Misunderstood Masterpieces: Godzilla

Posted by Will Helm on 09.04.2007

…or, Nothing Says “Monster Movie” Like Petty Ignorance

In 1954, a monster of a movie took Japan by storm and unleashed a legend that would spread worldwide. The main protagonist of this film would grow in stature and strength to take on some of the most intimidating opponents in filmdom while still imposing his will over Japan and its inhabitants. He would become the subject of multiple film franchises spanning over a half a century and even crossing over into a new millennium. This film, and its titular main character, is Gojira, known, more famously, as Godzilla.

Originally the creation and property of Toho Films in Japan, Godzilla became somewhat of a cultural icon, though its origins lie more in tragedy than triumph. In the initial film, Godzilla attacked Tokyo after being rudely awakened/created by American nuclear weapon testing, a clear reference to the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Though destroyed in the first film, Godzilla would return in subsequent films to alternate between defending Earth from alien interlopers and crushing and burning Tokyo underfoot and with his legendary nuclear breath. As a hero and a villain, Godzilla is a remarkably complex character for having such a limited vocabulary and even a limited range of genre.

Though the original "Americanized" version of Gojira would come to U.S. shores in 1956 – featuring Raymond Burr in a "starring" role . . . edited into the original film, it took until 1998 for a true American remake to come to fruition. Though in "development hell" for quite a few years before release, Godzilla fell into the laps of producer/writer Dean Devlin and director/writer Roland Emmerich, fresh off their 1996 summer success story called Independence Day . . . featuring aliens that just happened to be powered by Mac . . . and Randy Quaid destroying a spaceship by becoming an alien suppository. And yet it grossed tons of cash; go figure. Anyway, Devlin and Emmerich, though taking on a character and property with a grand tradition behind it, supposedly ignored all of Toho's missives and then replaced them with petty inside jokes. These offenses, along with a terrible critical reception, doomed the film to become one of the bigger summer disappointments of recent years . . . and perhaps even a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

In the South Pacific, sepia-toned stuff happens while the opening credits roll. Among these antiquated goings on, lizard swim and bulldozers bulldoze . . . though I don't think there's any other appropriate verb to use there. French people – presumably, as all the signage on a mysterious island is French – test nuclear weapons, while using old, WWII vintage file footage. The lizards, near the testing grounds, are concerned and, more sinisterly, their eggs are irradiated. Now all the eggs need are a U.S. Department of Agriculture stamp stating that they're "Fit for consumption" and "Irradiated for your protection."

Sometime later, on a big ship, some Japanese guy sits around and watches sumo. Below deck, workers gut fish quietly. Ah, there's nothing like the doldrums of modern life to really set the tone of a monster movie. Much to the Japanese guy's chagrin, the sonar picks up a signal, interrupting his ramen-eating and sumo-watching routine. The giant, quick-moving blip attacks the ship with giant claws and a lizard-like tail. Meanwhile, in Chernobyl, Ukraine, Dr. Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) drives through the rain to a mysterious locale. Once there, Dr. Bueller electrifies the ground and harvests earthworms. So glamorous. Before Dr. Bueller has a chance to go fishing, the U.S. government shows up out of nowhere to reassign him to a new mission . . . probably involving different annelids.

In Tahiti, professional badass Jean Reno is a doctor and he interviews an elderly, radioactive survivor of the ship attack. Elsewhere, in Panama, Dr. Bueller tours the land with some Army guy (Kevin Dunn) and he bumbles his way into a giant lizard track. Dr. Bueller freaks out at the discovery until he meets Dr. Beth from NewsRadio (Vicki Lewis) who hits on him for no particular reason. Evading Dr. Beth's advances, Dr. Bueller then learns about the radioactive old guy . . . which really doesn't reveal anything in particular.

In New York City, some chick (Maria Pitillo, who very nearly fell off the face of the Earth after Godzilla) goes to work. Once there, she pesters Harry Shearer for a job or something, against the better judgment of her worldly best friend (Arabella Field). The chick wants a promotion, so Harry Shearer offers the fair trade of a promotion for a dinner date . . . and probably some adulterous nookie, as he is "married." Eh, that's never stopped men before.

Speaking of nookie, in Jamaica, Dr. Beth questions Dr. Bueller about his dating history and then, upon discovering that he's single, she hits on him again. There's nothing better than a totally professional relationship . . . with an emphasis on "relationship." Before Dr. Beth can bring a physical aspect to their collaboration, the convoy they're traveling with comes upon the wreck of the Japanese ship . . . which was last in the South Pacific. And now it's in the Caribbean . . . which means that it somehow ended up on the other side of a continent. OK, whatever movie. Jean Reno, who just happens to be there, probably on vacation from his job as a doctor in Tahiti, introduces himself to Dr. Bueller as an insurance-claims adjuster. Ooh! How sinister! I wonder if he has a henchman who's also a ninja actuary? After shrugging off Jean Reno, Dr. Bueller studies the remnants of the ship and he finds cans of tuna and a trail of fleshy goo, of which he wisely takes a sample.

Over in the mid-Atlantic, three fishing boats get caught up on something, fall apart, and are pulled under water. Meanwhile, Dr. Bueller, totally unconcerned about the fate of innocent fishermen just trying to make a living, studies his goo. Dr. Beth and the Army guy, though, find out about the fishing boats and are concerned until Dr. Bueller tells them that there might be radiation involved in the mysterious creature for which they're searching. Dum-dum-DUM!

In New York, the chick has lunch with her best friend and her husband, Hank Azaria. And now I have to wonder just how many cast members of The Simpsons are in this movie. The trio has a little chat about Harry Shearer's sexual harassment and then the chick is distracted by a news story on television about Dr. Bueller, who JUST HAPPENS to be her college sweetheart. Gee! Isn't that wonderfully convenient! Elsewhere in the city, some random old guy goes fishing – during a torrential downpour . . . which never ends during the movie – and he catches a giant lizard! The lizard isn't quite happy about getting hooked, so it comes up out of the East River to tear up cars and trucks and wreak havoc in Manhattan.

In another part of the borough, sleazy Mayor Ebert (Michael Learner) – so named as a dig against film critic and perennial thorn in Roland Emmerich's side Roger Ebert – gives a speech, while flanked by his trusty assistant Gene (Lorry Goldman), who, remarkably, isn't given the last name "Siskel." The giant lizard, I guess representing an opposing political viewpoint, breaks up the rally . . . and some nearby buildings as well. In one of the buildings, while Harry Shearer yells at someone over the phone, Nancy Cartwright stares out the window in awe and completes a trifecta of Simpsons voice actors. The lizard, perhaps knowing that there's a movie going on, also happens to walk by the diner where the chick, her friend, and Hank Azaria are eating. Hank Azaria, being a courageous cameraman, chases after the giant lizard and is nearly stepped on for his troubles.

In New Jersey, the Army and Dr. Bueller set up their home base and Dr. Bueller and Dr. Beth watch a news report featuring Hank Azaria's exclusive footage of the giant lizard. Meanwhile, as there is a giant lizard running rampant through the city, the mayor orders an evacuation of Manhattan while Harry Shearer and Hank Azaria ride in a chopper together. In another chopper, the mayor and his trusty assistant argue over Hershey's Kisses for no reason in particular . . . other than REALLY bizarre product placement. Jean Reno, being a sneaky and, perhaps, evil insurance-claims adjuster, plants a bug on the mayor.

Elsewhere, the chick, having a connection to the team investigating the giant lizard, plans on interviewing Dr. Bueller about the strange goings on. Meanwhile, Jean Reno eavesdrops on the mayor arguing with the Army guy about the lizard's whereabouts. Sometime later, the Army guy and his troops go down to the subway in search of the giant lizard and the Army guy, being sensible, orders all the tunnels out of Manhattan sealed. Dr. Bueller, meanwhile, espouses a different strategy: instead of trapping the lizard in, he wants to lure the lizard out. Elsewhere, in an apartment, Jean Reno complains to his underlings about the quality of American coffee.

Enacting Dr. Bueller's plan, the Army, led by the gay guy from Melrose Place (Doug Savant), dumps a ton of fish at the Flatiron building. With the plan not quite going according to . . . plan, Dr. Bueller orders his compatriots to open the surrounding manholes so that the lizard can pick up the scent of their offering. He even gets in on the action and, conveniently, the lizard chooses to make first contact with him, popping up out of the pavement to say "Hi!" While the Army flanks the giant lizard, Dr. Bueller staves them off with extremely subtle hand signals . . . which doesn't work for very long. Of course, with this being the late ‘90s Army, they blow up the Flatiron building accidentally and leave the giant lizard relatively unscathed. Oops.

I'm sure there's some sort of socio-political commentary there, but that would just be far too profound for this movie.

The lizard is not happy about the impromptu and unwarranted assault, so it runs through the city, pursued by some helicopters. The helicopters, perhaps impatient with the chase, blow up the Chrysler building for no particular reason other than just because everyone loves collateral damage to American landmarks. Too soon, Roland Emmerich! Too soon! In an adjacent neighborhood, the giant lizard busts some hapless looters and then, perhaps in REVENGE for them destroying the Chrysler building, it blows up the helicopters. The mayor, being stereotypically reactionary, freaks out at the disheartening developments. Dr. Bueller, unconcerned about the political tenor of the chaos, gets a blood sample and jokes around with those around him. Is he naïve, cynical, or just plain ignorant?

Back in New Jersey, the chick tracks down Dr. Bueller, who's busy buying pregnancy tests in a nearby pharmacy. Back at his tent, he and the chick have a little heart-to-heart about their tragic breakup eight years prior; this scene is obvious for the ladies in the audience. Then, as he seemingly instantaneously trusts her again, Dr. Bueller confides all of his crazy theories about the giant lizard to the chick, specifically that the lizard is asexual . . . and pregnant! Dum-dum-DUM! At least now it's obvious why the lizard went to New York City: it's searching for the best obstetrician it can find. Dr. Bueller, emboldened by this new discovery, leaves the chick alone in his tent and, while he's away, she watches video of the radioactive old guy, as well as other IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS. The chick, being an evil, ambitious woman, steals the tape and gives it to her general manager as a big scoop.

Jean Reno, still unhappy with the quality of American coffee, resigns himself to listening in on an Army briefing wherein Dr. Bueller reveals that the lizard may be pregnant . . . or have even laid eggs already! Some other, higher-ranking Army guy, being stubborn and unwilling to listen to scientific evidence – and I'm even surprised the plot line of using the giant lizard as a secret superweapon hasn't been broached, bickers with his underlings until the news story comes on, introduced by Harry Shearer, much to the chick's chagrin. Ha! That's karma, holmes! As Dr. Bueller is named in the report and they have secret footage last in his possession, the higher-ranking Army guy fires him on the spot – though I'm surprised he isn't summarily executed for treason in a time of crisis or something like that – because the chick screwed him over. Dr. Beth, perhaps sensing her last chance to get into Dr. Bueller's pants, apologizes to him, but he once again evades her advances.

Outside the base, the chick runs into Dr. Bueller and she's actually AMAZED that he got fired over her little story. Note to Dr. Bueller: you have bad taste in women, because this one's a dumb bitch. Rude, yes, but I believe warranted. The chick, perhaps realizing that she may be a little guilty for Dr. Bueller's unfortunate situation, tries to make things better by being honest, but Dr. Bueller, wisely, leaves her behind. Of course this isn't the end of it all, however, as Hank Azaria follows Dr. Bueller's cab . . . which is driven past the airport and down to the docks by Jean Reno! Hmm . . . maybe that's where he can find a good cup of coffee. And gay sex. Or not, as Jean Reno reveals himself to be neither a homosexual nor an evil insurance-claims adjuster but, actually, a French secret agent! Badassery shall now commence!

Proving my theory for the time being, Jean Reno takes Dr. Bueller down to his secret lair, staffed by a loyal group of fellow French secret agents. It seems that Jean Reno, much like in La Femme Nikita, is a man tasked with the duty to clean up France's messes, no matter where they lie. While Jean Reno provides a little exposition to Dr. Bueller, Hank Azaria spies on them from the outside and is amazed when Dr. Bueller joins forces with Jean Reno.

With this new development fresh in his mind, Hank Azaria returns home to argue with his wife and talk to a very hysterical chick. Perhaps to cheer her up, he explains to her what he has just witnessed and tells her that she deserves this scoop . . . rather than perhaps trying to atone for doing Dr. Bueller dirty earlier. Back at the docks, Jean Reno and his men move out and, once at their destination – the 23rd Street subway entrance, Jean Reno impersonates Elvis in order for his team to gain entry. No, seriously. Meanwhile, in another part of the station, Hank Azaria and the chick sneak around, looking for their big scoop; instead, the giant lizard shows up and Hank Azaria, being a company man until the end, films it once again.

This time, the lizard heads over to Central Park, where the Army has a finely laid trap set out in which to snare the lizard. The lizard, being not half as dumb as the Army, senses that there's something fishy going on, so it leaves and the Army blows up some more buildings to vent their frustrations. Look out! It's the World's Most Dangerous Military! The giant lizard then escapes the scene by risking its health and safety and diving into the Hudson River; unfortunately, it isn't as safe as the lizard thought, as there are three submarines waiting for it. The submarines fire their torpedoes at the giant lizard and, preposterously, the lizard uses two torpedoes to blow up one of the submarines, just because it can. Go get ‘em, giant lizard! Sadly, the lizard doesn't have time to celebrate, as the remaining two submarines get their REVENGE and kill the lizard with their remaining torpedoes.

Rest in peace, giant lizard. Rest in peace. At least this movie's over now.

Or not, as, somehow, Jean Reno and Dr. Bueller end up at Madison Square Garden because, unbelievably – yet conveniently, that's where the giant lizard's eggs are . . . and zillions of them at that. Though the French agents plant explosives on some of them, they hatch before the French agents can blow them up. Oh great . . . now there's hundreds of little sequels running around. Anyway, everyone present wisely freaks out and runs away; tragically, the lizards do have a chance to sample some French cuisine, specifically some of the hapless, nameless French agents.

Back at the base, Dr. Beth, keeping the memory of Dr. Bueller alive, convinces the Army guy to search for the giant lizard's controversial nest. Back at Madison Square Garden, Jean Reno tells Dr. Bueller to call the Army and order them to blow up the building . . . intentionally this time. Hilariously, the phones are busy – is that another commentary or something? – so Jean Reno tells Dr. Bueller to leave the building on a mission while another anonymous French guy gets eaten elsewhere.

Dr. Bueller, unable to find some stairs, takes an elevator and, in the process, fights off a few of the lizards as well. Somehow, he ends up once again with Jean Reno and then the chick and Hank Azaria, who have been tailing them the whole time, drop in from the ceiling, conveniently. With the heroes unable to contact the military and put an end to this whole fiasco, the chick comes up with a plan and the group runs through the building to the broadcast booth. Once there, the chick pretends she's Sam Rosen and sends a message to the military and then Dr. Bueller finally tells the Army to blow up Madison Square Garden. The Army guy, being sensible and efficient, orders an airstrike and then the chick and Dr. Bueller reconcile while learning that they have only six minutes to get out of the building. Wow . . . it's just like a video game or something. Perhaps too much like a video game; more on that later.

The quartet of heroes tries to escape from Madison Square Garden while being chased by a horde of lizards. Dr. Bueller, being crafty and intelligent, foils them with some gumballs – yes, gumballs, but then he and his compatriots are cornered by a throng of lizards in the Penn Station lobby. Jean Reno, being a professional badass, blasts them out of the building, just in time for the Army to show up and blow up Madison Square Garden intentionally. Yay! Movie's over!

Or not, as it seems that this was just a . . . FINAL BOSS FAKEOUT! Yes, amazingly, the reports of the giant lizard's demise were greatly exaggerated as it shows up out of nowhere and, upon surveying the carnage that was once its offspring, it wants REVENGE! Jean Reno, not willing to be eaten by a giant lizard like his compatriots, steals a taxi and the quartet drives through the abandoned streets of Manhattan with the giant lizard on their tail.

Luckily for the heroes, the Army, led by the gay guy from Melrose Place, discovers the giant lizard is still alive and then, through a convoluted series of events, they call Jean Reno's taxi to hatch a final plan. The first step of the plan is to lead the lizard to the Brooklyn Bridge, but, once there, things go awry as the giant lizard nearly eats the taxi and its passengers in one swallow! Through some quick thinking by Dr. Bueller and some preposterous driving by Jean Reno, the heroes escape the clutches of the giant lizard's maw.

Once again, the giant lizard chases the taxi, this time over the Brooklyn Bridge. Unfortunately for the giant lizard, it gets caught up in the structure's suspension cables, allowing the Army the opportunity to shoot it with missiles. This subdues the giant lizard and, for some reason, Dr. Bueller is saddened by the giant lizard's plight . . . even though he told the Army to kill its offspring not long before. The giant lizard, now a sympathetic victim of humanity's careless actions, dies on the bridge and everyone rudely celebrates its demise. Heartless bastards. Speaking of which, the mayor schemes to spin the events to his favor, which causes his assistant to quit. In the aftermath, Jean Reno absconds with Hank Azaria's tape and then he calls to thank Dr. Bueller. Meanwhile, deep inside Madison Square Garden, a possible sequel – I mean "egg" – hatches. Dum-dum-DUM!

Obviously, after a critical failure such as Godzilla, there was to be no sequel. The giant lizard of Godzilla was effectively killed off at the end of the film, only to be lampooned and defeated by the true Godzilla in the 2004 Toho film Gojira: Fainaru uôzu. Fair enough, as the filmmakers behind the U.S. version of Godzilla did ignore a long history and tradition to craft what is essentially their own personal giant lizard movie. And what a movie it is! Dull and pointless, the American blockbuster Godzilla features a monster that is neither evilly destructive nor sympathetic – until the very end; it's just a creature driven by instinct that just happens to be massive. As well, I greatly admire how everything in the film conveniently ties together; e.g. the monster goes to New York, which just happens to be where the chick lives and works, who just happens to be the ex-flame of the knowledgeable scientist, who just happens to be the only one who knows what's really going on. The plot and characters are so paint-by-numbers that the monster could've been a giant bag of potato chips and few, if any, changes would need to be made. Seriously; it's just that woeful . . . but it is a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week as we all find out what happens when two Misunderstood Masterpieces collide in a very obvious finale to the past two weeks! See you then!