The October Zombie-Thon! - Day 16: The Wickeds
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.16.2007
Well, it stars Ron Jeremy...how good do YOU think it is?
THE WICKEDS (2005)
Directed by: John Poague
Written by: David Zagorski
Country: USA
Let's face it, there is (literally) one very big reason Ron Jeremy became famous, and it sure as hell ain't his acting.
Yet, despite this, filmmakers looking to grab some quick attention and hokey camp value continue to cast Jeremy in their mainstream (or at least non-porn) films. Now, that's all well and good when it's just a goofy little cameo, like in Orgazmo or Boondock Saints. But whenever Jeremy is expected to actually carry a lead role, well, that's when we start to have a problem.
Apparently, this info was never shared with the filmmakers behind the woeful straight-to-video The Wickeds - it must have gotten lost along with the memo entitled "comedies must actually have funny jokes." And so we have Jeremy starring as Gus, one half of a bumbling grave-robbing duo who inadvertently unleashes a zombie invasion. With no naked women around to screw (and more of that "no naked women" thing a little later), Jeremy is absolutely at a loss as to how to act from scene-to-scene. Worried? Confused? Irritated? Scared shitless? With master thespian Ron Jeremy, it's all pretty much one and the same.
Now, granted, The Wickeds obviously wants nothing more than to be just another cheesy little horror movie, so I don't suppose it's fair to expect Jeremy to really go for it here, nor do I even believe the filmmakers gave a damn if he did anyway. But then, am I suggesting that Jeremy's acting ability is the only problem with this flick? Don't make me laugh.
Actually, on second thought, make me laugh. I could use it after sitting through this one, since the movie itself sure wasn't getting the job done. I mean, I assume the film is supposed to be a comedy, judging by its slightly irreverent tone and pointless inside jokes (according to IMDB, all the male characters are named after characters from ‘90s FOX shows like 90210 and Melrose Place. Wow, that's funny, huh?). But the film makes one crucial mistake in accomplishing its "comedy" goals. Namely, it's hard to find things funny when you're pissed off – as anyone certainly will be while wasting their time sitting through this crap.
Maybe that sounds harsh, but then maybe you haven't watched The Wickeds…and good for you. For if you had, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. Anger is the only logical reaction to a film which expects you to spend 90 minutes with such unlikable, annoying characters. As a typically multi-ethnic group of teenagers spending Halloween at a supposedly haunted house – where, of course, Gus and his partner end up leading the murderous zombies – the film's main actors spend almost the entire film hysterically screaming about everything. It doesn't help matters any that the audio quality is already pretty terrible – add on these jackasses screaming every line for no good reason, and you end up with a flick that sounds like it's starring the adult characters from old Peanuts specials.
Then again, on a slightly more positive note – if The Wickeds was meant to be viewed as a pro-zombie movie, I can only admit it succeeds admirably, because I know I couldn't wait for all of these characters to be torn apart roughly 30 seconds after their introductions.
Then again, can a movie even be considered pro-zombie, if it doesn't seem exactly sure of what a zombie is? After all, the zombie invasion here is actually started by a fanged ghoul dressed like a second-rate Dracula impersonator. He looks like a vampire, acts like a vampire – I'd be 100% convinced he was supposed to be a vampire if not for the fact that the entire movie takes place in the daytime (wait a sec…reverse vampires!! Somebody call Milhouse!).
In that regard, I suppose I could give the movie a little shred of credit – it is one of the few zombie films I've seen that takes place entirely in the light of day. But this probably has more to do with the production's inability to afford night shooting than it does any artistic decision. Still, it does allow one of our "heroes" to speculate that if they wait long enough, the sun will destroy the creatures they're desperately trying to fend off. Hey, genius, they've been out in the sun all day.
How much more do I need to say about this one? Should I really get into the overly-complex story, which gives us an unrelated haunted house and an ancient cursed amulet, not to mention both zombies and kinda-vampires? Should I ask why the main baddie is able to apparently teleport himself into the house at one point, only to be foiled in a later scene by a door closed in his face? Should I warn you about the annoying nu-metal soundtrack, the terrible effects, the atrocious acting?
Or, should I just sum it up by saying this movie contains what might be the longest sex-scene I have ever witnessed in a film – and yet does so without a single shred of nudity!
That alone is probably enough to convince most of you to avoid this one, and that's really the most hopeful outcome of this review. I realize this column has been a little more all-over-the-place than usual today, but I really can't help it. The Wickeds is really just so lame and unremarkable that it's all I can do to just lash out at random memories of it, lest I try to really remember specific plot points and risk falling asleep from boredom.
If nothing else, let The Wickeds serve as a dire warning to any aspiring filmmakers thinking of making their own zombie comedy. Just because you keep making jokes about crappy B-movies, doesn't mean you're not a crappy B-movie. Oh, also, if you're pitch starts, "alright, it's gonna star Ron Jeremy"….you might just want to re-think your whole premise.
