Misunderstood Masterpieces: Flash Gordon
Posted by Will Helm on 08.14.2007
or, Hes the Savior of the Universe and FINALLY in This Column!
Alex Raymond may not be a name well known to most, but he is the creator of one of the most significant characters in science fiction: intergalactic hero Flash Gordon. First appearing as a Sunday comic in 1934, Flash Gordon would become a phenomenon, moving on to a daily strip which stretched largely uninterrupted until the early 90s. In addition, Flash was such an icon of the 30s that a series of three movie serials were produced with the character, Flash Gordon, Flash Gordon's Trip to Mars, and Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe. Perhaps most significantly, the style of the original Flash Gordon comics and serials would partially inspire George Lucas to create the true masterpiece that is Star Wars.
Of course, there is a rumor related to Star Wars and Flash Gordon. Supposedly, Lucas originally wanted to make Flash Gordon into a film and, upon finding out that the rights had already been purchased by Dino De Laurentiis, elected to make Star Wars instead. Since the rights were purchased, that would mean that a film was made . . . and, twenty-seven years after the fact, it is legendary. However, that status wasn't necessarily so upon the film's 1980 release. In the U.S., Flash Gordon was a critical and box office flop though it was a hit in the U.K. and elsewhere and had to make a name for itself through heavy airplay on cable and through home video. In the intervening years, Flash Gordon, with its colorful visuals, campy plot and performances, and rocking soundtrack by Queen, became a cult classic, though the lack of a DVD release in the U.S. greatly hindered that status or added to it, depending on point-of-view. But, now, Flash Gordon is finally on DVD and it can finally be raised to the status of greatness known as a Misunderstood Masterpiece!
In space, which I've heard is the final frontier, some guy who sounds remarkably like Max von Sydow babbles about Earth while training his crosshairs on a very fake version of the planet. Perhaps unhappy with the scale model his underlings made, he causes earthquakes on the surface of the planet and cackles ominously. As the opening credits roll, this mysterious character moves on to other catastrophes, showing a great range of talents in the process. Though he does cackle all the while, so a range of emotions isn't included.
At a random airport, presumably on Earth, some blonde guy (Sam J. Jones) sits in his station wagon and watches as an impromptu hailstorm breaks out. Meanwhile, next to the wagon, a HOT CHICK (Melody Anderson) gets out of a van and into a plane. Though I bet the guy wished she got out of his dreams and into his car; Billy Ocean would be proud. The guy, perhaps wishing to make his dreams come true, gets into the plane with her and they take off into the (very) wild blue yonder. Along the way to its destination, the plane is plagued by turbulence and more cackling. The guy, rather than freak out like his companion, calmly chats with the pilots and signs autographs because he's actually football star "Flash" Gordon. As he is a football star, Flash introduces himself to the HOT CHICK and, quite disturbingly, he reveals that he's been stalking her since seeing her at his hotel the night before. Before the HOT CHICK can freak out or throw herself upon the overwhelmingly masculine Flash, she and the football star are distracted by everything around them turning red.
Meanwhile, at a nondescript weather station somewhere in America, a portly scientist's bed is set on fire. The bumbling scientist, rudely awakened by balls of fire falling from the sky, prods his boss Dr. Hans Zarkov (Topol) into investigating the phenomenon. Zarkov needn't do any research, however, as the strange goings on only confirm what he has suspected for years: there's an attack going on and someone is blowing apart the moon and hurtling the fragments toward Earth. Zarkov, as he's been prepared for this event for ages, readies a counterattack and he plans to lead the charge himself!
Meanwhile, in the air, an apparition of Max von Sydow dressed like a drag queen swoops in and kidnaps the pilots on Flash's plane. Conveniently, Flash has had some flight training, so he takes control and his HOT CHICK companion becomes an ersatz copilot. Down on the ground, Zarkov yells at his cowardly assistant but he's interrupted by Flash and the HOT CHICK crash landing in the middle of the lab! Flash and the HOT CHICK both of whom are PERFECTLY UNHARMED exit the remnants of the plane and ask Dr. Zarkov if they can use his phone. What do they think this is? The Frankenstein place?
Dr. Zarkov, sensing an opportunity, cons Flash and the HOT CHICK into getting on his homemade rocket . . . while the HOT CHICK reveals Dr. Zarkov's identity to Flash for helpful exposition purposes. Flash, not quite enthusiastic about being kidnapped by a scientific pariah, fights Zarkov, but, in the midst of their scuffle, the ship blasts off anyway. Well, that didn't help, did it, Flash? Along the way to deep space, the occupants of the rocket fall asleep and Flash and the HOT CHICK cuddle. Oh yeah . . . they're going to get it on. While Flash and the HOT CHICK spoon as best they can on a cramped spacecraft, the ship flies into a psychedelic swirly thing, arousing the concerns of some guy with really funny glasses.
After an eternity of flying through the great psychedelic beyond, the ship finally lands on a mysterious rocky planet somewhere in the universe. While guys in very clunky armor assemble outside the ship, the passengers awaken from their slumber and exit tentatively. Flash, as he is a celebrity, attempts to make peace with the residents of the planet with his unbridled charisma, but, instead of a hero's welcome, he's merely attacked by a pair of robot hands shot by one of the guys in clunky armor. It's amazing long-range molestation technology hasn't caught on since then. With Flash safely subdued, the clunky-armor guys escort the three prisoners to a finely appointed palace in the middle of the planet and, along the way, Zarkov is quite impressed with the trappings. Somehow, he also uses a sort of extrasensory perception to discern that the culture is ripe for revolution. Ah, I guess this is the day Karl Marx came to Mongo.
At the palace, Flash, Zarkov, and the HOT CHICK follow a flying ball through the halls and, after it disintegrates a guy in a cheap lizard costume, it takes them to the throne room where the ball tells them to get ready to meet Ming. I wonder if this Ming is a dynastic ruler? Anyway, apparently this Ming is having a party or an unconventional convention as he's invited a bunch of rowdy friends over tonight. As well, some other HOT CHICK (Ornella Muti) watches Flash from the wings. I bet she's ready for some football (player) . . . but is everyone else? More on that later.
After everyone takes their places, Ming makes his grand entrance . . . and it's just Max von Sydow dressed as a drag queen with a Fu Manchu. Ming takes his seat and some massive guy with hawk wings named Prince Vultan (Brian Blessed) offers him a big chunk of crystal in tribute. Unfortunately, it seems Vultan didn't acquire the prize quite legally as Timothy Dalton and his Merry Men as they all look like rejects from a performance of Robin Hood arrive and protest the gift. Vultan and Prince Baron Dalton argue for a bit and then, after they settle down, Ming tells some other guy to kill himself out of loyalty. Instead, the guy tries to kill Ming . . . but his plan doesn't work out too well as Ming introduces him to the wonderful world of "assisted suicide" . . . at least of the involuntary variety.
By the way, what kind of title is "Prince Baron"? Is he a prince or a baron? Oh, wait . . . it's "Prince Barin." Nevermind, then . . . but I'm still going to call him "Dalton" only because it reminds me of Road House.
Flash, appalled by Ming's amorality, calls his captor a "psycho" and, unfortunately for him, the flying ball rats him out. While the other HOT CHICK and her Oompa-Loompa hit on Flash, Ming requests that his Earthly guests step forward. Zarkov, a curious sort, questions Ming, but Ming isn't happy about the impromptu interrogation. To take his mind off Zarkov's annoyance, Ming hypnotizes the HOT CHICK who reveals her name to be "Dale Arden" and makes her dance lasciviously, just because he can and because she's a HOT CHICK. Flash, perhaps to assert his position as the alpha male in this situation, gets jealous and takes out his aggressions on some random guys. Somehow, a football game breaks out see! I knew they should've been ready for some football! and, while Ming's "loyal" subjects goof around and root for Flash, Ming's main henchman Klytus (Peter Wyngarde) coaches Ming's lackeys. On the sidelines, Dale leads cheers for Flash, but the contest comes to an abrupt halt when Zarkov accidentally knocks out Flash with an errant pass. The other HOT CHICK, who also happens to be Ming's daughter, wants Flash as a sex slave but, instead, he sentences Flash to death. Oh well; I hope Ming's daughter likes necrophilia . . . or not, as, after the sentencing, she makes out with Dalton behind the scenes.
Sometime later, Flash is in chains and Ming's lackey Klytus mocks his human nature. In order to torture Flash further in the guise of a last request Klytus brings in Dale dressed as a concubine, just to show off something that now Flash can't have. Dale, saddened by Flash's appearance, feels him up a bit and they joke around. Ah, there's nothing like gallows humor. Dale freaks out because she then realizes that Flash is going to die so, appropriately, the next scene is Flash solemnly heading to the gas chamber. While Ming's HOT CHICK daughter stares at Dale crying and is mystified by the sight, Flash dies anticlimactically. Oh well, movie's over.
Or not as, later, Ming's HOT CHICK daughter and some doctor resurrect Flash in the bowels of the palace. Hallelujah for Messianic metaphors! After the doctor takes his leave, the HOT CHICK daughter hits on Flash some more probably because he might be feeling a little "stiff" and then she tells him to get changed because she's taking him to one of the planet's moons to hide out. Meanwhile, in another room, Ming is busy brainwashing Zarkov and fulfilling his destiny as a proper villain by gloating. After Ming exits, his lackeys watch Zarkov's bizarre memories which go back in time, yet forward. How odd. Oh, and apparently a bunch of people drowned his wife at a party. Good times; good times.
Along the way to the moon, the HOT CHICK daughter gives Flash some very suggestive flying lessons, mainly because she wants a little nookie in return for rescuing him. I'd say that's a fair trade. Meanwhile, at the palace, Ming's concubines get Dale drunk so that she'll be a little more comfortable with the idea of being humped by a drag queen. Sometime later, and after a brief scuffle with the HOT CHICK daughter, Flash telepathically contacts a very drunk Dale and, after a brief chat, he tells her to distract Ming using her feminine wiles. After the conversation, Dale mustn't be too keen on Flash's plan as she instead gets a servant drunk for reasons unrevealed . . . yet. Although fans of Shakespeare should know where this is going already.
Flash and the HOT CHICK daughter fly to a rocky salad bowl in the middle of Mongo space; meanwhile, Ming visits Dale looking for some nookie . . . and he finds the drunken servant instead! Dum-dum-DUM! Dale, somewhat incognito as a servant now or as incognito as a HOT CHICK earthling can be, beats up a guard and she shoots a couple more. The small tumult in the palace piques Klytus' attention, so he sends "Agent" Zarkov to round up Dale and subdue her. Zarkov does find Dale and she, not knowing that Zarkov has been brainwashed, tells him everything. Ah, not only is she a HOT CHICK, she's also well versed in the art of exposition. It's good to be multitalented. Klytus is alarmed to find out that Flash is actually still alive and Ming, due to the news and probably also because he couldn't tap Dale earlier, isn't happy.
On the salad-bowl moon, Flash and the HOT CHICK daughter watch from the periphery as some kid is being initiated into the Merry Men. To that end, Little John or a reasonable facsimile thereof awakens a scorpion brain inside a stump and the kid sticks his hand in. Unfortunately for him, the scorpion brain stings him and Dalton, being a badass, puts the kid out of his misery. With the ritual over abruptly, the HOT CHICK daughter shows up with Flash in tow and Dalton is not happy about this development. Though he doth protest, the HOT CHICK daughter manipulates him emotionally, perverts into agreeing with her scheme.
Back on Mongo, Zarkov who's amazingly and preposterously not brainwashed escapes with Dale . . . and then they're captured by some hawkmen. Oops. Meanwhile, on the salad-bowl moon, Dalton has Flash imprisoned and he lowers him into the swamp for safekeeping. In Ming's palace, Klytus has the HOT CHICK daughter whipped for her suspected insolence and she kind of enjoys it and Ming watches from the wings, amused. OK; that's a little weird. Back on the salad-bowl moon, Dalton complains about the situation to Riff-Raff (Richard O'Brien) and he reveals that he wants to kill Flash without angering the HOT CHICK daughter. Riff-Raff, in order to help Dalton out, aids Flash in a rather staged "escape" of his watery prison.
On another moon, the hawkmen bring Dale and Zarkov to Vultan and Zarkov, being a man of science and logic, tries to reason with the king of the hawkmen. It doesn't work very well, though. On the salad-bowl moon, Riff-Raff double-crosses Flash by taking him to the sacred stump. Hence, when Flash is confronted by the Merry Men, Dalton tells Flash to stick his hand in the stump as it's the only way he can right his indiscretion. Flash agrees and Dalton, being badass, does it along with him. With a palpable air of suspense in the . . . air, Flash fakes getting stung and uses the ruse to subdue Dalton and make his escape. Dalton, meanwhile, wants REVENGE for the humiliation. Those cagey humans!
On the surface of the moon, Flash falls into a pit of quicksand and, unfortunately, Yoda isn't on hand to help pull him out of it. Instead, Flash relies on a conveniently placed vine with which he pulls himself out of his predicament. Flash takes a few moments to catch his breath on the ground, but he shouldn't rest on his laurels whether literally or figuratively so quickly as he's then attacked by a spider-shaped balloon below him! Before the spider-balloon can ingest Flash and end the movie prematurely once again, Dalton shows up to rescue Flash, only to confront him once the scene settles down. Before Dalton can land the deathblow, however, he's thwarted by a team of hawkmen who just happened to get there in the nick of time. I guess Flash isn't really a hero as much as he just takes advantage of convenient circumstances.
The hawkmen, triumphantly, bring Dalton and Flash to Vultan's palace and, once there, Flash and Dale reunite and get engaged. Well, that was quick. Instead of Vultan throwing a celebratory feast, he instead forces Flash and Dalton to fight each other on a floating, tilting, spike-covered platform. While Vultan messes with the controls just to annoy the combatants, Flash and Dalton whip each other for a near eternity. Finally, Dalton nearly falls off the edge of the platform and to his doom, but Flash, being a nice guy and all, saves him and they become allies, much to Vultan's chagrin.
Before Vultan can either join the rebellion or kill his two opponents, Klytus shows up unannounced and immediately sentences Zarkov to death. In addition, he arrests Flash, Dale, and Dalton, but, before he can round them all up and take them back to Mongo, Dalton and Flash conspire to impale Klytus on the platform and make his eyes bug out comically. I really have to wonder what the stylistic choice behind that was; I can understand melting or dissipating . . . but eyes bugging out? Seriously; that's just weird.
With Klytus now dead, Ming shows up in his wake and takes the time to round up Dalton, Zarkov, and Dale, leaving himself and Flash behind to have a little chat. Ming, impressed with Flash's performance so far, offers Flash a kingdom on Earth in return for Flash's fealty. OK, as if the resurrection earlier in the film were bad enough, did this movie really call for a Biblically inspired temptation scene? Flash, probably unwisely but yet honorably, refuses, so Ming leaves him behind to die as the palace is bombarded. Flash, yet again, conveniently escapes and he phones Vultan who's hiding out on the salad-bowl moon and Vultan, inspired by Flash's resilience, joins the fledgling rebellion.
In the palace, Dale's servants prepare her for marriage and then the HOT CHICK daughter shows up and she and Dale have a CATFIGHT! Just like girls would, they quickly reconcile after the scuffle though they'll probably still speak ill of each other behind the other's back and the HOT CHICK daughter gives Dale some poison to use on Ming that night. Dale, for some reason, refuses the offer and, in the process, she mocks the HOT CHICK daughter's treacherous nature. Oh yeah . . . BITCHES BE CRAZY.
Meanwhile, Flash, for no reason in particular, flies toward Ming's palace and then he retreats just as quickly, in the process getting a ship to follow him into the atmosphere. As the ship unwisely trails Flash, a horde of hawkmen with Vultan in the lead await their arrival. After a few moments of trying to flush Flash out of a cloud, the ship goes in after him and is promptly attacked by the hawkmen. With a battle raging on and around the ship, Flash and Vultan swoop in and Vultan ironically quotes Queen lyrics on the way down . . . even though "Who Wants to Live Forever" would be released six years later! A coincidence? I think not. Anyway, the combined force of Flash, Vultan, and the hawkmen is enough to hijack the ship and pilot it back to Mongo.
In the palace, Dalton and Zarkov wait patiently to be executed, but, instead, they're rescued by the turncoat HOT CHICK daughter. Outside, Flash pilots the ship directly toward Ming's palace while the hawkmen attack and Dale and Ming are busy getting married. The palace guards, not content to just let Flash fly in and screw up the ceremony, shoot at him and Vultan, in order to join his men's attack, leaves Flash behind to die a fiery death. Or something like that.
Elsewhere, Zarkov and Dalton break into the palace's control room and Dalton rips off some guy's funny glasses and shoots a chick. That's so badass. While Zarkov messes with the computers, Dalton shoots a couple guards and then he steals a better gun in the process. While the marriage ceremony starts on a very large balcony, Dalton gets the palace's shields taken down, which means that Flash can safely guide the ship in and impale Ming with the point conveniently protruding from the front of it. Ming, direly wounded, confronts Flash and Flash, now with the upper hand, tells Ming to stop attacking Earth. Rather than subordinate himself to a very lucky football player, Ming disintegrates himself . . . which somehow saves Earth? Huh? As a denouement, Dalton becomes the new emperor and he names Vultan his general . . . until such time as Vultan stages a coup and overthrows Dalton. Flash and Dale, perhaps sensing that outcome in the future, elect to go back to Earth while a mysterious hand shows up to retrieve Ming's ring of power and Ming starts cackling from the ether. Dum-dum-DUM!
After watching Flash Gordon for the first time in a long time, it comes as no surprise as to why it was a flop in the U.S. After such gritty and/or fully realized sci-fi flicks like 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Wars, and even Alien, the film culture probably wasn't ready for an over-the-top, Technicolor wonder like Flash Gordon, going totally against the contemporary current at the time. While the camp elements of Flash Gordon the overdone sets, the saturated colors, the oftentimes horribly stilted acting, and the straddling of the real world and science fiction are part of the film's many charms now, in its day they could only serve to hurt it at the box office. Unfortunately, those who eschewed Flash Gordon upon its release missed a fun and unabashedly entertaining movie, and that's their loss and my gain. Though Flash Gordon may have been lambasted in its time, now it is certainly a rare, true Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I celebrate the upcoming school year with a little help from forgotten HOT CHICK Betsy Russell. See you then!
