The October Zombie-Thon! - Day 23: Dorm of the Dead
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.23.2007
Way more disappointing than a "girl's dorm" zombie movie should be...
DORM OF THE DEAD (2006)
Written & Directed by: Donald Farmer
Country: USA
Should I even be reviewing Dorm of the Dead?
After all, the concept of the October Zombie-Thon is to review 31 zombie movies. Dorm of the Dead is so incredibly inept in every way, I'm not even sure it could legally be considered a "movie." Then again, maybe Donald Farmer wasn't actually trying to make a watchable film. Maybe he was performing some strange experiment, to see just how lame and incompetent of a finished product he could actually get released on DVD. If that's the case, Mr. Farmer, kudos to you!
In all honesty, though, I know there's some truth to my speculation about Farmer's intentions. I'm sure he knew he wasn't making Citizen Kane or anything. In fact, I'd wager he knew exactly what kind of crap he was committing to film. But does that excuse it? While watching Dorm of the Dead, I kept desperately telling myself "well, it's supposed to be bad." Unfortunately, my brain wasn't having any of it. I can sometimes deal with tongue-in-cheek lameness (I am a Troma fan, after all), but there's a difference between intentionally bad and embarrassingly awful. Take a wild guess where I think Dorm falls.
Take the film's opening scene, for example (note: in saying "take the film's opening scene, I am not actually advocating watching Dorm of the Dead). A guy tries in vain to get into his girlfriend's pants while hanging out in her dorm room. When he fails, he wanders off to an alley behind the building, where he is suddenly surrounded and devoured by three female zombies (not before trying to get it on with them, of course). Now, this isn't really an atypical sort of prologue for this kind of movie or anything. But it sure as hell isn't the prologue for this movie. We never see these three zombies again (or the guy, or his girlfriend), nor are we given any explanation of who they were or why they were at that dorm. I'm not even sure it was the same dorm that the later scenes of the film take place in. As far as I can tell, this scene had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie, other than the obvious bit about it featuring zombies. I guess that was good enough in Farmer's eyes.
Besides, it seems foolish to complain about the scene not having anything to do with the others. Truthfully, I don't think anything had anything to do with anything in this movie. And before you complain about how awkward that last sentence was, keep in mind that I just watched Dorm of the Dead, and should therefore be cut much slack in regards to any potential brain meltdowns I might suffer.
Huh, what's that? Oh, you were waiting for me to tell you the plot of Dorm of the Dead. Silly me, I almost forgot there was one. Cause, you know, there kinda isn't. I mean, yes, there is a particular chain of events that somewhat moves along in a chronological order, which I suppose could technically be called a "plot." I just fear that doing so is an insult to all real plots the world over.
But, alright, here goes nothing (and I mean nothing…ba-da-bump): Rich bitch Claire (Jacky Hall, in one of the most dreadful performances ever committed to celluloid) decides to get back at Goth-girl Sarah (Ciara Richards) for laughing at her in class. But how? Well, luckily for Claire, one of their professors just happened to show the class a sample of zombie blood he recently acquired in Haiti. I don't know why he did this, but he did. I guess it was Zombie 101. Anyway, Claire decides to steal the vial of blood from the professor, and pore it down Sarah's throat while she sleeps. No, really, that's the entire basis of the movie. In my time watching these films, I've seen zombie plagues started from lots of stupid explanations, but "because I want to get even with the girl who laughed at me" has got to take the cake.
Oh, did I mention that the professor has already accidentally started his own little zombie invasion? Yep, you see, it turns out he murdered a student he was having an affair with when she demanded he leave his wife, and then decided to test the blood on her. He then left her in a public parking garage, apparently not seeing any possible harm that could come out of it. Needless to say, he returns to the scene and finds his now undead girlfriend, along with a couple resurrected victims of hers. Since he's a forward-thinking guy, however, he's brought a gun along with him. So, do you think he simply shoots all three in the head and gets on with his life? Of course not! He instead stands roughly a foot away from them and talks to them(!), helpfully recounting the chain of events that led him and his dead girlfriend to this moment.
Wait, it gets worse. Do the zombies attack this blathering moron? No…they stand there and listen to him!
Eventually, girlfriend and co. snap out of the stupor and finally grab the professor, ripping his arm off. This gives Claire, who has been following him, the perfect opportunity to snatch the vial of zombie blood from him. And even though she was just witness to the kind of mayhem it can create, she still proceeds to go pour the blood down the sleeping Sarah's throat. That's right…after watching a man brutally murdered by walking corpses, her first instinct is to finish the stupid prank she set out on earlier that night. These people are supposed to be in college, correct?
Even though we have already seen the zombie blood turn others into flesh-hungry monsters, Sarah is somehow able to fight off the infection – for awhile. I don't know why this is, and I doubt Donald Farmer does, either. Maybe it has something to do with Sarah's hardcore vegetarianism (which, it should be said, soon goes right out the window when she begins chowing down on raw hamburgers). Eventually, though, she begins to succumb to the change, feasting on a young man she meets at a carnival. Meanwhile, the parking garage zombies have gotten loose, and started a zombie invasion on campus. Sarah walks around some more, the zombies walk around some more, and then it's just sort of…over.
What, were you expecting a thrilling, meaningful conclusion? Have you been paying attention to this review? The fact that Farmer even manages to get things to a point that kind of feels like a climax is something of a minor miracle, considering the rest of the movie is one giant hodge-podge of inane dialogue, long sequences of characters walking, and soft-core sex scenes that wouldn't titillate a guy who has been in prison for 30 years. While I'm at it, I feel obligated to point out the strange inconsistencies in film and audio quality. The various scenes were clearly filmed at different times – with different equipment – and it's fairly obvious that the various actors in particular scenes were never actually in the same room together. Ahhh, the wonders of editing!
Is there anything even remotely decent about Dorm of the Dead, you might be wondering? Well, Tiffany Shepis is in it…but that actually makes me even angrier. Shepis is currently one of the best things going on the horror scene, and I hate that, between this and Day 8's Corpses, I've only been able to feature some of her less-than-memorable moments. Still, she does put in far more effort here than the film actually deserves – check her out in the moments when she and her fellow zombies are feasting on a victim, and tell me she's not the only one who actually gives a crap about what she's doing.
Maybe - MAYBE - through sheer force of will, you could watch this and attempt to enjoy it on a "so-bad-it's-good" level. If successful, I salute you – for you are definitely stronger than I am. Cause I love me some cheesy movies, but Dorm of the Dead is on a whole other level…a level I hope I never have the misfortune of sinking down into again.
