The Bullseye 9.02.07: Transformers

Posted by Scotty Flamingo on 09.02.2007

Less than meets the eye. See what I did there?

Do you have a certain movie, show, or celebrity that you hate, but you don't see much criticism about? We're not talking Paris Hilton here, everyone hates her. This column is about those things that seem to slip though the cracks of the critics, or are overly praised by lovesick fanboys. This is The Bullseye.

Ahoy me hardys! Welcome to The Bullseye! After several issues of the Spotlight, I feel it is time to get back to some good old fashioned ranting. So with summer winding up, I figured it was the perfect time to hand pick the most overrated movie of the summer of 2007. I didn't even have to think about it. It would have to be my biggest disappointment of the summer, the Michael Bay "masterwork", Transformers. But first, let's but the target on a more minor gripe of mine in a segment I call…



The Quickshot

This week's Quickshot is for the dumbass Coke Short Film Contest Winner that I've had to watch in front of every movie this summer. For those that have no idea what I'm talking about, Coke hosts a "film" contest to discover up-and-coming filmmakers. Of course the short film has to basically a commercial for Diet Coke. Anyway, this year's auteurs created a little piece of crap about some douchebag that is late for a big important business meeting. He drinks a Diet Coke and magically is able to get ready in seconds with his tie tying itself and sliding down the street. The "actor" playing the main character is some jackass with a Kramer hairdo that mugs for the camera so much, he should have a handle on his head.



Transformers

The idea for a Transformers movie has been floating around for years. It wasn't anything I really cared about either way. I figured I'd wait until the movie was actually a reality. It is the same reason I haven't been excited about Indiana Jones IV in over a decade. It is more of a "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude.
Eventually, Michael Bay got attached. A lot of fanboys were up and arms about this, but I thought it could be a good match. Bay makes braindead action movie that are more sizzle than steak, so I figured giant robots would be up his alley. Now let's get something straight. I'm not one of these people that think that Transformers couldn't make a good movie just because it's based on a toy. I think just about anything can be made into a good movie if you understand the source material and the audience. With something like Transformers, I'm not expecting Shakespeare. I just want to see stuff blown up and big ass robots duking it out.

As I started seeing bits and pieces of the movie through trailers or online, I got more excited. It looked like it was shaping up to be a big, fun, expensive summer popcorn movie. However, there was one nagging worry in my mind. I kept reading about new names being attached. Shia Laboof signed on, because it is required by law to have him in your movie. Then Tyrese was attached. I realized that they wouldn't be signing on names to just be cannon fodder for Starscream. It made me think back to the American version of Godzilla. One of the big problems with that movie was that they introduced a bunch of stupid human characters and focused on them as much, if not more, than the big monster. Nobody that goes to see a Godzilla movie, buys a ticket because of Matthew Broderick, and nobody is paying to see Tyrese in Transformers.

Finally, I got around to seeing Transformers, and my fears were confirmed within seconds. The film opens with a rag tag group of soilders that have been a cliché in sci-fi action movies since the days of Predator and Aliens. It is almost laughable how paint-by-numbers they are. You have the solider with the wife and new baby back home, you have the Crazy Cajun from Louisiana who craves his grandma's gumbo, and you have the jive talking black guy. None of these guys are the least bit likable and I actually said, "I hope the Decepticons kill every one of these assholes." But of course, they don't. In ridiculous, Independence Day fashion, an entire base gets wiped out, but somehow, not one key character is so much as injured.

Next, we move on to movie number two. The cliché's continue as we meet Laboof's character. He's a high schooler struggling with popularity and desires to get some wheels. He has is eyes on the hot girl, who just happens to be dating the jock that constantly harasses him. Where have I seen this before? Right. Every movie about teenagers EVER. So he gets his car, that just happens to be Bumblebee. This was a big point of dissention for the fanboys, and rightfully so. Bumblebee is not a VW Bug, but is a Camero. In interviews, Bay claimed that it was to distinguish Bumblebee from Herbie The Love Bug. Riiiiiiiight Michael. I'm sure that it had nothing to do with that huge sponsorship contract with GM, but instead was because kids might confuse it with a movie from the sixties.

Then we move on to movie number THREE. Are you following the plotlines? We've got a group of young computer gurus assisting the Department of Defense. Of course, they figure out what billions of dollars worth of government employees couldn't. And of course, no one believes them. And of course, they have to go to an underground computer hacker to put the pieces together. And OF COURSE, the hacker is an eccentric character played for comedic effect (Anthony Anderson playing jive talking black guy #2, or the exact same character he plays in EVERY role).

FINALLY, after all this bullcrap, we get to see the robots. This is the only saving grace of the movie as the effects are very impressive. Of course, the personalities leave a lot to be desired. While Optimus Prime is handled well, Ironhide is reduced to a Dirty Harry ripoff and Jazz is jive talking black guy #3. But at least the Autobots get personalities, even if they are cliché. The Decepticons are all pretty much interchangeable. There are maybe five lines of dialogue spoken by the entire lot of them, not including Megatron.

And speaking of Megatron, WORST DESIGN EVER. Now I understand that they couldn't go with Megatron's original gun transformation. Hell, I always had a problem with it when I was a kid. Starscream is shooting Megatron and then he transforms and is just as big? That said, Megatron turns into some retarded looking space jet that looks like it was designed by a second grader. How about something that actually exists like a Stealth Bomber? That would've been sweet.

So what do we have? We have three different plotlines featuring a bunch of stereotypical characters that we don't care about. We have the Autobots being played for comedic effect more than blowing stuff up. We have a bunch of Decepticons that have no personality except for Megatron and the annoying Frenzy (who at one point cracks his knuckles before hacking a computer. That's right, he crack knuckles that he doesn't have.).
So to all my friends that said, "Transformers is good! Great action! Great effects! Its just dumb fun!" I say WRONG. It's just dumb.