Misunderstood Masterpieces: Car 54, Where Are You?

Posted by Will Helm on 07.24.2007

…or, Wherever You Are, Please Stay There

Since it's been quite a while since I've done it, I believe it's time for one of my patented – well, patent pending – "TV-to-film" trilogies . . . or perhaps I should now call them "thrill-ogies." Or not.

First up is a true work of art based on the legendary early ‘60s cop sitcom Car 54, Where Are You?, cleverly titled Car 54, Where Are You?. Released in 1994 – but filmed in 1990, which becomes painfully apparent during the course of the film, Car 54, Where Are You? sought to update the hilarity of the original series for the modern age. I'm sure that, with the success of a somewhat obscure sitcom behind it, the sequel possibilities for the film were endless: Car 54, Where Are You Going?, Car 54, Where Have You Been? (a prequel, of course), et cetera. Of course, success was not in the cards for this film; instead, it resides at #10 on IMDB.com's infamous Bottom 100 . . . and that's usually a clear indication that I have a Misunderstood Masterpiece on my hands. Is that for certain? Let's find out!

Nestled comfortably in his squad car, dutiful cop Gunther Toody (former New York Doll David Johansen/"Buster Poindexter") dreams of an idyllic life as a beat cop in a quiet neighborhood, where cats meow at cartoon birds for no apparent reason. Even more disconcerting, Gunther breaks into song and then the neighbors and the bird start rapping. Perhaps the impromptu hip-hop startles Gunther as he awakens to find himself sitting in the midst of a riot. After Chief Nipsy Russell yells at Gunther over the radio and Gunther explains the situation to his commanding officer, Gunther rescues fellow cop Grandpa Al Lewis from the violent throng. Gunther and Grandpa Al Lewis then drive through the ‘hood – accompanied by rap even more terrible than in the beginning – and, along the way to wherever they're going, they eat pizza and run over boxes of Snapple. Take that, kiwi-strawberry!

At the station, Gunther brags to his colleagues about stopping the riot with only a rubber band, a paper clip, and some chewing gum . . . and MacGyver. Or something like that. Chief Nipsy breaks up the fun, however, because he reveals that the precinct is making some changes, starting with the introduction of a new member of the force: Francis Muldoon (John C. McGinley). Ah, there's nothing like a stereotypical Irish cop. Muldoon reveals himself to be some sort of straight-laced A/V geek . . . which makes him a perfect partner and foil for the lackadaisical Gunther Toody. Dum-dum-DUM!

To prove that juxtaposition, Gunther and Muldoon go on patrol together and Gunther tries to make some small talk, perhaps just to loosen up the tightly wound Muldoon. Oh yeah . . . there's a shooting spree in his future. Instead of chatting with his new partner, however, Muldoon gets out of the car and shoots at a guy who stole a sandwich. I guess he believes in "an eye for an eye, a life for a sandwich." Or he's read Les Misérables one too many times. Meanwhile, back at the station, two guys in suits question Chief Nipsy about the security measures in place at the station, specifically bugs. Well, I'm sure there are roaches . . . it is New York, after all. Actually the two guys in suits – which sounds like the name of a New Wave band – are there because, preposterously, they have a witness that needs protection . . . and only Chief Nipsy's precinct can provide it. Chief Nipsy, perhaps knowing that this is indeed a preposterous idea, spits on the two guys in suits, and then . . .

The witness' pursuer is revealed, and it's DANIEL BALDWIN! Wow . . . now I guess it's obvious why he started on the cocaine; a movie like this will do that. Daniel Baldwin, as a strange cross between John Gotti and Howard Hughes, threatens his hapless lackeys and then he starts yammering about recycling for no particular reason. I think the crux of his analogy is that he wants REVENGE! In addition, I want some REVENGE too because I have to sit through another film featuring Rosie O'Donnell, who portrays Gunther's harpy of a wife. Back at home, Gunther – and I – is forced to listen to his wife bitch and moan, probably because her closet isn't big enough for her. Well, this was 1990, after all. Actually, she's really worried about "cop groupies," so Gunther tries to romance Rosie to make it all better. Yeah, that's going to work. Evidently, Gunther is aware of my misgivings, so he just resigns himself to sitting back and watching TV.

Back at the station, Chief Nipsy puts the plot device – I mean "witness" – in protective custody – really just the lockup . . . and it's a very young Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven)! Ari, rather than entreating Chief Nipsy to "hug it out, bitch," orders an espresso and a salad – disturbingly, a tossed salad, which is pretty easy to get in prison . . . or so I've heard. While Ari stands around and pontificates, Muldoon injects him with a tracking device; perhaps it should've been a tranquilizer though, as Ari spends most of the film in what can best be called a "very exaggerated, delirious sugar rush." I think this is usually what happens when an actor loathes a role; it's just a hunch . . . though I can't say I blame Jeremy Piven here.

That evening, Grandpa Al Lewis has a retirement party in the basement of the station and, as drunken cops are always sources of hilarity, gun play and Twister break out. Through a convoluted series of events, absent-mindedly masterminded by Gunther, Grandpa Al Lewis gets himself electrocuted and then he finds himself in the hospital watching The Munsters in one of those bizarre, post-modern film moments. After Grandpa Al Lewis brags to the nurse about the level of his care – and the auspicious beginnings of his retirement, Gunther and Muldoon come for a visit. Grandpa Al Lewis isn't exactly happy to see them, so, perhaps unconsciously – and, once more, through a convoluted series of events, Gunther "accidentally" tears out Grandpa Al Lewis' catheter.

I think my legs are going to be permanently crossed for the remainder of the column.

Back at the station, the police go high tech – and turn into Big Brother – and Muldoon is behind it all. Even though all these technological advances take place, some of Daniel Baldwin's lackeys show up – disguised as Nathan's hot dog deliverymen – with a little "gift" for Ari. While Chief Nipsy talks to a computer like something from 2001 . . . and then he discovers that all of his men are at a donut shop, the Nathan's hitmen visit Ari with presents of wine and dinner; hilarity ensues when one of Ari's cellmates steals his dinner and then dies of poisoning. Oops.

On the streets of New York, Gunther eats a kabob and gets hit on by skanky hookers . . . as opposed to all those classy hookers working the streets. While Gunther enjoys life in the big city, Muldoon is a bit cynical because he sees everything in black and white, which becomes evident when he rats on Gunther to Chief Nipsy. Oh, though there's no pun intended in the whole "black and white" comment. Since Muldoon is white and Chief Nipsy is . . . um, yeah. Elsewhere, the lackeys report back to Daniel Baldwin, who's not pleased that their little murder attempt went awry.

That night, Gunther invites Muldoon over for dinner but, beforehand, Gunther wants some Rosie lovin'. *SHUDDER* Muldoon, thankfully, interrupts their romance . . . and he even brought his mom. If this turns into an orgy, I'm shutting the movie off and throwing it as far as I can. I wonder how well DVDs can fly. Luckily, instead of a rampant frolic breaking out, Gunther brings the good tidings down a notch by mocking Muldoon and his mother. Then, over dinner, Gunther and Rosie tell jokes about corpses and Grandpa Al Lewis. After Muldoon and his mother take their leave, Gunther explains to Rosie that he now has a raison d'être: he has to get Muldoon some nookie. How charitable of him!

The next day, Daniel Baldwin's lackeys – this time disguised as plumbers – arrive at the station. In lieu of actual police work, Gunther instead offers a double date with Muldoon, but Muldoon reveals – unsurprisingly – that he's intimidated by women. Doesn't he know that's why God invented strip clubs? At the station, some guy – who looks suspiciously like Luther Campbell from 2 Live Crew – raps for Ari Gold in the lockup for no reason in particular. Is it just me or does 90% of the action in this film so far occurs at random? Anyway, the random, unwarranted rap performance endears the rappers to Ari, so probably some prison sex is going to break out next. Thankfully, before that can happen, Ari's toilet – helpfully modified by the "plumbers" – explodes, rescuing me and any other viewers from this scene. You are in my debt, American Standard.

With two attempts on Ari's life right under his nose, Chief Nipsy elects to put Ari in the custody of Gunther and Muldoon . . . because they're REALLY trustworthy. Or Chief Nipsy is actually in cahoots with Daniel Baldwin and it's all a plan to get Ari killed with little to no fuss. My vote's for the latter. That evening, Chief Nipsy escorts a very willing Ari to Gunther's trunk – OK, maybe Ari has a death wish too – and then Gunther and Muldoon drive to a bar . . . with Ari still in the trunk. Inside the bar, Gunther introduces Muldoon to Penn and Teller, who are there for no particular reason, and then Penn and Teller shoot each other offscreen. Thanks for showing up, guys! After the little interlude with the murderous magicians, Gunther then introduces Muldoon to his date for the evening: Fran Drescher. Apparently, Fran isn't just an actress always on call no matter what the role, she's also a "cop groupie" who willingly hits on Muldoon and molests his badge. Lovely.

After Rosie shows up and nearly spoils the party, the two couples go to the Village and they take in a Ramones show for no particular reason. OK, I'm convinced that David Johansen called in a bunch of favors to get a lot of these cameo appearances; I'm also convinced that a lot of these favors are the last time these people did anything for David Johansen. Anyway, Muldoon and Fran slow dance together – to the Ramones – while Ari writes love letters to the rappers he was incarcerated with. Something tells me that he really feels bad that he didn't have a chance to get some prison sex. At another club on top of a building in New York, Gunther leads a musical number – just so that no one forgets that he's a glam rocker . . . even though he's singing mambo – and serenades Rosie O'Donnell. Meanwhile, Fran and Muldoon get a little over-excited, so they leave and get a carriage ride together with Tone Lōc driving. Wow . . . I remember back when he was relevant . . . in 1990. Too bad this was released four years later. Anyway, as Tone Lōc yammers about shooting women in the rear with darts and other wild things, Fran gets freaky with Muldoon in the back seat. Elsewhere, Gunther and Rosie get it on. Now excuse me while I clean the vomit from my keyboard.

Thanks for being patient. This may be a while.

OK. Whew. Anyway, while Daniel Baldwin scolds his lackeys yet again, some hookers steal Gunther's car – with Ari still in the trunk – just to get the plot going again. Gunther, observant cop that he is, doesn't realize it until the next morning and, unsurprisingly, he freaks out. At the station, Muldoon reveals, against Gunther's protestations, that he's madly in love with Fran Drescher. Alarmingly, his colleagues mock him because they've all had her first. So is that something like "sloppy 32nds"? After Gunther pulls Muldoon from the briefing room, he requests a little bit of help rectifying the Ari Gold situation as Gunther is going undercover as a hitman. While Gunther goes on duty, Fran visits Muldoon because she's actually in love with him too . . . and she proves it when they hide from Chief Nipsy together and no nookie breaks out. How sweet!

Elsewhere, Gunther goes to see Daniel Baldwin and, to that end, he follows a HOT CHICK through the bowels of Manhattan and, strangely, she keeps changing clothes along the way. The HOT CHICK finally drops Gunther off at the subway station and he takes the subway directly to Daniel Baldwin's secret hideout/finely appointed office. Once there, as a token of his admiration, Daniel Baldwin gives Gunther a bear hug. Lookout! He's on a coke binge again! On Coney Island, the hookers find Ari in their trunk and their madam, after sending Ari away with the hookers, calls Daniel Baldwin. Meanwhile, Muldoon is on the case and he's tracking Ari to Coney Island, since he does have a tracking device that everyone forgot about until now. Daniel Baldwin, now aware of Ari's location, tells Gunther to go kill him but things take a turn for the bizarre when Rosie O'Donnell shows up and nearly blows Gunther's cover. Gunther, posing as a respected hitman, orders Daniel Baldwin's lackeys to throw Rosie in a dumpster; unfortunately, I don't have any verification that this scene was directed by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Or Donald Trump.

With Gunther en route to Ari's location, the television blows Gunther's cover in another preposterous turn of events. Meanwhile, in a hotel room at Coney Island, Ari watches a monster-truck rally with the hookers. Ari doesn't have much time for fun, however, as Muldoon busts into the room – dressed as a stereotypical Russian . . . and then Gunther busts into the room and hits Muldoon with a violin. Umm . . . yeah. Something tells me the writers really didn't know how to wrap this one up. It's just another hunch. Anyway, Daniel Baldwin shows up and the mobsters mug for the TV cameras instead of killing Gunther, Muldoon, and Ari.

Eventually, a wacky chase ensues and a gunfight breaks out on a rollercoaster. Somehow, through a convoluted series of events, a little black kid ends up with a revolver. Gee, thanks for perpetuating stereotypes, movie! Somehow, the Tunnel of Love rescues Muldoon, Gunther, and Ari, as well as trapping Daniel Baldwin in a sort of nightmare – or withdrawal. With the case solved . . . or whatever, Muldoon and Fran are in love, Grandpa Al Lewis and Muldoon's mom make out, and Rosie shows up to threaten Gunther's life. Umm . . . why isn't she under arrest for that? Oh, and during the credits the lovable inner-city scamp from earlier threatens Daniel Baldwin's lackeys with his revolver . . . and other hilarity occurs as well.

My brain hurts. That's honestly the best I can say about this situation . . . other than Car 54, Where Are You? deserves its position on the IMDB.com Bottom 100. Where to begin? Even though nothing in the film makes any sense – or is even remotely funny – and most of the stars – whether they were famous in 1990 or not – seem to be phoning it in, the most glaring offense present in Car 54, Where Are You? is that it messes with the space-time continuum. No, seriously. How? Well, somehow, Gunther Toody and Francis Muldoon are portrayed as of average age, while Nipsy Russell and Grandpa Al Lewis reprise their characters – Officer Anderson and Officer Leo Schnauser, respectively – from the original series, which infers the passage of time. As this isn't a semi-logical situation like Dan Aykroyd's Joe Friday in Dragnet, the only other solution, presumably, is that Gunther Toody and Francis Muldoon got caught in a wormhole or something and ended up in the modern day – well, 1990 – as the same age . . . just different actors. Of course, this doesn't explain why Muldoon is new to the force . . . but maybe that's why Car 54, Where Are You? will remain a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I sit right back for a tale about a ship of fools . . . and Tim Curry! See you then!