I'm Not Gonna Lie: 10.21.07: No Smoke and Mirrors

Posted by Nick Wallander on 10.21.2007

Adultery. Suicide. Magic. All key ingredients to a kick ass movie – or this week’s colum.

I'm not gonna lie…



Stories you don't want to hear about from a man you don't care about.

She should have drowned. They had their opportunity to put her down once and for all and they didn't take advantage of it. What a damn shame. Sure it would have been a bold move, but the kind of move that takes balls. It is also the kind of move that could have saved their show from being a sinking ship. It comes down to this: Meredith Grey should have stayed drowned.

Yes I am starting off this week's column with a rant and yes it is about "Grey's Anatomy". Bear with me because this is something that has been in the back of my mind a few weeks now and I believe that this is the perfect forum to air my grievances

I like "Grey's Anatomy" as a show, but I absolutely loath its titular character. Loath might even be understating my disdain for Meredith. Some might say I go as far to say that I hate her. Honestly, her death would have been a blessing to the show. Then we wouldn't have to get several more seasons of hot and cold with McDreamy. If she would have stayed dead then we wouldn't have had to endure all of her "dark and twisty" pouting about while her colleagues acted like real doctors (well, the ones that don't act like teenagers).

Mer is straight up annoying and there is nothing cute or romantic about her. Money says that if Meredith was with a man outside the realm of television that she would have been slapped silly several times for all of her irrational bullshit. Did any of you catch the episode where she basically told her half sister, Lexi, to "go to hell" because of her repressed daddy issues? Yes, the same half sister that just wants to get to know Meredith, the sister she never got to grow up with. That really sounds like the behavior of a caring doctor, doesn't it? Seriously though, how can Meredith have all these underlying issues and not be in some kind of therapy? If she was any kind of doctor she would be able to identify that her own life is an utter mess. But alas, that is not the case. Meredith is not a great doctor. She's kind of a bad one.

Don't you disagree with me now. There is not one of you out there that wants that emotional time bomb operating on you at any given time. She'd probably snip your aorta because McDreamy didn't look at her the right way. And after that she would run off to tell Christina about it rather than stay to fix the problem. Then when the whole thing is said and done she will throw herself at McDreamy in the supply closet where they will have sex and pretty much desterilize every damn thing in that room.

Seriously. Some of you are probably advocating to keep Meredith around just because the show is named after her character. FALSE! It is called "GREY's Anatomy" which means that Meredith could get torn apart by a pack of baboons and the show would still be safe. Yes it is possible for the show to go on with Meredith. They can focus the show on the much more rational, logical, and attractive Grey, Lexi. It is almost a fool proof method to get rid of the most annoying character on television. Thoughts?

End Rant.

Sorry about that, but I just needed to vent. Sometimes you have to do that, even if it involves the use of a firearm. Just kidding. Everyone knows that a baseball bat is a classier way to go.

How are you all doing this week? I am pretty good myself. There is a heavy line-up in store for you this week as we have two big Hollywood Diva stories, a sex scandal, and several emails to top it all off. An introduction does these stories no justice. The best I can do right now is to tell you to sit back and enjoy the show.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 15

You said it! Now you better follow through…

A heavy rumor on about Britney Spears has been swirling about the internet this week. Please take into consideration that this is a blatant rumor. I can't verify any more fact in it than you can, but it sure is fun to speculate. The word is that Britney was on the phone with K-Fed while driving around Los Angeles when they got into some kind of argument, which is nothing new. As the conversation escalated Britney had to find a way to get the upper hand, so her solution was to yell, "I'm going to drive off the cliff! It's going to be your fault that I killed myself."

If I am K-Fed at that point I am telling her, "Don't look down. The kids love you. Bye" (click).

Apparently the judge working on their custody case isn't too thrilled about this. I can't imagine that he would be. But hell, we all know that the kids are better off growing up with their mother. Their emotional and intellectual development would be hampered if they didn't have a healthy upbringing with their mother. Oh, who am I kidding? This is good news for K-Fed and those kids. If she keeps up at this pace there will be a restraining order in no time at all.

Update: On Friday Brittney ran over the foot of a paparazzi member. Want to see this go down?



Bitch might be crazy, but what the hell else was she supposed to do in this case? Those dumbasses should have got out of the damn way. Brittney is willing to drive herself off a damn cliff, so she sure as hell has no regard for the life of some greasy paparazzi tool.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16

That's a pretty big waste of money…

Earlier this week, the St. Petersburg Times posted a story about a Florida woman named Devon Pierce who was on a quest to collect and spend thousands of dollars toward keeping actress Jorja Fox on the CBS show "CSI". Pierce takes the money and coordinates little stunts aimed at the executives at CBS and the producers of "CSI". These stunts have included a plane pulling a banner and one in which fans sent in dollar bills along with some pro-Jorja propaganda. That is a stunt of which I can only assume gave a few executives a chuckle before they wiped their ass with the dollar.

If that wasn't crazy enough, Pierce was going to coordinate a marching band for some musical shenanigans in front of the CBS offices. Well, I am nearly speechless by this woman's dedication to her favorite actress. However, I can't help but be a little creeped out by this dedication at the same time. One has to wonder if Devon Pierce has a shrine to Jorja Fox located in a secret room in her basement that happens to be riddled with dolls made of Jorja's hair and items once touched by the actress. You can almost feel that Pierce's efforts will really make a difference…

..or not. Jorja Fox has quit "CSI", according to what she told Entertainment Weekly earlier this week. She is doing what any other overpaid television actress does when the time is right. She is exploring other opportunities which really means that she thinks she can make it in the movie business. Little miss Jorja will probably get a short run of B level straight to DVD suspense thrillers before she has to resort to make-up commercials and some crappy sitcom on FOX. Normally I wouldn't care about any of this story, but I know many of you are fans of "CSI", so I felt compelled to share it with you. Also, it helps that she is kind of attractive for a 39 year old woman. Maybe it is just me being in my older-women-are-hot phase, but you honestly have to agree with me that she is, pun intended, quite a fox.

Ms. Fox will make her final appearance as Sara Sidle on "CSI" sometime next month. Start preparing your eulogies now because her character is so totally getting axed. Any specific types of death that you would like to see?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17

Our weekly check-in with our favorite little train-wreck…

You didn't think that I would seriously forget about Lindsay and her Lohanigans, did you? This week's stuff on her is pretty good, and I think it is mostly substance free. Reports are flaring up over the net like hemorrhoids since Lohan was spotted about town wearing a ring on her wedding finger. The ring was reportedly given to her by her rehab sex buddy and new boyfriend Riley Giles.

Before I go any further I have to go ahead and question if Riley Giles is the guy's real name. To be honest it looks like some super fan of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" wanted to create a cool alias for their skateboarding persona by combining the names of two characters from the show. Yeah I know I am a total geek for making such a connection in my little head, but it's my column and I can spout off just about anything that comes to mind. Mmmm, cupcakes. See?

The real fun part about this new couple is that Giles was reportedly in a serious engagement at the time with a woman named Bree Tierney. Even funnier is that Tierney had to find out from the tabloids that her man had found another woman. Some of you might recall that several weeks back a woman by the name of Stephanie Allen accused Lohan of ruining her marriage by sleeping with her musician husband, Tony Allen, while at rehab. Yes, this is the same rehab facility where Lohan met Giles. It is now clear that someone spent more time "cohabitating" than rehabilitating at the Cirque Lodge.

What did we all learn from this? If you answered "an important lesson" you would be correct. We did in fact learn an important key to Lindsay Lohan's heart: You need to be seemingly taken by another person. This really shatters my hopes and dreams of someday being with my little LiLo because it means that I have to go through the trouble of finding someone else first. Shucks!

How long before Lindsay blatantly just storms into a wedding ceremony and jumps the bones of the groom? It seems like the next natural step in her progression as a home wrecker.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18

Holy Underwear, Batman!

A Portuguese cinema scoop website named Omelete broke a very interesting story about next summer's Batman movie "The Dark Knight". They are reporting that Warner Brothers plans to attach a seven minute prologue to screenings of the Will Smith movie "I Am Legend". The focus of this prologue? Well, my friends, that would be none other than the Joker.

Say what you want, but this is exciting news. Many people are going to immediately criticize the WB for possibly revealing too much about the big villain six months before the movie is set to be released. I, however, think it is a brilliant way to wet the palettes of every single fan boy who manages to see that clip. "I Am Legend" is set to benefit from this because there is a good chance that people pay to see the movie, but only stay for "The Dark Knight" prologue. What the hell will this prologue entail? Will we get to see Heath Ledger full on as the Joker or will we be subjected to third parties talking about the villainous clown? Personally, I hope that we get a little glimpse of whatever is going on in this picture:



FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19

And for my next trick….


Was it rape?




Or was it………..










..an ILLUSION! *cue "The Final Countdown" by Europe*

On Friday all the major news outlets, including CNN and MSNBC, were reporting that an unnamed woman has made allegations toward world renowned illusionist David Copperfield. The allegations indicate that the incident happened at an undisclosed date over the summer somewhere in the Bahamas. Despite the fact that the incident occurred outside of U.S. borders, the case is being investigated by the FBI because the accuser is an American citizen.

On Wednesday of this week, the FBI raided both Copperfield's Las Vegas warehouse and searched a hotel he frequently performs at. They reportedly came away with a computer hard drive and a memory chip from a digital camera system, as well as $2 million cash that was locked inside a safe.

Naturally Copperfield's attorney is denying the claim as he told CNN, "…it's categorically denied as a false accusation, an impossible kind of claim."

Okay, so Copperfield might not have sexually assaulted some woman in the Bahamas. However something tells me that there is a whole lot more to this story since, I don't know, the FBI raided the man! It is rather odd that they'd bundle up the man's cash for a sexual assault case. However I do admit that I am not a legal expert, so there may be good reason to confiscate the cash. Personally, there is something else real shady going on here. Unless Copperfield took dirty pictures of his raping ways, the hard drive and memory card would be somewhat useless evidence. Then again, the FBI may use the hard drive to uncover the secrets to all of Copperfield's biggest illusions, more specifically the one called "Hide the Penis".

I should congratulate Copperfield for managing to get himself in the spotlight without the aid of a national monument or a super model. The Las Vegas celebrity arrest tri-fecta is now in play with one more case pending since OJ did his part a few weeks back. Who would have guessed that Las Vegas would be such an interesting place. I always wanted to go there, but now I am doubting the entire idea. Something doesn't sit well about the possibility of being held at gunpoint by a washed up murderous athlete or being tricked into believing you were sexually assaulted by a Vegas magician.

PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYBODY, BUT THIS WEEK I WATCHED…

…"Prison Break" on DVD. To be exact it was the first season on DVD. Actually, it was the first I had watched any of the show. Up until now I did not have the time nor the interest to devote to it. I'm not gonna lie. I might like it more than I had anticipated. There are plenty of twists, turns, and cliffhangers to retain my interest, no matter how absurd or unbelievable they may be. I will highly recommend that you do watch this series on DVD. It makes it a lot less frustrating than waiting every week for answers.

Watch for T-bag alone. He is a hoot and a riot… and will probably skull f*ck you if you don't watch.

HATE MAIL

Thank you to everyone who sent me an email last week. I really appreciate the comments, feedback, questions, and the spam about my PayPal account being at risk. You all prove week in and week out that you are a great group of readers with compelling thoughts and arguments. Keep them coming.

I already received several emails containing lists of your favorite B-horror movies. There were some real bad movies in there and I loved every single suggestion. I am still looking for your favorite cheesy and "bad" horror movies for a special segment in next week's column. So if there is a specific movie you would like to see discussed, feel free to drop me an email.

We did get some comments not related to B-horror movies, the first of which comes from a gentleman named James Giles (no known relation to Riley Giles, but wouldn't that be funny?) in regards to the upcoming "Anaconda" sequels. He said:

I could have sworn that there was already a sequel, called Blood Orchids. The group in the movie are looking for these flowers that have the cure for cancer or some such nonsense, and they find that the flowers grow over a huge giant snake pit.

First off, I am a little concerned as to why James knows so much about that movie. Secondly, I need to commend James because his email address indicates that he sent me this message from work. It really amuses me that you people read this column from your desks and cubicles rather than processing some paperwork. It is good to know that I can help pass the time. I know it sounds real mean, but it would be so freaking cool if one of you got fired for reading this column.

This brings up a very fun idea. I will post any pictures sent to me showing any of you reading this column from your desk at work. It doesn't even matter if you are naked or ugly because we'll just photo-shop the shit out of it and make it work. So long as this column is on your computer, I will work it into the column. From here on in "I'm Not Gonna Lie" is the unofficial Slack at Work column at 411mania.

Getting back to James' email, I should clarify something here. Yes indeed there was a sequel to Anaconda called "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" that was released in 2004. I made note that there would be a second and third sequel being produced right now which would make them the 3rd and 4th movie in the franchise. I apologize if this confused anyone and I hope this clears things up.

Another faithful reader by the name of Dirk had this to add in regards to my comments about the star of the upcoming "Anaconda" movies:

You dare hassle The Hoff? I'll hope you know that I met him once at World of Wheels in Texas, and he was a great guy. He wore a very masculine looking pink Hawaiian shirt with his mesmerizing chest hair exposed for all of the world to see. He also told me to let you know that he's going to do a sequel to the stage musical Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde just so you'll have something to write about.

To be honest, I have no reason to doubt Dirk's claim. Why would anybody lie about David Hasselhoff? Mr. Hasselhoff is probably reading this right now. Dirk continues to stake his claim as my favorite reader by adding:

The only way Natalie Portman would be considered sexy is if she had Charlize Theron's face and body. Portman isn't sexy, she's hideous. But she's a good actress like Places of the Heart and Garden State.

Charlie Sheen plays with sex dolls? Big deal. I have an inflatable sheep that has more samples of my DNA in it than a crime lab. It also makes for a great pillow.

Nothing compares to a good night's sleep on a sex sheep. Seriously. I dare you to try to compare it to anything. Sex sheep aside, I have to disagree with Dirk about the lovely Ms. Portman. She has that girl next door thing that a lot of actresses lack and that is good enough for me.

Rounding out this week's mail bag is a little note I got:

If it had any competition opposite it, not much else on-is there, it would have been cancelled by now.

Perhaps I'm not smart enough to get the jokes so I consider the program boring, boring, boring;.

Jim "The 66 year old guy" Indiana

Thanks for writing in, Jim. I am not sure how you managed to email me with your manual typewriter, but I appreciate the comment.. I keed, I keed. Jim does actually make a good point here. "Pushing Daisies" is taking advantage of its lack of competition. Sure the show is an acquired taste, but it is great to see this type of show get a fair shot. The humor is a very specific kind, so your intelligence has nothing to do with not getting them, Jim. Some of us are just sick and twisted.

Thanks again to all of you who submitted emails. I look forward to getting more from you this week.

SCHRUTABLES

"My girlfriend and I broke up recently and I must say I am relieved. Gets me the chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family we have a tradition where when a male has sex with another woman he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats."

-Dwight in regards to his breakup with Angela on this week's episode of "The Office".

Also I need to direct you to Trip Advisor which has a real listing for Schrute Farms Bed and Breakfast.

NICK's PICKS
Because a more creative name for this segment would just be foolish…

Monday, October 22: "Heroes", 9 PM Eastern NBC- This episode should set the whole season in motion, mainly because of the debut appearance by the new cast regular, Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars). Bell will play a mysterious woman who is out to find Peter. Word has it that she has a kick-ass super power. Speaking of…

Tuesday, October 23: "Veronica Mars-The Complete Third Season" on DVD. The final season of this teen/private-investigator drama was packed full of mystery, intrigue, and surprises. Fans of the show will want to say goodbye with style, whereas the rest of you should take this opportunity to get acquainted with one of the most screwed-over shows in the history of television. Thanks for nothing, CW!

Wednesday, October 24: "Pushing Daisies", 8 PM Eastern ABC- You all know that the World Series doesn't matter until the fourth game, so you probably can spare a game or two to watch some new shows. Wednesday's episode of "Pushing Daisies" finds Ned and Emerson investigating a pilot's intent after a plane crashes into an apartment building. Look for Kristin Chenoweth to continue her show stealing streak this week as the lovelorn Olive. Seriously, she is amazing on this show and probably should make room for her Emmy award now.

Thursday, October 25: "Scrubs", 9:31 PM Eastern NBC- The 7th (yes it really is the 7th) season of the doctor comedy opens up with JD and Elliot pondering their respective relationships. If you recall, last season's finale kind of left us hanging in regards to the whole JD/Elliot romance.



QUICK HITS<
Some quick thoughts on a few things...

- On Halloween night the Sci-Fi the show "Ghosthunters" will once again do a live investigation on the air. This year the show will emanate from the Waverly Hills Sanatorium. Last year's live special took place at the Stanley Hotel, which is the inspiration for "The Shining", and it was a really cool episode. You might want to mark your calendars now.

- I really hope Stephen Colbert gets himself on the South Carolina primary ballots. Sure it is a joke, but I respect that the man is trying to make a statement. The cool thing is that the man might actually have a legitimate shot at stealing away some votes.

- The movie "Gone Baby Gone" looks really damn good. I hear Ben Affleck did an amazing job directing. If any of you see this, please share your thoughts with me.

- Ellen DeGeneres showed some damn compelling humility this week. It will be interesting to see how her doggy dilemma plays out.

- "John Rambo" is set to release next year. I must confess now that I have never seen any of the Rambo movies.

- I am excited for my Green Bay Packers to get back on the field after their bye week. The potential of Koren Robinson on kick returns and catching passes can only make this rising team that much better. Also, I hate the Patriots.

That will wrap things up for this week. I hope you enjoyed what I brought to the table this week. I look forward to your emails.