Misunderstood Masterpieces: Private School

Posted by Will Helm on 08.21.2007

…or, A Requiem for a Forgotten Genre

Back in the ‘80s, no genre was more beloved by teenaged boys smart enough to watch HBO on Friday nights than the "tit-com." These usually low-budgeted films were equally low on quality, but high on raunchy situations and nudity. Lots and lots of nudity. So much so, in fact, that astute viewers would learn to decode the letters accompanying the ratings at the beginning of the film; "N" usually meant the viewer was in store for many treats, while "BN" traditionally meant a flash of man-ass. And no one wants to see man-ass on a Friday night.

Of course, hopefully like many my age, I watched – and nearly memorized – these fine films with a disturbing level of religiosity. From Valet Girls to Summer Job to The Bikini Carwash Company to Blue Movies to even The Rosebud Beach Hotel, these films were an introduction to the raunchy possibilities of low-budget cinema. Though the argument could be made that they were all merely just the Bush to Porky's and Revenge of the Nerds' Nirvana, these "tit-coms" were entertaining and fun. And then . . . they all disappeared. Some how, not only are the bulk of these films forgotten, the genre itself seems to have been relegated to the sands of time. Sadly, even when other, worse films see new life on DVD, these "tit-coms" have been ignored, except for a few lone examples.

Luckily, one of those examples also happens to be one of the best films of the genre, 1983's Private School. As Phoebe Cates' follow-up to her near-legendary performance in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Private School actually eschewed the element that made the former performance so famous in lieu of a new face on the scene: ‘80s "tit-com" legend Betsy Russell. Though many have starred in "tit-coms" throughout the early ‘80s, few have achieved the mythical status of Betsy Russell. With a very limited résumé – until very recently . . . more on that later – Ms. Russell hit the scene like a shooting star and then disappeared just as quickly, making her mark in Private School, Avenging Angel, and Tomboy – as well as a handful of other, smaller performances – and then seemingly falling off the face of the Earth. Thankfully, a barebones DVD of Private School still exists and Ms. Russell's performance may be enough to elevate it to the status of Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Fittingly, the scene is set at an all-girls private school where the nubile young students somehow turn into drawings accompanied by terrible ‘80s rock. I'm surprised there are opening credits as I never thought anyone would take credit for this. After the crap-rock subsides, the night overcomes the daylight and a girl in one of the dorms reads a raunchy romance novel. Meanwhile, three nerds sneak onto campus under the cover of darkness . . . and their overwhelming dorkiness. While HOT CHICKS shower and get dressed somewhere in the building – as that is a prerequisite of all "tit-coms," fresh-faced lass Christine Ramsey (Cates) is revealed to be the narrator of the naughty novel.

While Christine entertains her cynical roommate (Kathleen Wilhoite . . . the sassy waitress from Road House) with tales of bodice-ripping delight, the trio of nerds – nice guy Jim (a very young Matthew Modine), dopey Bubba (Michael Zorek), and the nondescript one – scale the outside of the building. With the nerds' human ladder at completion, the fruits of their endeavor reveal themselves as Bubba takes photos of HOT CHICK Jordan Leigh-Jensen (Russell) taking a shower. Jordan, being a cagey HOT CHICK, catches onto the nerds' little scheme, so she conspires with Christine and her roommate to make the nerds fall off the side of the building. Somehow, this causes the roommate to wish REVENGE against . . . Jordan. OK, that makes no sense; she wasn't the one trying to sneak a peek into their room, but I'll go with it. To that end, the roommate and Christine leave a flaming bag of poo outside Jordan's door. Yup.

Sometime later, at a co-ed dance, the nerds show up relatively unharmed – even though they all fell off a building – while Jim reveals himself, logically, to be their de facto leader. Jim, being their leader and a nice guy, is, of course, connected with sweet, young Christine. Jordan, meanwhile, just grooves to the terrible rock band performing onstage; it's so obvious she's going to be on their tour bus tonight. After the rockin' song, the stuffy principal (Fran Ryan) addresses the crowd and, afterward, the band gets "sensitive." Ah, I guess it's time for a slow song . . . or even a power ballad. Blech. It's not all bad, though, as the soulful strains cause Christine to randomly question Jim about getting it on and then, after a cursory answer, she consents to give up her treasured virginity.

While Jim and Christine share a tender moment, everyone laughs at Bubba's boner while elderly women standing in the wings are appalled. And here I would've thought it'd be a thrill for them; go figure. Meanwhile, Jordan reveals herself to be jealous of Christine and Jim's relationship so she decides it wise to steal him away from her. Nowadays, she'd try to steal her away from him . . . which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. While Jordan conspires, Bubba and the roommate sneak off to the principal's office for a little bit of drinking and nookie. Unfortunately for them, in the midst of their clumsy foreplay, they're rudely interrupted by the principal and her elderly followers. Again, I would've thought this would be a thrill for them; I guess I don't know elderly women as well as I should.

And that sentence sounds much more wrong on paper than it did in my head.

The next day, all the female students – now Spandex-clad – do aerobics on the school's field for no reason in particular. Somehow, the exercise regimen turns into a rhythmic dance number, probably for all the guys in the audience that like that kind of thing. Later, in class, the girls have sex education with softcore-porn star Sylvia Kristel . . . while the principal and her old ladies look on. OK; this plot device is getting old and weird at the same time. After class, Christine calls a hotel so that she and Jim can steal away for a tryst and she can finally lose that troublesome hymen of hers. How romantic!

Sometime later, some girls ride horses – along with the male students from the sister school. Wait a second . . . is a related all-male school still a "sister" school? "Brother school" does sound awfully weird, after all. Anyway, while students ride horses – which is probably the only thrill some of them will have for the next couple years, Jordan flirts with the nerds while Jim and Christine chat. Jordan, sensing an opportunity to create a rift between Jim and Christine, hijacks a horse and, while riding, flashes Jim, much to Christine's chagrin. The roommate, being a vengeful sort, steals Jordan's shirt and all the nerds flip out at the sight of exposed breasts. Even one of the old women cracks wise, so I don't feel as wrong as I did a few paragraphs earlier.

That weekend, Jim goes to the nearest druggist to buy a box of condoms and he's really enthusiastic about it . . . until he meets with kindly pharmacist Martin Mull. Somehow, through a convoluted series of events and conversation, Martin Mull sells Jim a plethora of dental-hygiene products. Christine, unhappy with Jim's purchases, elects to go buy the condoms herself – since she is a liberated woman or something – and all goes well until Martin Mull gets a little too specific with the variations of prophylactics and Christine's principal shows up to ruin the fun. Dum-dum-DUM!

At a nearby arcade, the nerds hang out and Bubba plays a strangely X-rated videogame. What does he think this is? The Commodore 64? Bored with 8-bit hentai, the nerds then force Jim to call Christine, just because they're in awe of his awesome stud powers. While Jim whispers sweet nothings to Christine over the phone, Jordan listens in and breaks up the fun. The roommate, as per her particular idiom, swears REVENGE once more! This time, instead of elementary-school pranks, the roommate breaks into Jordan's room and tampers with the stitching of her cheerleading uniform, as well as another uniform. Hmm . . . I wonder what effect that will have?

The next day, rather than Jordan donning the tampered uniforms, the questionable garments end up on Jordan's roommate (Kari Lizer) and the straight-laced cheerleading coach (Julie Payne). Expectedly, the uniforms fail, giving all of the onlookers a hilarious surprise and humiliating the cheerleading coach in the process. In the aftermath, the principal is not happy with the rampant amorality going on under her nose, so she sentences all the girls to house arrest – or a reasonable facsimile thereof; Paris Hilton would be proud. After dismissing the troublesome ladies, the principal and the coach get wasted; Lindsay Lohan would be proud too.

That evening, the nerd squad sneaks onto campus once again, this time disguised as women. Buffy and Hildegard they ain't. Anyway, the three nerds are busy looking for HOT CHICKS, but instead they find Jordan, who, while certainly a HOT CHICK, kidnaps Jim because she can easily see through his disguise. While Jordan uses a cold glass bottle to pique Jim's interests, the rest of the girls in the dorm totally ignore the fact that there's two ersatz transvestites in their midst. Jordan, continuing with her plan, strips for Jim while Bubba visits the roommate, his erstwhile girlfriend. The roommate, however, wants a little more foreplay this time, so Bubba goes climbing out onto the building in search of Jim. Umm . . . OK. Instead of asking Jim for lessons, Bubba decides to hang out on the ledge – no pun intended – and watch Jim reluctantly give Jordan a massage. Before Bubba can see any more, the roommate catches him peeking and causes him to fall off the building – again – while Jordan "freaks out" and gets Jim in trouble with Christine in the process. Mission accomplished!

While Jim hastily exits the premises, Bubba somehow survives his fall and sneaks back into the building. Conveniently, Bubba stumbles upon the girls' locker room where a horde of girls undress and shower. And these girls just *love* showering . . . and toweling off . . . and slowly getting dressed . . . and I better stop before this column gets messy. Anyway, as a total buzzkill, Bubba ends up trapped in the sauna, which isn't bad until the principal shows up for a little bit of steam. After all of this, Bubba is going to end up with some serious sexual dysfunctions; no doubt about it . . . and yet it gets worse, as, upstairs, the drunken coach stumbles through the halls. The roommate, being vengeful yet sweet, lets the coach sleep in her bed, which is just fine until Bubba joins the coach and molests her. After chaos breaks out yet again, the nerds sulk off from the campus, dejected. Gee; I wonder why?

In the following weeks, Christine won't take Jim's calls, mainly because she's too busy being part of a musical montage. Perhaps demonstrating the depths of her rage, she even callously throws out some flowers Jim caringly sent to her. Dum-dum-DUM! Meanwhile, Jim, probably in the throes of sexual frustration, freaks out at his nerdy friends. Finally, at the end of his rope and, conveniently, on parent-visitation day, Jim goes to Christine's father for help . . . in getting into Christine's pants. Hopefully Christine's father doesn't know that, though. While one drunken dad lasciviously watches co-eds and then nearly falls in the pool, Jordan's father makes out with his new wife in his fancy car on the way to the school . . . while chauffer Ray Walston listens in. OK, that's just icky, Uncle Martin.

Meanwhile, Christine's father speaks up on Jim's behalf and the roommate, who actually doesn't want any REVENGE against Jim, tells Christine to forgive him. Jordan, on the other hand, suffers the slings and arrows of a new stepmother and she's not happy about it, either. Before Jordan can vent her frustration, the drunken dad dumps Sylvia Kristel in the pool and Jordan's dad rescues her and makes out with her as well. Or, he's just really insistent on performing mouth-to-mouth.

While Christine and Jim kiss and make up, the principal, in the parking lot, mistakes Ray Walston for Jordan's father and, through a convoluted series of events, they end up in the back seat of the car together. In addition, Bubba and the roommate, once again sneaking off for nookie, get into the front seat and their shocked – SHOCKED! – to find the Ray Walston in the backseat getting fresh with the principal. Rather then get out of there and burn their eyes and ears with caustic lye, Bubba and the roommate instead put the principal and Ray Walston on the car's convenient loudspeaker for all to hear . . . and then they get it on anyway. Before they can finish the act, however, the principal catches onto what's going on and she tries to kill Bubba. In the tumult, the car ends up in gear and finally, after a lengthy scuffle, comes to rest at the bottom of the pool.

Sometime later, Jim and Christine leave together for their sexual rendezvous; meanwhile, the other nerds – as they seem to have multiplied – take bets on whether or not Bubba can get Jordan naked in the meantime. Jim and Christine reach their destination . . . and it's a fairly skanky hotel surrounded by cranky geriatrics. Maybe they're all the husbands of the principal's elderly followers. Inside the hotel, Jim and Christine check in under some crazy, convoluted name and then they escape to their gaudy love den. Once there, Jim has to bribe the bellhop to leave – so that's how the tipping culture got out of hand in this country! – and, unsurprisingly, Christine isn't impressed with the surroundings.

Back at the school, Jordan stops by the boys school to visit with Bubba, while his associates take more bets and hide in the closet. Jordan, an open-minded girl, is impressed with the prodigious amount of porn lining the walls of the room and then Bubba clumsily hits on her. I guess he should've taken more lessons from Jim before enacting this scheme. Throughout his protracted courtship, Bubba beats up his friends who are all hiding in various places in the room.

At the hotel, Phoebe isn't in the mood for nookie as it seems that she isn't turned on by vibrating beds and pink champagne. Jim tries to convince her, gently, to give it up . . . but she just gets sick instead. I hope she doesn't have a dysfunction as well; this movie doesn't need a serious plot twist like every damned movie nowadays. Back at the boys' school, Jordan protests her imprisonment, so Bubba sprays her with champagne to get her naked. I'm sure, in his hormone addled brain, that made a lot of sense. Meanwhile, the roommate, who is on the boys' school campus for no reason in particular, finds Jordan's car outside and she catches Bubba and Jordan together. In the ensuing melee, all of the nerds are somehow pummeled and then Bubba falls out the window; I'm really shocked he doesn't have a major concussion or even brain damage at this point. Or maybe he does.

The next morning, Jim and Christine mope on the beach and they apologize to each other about not getting it on. Sigh. How emo. With the atonement out of the way, Jim and Christine then frolic in the ocean and, remarkably, this leads to them getting it on on the beach . . . because nothing says "a romantic first time" like "sandy vagina." Finally, now that Christine is deflowered, she – and the other girls – can graduate and all the plotlines can resolve. To that end, Jordan's newest stepmother ends up being Sylvia Kristal; oh the hilarity. In addition, the nerds attend the ceremony in disguise and the drunken dad hits on transvestite Bubba – perhaps all the head trauma has him thinking he's a woman – and the roommate gives an angst-filled speech finishing with a cheer wherein all the girls moon the principal . . . and then they turn into drawings again. Ah, continuity.

For fans of the "tit-coms", Private School holds a dear place within the genre as the birthplace of the career of Betsy Russell. Sadly, much like her co-star Phoebe Cates, Ms. Russell's career ended in the early ‘90s due not to age or a shift in tastes but . . . marriage. Apparently, Ms. Russell married into the massive Van Patten clan and gave up her career in order to be a respectable housewife. Kudos for her, I say, but, for those mourning a mercurial career, all is not lost. It seems that, in the past few years, the makers of the Saw franchise have coaxed Ms. Russell back to the silver screen and, after a small part in Saw III, she is to once again star – and, perhaps, shine brighter than ever – in Saw IV. And to think it all started in Private School, an honest-to-goodness Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a big gorilla comes to New York for a big-budget remake. See you then!