Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.02.07: Vampires

Posted by Will Helm on 10.02.2007

…or, I Wonder What This Year’s Horror-Movie Mania Is About?

Guess what? It's October! And, as such, it's time for everyone's favorite time for Misunderstood Masterpieces: Horror-Movie Mania! This year, I'm doing something a little different; instead of four or five totally unrelated horror flicks, I've got a theme running through my selections for October . . . and it's guaranteed to suck! Yes, readers, this month of scary movies is all about vampires . . . and what better place than to start with a film of the same name?

Directed by legendary horror/sci-fi auteur John Carpenter – who's been featured on these pages before, 1998's Vampires combines classic vampire-flick themes with a grim and gritty sensibility, all wrapped up with the classic John Carpenter aplomb. Of course, these latter two elements were a bit necessary as, with a tradition beginning at, at least Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens and continuing to Tod Browning's Dracula, Hammer Films' (Horror of) Dracula, and even Bram Stoker's Dracula -- among other vampire films, there were few new paths left to tread in the genre. Even the concept of "vampire slayers" had been introduced in a modern setting by Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . . though that was neither grim nor gritty. So, do a grim and gritty attitude and the involvement of John Carpenter combine to make a vampire flick unlike any other . . . or just another Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

In a foreboding, dusky desert, opening credits roll while James Woods stares through binoculars at a decrepit shack. Ooh . . . I'm excited already, and even more so when James Woods and Daniel "The Fat One" Baldwin start complaining about something or other. I would've thought vampire slayers were made of sterner stuff. After the little rant session, James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, and their team of scamps and ne'er-do-wells get to work . . . which pretty much involves James Woods staring ever intently while his cronies get dressed for battle. OK, movie, it's time to begin the vampire slaying!

Or not, as James Woods and the gang – but not Kool – calmly break into the shack without incident. James Woods, being James Woods and, hence, smarter than anyone else in the movie, is apprehensive as the interior of the shack is quiet . . . too quiet. Perhaps to calm his nerves, his team does stereotypically tactical things, like moving in fits and starts and tearing open windows to let the sunshine in. Claude Bukowski would be proud . . . at least until the gang finds a quite desiccated corpse hiding in a closet. I guess that's what happens when one actually ingests the silica-gel packet. Or another losing contestant from America's Next Top Model in disguise; some of those chicks could use a sammich.

After James Woods and his associates make that grim discovery, the ragtag vampires living in the house attack! Dum-dum-DUM! While his team subdues them with little trouble, James Woods shoots them with a crossbow – which is just that much holier than a regular bow, allowing Daniel Baldwin to reel them outside with his jeep's winch. Once outside, of course, the vampires combust violently, giving Daniel Baldwin the opportunity to joke around with the team's resident chaplain. After a hard day's work of immolating vampires, James Woods is dour, mainly because the crew didn't find the "master." Whoa? They're looking for Sho'nuff? Perhaps not, though, as, after the crew leaves and the sun sets, "something" comes up out of the ground mysteriously . . . though it's certainly not the "Shogun of Harlem."

That night, at a local motel, the gang celebrates with copious amounts of booze and hookers. Ah . . . two great tastes that taste great together. Daniel Baldwin, as he is the most controversial of the Baldwin clan, especially enjoys it. Meanwhile, the team's chaplain brings the party down a bit when he questions James Woods about the absentee "master." James Woods feigns disinterest and takes his leave . . . into the arms of a random, HOT CHICK hooker (Sheryl Lee) who wants to chat. James Woods, appropriately, as he is in close proximity to a HOT CHICK hooker, just wants some nookie, so he sends her off to his room for a little private one-on-one.

As the party is getting a little wild during James Woods' absence, some angry Goth guy (Thomas Ian Griffith) walks up outside, probably to yell at the gang for interrupting his ennui with their racket. Or not, as he instead takes a detour for James Woods' room, wherein the Goth guy takes a bite out of the hapless HOT CHICK hooker. Oops. With his thirst for HOT CHICK hooker blood satiated – though hopefully he got his shots, the Goth guy busts into the part and, instead of complaining about the noise, he slaughters the crew and the innocent hookers as well. Wait . . . can hookers really be innocent? Great . . . the last thing I wanted for this column was a moral conundrum. Anyway, only James Woods and Daniel Baldwin – as they are the most famous people in the movie – survive the carnage and they exit the scene hastily, but they take time to kidnap the remarkably alive HOT CHICK hooker along the way. On the road, the Goth guy gives chase, but James Woods shoots him before Daniel Baldwin accidentally drives off the road. Sure; "accidentally." After making sure that his companions are relatively unharmed, James Woods – as it wouldn't be a James Woods movie without a conspiracy – reveals that he believes that this ambush was a vampire set-up! Dum-dum-DUM!

The next morning, James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, and the HOT CHICK hooker go for a walk during a conveniently placed slow-motion musical montage. Ooh . . . how moody! At a random gas station in the middle of the desert, Daniel Baldwin, proving why he's the black sheep of the Baldwin family, steals Frank Darabont's car and drives his associates back to the motel with it. Once there, James Woods orders Daniel Baldwin to hole up with the HOT CHICK hooker in a random hotel – which sounds like the setup for a wacky comedy – while James Woods cleans up the scene of the massacre. After Daniel Baldwin argues for a bit and then leaves, James Woods stakes and beheads the corpses in the room and then he takes the time to burn down the ENTIRE motel – isn't that overkill? – before burying the heads in a shallow grave. At the very least he could've whistled "Taps" while doing it for a little decorum.

At the hotel, Daniel Baldwin and the HOT CHICK hooker get a room together – and, remarkably, the bellhop is unfazed – and, once there, Daniel Baldwin watches a news story about the aftermath of the motel assault. So now they're vampire hunters on the wrong side of the law? Perhaps not, as James Woods takes a detour to a monastery while, that evening, the Goth guy hitches a ride on top of a tractor trailer. I don't know if C.W. McCall would approve of that behavior. Later, at the monastery, James Woods meets with a sleazy cardinal (Maximilian Schell) and his nerdy priest lackey (Tim Guinee). According to the sleazy cardinal, James Woods' European colleagues are dead and the Goth guy is responsible for their demise. Speaking of the Goth guy, he also happens to be a Bohemian heretic who, somehow, turned into the first vampire ever. James Woods, now out for REVENGE against the original vampire (so would he be "O.V." in the ‘hood?), storms from the room, but the sleazy cardinal presses for patience. The nerdy priest lackey, however, is sympathetic of James Woods' plight.

In the hotel room, Daniel Baldwin, disturbingly, has the HOT CHICK hooker tied up and naked on the bed. Or, as he would probably call it, "Thursday." Perhaps proving my point, Daniel Baldwin violently interrogates the HOT CHICK hooker and, after she becomes supplicant, he provides exposition. Apparently, due to being bitten by the Goth guy, she has some sort of telepathic Goth-guy radar in her subconscious, which is pretty useful in his line of work. Meanwhile, James Woods and the nerdy priest hit the road together and, along the way, the nerdy priest chats about James Woods' mysterious background. Supposedly, James Woods was raised by the church as a vampire slayer because his parents were killed by the bloodsuckers . . . or something like that. James Woods, perhaps disquieted by the priest's intimate knowledge, freaks out and turns the tables by interrogating the priest about the conspiracy he believes is afoot. All that he learns, much to his chagrin, is that the vampires may very well be searching for a superweapon. Ooh . . . I wonder if they're building a Death Star?

Elsewhere, the Goth guy hangs out outside a small-town church and, as proof of concept, the HOT CHICK hooker's Goth-guy radar picks him up. Daniel Baldwin, happy that his little theory has been proven, celebrates by sharing a smoke and exposition with the HOT CHICK hooker. In addition, just to show that he's not a burly brute all the time, he gets "sensitive" with the HOT CHICK hooker . . . until the radar kicks in again. According to the HOT CHICK hooker, the Goth guy is busy killing an old lady and doing something to a priest. Maybe the Goth guy's just angry because he was molested as a child. Somehow, this leads to the HOT CHICK hooker asking for her clothes back and Daniel Baldwin, newly "sensitive," obliges, which of course leads to the HOT CHICK hooker trying to kill herself by jumping from the side of the hotel. Daniel Baldwin, "sensitively," rescues the HOT CHICK hooker from the precarious precipice and she thanks him by biting him on the arm! Ooh . . . he's got cooties now! Daniel Baldwin, rocked out of his "sensitivity," knocks out the HOT CHICK hooker and takes a conveniently coincidental call from James Woods.

In the aftermath, James Woods and the nerdy priest show up to survey the damage. Perhaps because Daniel Baldwin could kick his ass, James Woods argues with the nerdy priest again and punches him a few times. Meanwhile, in the desert, the Goth guy questions a priest . . . and the HOT CHICK hooker's Goth-guy radar is there as well! The Goth guy, learning whatever he needed to know, unceremoniously kills the priest, much to the HOT CHICK hooker's horror. The next day, James Woods and the nerdy priest investigate the little church and the murder in the desert and, all the while, James Woods vents to the nerdy priest about something or other. The nerdy priest, still being sympathetic, helps out the best he can . . . mainly through the awesome power of his nerdiness.

That evening, the Goth guy and some cronies pop out of the ground because they're just so emo. The hooker's radar is onto them, though, and her mind's eye watches as the septet attacks a monastery. Meanwhile, in the hotel room's lavatory, James Woods interrogates and tortures the nerdy priest because he wants to know what's REALLY going on. Oh, and he wants REVENGE for his parents as well. The nerdy priest, remarkably, weathers the pain but James Woods' pulling at his heartstrings causes him to spill all the secrets he knows about the Goth guy . . . specifically that his vampirism is the product of a botched exorcism. Yes, the Catholic Church accidentally created vampires! There IS a conspiracy afoot! To that end, while his associates slaughter the monks, the Goth guy finds a magic crucifix that will make him even more powerful and, more importantly, able to walk in the daylight. Dum-dum-DUM!

Is it just me, or does this all seem like the plot of a Castlevania game?

James Woods, emboldened by the knowledge that he was right about the conspiracy and that the Goth guy is now in possession of his superweapon, goes to work with his remaining associates . . . and the HOT CHICK hooker. With the aforementioned hooker leading the way, James Woods and his partners search the wrecked monastery and, after, for no reason other than the fact that Daniel Baldwin is now connected to the HOT CHICK hooker, he and James Woods argue over her presence. The nerdy priest, remarkably, intervenes and keeps the peace, perhaps proving himself to James Woods in the process. Or it's just because he's got the Goth guy's plan figured out and it involves reversing the exorcism and making himself whole. Ah, there's nothing like yet more exposition for what's pretty much plainly obvious.

Somehow, the crew ends up in a ghost town where the HOT CHICK hooker's Goth-guy radar pinpoints the Goth guy's hiding place. James Woods, wisely, fears a trap, but he, Daniel Baldwin, and the nerdy priest go in anyway. Inside the town's jail – which is the Goth guy's true location, the nerdy priest stakes a vampire and then James Woods fries one as well. After clearing the first level like a video game – see! I said so, the nerdy priest volunteers to act as vampire bait to lure more from below the building and into the sun. To that end, James Woods watches security cameras while the nerdy priest rides an elevator to the lower levels . . . and he brings one vampire up with him. After the nerdy priest fights him off and Daniel Baldwin nukes him, a Goth chick vampire shows up and is quickly sun-dried by James Woods. People pay good money for sun-dried vampires. Or tomatoes. I forget which.

With a few vampires defeated, the crew elects to pack it in as the sun sets. Unfortunately, they should've quit a little bit earlier as, before they can leave the unfriendly confines of the town, the Goth gang and a vampire army show up! Dum-dum-DUM! The Goth guy, perhaps still ticked off that James Woods shot him a few days ago, fights with his rival while, a little up the road, the HOT CHICK hooker vamps out and munches on Daniel Baldwin. Mmm . . . tastes like Kentucky sour mash. Back in town, the Goth gang has James Woods subdued and tied up – and the nerdy priest hiding for his life – and then the sleazy cardinal arrives out of nowhere to reveal that he sold out to the Goth guy because he's afraid of dying! Whoa! James Woods was right about the conspiracy more than he knew; remind me never, ever to bet against James Woods. Which makes sense because he is a semi-professional poker player, after all.

James Woods, ever the rebel, taunts the Goth guy, but he's quickly dispirited when a vamped-out HOT CHICK hooker shows up covered in Daniel Baldwin's blood. I'm surprised he couldn't smell the alcohol before he saw her. James Woods needn't worry, however, as Daniel Baldwin, up the road a little bit, is remarkably alive . . . and really ticked off. The Goth guy, living out his emo fantasies, has James Woods crucified and the sleazy cardinal, in the midst of a mysterious ritual, collects James Woods' blood. Before the sleazy cardinal can continue the ceremony, the nerdy priest pops up out of nowhere and blasts him with a shotgun. Nerd rage! Nerd rage! I bet he was a nice boy in high school; an honor student, even.

Before the enraged Goth guy can exact his REVENGE on the nerdy priest and/or James Woods, Daniel Baldwin drives in to bust up the party and rescue James Woods from the cross bearing him. Moments later, and as if it were planned that way, the sun comes up and all the Goths freak out and run for cover. Oh no! Their eyeliner is going to run! James Woods, now REALLY out for REVENGE, grabs the magic cross and corners the Goth guy inside a nearby barn. After a brief match of wits, James Woods ironically impales the Goth guy with the magic cross and then, while the Goth guy panics, James Woods brings the house down and the sun fries the Goth guy. Maybe he should've used some sunscreen or something. With the Goth guy defeated, it's time for a denouement, where Daniel Baldwin and the HOT CHICK vampire bond and, with James Woods' surprising assent, drive off to Mexico together to make a happy vampire family. That leaves James Woods with only the nerdy priest . . . and the start of a beautiful friendship.

When all is said and done, I can't really say that Vampires is an actively bad movie. Though it does feel rushed and lacking of any real tension – like a stereotypical action flick, Vampires' most glaring problems perhaps arise from the rumor that the budget was slashed dramatically on the film during production. That would make sense as, honestly, it feels like there's a lot missing from the finished film. However, I certainly, in good conscience, can't say that Vampires is a good vampire movie. In fact, I'd be hard pressed to call Vampires a vampire movie at all. An action movie with vampires in the title that just happens to have vampires in it? Sure. But, unlike many vampire movies, it seems as though Vampires could merely replace the bloodsuckers in the film with any other creature with the same effect . . . and just change the title appropriately. Honestly, the lack of the tenor of a vampire movie hurts Vampires in my eyes . . . but it does make it a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as Horror-Movie Mania 2007 keeps on sucking with a little help from an acerbic Saturday Night Live alumnus. See you then!