Misunderstood Masterpieces: Heavy Metal

Posted by Will Helm on 07.03.2007

…or, Just Some Good, Old-Fashioned Nerd Pr0n

Animation isn't just for kids; in the next three movies, I'll study just what happens when cartoons take an adult turn. Though Pixar may add a few off-color or risqué references in their films . . . those are nothing like what I have in store. But first, how about some "nerd pr0n"?

As a nerd, there are a few nerd commandments that must be followed religiously. Firstly, nerds must have an affinity toward science fiction; this explains the erstwhile success of the massive amount of terrible Star Wars clones that have come out since 1977. In addition, from the success of the Lord of the Rings books and films – as well as Dungeons & Dragons and World of Warcraft, nerds must enamor themselves with the fantastical world of fantasy fiction. Finally, though l33tspeak isn't necessary, nerds must be accepting of pr0n . . . oh, excuse me: pr0n0graphy. I want to be formal, after all. From ASCII nudes to FTP fileservers to the entire Internet, nerds have always been on the cutting edge of pr0n0graphy. Perhaps things would be easier if there was a magazine and/or film catering to all three . . .

And, in fact, there is! In April 1977, the good folks at National Lampoon – the magazine, not the now-disgraced film license – brought to the U.S. an adaptation of the French sci-fi/fantasy magazine Métal Hurlant and they called it Heavy Metal. While the title evokes thoughts of Ronnie James Dio and AC/DC, the content was pure nerd heaven: science fiction, fantasy, and massive amounts of near-pr0n0graphic nudity. The magazine was a hit with the burgeoning late '70s nerd generation – the same fine folks who brought the world Dungeons & Dragons and Rush – and, shockingly, a film based on stories in the magazine found its way to theaters in 1981 . . . and it was produced by Ivan Reitman. Yes, the Ivan Reitman of National Lampoon's Animal House, Stripes, and Ghost Busters fame. Though there is a sort of irony of a largely comic producer/director bringing a glorified comic to the big screen, that's doesn't just a Misunderstood Masterpiece make; let's see if it lives up to the tradition and is fit to join these hallowed halls.

In space, some guy talks. I guess Alien was only kind of right though: while no one can hear screams in space, introductory monologues are A-OK. Meanwhile, a big, green ball flies into the title sequence, which signifies . . . something. I'm sure it'll make sense, eventually. In a moment which would make the Talking Heads proud, things quickly stop making sense as a space shuttle rockets through the screen and it drops off a bizarre payload: an old Corvette convertible piloted by an astronaut. Chevy really is built like a rock, I suppose. The Corvette – with the astronaut at the controls – lands on Earth – perfectly unharmed – and drives through the desert. I wonder if extra-atmospheric durability is an obscure options package or something.

The (very) long journey finally ends, seemingly at the Bates Motel . . . in the middle of the desert. The astronaut, still in his spacesuit, enters his house and reveals that he has a gift for his young – and poorly animated; seriously, sometimes she looks like an old man with a blonde wig – daughter. The gift turns out to be more than the astronaut bargained for as he opens his fancy, technological briefcase and unlocks a mysterious green ball which melts him. Adding to the bizarre scene, the mysterious green ball starts talking – and, apparently coming on to – the daughter and it confesses that it's actually an EVIL green ball! Dum-dum-DUM! I guess it's lonely, too, because it starts to tell the daughter a story . . .

And the scene shifts to a desolate planet where vacuum-wearing miners and giant bulldozers dig on the surface. Somehow, the miners – sponsored by Hoover – find the evil green ball in the dirt and one of them melts unceremoniously. Oh well. Hopefully he had a good pension plan. Meanwhile, in future New York City, some apathetic guy mumbles a monologue explaining just what's going on. It seems that he's Harry Canyon, jaded cabbie . . . with some nifty technical skills, which he shows off when he disintegrates a would-be mugger. Oops.

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art, some evil dude and his henchmen kill a professor. It's obvious that he's a professor because he's bald and wearing glasses and a lab coat. In addition, he has a HOT CHICK daughter who escapes the bad guys and jumps into Harry's cab. Of all the cabs in front of all the art museums in all the world . . . she had to jump into his cab. Anyway, before the HOT CHICK can explain what's going on at the museum, she passes out and Harry, being a remarkably altruistic guy, takes her to the police. Inside the police station, some hookers mock Harry and then Harry gets disgusted with the gendarme as he refuses to bribe the cops into taking the case. There's just nothing like futuristic corruption . . . mainly because it's pretty much the same as modern-day corruption.

As he has nothing else better to do, Harry takes the HOT CHICK home with him and he puts on some Journey once he gets there. Good plan, Harry: let Steve Perry work his magic. Oddly enough, though Harry just wants to go to bed, the HOT CHICK elects to join him – in the nude – and they unsurprisingly get it on. Nerd-pr0n moment #1: the animators make sure the carpets match the drapes. The next morning, Harry doesn't have a chance to bask in the afterglow because the HOT CHICK is gone and the police are there in her place. It seems they want the HOT CHICK, as does the bad guy from earlier in the vignette, who's waiting for Harry in his cab. At this rate, Raymond Chandler would be very proud.

Later in the day, Harry gets a message from the HOT CHICK, telling him to meet her at the Statue of Liberty. Along the way, he fends off a pair of henchmen with the machine guns mounted in his cab. Whoa . . . Twisted Metal flashback. At the Statue of Liberty, the HOT CHICK has the evil ball and she tells Harry that she's going to sell it to the bad guy for a near-fortune. To that end, Harry and the HOT CHICK – which sounds like the pr0n version of Harry and the Hendersons – head to the Brooklyn Bridge, where the HOT CHICK exchanges the evil ball and it, unsurprisingly, melts the bad guy. On the way back to Harry's pad with the HOT CHICK in the back seat, she double-crosses Harry . . . so he disintegrates her. Hopefully he didn't disintegrate the money, however. That would suck.

Back on somewhat modern day Earth, the evil ball – who must have been trapped alone in space a long time – tells the daughter another story . . . about a nerd from the ‘50s (voiced by John Candy; this film has a serious SCTV thing going) – perhaps the true hero of the picture – who finds the evil ball in a field. One night, while experimenting with lightning – probably after he got done messing with his HAM radio and counted his Grit subscriptions, the nerd is sucked into an alternate dimension by the evil ball. Along the way, the nerd is transformed into a giant, bald muscle-head with massive genitalia . . . or, at least, I'm taking his word for it. Once in the alternate dimension, the giant muscle guy – Den – interrupts the ritual sacrifice of a naked HOT CHICK by another naked HOT CHICK. Hmm . . . I'd say that's nerd-pr0n moment #2.

With no hesitation, Den rushes into the fray and he rescues the naked HOT CHICK from the slab and certain death and he spirits her to safety. Once there, he learns that she's actually from Gibraltar – I guess the evil ball brought her there too? – so he plans on "rocking" her world . . . until they're rudely interrupted by a horde of fake Wookies. Maybe ersatz Chewbacca wants some action too. It's all because he didn't get a medal at the end of A New Hope, I bet. The fake Wookies bring Den to see some fop in a very well-decorated cave; he just KNOWS how to accessorize! After Den fights off a possible castration, the fop enlists Den to overthrow the queen – the other naked HOT CHICK from earlier – and steal her evil ball so that the fop can become ruler of the realm. In order to convince Den to go along with the plan, the fop has the naked HOT CHICK under glass as collateral.

Den, accompanied by a few fake Wookies as back-up, raid the caverns underneath the queen's fortress. Once there, a few are eaten by a giant beast and then Den gets himself captured by the queen. Instead of having Den killed, the queen elects to get a little action and Den, as he's just a nerd in a giant, muscle-bound body, obliges. He's got skillz . . . and nerd-pr0n moment #3. In the interim, while Den is "satisfying" the queen, his associates steal her evil ball – which sounds really dirtier than it really is – making the queen freak out at Den. Damn . . . BITCHES BE CRAZY! Den, empowered by recent coitus, escapes to the desert . . . but the queen and HER Wookies give chase the whole way.

Back at the fop's place, he – with the evil ball in hand and the first naked HOT CHICK strapped to yet another slab – attempts to summon a demon or something like that. I guess Den's going to have to get himself a silver longsword +4 vs. Outsiders. Or was it "cold iron" vs. demons? Anyway, Den, with the naked HOT CHICK queen and her minions in tow, busts up the ritual again while the queen and the fop have a catfight over the evil ball on top of the altar. Den, harkening back to his early experiments in electricity – continuity, baby!, uses a conveniently placed chain as a lightning rod to disintegrate the queen and the fop while they scuffle. In the aftermath, the fake Wookies are left bewildered while Den flies off with the naked HOT CHICK, presumably to finish what they started earlier. Go nerd!

Eschewing the traditional stopover at the astronaut's place, the evil ball flies from the temple grounds to a space station where some goofy guy finds it on the floor. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the space station, some military guy named Captain Sternn (Eugene Levy) is on trial for a host of crimes, as listed by prosecutor Dean Vernon Wormer (John Vernon). Captain Sternn, much to his defense attorney's (Joe Flaherty) chagrin, pleads "not guilty" and the trial begins.

Prosecutor Wormer calls the first witness, which happens to be the goofy guy . . . who's also a character witness for Captain Sternn. While the goofy guy begins to testify, he's afflicted by an evil-ball induced spell of schizophrenia . . . and he also turns into a giant muscle-head. Hmm . . . I wonder if the amount of nerds turning into giant oafs can be classified as nerd pr0n. Maybe for female nerds . . . so I'll give it a nerd-pr0n moment #4. The enraged, gigantic goofy guy, for no reason in particular, starts tearing up the trial and, surprisingly, the space station while Captain Sternn runs for cover. After the trial is sufficiently interrupted, the goofy guy returns to normal and takes payment from Captain Sternn . . . who then double-crosses the goofy guy by shooting him out into space. Oops.

While the goofy guy disintegrates – that's really a common theme in this film for some reason; unfortunately, I don't know the Freudian implications of disintegration, the evil ball somehow warps to World War II. On an ill-fated B-17, a bunch of guys are shot to death by rival planes. After the bomber drops its payload and heads back home, the co-pilot surveys the carnage inside the fuselage, leaving the pilot to control the plane alone. Once the co-pilot reaches the very deceased tail gunner, he spies the evil ball chasing the plane! Somehow, the evil ball knocks out the co-pilot and, using that as a moment to strike, it transforms the dead airmen into . . . ZOMBIES! Hmm . . . perhaps that's another nerd commandment that I forgot: ZOMBIES. After the co-pilot comes to, he elects to visit the ball gunner . . . who eats him. Oops. I guess curiosity killed the co-pilot in this case. The zombies then get together to attempt to break into the cabin – since they probably smell yummy pilot brains. The pilot, wisely, bails out, but he has the misfortune of landing on an island full of wrecked planes . . . and more ZOMBIES! Mission accomplished!

The evil ball's work done in the ‘40s, it fast forwards to the Pentagon of (somewhat) modern day where fake Dr. No works his way through a horde of antsy reporters. It seems that, according the reporters, there are mutants in Arizona . . . or something like that. Inside the Pentagon, senators and generals argue about the state of the union and the mutations going on therein. Why do I get the feeling next on their agenda is Project: Wideawake? Anyway, Dr. No shows up and he calms the gathered throng's fears about alien mutations . . . while a smiley-face UFO shows up above the building. I think that's called "dramatic irony."

Back inside, a busty stenographer – wearing the evil ball as a broach – makes Dr. No go crazy with lust until the aliens inside the smiley-face UFO vacuum them up together. Inside the spacecraft, Dr. No falls apart and the stenographer complains about her tattered clothes and rough treatment. While a diminutive robot (Candy, again) tries to console her, two stoner aliens (Levy and Harold Ramis) hang out in the periphery. The robot, being a stand-in for yet more nerd fantasy, wants to get some, so he escorts the busty stenographer to his quarters. Meanwhile, the stoner aliens put down lines of Plutonian cocaine, which they snort heartily. After the Plutonian cocaine works its way into their system, they sit in the front of the smiley-face UFO and watch a Windows Media Player visualization . . . or a screen saver.

In the robot's quarters, the robot and the busty – and now naked – stenographer chat after a bit of getting it on. Yup . . . that's definitely nerd-pr0n moment #5. He's a player robot and proud of it but, it seems, he wants to settle down. He proposes marriage to the busty stenographer but she is recalcitrant until she tells him that it has to be a Jewish wedding, making the robot freak out. Oh, the hilarity. Meanwhile, the stoner aliens land clumsily in a giant space station . . . and the scene shifts to the evil ball and the daughter once more. Wait a second! Where's the resolution of the last vignette? That's it? How pointless! Then again, what else can one expect from nerd pr0n?

The evil ball reveals that it has one more story for the daughter – and then it's going to kill her . . . even though it would've been far more efficient to do that first – and, finally, the final setting is a stereotypical post-Apocalyptic world. The evil ball, now giant-sized, lodges itself in a volcano in the middle of a desert; mystified futuristic-type humanoids stare at it until it erupts and mutates them in a deluge of green goo. Sometime after, the now-mutated hordes attack a city; in the inner sanctum of the metropolis, the town elders argue about defense. It seems that, according to the main elder, there's a protection deal in place so the town elders use their apparent psychic powers to contact their outside defense contractor . . . until the mutants bust into the room.

Elsewhere, a robed figure flies on some bird-thing over some canyons to a hideout. Once there, the robed figure reveals itself to be a HOT CHICK . . . a grey-haired, naked HOT CHICK. And, yes, the carpets once again match the drapes. Nerd-pr0n moment #6, folks . . . and I bet it's not done. The naked HOT CHICK goes for a swim and hangs out in the nude until she slowly starts dressing like Aeon Flux for no particular reason. After donning her minimal clothing, the HOT CHICK grabs her sword from out of a pond, gets struck by lightning, and flies her bird-thing to the city's defense.

Once there, the HOT CHICK discovers the city is in ruins and the elders are dead! While part of the deal was defense, in the event of catastrophe, it also covers REVENGE as well. The HOT CHICK flies to another town and, once there, she finds some mutants carousing in a tavern. Wow; it must've been a really unoriginal DM who wrote this module. The HOT CHICK goes in for a drink – and probably to scope out the situation and meet with her dwarf healer and elf ranger . . . oh, and the stereotypical magic-user who always has a knack for dying at the wrong moments – and, almost instantaneously – as she is a HOT CHICK, the devious mutants hassle her. The HOT CHICK, being a HOT CHICK warrior, responds calmly by decapitating them and then she gets the barkeep to tell her where she can find the rest.

The HOT CHICK, hot on the mutants' trail, flies her bird-think through the canyons to the evil volcano until she's rudely captured by the mutants. Oh well. Movie's over. Or not, as there's still time for nerd-pr0n moment #7 when the mutant leader has the HOT CHICK strapped naked to a table . . . and he whips her. I guess the movie figured it should save the most extreme nerd-pr0n for last. The mutant leader, after presumably whipping one out, dumps the HOT CHICK into a cavern and he sentences her bird-thing to death. Before the bird-thing is unmercifully shot by the mutants, it escapes from its bounds and rescues the HOT CHICK from the cavern. Their freedom is short-lived, however, as the bird-thing is shot in midair and crashes to the desert floor below.

The mutant leader, sensing victory, confronts the HOT CHICK and they have an obligatory duel. After the mutant leader slashes the HOT CHICK a few times with his blade-hand – ooh, how futuristic!, he grabs her sword and throws it away and prepares for the deathblow. Before he can land it, the bird-thing comes to and attacks him allowing the HOT CHICK the opportunity to punch the mutant leader's face in. In the aftermath, the HOT CHICK flies her bird-thing triumphantly into the green volcano, thwarting the giant evil ball. Meanwhile, in the "real world," the daughter escapes the evil ball's clutches as the evil ball is too busy blowing up her house to care. As a denouement, a bird-thing shows up to pick up the daughter and she becomes the next HOT CHICK warrior.

After watching the 26-year-old Heavy Metal, it becomes apparent as to why Japanese and, to a lesser extent, Korean animation has replaced American animation in the intervening years: the animation in Heavy Metal is awful. Lacking the polish of its Japanese rivals, the drawing style in Heavy Metal seems, at times, either poorly rendered or, worse, over-rendered. Forms lack any sort of consistency – except for the exquisitely rendered erogenous zones . . . which isn't much of a surprise. In addition, the content of the vignettes varies wildly. While Harry Canyon, Den, and the final HOT CHICK stories are typical sword-and-sorcery/sci-fi fare, the remaining stories – save the B-17 ZOMBIES – don't particularly fit into the tone of the film. Captain Sternn is mainly a wacky comic slapstick while the stoner alien/sex robot tale is just a sex romp. I'm appreciative of comic relief, of course, but when the evil ball/narrator is there to instill some sense of profundity from the tales, I expect something profound and not meandering comedies. Of course, all things considered, the sum of Heavy Metal's parts adds up to one Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I discover what happens when real life and cartoon life collide . . . and Roger Rabbit is nowhere to be found. See you then!