The October Zombie-Thon! - Day 19: Swamp Zombies
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.19.2007
The Blue Meanie and Dan Severn kick zombie ass...much awesomeness ensues.
SWAMP ZOMBIES (2005)
Written & Directed by: Len Kabasinski
Country: USA
Ex-pornstar Jasmine St. Clair has done a lot of things in her life that the average person would never even contemplate. Like, say, setting the world's record for biggest gangbang, or dating ex-ECW wrestler The Blue Meanie (I leave it up to you to decide which took the more fortitude).
So it either says a lot for Swamp Zombies, or very little for St. Clair, that this 2005 opus might just be the greatest thing she's ever been involved with. Personally, I'm gonna be positive and go with the former.
And why not? After all, I had a blast with Swamp Zombies, the kind of bad movie that makes bad-movie-lovers. After days of sitting through crappy zombie movies that were simply boring and unmemorable, it's nice to be reminded just how much dumb fun you can actually have with a Z-grade turd.
Here is a film that introduces a collection of college-student classmates (who are apparently taking Stereotypes 101, since we have the requisite jock, Goth girl, stoner, hot bitch, bookworm, etc), sets them up as the main characters, and then essentially forgets all about them for the entire last act of the movie. Here is a movie where a steak knife is prominently displayed on a doctor's autopsy tray (guess they're really cutting those hospital budgets nowadays). Here is a movie where a character describes the titular swamp as…"swampy." Yes, all this and more can be yours, with just one fun-filled viewing of Swamp Zombies.
Oh, in case you're wondering, there is also a plot…although I would assume everything you needed to know about the movie could pretty much be gleaned from the title and the fact that it stars Jasmine St. Clair. Still, here goes: St. Clair plays an evil hospital administrator who, along with the equally-evil head Doctor, has been testing a new serum on corpses, hoping to revive them. Unfortunately, the experiments have yet to show any results. Boy, do you think they will by the end of the movie??
When a mandatory government inspection of the facility forces the duo to get rid of all of their current test cases, they do so by hiring a couple local mafia goons to "bury the bodies in the lake." Umm, can you really "bury" somebody in a lake? Anyway, this all just happens to occur on the same day the aforementioned students are on a field trip out in the forest. Now, I could go on and talk about how it turns out the experiment works, and the students encounter the now-soggy zombies, but you've already figured that out yourself, haven't you? I should hope so.
What you don't know is that the movie soon starts piling on the awesome, by ditching the boring-ass students and instead switching focus to two heroic, kung-fu fighting forest rangers – one of whom, a bespectacled, chubby woman, might just be the least expected martial arts warrior ever. As you might expect from this kind of movie, the resulting scenes - of our heroes using their skills to battle the undead - are hilarious. It's some of the worst kung-fu you'll ever see, which of course makes it some of the best kung-fu you'll ever see.
Even better is an odd moment when the male ranger (who looks like a low-rent Rob Van Dam) discovers an injured young man, and responds to the boy's cries of pain by kicking him in the face!! WHAT THE? The ranger caps it off by then calmly musing, "we need to get him medical attention." Of course you do…you just kicked him in the face!!
Oh, wait, it gets even better. Just in case we weren't satisfied with the high-kicking exploits of the rangers, the movie introduces a heroic hermit, played by none other than The Blue Meanie himself, Brian Heffron. And what a performance it is. Clearly no one ever bothered explaining to Heffron that movies are different than pro-wrestling; that you don't need to over-exaggerate every expression and gesture in order to make sure even the folks in the cheap seats can see. And so we are treated to a wildly mugging Heffron, treating every moment on screen as if he was auditioning for some kind of over-acting pageant.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "I don't know, Trevor, you've almost got me sold on this one. But what would really hit it over the park is if the movie had just one more washed-up, former pro-wrestling star." Well, it's your lucky day – did I mention UFC legend Dan "The Beast" Severn shows up to kick a little living dead ass? Anyone who remembers Severn's short-lived WWE stint is already fully aware of his acting "abilities." But who cares – all that really matters is that we get Severn whooping some zombie ass in a scene that somehow manages to seem slow-motion, even though I'm fairly certain it was filmed at regular speed.
Look, I'm not claiming this is high-art or anything. I haven't gone that insane; at least not yet. But, compared to monotonous stinkers like Zombiez or The Wickeds, Swamp Zombies earns some points by crossing over that delicate threshold from "just plain bad" to "so bad it's good." What's the difference? It's hard to pinpoint, but I think it has a lot to do with intent. Most of the truly wretched zombie flicks I've seen have been sunk by an apparent attitude of "well, we're making a crappy movie, so let's not even bother trying." Or, even worse, "we're making a crappy movie, so let's make a lot of jokes about being a crappy movie." Both of these approaches can be disastrous.
Swamp Zombies, on the other hand, is the sort of trash that is elevated by its earnestness. It's never trying to poke fun at itself, or never seems too aware of how bad it really is. Even as the actors constantly forget their lines and talk over each other (apparently, second takes were not an option with this production), and even as the sky shifts from bright-daylight to pitch-black night in the span of one brief fight scene, you can almost picture writer/director Len Kabasinski stepping back and thinking, "yeah, this is some good shit we're making here." And that, my friends, is what makes what could have been a miserable embarrassment into the perfect kind of movie to throw on and lovingly mock with friends. I'm not recommending you go out of your way to check out the flick, or anything. But, if you are looking for a night of MST-style fun with a lame-o movie, this one will fit the bill quite nicely.
Plus, if nothing else, at least Swamp Zombies knows how to get the most out of its cast. Whereas The Wickeds made the dreaded mistake of casting Ron Jeremy in an actual role, Swamp Zombies seems to understand that there is really one reason to ever have a pornstar in your movie. And so, yes, we are treated to a lengthy, and completely unnecessary shower scene from Ms. St. Clair. You can accuse Swamp Zombies of a lot of things, but don't ever say it doesn't know how to utilize its assets.
