Misunderstood Masterpieces: King Kong
Posted by Will Helm on 08.28.2007
or, The Ape Abides
In 1933, one of the first true cinematic spectacles was released to theaters. Featuring cutting edge special effects; a campy, sensational storyline; and a young, nubile starlet, this film would grow to be a legendary picture and perhaps even influence a genre that still exists today. That genre is the "monster flick" and the film is King Kong. While somewhat quaint to today's sensibilities, King Kong was the pinnacle of special effects in its day and would come to inspire more than a few copycats and remakes.
Quite recently, in fact, award-winning director Peter Jackson turned his vision, honed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy, to the big ape with a faithful, big-budget, extended remake of the original film in 2005. Though considered by some as overly long, 2005's King Kong made quite a bit at a box office extremely saturated by remakes. This was not the first remake of King Kong however; that would be 29 years prior, with the Dino De Laurentiis-produced version of King Kong. And, most shockingly unlike the later remake, the 1976 edition of King Kong would be set in contemporary time; yes, King Kong goes 70s. While this, among other elements, would conspire to make the film more a disappointment than a flop, this version of King Kong may still find new life as a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
In Indonesia, an Asian captain which makes sense in Indonesia stands by a big ship belonging to an oil company while two guys chat about pipe. Wow. Exciting. Things pick up, however, when The Dude (Jeff Bridges, looking like a somewhat thinner version of his legendary character from The Big Lebowski) drives up in a taxi and bribes his way into the marina. Inside the big ship, Charles Grodin yells at the ship's captain (John Randolph) about the weather because he wants to sail directly to their impending destination. Why do I get the feeling there will be an iceberg, right ahead? The Dude, being awesome, sneaks onboard the ship and, moments later, the ship sails out and Charles Grodin celebrates the undertaking as only he and his porn mustache can.
Out at sea, the ship gets stuck in a storm and The Dude, hiding out in a lifeboat, gets quite wet. Meanwhile, the captain tortures Charles Grodin's stomach with tales of turbulence on the high seas and the radio operator picks up a faint mayday somewhere near their location. After ignoring the nearby mayday, Charles Grodin briefs his men regarding their mission. It seems that there's a mysterious fog bank in the middle of the South Pacific and some scientist (Rene Auberjonois) explains why it's significant. Apparently, the fog bank may be hiding an island that is ripe with oil reserves ready for the taking. Before the scientist can continue, The Dude, who snuck into the room under the cover of darkness, pipes up from the back with a raft of skepticisms. In addition to being a damned dirty hippie, The Dude also knows biology and the history of the mysterious island . . . because he's a paleontologist. Lick Poop would be proud. Charles Grodin, not happy to see a stowaway in his midst, freaks out and has him locked up but, along the way to the brig, The Dude spies a raft on the ocean and points it out to Charles Grodin's sympathetic underlings.
Moments later, the seamen find a HOT CHICK (Jessica Lange) riding a rubber dinghy on the surface of the water. Umm . . . maybe that's why Charles Grodin grew the porn mustache, because that sounds pretty dirty. The men collaborate to rescue the unconscious HOT CHICK and then they try to have their way with her, but Charles Grodin, his porn mustache, and the captain shoo them away. Later, Charles Grodin finds out that The Dude isn't just a damned dirty hippie but also, rightfully, a professor of paleontology at Princeton . . . because everyone loves alliteration. Charles Grodin has The Dude released from the brig and, as The Dude isn't a spy or saboteur, makes him the expedition's official photographer. I wonder if all the pictures will have a holographic seal of authenticity.
Later, the HOT CHICK wakes up and The Dude, being The Dude, explains what's going on. The HOT CHICK then counters with her backstory, as apparently she's an aspiring actress and she infers that she was in porn or something like that. Hmm . . . maybe she was riding a rubber dinghy literally and figuratively. To that end, she wants to "thank" The Dude for rescuing her and then she starts rambling incoherently because she's either delirious or an idiot. My vote's for the latter, personally. As the guys on the voyage warm up to having a HOT CHICK in their midst, they all give her articles of clothing while she and The Dude hang out. It's good to be The Dude.
After a near eternity of musical montages and The Dude and the HOT CHICK bonding, the ship finally reaches the fog bank and drops anchor. While Charles Grodin prepares a party, the HOT CHICK begs and whines for him to let her go with them and, after a few annoying minutes, Charles Grodin relents. The party does indeed find the mysterious island within the fog bank though it would've been a short film if there was no island at all and they disembark with Charles Grodin requesting triumphant pictures the whole time, though The Dude and the HOT CHICK are too busy goofing around to care. While Charles Grodin and the men explore, the HOT CHICK, because she is an idiot, runs ahead and then The Dude catches up with her and scolds her for her insolence.
In the middle of the island, the party finds a wall and The Dude explains, much to Charles Grodin and his porn mustache's surprise, that he island is, in fact, inhabited. Dum-dum-DUM! Appropriately, that evening, the party witnesses a native ceremony wherein a young virgin girl is getting "married." The stereotypical ritual continues unabated until a guy in a gorilla mask spots the party and interrupts the fun. The natives corner the party and the high priest the guy in the gorilla mask requests the HOT CHICK . . . and he's even willing to trade some young virgins for her. Charles Grodin and the men, being unenlightened and unfamiliar with moral relativism, refuse the high priest's request and then scare off the natives with thunder magic. I mean "gunshots."
Later that night, the HOT CHICK lounges on the ship, where she's mesmerized by the full moon and radar. Hey . . . how did Gary Burghoff get in this movie? Below deck, Charles Grodin and The Dude argue because Charles Grodin wants oil, but The Dude wants peace. After all, he is a damned dirty hippie. Fed up with Charles Grodin's skewed ethics, The Dude plans a solitary expedition to the island. Before he can set sail, the HOT CHICK shows up to tell him not to go because he's an Aries. Umm . . . OK, then. The Dude consoles her by requesting a session of nookie when he gets back, and then he goes back onto the ship to get more supplies. While he's gone, a raft full of natives arrives surreptitiously to kidnap the HOT CHICK. In the aftermath, The Dude finds evidence of the crime and plans REVENGE . . . pretty much because the HOT CHICK really tied the room together.
On the island, the HOT CHICK wakes up dressed in stereotypical native garb and she discovers that she's to be a sacrifice to the mysterious "Kong." Beforehand, however, a native dance number breaks out; why do I get the feeling that Debbie Allen was probably involved? The natives then open the giant doors to the gate and the HOT CHICK goes through to Mordor. Oh, wait . . . wrong movie. The natives, being terrified of the wrath of "Kong," tie up the HOT CHICK and then, for good measure, they lock her in as well. Meanwhile, on the beach, Charles Grodin, The Dude, and the men arrive in search of the HOT CHICK.
Elsewhere, Kong finally arrives for the HOT CHICK and he beats on his rubbery chest to impress her. The HOT CHICK, however, really isn't impressed with the alpha male behavior and she freaks out instead. Kong, curious as to the native's offering, plucks the HOT CHICK from her perch and notices, rightly, that she's a HOT CHICK. Kong's got good taste because he's just a giant pimp. Kong takes the HOT CHICK into the forest and the natives celebrate, probably because Kong isn't running rampant and squishing them underfoot. I'd say that's a good reason to celebrate. Unfortunately for the natives, their little soiree is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Charles Grodin and The Dude, who scare off the natives with more thunder magic and, this time, demon lights. I mean "flares."
Afterward, the men go through the Freudian gate and Charles Grodin falls into a Kong-print. Charles Grodin, being a callow mockery of a man, elects to give up his search, so The Dude and the rest of the men go on while he retreats. Down on the beach, Charles Grodin chats with the captain who, unintentionally, gives him marketing ideas involving Kong. Meanwhile, The Dude gets cranky with the first mate (professional hardass Ed Lauter), probably because the natives ruined his chances of getting some nookie.
The next morning, Kong and the HOT CHICK wake up together and, thankfully, the scene doesn't become reminiscent of the aftermath of a very uncomfortable one night stand. I can only imagine that . . .
HOT CHICK: So, umm, I'll call you?
Kong: Graaaaawwl!
HOT CHICK: No, no . . . you were great. I just have to get to work.
Kong: Graaaaawwl!
HOT CHICK: It's OK; I'm not hungry and I've got cab fare.
Hopefully he used the rubber dinghy for protection; he doesn't know where the HOT CHICK's been. Anyway, while the HOT CHICK tries to scamper away, Kong toys with her with his giant hands. The HOT CHICK then attempts to escape, but Kong simply scoops her up and then she starts rambling about how the relationship will never work or something like that. Great; the last thing this movie needed was racial overtones. I guess she's afraid of miscegenation and her father would never approve. Then, with no warning, the HOT CHICK starts yelling and hitting Kong BITCHES BE CRAZY! and then she starts hitting ON him. Ah, there's nothing sexier than the Stockholm Syndrome.
The HOT CHICK tries to run away again but, this time, she falls in some mud and Kong kind of digs it. Pervert. Elsewhere on the island, The Dude wanders around and he and Charles Grodin resume their ongoing philosophical argument via radio. Meanwhile, Kong gives the HOT CHICK a bath in a waterfall he's an unusually tender lover and then he blow dries her and they bond. Back on the beach, Charles Grodin learns from his flighty geologist that, ironically, there isn't any oil worth pumping on the island! Nelson Muntz laughs at you, Charles Grodin! Ha-ha!
On a soundstage made up to look like an island in the South Pacific, The Dude and the men stumble around aimlessly until they come to a perilous gorge. Rather than turning back like any sensible human, The Dude pretends there's danger in walking over a precarious log bridge. The Dude succeeds with ease, so the men follow confidently. Perhaps their confidence was a little too hasty, however, as Kong shows up unannounced to knock the bulk of the men to a terrible green-screen death! While one of the men escapes, Kong tries to grab The Dude, but he survives.
Out in the Pacific, a plane drops barrels for the big ship to pick up; meanwhile, Charles Grodin finds out his men are dead. He seems unmoved, but his porn mustache mourns silently. The Dude, perfectly unharmed, follows Kong through the forest while Charles Grodin and his surviving men set up a trap for Kong . . . and Charles Grodin tells off the captain for no apparent reason. In the forest, Kong hangs out with the HOT CHICK and she tries to reason with him about something or other. Honestly, at this point I just zone out whenever her mouth starts moving. Evidently, Kong feels the same way as he gets a little frisky and pulls down her top. Whoa . . . Kong's Gone Wild! Before Kong can get it on, a big rubber snake rudely interrupts; as Kong kills the snake anticlimactically, the HOT CHICK somehow finds The Dude even though she really had no idea he was nearby.
The Dude and the HOT CHICK run away and Kong, unsurprisingly, gives chase. The Dude and the HOT CHICK, rather than face Kong's wrath, go cliff diving. Meanwhile, outside the gate, Charles Grodin readies his clever trap. The Dude and the HOT CHICK reach the gate and make it to the other side; Kong, moments later, arrives at the gate and he begins busting his way through. After Charles Grodin springs the trap, Kong falls in and is rendered unconscious by a cloud of chloroform. I guess Jim Cornette was booking this movie. With Kong safely subdued, the natives who mysteriously disappeared and became a non-factor until this point show up to pay their respects.
On a giant oil tanker, Kong is shipped back to the United States . . . and he isn't very happy about it, either. Charles Grodin, meanwhile, signs some nebulous paperwork somehow making the HOT CHICK famous. The Dude, being conscientious, isn't very excited for her success and the HOT CHICK realizes that she's part of an unethical undertaking. Charles Grodin, however, keeps her from quitting by blackmailing her with her exclusive contract and intimating that Kong was actually a date rapist. I guess Kong doesn't know that "no" means "graaaaawl." Charles Grodin, being Charles Grodin, then yells at The Dude for nearly ruining his grand scheme for fame and fortune.
That night, The Dude and the HOT CHICK get a bit frisky . . . until Kong gets jealous and starts tearing up the inside of the ship, ruining The Dude's chances for nookie. There are few things more embarrassing than getting cockblocked by a giant ape. Few things, indeed. The HOT CHICK, being somehow sympathetic to Kong's plight . . . even though he's a date rapist, tries to settle him down but, instead, she falls into his ersatz prison in the process. Kong, gently, catches her and calms down, because he loves her. How sweet!
Days and/or weeks later, in a suburb of New York City, the oil company has a parade while The Dude quits Charles Grodin's little undertaking due to ethical considerations. The Dude wants the HOT CHICK to come with him, but she just wants to be famous, so she stays behind. As well, Charles Grodin promises to blacklist her, so The Dude dumps her on the spot. Later that night, Charles Grodin and the HOT CHICK host a disco-inspired debut for Kong. To that end, the HOT CHICK is tied up with garland and attacked by a giant gas pump whoa . . . mid-70s symbolism, anyone? which contains Kong inside . . . with a mocking crown on his head. Sigh . . . now all he needs is a placard with the initials for "Kong, King of the Apes" in Latin over his head to complete the Christian symbolism.
After Kong is unveiled, a horde of reporters hassle a bound HOT CHICK, much to Kong's chagrin. Kong, unhappy with the treatment of his beloved, escapes from his cage to rescue the HOT CHICK from nosy newsmen. He then, feeling impish, walks off the stage and everyone, unsurprisingly, freaks out. Along the way to freedom, Kong steps on people go get em, Kong and The Dude shows up to spirit away the HOT CHICK. Sadly, in the process of escaping, Kong also squishes Charles Grodin and his porn mustache . . . may they rest in peace.
Somewhere nearby, The Dude and the HOT CHICK hop on the subway perhaps the need to get back to Coney Island and rest easy . . . until Kong decides to catch their train, literally. The HOT CHICK and The Dude once again escape, this time to Manhattan. Meanwhile, Kong hides from helicopters. Somewhere in the Village or Tribeca or somewhere like that, the HOT CHICK wants a drink and, after a bit of haggling, The Dude abides. Kong, putting his life and health at risk, swims through the East River to Manhattan, where the HOT CHICK and The Dude are busy sharing drinks surprisingly, they're not imbibing White Russians and sharing a tender moment. Before they can FINALLY get it on, The Dude has an attack of déjà vu . . . or an acid flashback, and then he calls the mayor, probably to tell him that the space aliens from the planet Murtaugh are readying their gamma lasers.
Actually, The Dude calls the mayor to bargain for Kong's life because The Dude knows where Kong is headed: to the World Trade Center! Too soon, Kong! Too soon! While The Dude and the mayor play Let's Make a Deal, Kong shows up at the bar and kidnaps the HOT CHICK; I've heard of picking women up in a bar, but that's taking it a little too literally. The Dude is not amused with this development, but he does have a certain sense of satisfaction when Kong predictably climbs one of the Twin Towers. While Kong scampers to the top with the HOT CHICK in tow, The Dude calmly takes the elevator because he is, after all, evolved . . . despite the shaggy mane and scraggly beard.
Kong and the HOT CHICK reach the roof and, before they can rekindle their romance, some Army guys show up to terrorize Kong with their flamethrowers. Kong, sensing safety only a block away, jumps to the other tower and then he blows up the Army guys with a random tank of . . . something. The Dude, also now sympathetic of Kong's plight, celebrates; he's probably thinking "go get em, Kong!" The joy is short lived, however, as a trio of helicopters shows up and they shoot at Kong anticlimactically. Kong! You're out of your element! The HOT CHICK tries to save him by acting as a human shield, but it doesn't last long. While The Dude looks on in horror, Kong passes out on the roof and then he rolls over and falls to the ground. Somehow, the HOT CHICK makes it down to ground level just in time to watch Kong die. I feel sorry for the guy who has to clean that up. Seriously? Are they going to drag off Kong's corpse? Cut it up into manageable bits? Movies never delve into the sick aftermath of monster attacks and the sad, unheralded crew tasked with repairing the damage. For example, rather than showing what happens in the days after Kong's demise, the film ends with reporters mobbing the HOT CHICK again and The Dude standing around in a daze while she freaks out. Yay?
Though King Kong did earn some money at the box office and even turned a profit, I can understand why it is considered a disappointment. While the original film was, for the most part, a monster movie, the 1976 update of the tale turns the story into a jumble of allegorical subplots. The film eschews any semblance of sentimentality or even drama for these strange commentaries on the oil industry, fleeting fame, environmentalism, and so on. As well, the pacing of the film is horrendously flawed, as it takes about an hour for anything to happen in the film and then, after forty-five minutes of "action," the film ends in a horrifying anticlimax. Kong's demise is just so bizarre and mishandled that it almost defies description; in addition to the unnecessary treachery of the mayor's office and the National Guard, Kong meets his fate with little conflict and almost a sense of resignation. Kong doesn't fight for his freedom and life; somehow, for some reason, he realizes that away from Skull Island his is no longer a god and merely a doomed mortal . . . because everyone knows King Kong needed the Nietzsche treatment. For that, among its other flaws, the 1976 version of King Kong is surely a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as another classic monster gets the remake treatment . . . and he isn't too happy about it either. See you then!
