Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.09.07: Tales from the Crypt - Bordello of Blood
Posted by Will Helm on 10.09.2007
or, Harriet Tubman Squeez Cheez, Babe
Don't worry; the strange teaser will make sense soon enough.
Way back in 1947, William Gaines inherited the comic-book imprint "Educational Comics" from his father, Max Gaines. Moving away from his father's Biblical content, William Gaines introduced horror, suspense, and science fiction to the comic-book genre in the formation of what would become "EC Comics." Now legendary, EC Comics introduced, among other books, the lauded titles Vault of Horror, Haunt of Fear, and Tales from the Crypt. Noted for their mature content and often ironic and violent comeuppances, these books are regarded, even today, as three of the most important in comic-book history. Unfortunately, adding to their remarkable legacy, the bulk of EC's comics and, most significantly, their horror titles were effectively neutered by the adoption of the Comics Code, leaving only Mad Magazine as the last vestige of this once-great company.
Decades later, a bevy of filmmakers Richard Donner, Robert Zemeckis, and Joel Silver, among others gathered together to resurrect the Tales from the Crypt banner as a cable-television program, due to the lack of strictures on content therein. Tales from the Crypt debuted on HBO in 1989 and, during a very successful seven-year run, adapted many of the stories from the three EC Comics horror titles among others into live-action episodes. In the later years of Tales from the Crypt's broadcast life, a trilogy of related films was commissioned for release. Though incomplete due to box-office apathy, this fractured trilogy was made up of 1995's Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight and 1996's Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood (and, technically, 2006's direct-to-DVD Tales from the Crypt Presents: Ritual). Even though Demon Knight features the awesomeness that is Billy Zane and Ritual stars Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Famer Tim Curry, neither film features the theme for Horror-Movie Mania 2007: vampires . . . except for Bordello of Blood, which very well may be this week's Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
In the Land of Fire -- Tierra del Fuego for Spanish speakers and Dan Patrick fans, gauchos ride horses while accompanied by a grizzled midget version of Indiana Jones (Phil Fondacaro). In the middle of the jungle which is pretty remarkable as Tierra del Fuego is a subpolar climate, the explorers find ominous skeletons rotting in trees. Luckily for them, Ind. Jones see? Abbreviated! Ha! has a map, though his associates are wary nonetheless. Although if one of them says "I geeve you the wheep, you geeve me the idol," I'm shutting off the movie. Strangely, instead of voicing their concerns, the gaucho henchmen instead provide helpful exposition to Ind. Jones.
At the appropriate spot as denoted by the helpful map, the party stops and digs for a legendary cavern. Oddly, instead of the treasure promised to the main gaucho, Ind. Jones and his crew merely find a bunch of giant spiders 23 hit points and a very decayed dead guy. Or, actually, according to Ind. Jones, a dead chick; well, they all look pretty much the same at that point. The gauchos, feeling hornswoggled, aren't particularly happy with this development, but, strangely, Ind. Jones is, because he has the dead chick's heart in a box and he, unsurprisingly, inserts it into the corpse. Remarkably, rather than just sit there, the heart begins beating and then, after a few moments, the corpse reanimates . . . and she's hungry. Well, that's to be expected after a few centuries. As Ind. Jones possesses the reanimated chick's remote control, he has her eat the gauchos.
Strangely, the scene cuts to a mummy (awesome character actor William Sadler) recounting the preceding story to the Cryptkeeper (John Kassir) in an undead bar. The Cryptkeeper, not hip to the Hollywood lifestyle, is bored by the proceedings, so the mummy elects to spice things up with a little wager. Somehow, this leads to the Cryptkeeper REALLY losing a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" . . . and his hand in the process. The Cryptkeeper, perhaps a sore loser of limbs, has to console himself by introducing the movie proper . . . even though I thought it started fifteen minutes ago. How meta. Just like The Hills.
At a nondescript suburban home, some HOT CHICK (Playboy Playmate and Baywatch babe Erika Eleniak) works out while listening to the dulcet tones of a televangelist. Eh . . . whatever motivation works, babe. In another room of the house, some rocker dude smokes up and then attempts to pierce his own tongue . . . and the rocker dude just happens to be co-star of The Lost Boys, Corey Feldman! And here I was hoping for Alex Winter. Dang. Anyway, as his "devil music" is far too loud, his uppity sister HOT CHICK Feldman? knocks on his door to complain; he responds to her entreaties with nothing but disdain and ennui, because he's just so emo. Or whatever the 1996 equivalent of "emo" is.
Later, at a bar, Corey Feldman throws darts at a buddy's testicles and then he hits on the matronly waitress. If ever there was more glaring evidence to "Just Say No" to drugs, this might be it. Then again, this could also be the inspiration for Jackass, so it might be a wash. For some reason, some crazy Southern-rock guy shows up and pitches a local HOT CHICK hangout to Corey Feldman and his buds. Though two of the guys stay behind, Corey Feldman and his buddy with the punctured scrotum elect to follow the crazy Southern-rock guy's directions . . . to a decrepit funeral home. Oh, I guess necrophilia is so 1996 emo as well.
At the door to the funeral home, some old guy (Aubrey Morris) lets in the two youths and then, after telling them that a coffin will take them to the HOT CHICKS through the crematorium oven, he pulls a gun on them to convince them further. Corey Feldman and his friend Perforated Balls get into the coffin for the ride of their lives, mainly because the promise of HOT CHICKS makes men do crazy things. On the other side of the wall, Corey Feldman and Emasculated Nincompoop find themselves face-to-face with topless HOT CHICK hookers. While Corey Feldman gawks uncontrollably, Captain Vasectomy wanders off with one of the hookers, but, before they can get to business, a HOT CHICK redhead named Lilith (Angie Everhart) interjects herself and slips the guy a very long tongue . . . and uses it to forcibly remove his heart. Elsewhere, Corey Feldman hooks up with another HOT CHICK hooker and, like his friend, he gets some unwanted redhead action as well.
Days after, HOT CHICK Feldman pesters the cops about Corey Feldman's whereabouts. With the hapless deputy (Eric Keenleyside) swamped with missing-persons reports, he tells HOT CHICK Feldman to simmer down and wait her turn. Luckily or, perhaps, unluckily, private investigator Rafe Guttman (obscure-reference master Dennis Miller) overhears HOT CHICK Feldman's sad plight and offers his services while, apparently, stalking her. Remarkably, Rafe and HOT CHICK Feldman end up in his office which, remarkably, isn't filled with "AuH2O" buttons in an abandoned theater. Rafe, ever the overly witty film-noir stereotype, questions HOT CHICK Feldman about her brother while staring at her gams. For some reason, he blames déjà vu for his sexual harassment . . . though I don't think that would hold up in a court of law. Before Rafe can technically agree to take the case, he argues with his wife on the phone, but, sadly, the conversation has nothing to do with the moral implications of Beckett's Waiting for Godot.
Rafe, empowered by the awesomeness of HOT CHICK Feldman's shapely stems, goes on the job and, first, he hangs out with Corey Feldman's surviving buddies in the bar. Much to Rafe's chagrin, the buddies aren't particularly good at exposition or pool . . . until one of them, in an apparent narcotic stupor, spills the beans as to where Corey Feldman and Holey Testes might be. Rafe's next stop is the decrepit funeral home, where the old guy is busy giving a eulogy and, among the mourners, the crazy Southern-rock guy mutters and applies high-SPF sunscreen. Oh the hilarity!
Elsewhere, in his great glass hall, Reverend "J.C." Current (Fright Night's Chris Sarandon . . . and now I'm sensing more than one vampire theme going on) gives an impassioned sermon and, through the help of a convenient pan, it's revealed that HOT CHICK Feldman is one of his underlings. After his speech, J.C. rocks out for Jesus and, apparently, Fender is the official guitar maker of Christianity; Gibsons are the work of the DEVIL! while Rafe waits in the periphery and, strangely, Ind. Jones reveals himself to be in J.C.'s employ as well. Dum-dum-DUM? After the service, Rafe meets with J.C. and, almost immediately, he lets loose with a Krypton reference as an analogy for the massive crystal structure. Oh, how wonderfully obscure! Rafe explains what he's learned to HOT CHICK Feldman and she pays him for a job well done . . . well, half-done, at least.
That evening, Rafe complains to a bartender about his attraction to HOT CHICK Feldman and, perhaps sensing Rafe's frustration, the crazy Southern-rock guy pipes up about the brothel once more . . . though it's just the same pitch he used earlier. Meanwhile, at the funeral home, the old guy molests dead bodies before cutting them open . . . for no reason in particular. Before the old guy can continue doing incongruous things to the corpses in his care, Rafe interrupts at the door and the old guy, perhaps with his sexual ire bubbling up, turns him away. Rafe, not content to be thwarted in his quest for HOT CHICKS, breaks into the funeral home easily and he overhears Lilith giving a young HOT CHICK an interview. Rafe thinks nothing of it, as it's not as important as reciting Marlowe's Tamburlaine in his head, until he spies Lilith while wandering around the house. After evading Lilith, Rafe finds an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT in the morgue: Corey Feldman's nose ring!
Back at J.C.'s office complex, Rafe interrupts a conversation between the reverend and HOT CHICK Feldman, drawing J.C.'s anger. Rafe is unconcerned, however, as he has the intriguing IMPORTANT PLOT POINT for HOT CHICK Feldman and, with more evidence on her brother's disappearance, she rehires Rafe. Rafe's first step: "staking out" the funeral home . . . no pun intended. To that end, Rafe returns to the funeral home that evening and, with a little unintentional help from the crazy Southern-rock guy, he finally gets into the back room. Unsurprisingly, once there he makes a witty Larry Flynt reference, as per his particular idiom. The old guy, concerned about Rafe's presence, notifies Lilith . . . who kills the crazy Southern-rock guy instead.
Down in the bowels of the funeral home, Rafe meets with a HOT CHICK dominatrix . . . who also happens to be the interviewee from earlier in the picture. Perhaps fearful of the dominatrix's intimidating demeanor, Rafe defuses the situation with his usual complement of obscure witticisms, which I suppose I have to add to the official list of vampire wards, alongside crosses and garlic. With the dominatrix subdued by the awesome power of high-brow humor, Rafe ties her to a rack and then he escapes the scene . . . accidentally leaving behind his wallet in the process! Dum-dum-DUM! Before he leaves, however, he takes time to find the dead crazy Southern-rock guy, revealing that there's more going on in the funeral home than just a very opulent bordello.
Back at his office, Rafe grabs his revolver and a bottle of Jack: two great tastes that taste great together. Lilith, with Rafe's wallet in hand and a taste for his blood on her tongue, shows up for a little visit and to trade pointed barbs. It's like they're made for each other. Rafe pulls his gun on her, but, as she is a HOT CHICK and a vampire, Lilith tries to disarm Rafe with her feminine wiles and psychic powers. Unfortunately, she isn't necessarily successful in winning over Rafe as, before Lilith can get down to business, HOT CHICK Feldman disturbs the two amorous lovebirds.
Rafe, now witness to even more incriminating evidence, goes to the cops with HOT CHICK Feldman, but, rather than investigate the case, the hapless deputy patronizes Rafe and hassles him about a revoked investigating license. Then the deputy, believing he has the upper hand, tries to be funny, but Rafe reasserts his power by beating the deputy down . . . with more obscure references. Harriet Tubman Squeez Cheez, indeed. HOT CHICK Feldman, discontent to be trapped in the midst of an obscure reference contest, fires Rafe and condemns him for being a heathen or something equally stereotypical.
Elsewhere, Lilith and Ind. Jones scheme together as, it turns out, she isn't happy with J.C.'s possession of the remote control. Apparently, the brothel isn't just a haven for HOT CHICK vampires, it's also a righteous crusade by J.C. to cleanse the area of immoral activity . . . with extreme prejudice. In addition to Lilith's desire for a bit of "artistic freedom," Ind. Jones wants a cut of the action as J.C. has a racket selling stolen cars to charity. Speaking of J.C., he's busy rocking out in his transparent headquarters while shooting at the devil with a laser. Don't worry; it's not a non sequitur . . . it's just a metaphor and, probably, foreshadowing. After testing the laser system, J.C. chats with HOT CHICK Feldman, who proposes making a documentary about lustful pastimes and J.C., totally innocently yet ironically, gives his blessing.
In search of evidence . . . and Leonard Nimoy, Rafe visits a cemetery. Elsewhere, Ind. Jones steals J.C.'s remote control and this leads to, strangely, J.C. going to a strip club where panties miraculously appear on the dancers. Seriously; one minute one dancer is wet and fully nude, the next minute she's wearing panties. Maybe it's sad that I actually want some continuity with my gratuitous nudity now. Anyway, J.C. tracks down Lilith and Ind. Jones in the club and he and Lilith argue about motives and something or other. Before J.C. and Lilith can come to some sort of peaceful resolution, HOT CHICK Feldman busts into the club with a camera crew and forcibly interviews patrons and Lilith, forcing J.C. and Lilith to move their conversation elsewhere. Meanwhile, in the cemetery, Rafe digs up some more incriminating evidence in a mausoleum, where the crazy Southern-rock guy is interred with another body. At the club, Lilith threatens J.C. and, somehow, this leads to Ind. Jones turning on J.C. and smashing the remote control, granting Lilith her freedom. Lilith's first step: REVENGE!
With his incriminating photographs in hand, Rafe visits HOT CHICK Feldman and she discovers, much to his amazement, that they're photographs of nothing. When will people in movies remember that vampires can't be photographed? Of course, HOT CHICK Feldman discerns this tradition when, as she's reviewing her footage, she finds Lilith to be missing on film! Dum-dum-DUM! HOT CHICK Feldman finally forgives Rafe and he responds by making a strange X-Files reference. I guess that means they're in love or something . . . or that he just thinks they're actually fighting vampires. Remarkably, HOT CHICK Feldman becomes instantaneously open-minded but Rafe is professional enough to avoid making a move . . . though it may also be because Corey Feldman, who's remarkably alive, chooses that moment to give her a phone call.
As per Corey Feldman's instructions, Rafe and HOT CHICK Feldman go to a steamy, sultry power plant and, in another metafiction moment, Rafe makes a Tales from the Crypt reference. Or would that be a Tales from the Crypt reference? I wish I knew whether he were referring to the comic or the series; this damned movie needs annotation! Rafe, wisely, wants to leave, but, before he can enact that plan, he and HOT CHICK Feldman find Corey Feldman . . . and he's unfortunately vamped out! It's too bad Corey Haim wasn't there to protect him. In the ensuing tumult, Rafe falls out a window and onto the deputy's squad car which just happened to be under said window at that very moment while trying to escape, leaving HOT CHICK Feldman behind to be captured by the old guy.
Rather than listen to Rafe's perfectly logical story about a vampire brothel on the outskirts of town, the deputy locks Rafe in a mental ward and then he's killed by the vampire dominatrix masquerading as a nurse! Those vampires sure do know a lot about masquerades, don't they? Remarkably, Rafe escapes his bonds before the vampire dominatrix can move on to him and then he blows her up with a bit of sunlight, much to Whoopi Goldberg's chagrin. No, seriously. Meanwhile, in the bowels of the funeral home, Corey Feldman mocks his sister and then Lilith puts the moves on her, just because nothing says "vampire movies" like homoerotic overtones.
Before Lilith can get a taste of HOT CHICK Feldman, J.C. shows up at the door to the funeral home because he desires an alliance with Lilith . . . who is rather busy fondling HOT CHICK Feldman. While J.C. chats with the old guy, Rafe shows up to make the funeral home an impromptu drive-in, killing the old guy and Ind. Jones in the process. Rafe, compelled by the power of a holy watergun, teams up with J.C. and, in the brothel, they hose down the hookers, leaving nothing but flaming vampire HOT CHICKS and viscera in their wake. J.C. goes off to look for HOT CHICK Feldman while Rafe faces off with vamped out Corey Feldman and, after a brief struggle, Rafe blows . . . a hole through Corey Feldman's chest. Before J.C. can release HOT CHICK Feldman from the rack, Lilith busts in and kills J.C. Rafe butts in, subdues Lilith, and rescues HOT CHICK Feldman; sadly, J.C. is dead . . . and so is God. Nietzsche would be proud.
Due to J.C.'s pre-mortem urging, Rafe and HOT CHICK Feldman head over to J.C.'s windowed studio and HOT CHICK Feldman prepares an emergency broadcast. Before HOT CHICK Feldman has a chance to let the congregation know what's going on, Lilith arrives on the scene to trap Rafe and get a little piece of HOT CHICK Feldman. On the floor, Lilith and HOT CHICK Feldman have a lopsided catfight while Rafe activates and shoots the foreshadowing I mean "laser" at Lilith's chest, splitting her heart in four pieces. Much to Rafe's amazement, that does nothing but tick off Lilith, as the heart must be removed from her person as well. Before Lilith can exact her REVENGE on Rafe, HOT CHICK Feldman finishes the job Rafe started with the help of a spear or candelabra or something else sharp and pointy lying around. In the aftermath, Rafe and HOT CHICK Feldman bond with witticisms and then, while Rafe is busy fondling HOT CHICK Feldman in a car, she vamps out on him. Hey . . . wait a second; I always thought when the master vampire was killed, all succeeding vampire-spawn returned back to normal. So now HOT CHICK Feldman is the master vampire? Sadly, the Cryptkeeper, back on the scene, does little to explain this discrepancy, instead mocking the mummy . . . who is now merely just a head. Gee, thanks, Cryptkeeper.
Just as with last week, Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood isn't really that bad; it's entertaining and totally disposable . . . though it does suffer from one fatal flaw: it takes FOREVER to get going. Like more than a few movies before it, Bordello of Blood wastes too much time with insignificant plot contrivances and character moments and, by the time the climax comes to pass, there isn't enough time to make it appropriately satisfying. The shootout in the brothel is far too short to be exciting and Rafe's showdown with Corey Feldman is extremely short-lived and anticlimactic. Though Bordello of Blood is one part comedy and one part horror film, I feel it does still require an ending with a bang and not with a whimper, which is what it has now. Though flawed-yet-entertaining, I can still say that Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood is surely a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as Horror-Movie Mania 2007 continues with a J.C. of a somewhat similar sort. See you then!
