Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.23.07: Once Bitten

Posted by Will Helm on 10.23.2007

…or, Fatal Attraction If It Were a Comedy . . . and with Vampires

Wait a second . . . what's the horror-comedy doing here this week? It's not the end of Horror-Movie Mania 2007! Not to worry . . . I have an even bigger horror-comedy planned for next week.

Throughout the years, I've noticed quite a few actors who are famous now appearing in Misunderstood Masterpieces very early in their respective careers. After all, I've seen Chazz Palminteri and William H. Macy in Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon, far before they were relatively household names. More recently, Gerard Butler, star of the awesome 300, found his way into my column by starring in the Horror-Movie Mania 2004 entry Dracula 2000. Of course, there are scores of other actors appearing in Misunderstood Masterpieces long before they had achieved fame, but humility prevents me from listing any more.

With that being said, it comes as no surprise that this week's entry into the hallowed halls of Horror-Movie Mania 2007 features another actor early in his or her career: Megan Mullally. The future standout of Will and Grace starred in the 1985 vampire romp Once Bitten, a hilarious comedy mixing bloodsuckers, high school love, and stalking. No, really. Although, there is another guy in this movie who looks quite familiar as well. Anyway, like quite a few entries in this column before it, Once Bitten was in heavy rotation on HBO back in the late ‘80s, where it was "enjoyed" by an entire generation of bored daytime cable viewers . . . and usually followed by something like Iron Eagle or Enemy Mine. Unlike those two Lou Gossett, Jr., classics, Once Bitten very well may be a Misunderstood Masterpiece; let's find out!

In a big mansion somewhere in Los Angeles, mambo music plays as a foppish guy (Cleavon Little) wanders around the premises, replete with terribly ‘80s décor. Speaking of the décor, the fop, perhaps as part of his duties or just an attack of obsessive-compulsive disorder, adjusts sculptures and a nude painting . . . of a blond chick. Not the fop, thankfully. Although the film is rated PG-13, so there is the possibility of man-ass within. *shudder* The fop, clad in Patton-esque jodhpurs and riding boots, brings a drink upstairs to a finely appointed morgue/bedroom. The fop, being a faithful servant, awakens a HOT CHICK inside a sleek coffin (Lauren Hutton, one-time Queen of Cougars). Apparently, the HOT CHICK, who's also – unsurprisingly – a vampire, is counting down the days until Halloween as she's cursed and in need of virgin blood before then. Due to the Sexual Revolution of the ‘60s, the HOT CHICK laments being a vampire in the late 20th century as virgin blood is harder to come by . . . no pun intended.

While the HOT CHICK vampire's minions search for virgins, a young virgin named Mark Kendall, who later went on to found the band Great White and record the explosive album Once Bitten, attempts, in vain, to get it on with his HOT CHICK girlfriend (Karen Kopins, who unfortunately fell off the face of the Earth somewhere in the early ‘90s), but she's reluctant. Maybe the fact that the scene of seduction also happens to be Mark's ice-cream truck has a lot to do with it, because they're rudely interrupted by some guy looking for a Creamsicle. Unless that's a bizarre sexual act that I haven't heard of before, like a code word for a reverse rusty trombone or something. Maybe I should call up an escort service and ask for a "Creamsicle" just to see what happens. Anyway, Mark and his HOT CHICK girlfriend make out after Mark shoos away the interloper, but the HOT CHICK girlfriend still doesn't give it up. Mark exits the truck, dejected . . . mainly because everyone in the surrounding cars is getting it on.

The next day, Mark, as per his particular idiom as a whiny virgin, complains about his lot in sex life to his burger-peddling buddies Russ (Skip Lackey) and Jamie (Thomas Ballatore). Mark, conceitedly, argues that his HOT CHICK girlfriend should be letting him have his way with her because he's in the peak of his physical perfection. Wow . . . that's just an impressive level of egotism. Rather than just try harder to get with his HOT CHICK girlfriend, Mark and his buddies instead elect to head into Hollywood to pick up some women willing to take their virginity with little hassle. Oh, that's always a GREAT idea. Such is what happens when men have a back-up of testosterone on the brain, I suppose.

Sometime later, the guys enact their foolish plan and hit the streets of Hollywood . . . in Mark's ice-cream truck. Oh yeah; that'll be a hit with the women . . . unless they all have raging cases of PMS. While the vampire minions troll the streets looking for virgins and, apparently, Mark's ice-cream truck, Mark and the guys follow some chicks to a club in Hollywood . . . and then the guys end up at a totally different club somehow. Maybe there was a wormhole or something through the front door. Anyway, this club is much, much classier, as it has lip-shaped telephones on the tables. Perhaps Mark and his friends can call HOT CHICKS at other tables while talking through a rubber chicken. Or not, as Russ, quite quickly, accidentally hooks up with a tranny. There's nothing like the hilarity of alternative sexual hijinks.

After a long while with little success, the guys drunkenly just want to give up their quest for vagina . . . until someone calls for Mark! Mark's apprehensive, but Russ eggs him on, which is a good thing because it keeps the plot going. Mark, with Russ' support, goes to the bar where he finds the HOT CHICK vampire, who introduces herself as Countess. At least now I can refer to her by name, rather than just as HOT CHICK vampire . . . because that will just get confusing when HOT CHICK girlfriend becomes more involved. Anyway, Mark, ever the romantic, impresses Countess by talking about his dog and other inane subjects. Meanwhile, as Russ and Jamie chat with two HOT CHICKS, they're accosted by an angry bald guy, who's got dirty letters and a gun. Everyone in the bar freaks out at this development and Mark, through the crazy bald guy's unintended intervention, leaves with Countess . . . and the fop. Back at the bar, Russ and Jamie get arrested by HOT CHICK cops, and Russ doesn't mind.

At the mansion, while the fop ingeniously helps Countess get ready for her big night through a false mirror – because vampires don't have reflections, Mark settles in downstairs and drinks, plays with a plaster hand, and fondles the nude painting. Sounds like my average Saturday night. Before Mark can do anything particularly perverted to the nude painting, Countess interrupts his fun and they sit on the couch together and make small talk about acid rain. Mark is surely a natural lothario; no doubt about it. Then again, perhaps my mocking was a bit presumptive, as Countess tires of the conversation and begins biting the buttons off of Mark's shirt. The Pussycat Dolls would be proud. Although, I hope she doesn't choke; that would be a rather quick end to the movie. Then again, can the undead really choke to death? After forcibly removing Mark of most of his clothing, Countess goes down on him . . . for a little nibble.

While the historically stereotypical minions – a Civil War bumpkin; a WWI flying ace; a sailor; twin turn-of-the-century Italian strongmen; and, strangely, two females: an 1890's hooker and a hippie chick . . . which can only mean that Countess goes both ways (and that would make a very interesting update to this movie; the world needs more lesbian vampires!) – hang out and goof around downstairs, Countess and the fop gloat over an unconscious Mark. The fop, sympathetically, wakes up Mark for a little bit of orange juice, perhaps the most traditional beverage after a blood donation. And if there's one thing to be said of vampires, they always respect tradition. Mark, oddly, has a bit of short-term amnesia – which must be from the blood loss – and he also recounts a dream about being a packet of Capri Sun. Ah . . . so he dreamt he was either so strong that he broke the straw that was stabbing him or was run through by that very same straw? Because that's what always happened whenever I dealt with a Capri Sun. Anyway, rather than stand by and listen to more of Mark's nonsensical ramblings, Countess and the fop see him off and, in the process, he reveals that he has a HOT CHICK girlfriend . . . and he gives Countess and the fop some complimentary ice cream. Somehow, I don't know if that's proper payment for what Mark and Countess did earlier; normally I would think it runs about a grand or so.

Back at school, Mark does something shocking – as this gag was set up earlier when Mark ordered a VERY well done burger from his buddies – at lunch when he requests a raw burger from the aghast lunchlady. Something tells me the FDA doesn't approve of this film. At the lunch table, Russ and Jamie brag about the strip search they endured the evening before and then they interrogate Mark about his dalliance. No word on whether or not they want to know about nudging, winking, knowing what they mean, or if Countess is a "go-er." More than likely, however, they'd love to know what it's like. Of course, the HOT CHICK girlfriend doesn't care what "it's" like because she's quite upset with Mark's flagrant disregard for her commitment . . . to her virginity. Then again, it was her commitment to her virginity that got Mark into this mess, so she isn't really blameless. Mark, wisely, pleads for amnesty through amnesia but the HOT CHICK girlfriend, as any HOT CHICK girlfriend would, dumps him.

Later that day, Mark bizarrely breaks into a random biology class just to dissect a frog. Back home, instead of cutting himself and blogging about it on MySpace, Mark instead takes a nap inside a trunk, much to his father's curiosity. Mark, not totally untruthfully, blames his odd behavior on relationship troubles. Now I know that BITCHES can BE CRAZY, but there's also the odd side effect of when BITCHES MAKE MEN CRAZY. I think this is the latter case. Over the course of the following night, Mark dreams of Countess and, apparently, Rockwell as their waiter in a very white restaurant. I wonder if he feels like somebody's watching him whenever someone sees this movie? Anyway, Mark romantically lights a pair of cigarettes with a little help from Countess' flaming fingernail, and she repays the favor by playing footsie with him and then going down . . . for another bite, jerking Mark back to consciousness. No pun intended again.

The next day, Mark chats with his HOT CHICK ex-girlfriend and he blames his sexual escapade on the liquor, which is always a great excuse. Strangely, even though the HOT CHICK ex-girlfriend objects to Mark's new hairstyle – which looks remarkably similar to his previous hairstyle, she does take him back, mainly because she feels guilty for being a cocktease. Good; it's about time! Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Countess laments her lot as a vampire; I guess being a few centuries old allows an individual the time to develop a certain existentialism. Perhaps to quell her ennui, Countess decides that she wants a little bit more of Mark . . . but also because she needs two more tastings before Halloween to thwart the curse for the time being. It's all about the ulterior motives.

That evening, Mark and his buddies go to a Laundromat to pick up chicks, but the scene turns out to be pretty tame, so Mark bugs out. Russ and Jamie – who's armed with a rubber glove "for protection" – then proceed to hit on the two homely women there. Much to his surprise, Russ discovers that his quarry isn't just a housewife, but also a dominatrix, while Jamie ends up in a dryer for his troubles. Mark, on the other hand, looks to have a little more luck with love as he heads over to a VERY neon boutique to visit his HOT CHICK girlfriend. Unbelievably, in addition to guilt tripping her earlier, Mark wins back his HOT CHICK girlfriend's affection by being goofy . . . until he tells her he wants to try on some leather pants. Oh geez; now she's joined PETA. Or not, as she shows him to a dressing room . . . where Countess just happens to be waiting for him. Countess, while hiding from the eavesdropping HOT CHICK girlfriend, warns Mark that she doesn't like her competition. I'd say that this is a great spoof of Fatal Attraction, but, since this predates that film by two years, it's just remarkably creepy. My suspicions are confirmed when Countess chooses that time to take her second bite out of Mark – in the dressing room . . . which I thought was something that only happened in letters to Penthouse – causing a ruckus as Mark, once again, passes out and Countess leaves, vowing REVENGE against the HOT CHICK girlfriend for no reason in particular. Personally, I'd say that sucking the blood of her boyfriend is REVENGE enough.

The next morning, Mark, who's finding quite literally that life can suck sometimes, apparently goes Goth . . . or he's impersonating James Dean. His mom is concerned – perhaps because she's not used to rebels without a cause – and his dad requests a chat before school, but Mark responds by drinking cow's blood – unintentionally . . . maybe – and leaving hastily. On the street, Mark freaks out some kids with an impromptu vampire impression and then, sensing inequity in his soul, he retreats to a conveniently nearby church where he has confession with a hobo. It's the usual "convoluted series of events" or something like that. Unfortunately for Mark, his soul is still in jeopardy – as I guess it wasn't an ordained hobo in the confessional with him – as, that night, he dreams of visiting his HOT CHICK girlfriend while dressed as Dracula. He gives her a bit of a nibble – which she's strangely into; something tells me there's a raging typhoon of sexuality under the demure exterior . . . more on that later – until Mark sucks her dry. Wait a second; I thought that was her job!

Sometime later, at a high school Halloween party, Mark and the HOT CHICK girlfriend attend, with her dressed as Jill (of "Jack & Jill" fame) and him dressed as a member of the Human League . . . or, as the nametag girl refers to him, a "vampire." Inside the hall, everyone dances badly as, even in the ‘80s, white people had no concept of how to get their collective grooves on. While a crappy chick band plays in the background, Countess shows up out of nowhere – I didn't know she was enrolled in the school! – to ply Mark's affection . . . and his hemoglobin as well. The HOT CHICK girlfriend, unsurprisingly, isn't having any of that and so a DANCE BATTLE breaks out! Both Countess and the HOT CHICK girlfriend vie for Mark's attention and, masterfully, this one scene becomes a microcosm for the entire movie. Although . . . does that mean when the DANCE BATTLE is over that the movie's over too? Or is this actually spoiling the movie before the ending? If that's so, this might be the first time that a scene in a film requires a *SPOILER ALERT* . . . for the same film! Anyway, the HOT CHICK girlfriend, unleashing her inner freak in the heat of competition and showing Mark a little something he's probably never seen before, strips over the course of the DANCE BATTLE, finally winning Mark over after a brief catfight with Countess. It's too bad that the school didn't have a mud wrestling team just so that the HOT CHICK girlfriend and Countess can *just happen* to fall into their practice pit.

After winning back her man, the HOT CHICK girlfriend stands idly by as Mark wins the evening's costume contest because he's dressed as, apparently, a New Wave vampire. Or something like that. Mark, not content to be thought of as a whiny vampire, freaks out and leaves – which is pretty much exactly what a whiny vampire would do in this situation. Luckily for him, his HOT CHICK girlfriend is on hand to console him . . . until he freaks out again while watching his reflection disappear from a nearby window. Dum-dum-DUM! Mark, much to his credit, tells the HOT CHICK girlfriend that he thinks he's turning into a vampire – which may or may not be a metaphor for VD – and she, being sweet and demure – even though she just recently stripped for his affection, takes him relatively seriously.

The next day, the HOT CHICK girlfriend goes on a fact-finding mission to the local bookstore, where the freaky owner hits on her while teaching her all about the tactics of the female vampire. Sorry, dude; she's not giving it up, so you ought to stop trying. After learning some IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS, the HOT CHICK girlfriend visits Russ and Jamie at the burger stand and she provides them with some all-important exposition. Apparently, according to the HOT CHICK girlfriend, Russ and Jamie have to examine Mark's inner thigh for bite marks. Of course, with this being a mid-‘80s romp, the hapless henchmen choose to do this in the school's gym shower and, unsurprisingly, homoerotic hilarity ensues as Russ bearhugs Mark from behind while Jamie nearly – and accidentally – fellates his buddy. Oh, and this scene does, in fact, fill the man-ass quota for the film. It's a PG-13 well earned!

After school, Russ and Jamie – especially Jamie, which is awfully suspicious – mope at work as now everyone thinks they're gay. A very forgiving Mark shows up for a visit and he tells them, simply, that all they needed to do was ask and not try to rape him. Is it just me, or has this film taken a dark turn for a bit? Speaking of dark turns, night falls and, as well, the fop shows up to kidnap the HOT CHICK girlfriend; thankfully, in order to aid the plot, he made sure to abscond with the HOT CHICK girlfriend in plain view of Mark and his buddies. The trio, emboldened by the spirit of heroism, takes the ice-cream truck up to the mansion and they break into the basement. While Jamie complains about the state of his bowels, Mark and his associates find the HOT CHICK girlfriend tied up and she helpfully provides exposition once again. HOT CHICKS: they're not just eye candy anymore.

Now with the HOT CHICK bait . . . I mean "girlfriend," free, Mark and his friends somehow end up captured by the vampire minions in the bowels of the mansion. Gee . . . I wonder if they had it planned out that way? The minions take their captives up to the main hall of the mansion, where Countess, thoughtfully, has a bondage device waiting for Mark in order to complete her final transfusion. After the minions strap him into the device, Countess gets to work, but, before she can complete her rejuvenation, the HOT CHICK girlfriend rescues Mark with her HOT CHICK powers. Of course, Countess isn't about to be denied, so she channels her own HOT CHICK powers to hypnotize Mark back to her side. The HOT CHICK girlfriend, perhaps with the added bonus of virgin HOT CHICK power, rescues Mark once more by dropping an F-bomb on Countess' festivities. And everyone knows the F-bomb is the most powerful weapon in anyone's verbal arsenal; perhaps the United Nations should look into it.

While Russ and Jamie hold off the minions with conveniently handy torches, Mark and the HOT CHICK girlfriend run aimlessly through the mansion looking for an escape route. Meanwhile, the minions subdue Russ and Jamie by simply blowing out the torches and pinning them between a door and a wall. Things aren't all bad for Mark's dimwitted compatriots, as the two female minions – the 1890s hooker and the hippie chick – stay behind to strip for Russ and Jamie, just because this movie needed some naked HOT CHICK-back action. So, just to review: that's a "yes" for man-ass, but a "no" for heaving naked bosoms. Thanks, movie! Although, does this mean that Russ and Jamie are willing to trade their virginity for vampirism? Something tells me I'll never find out . . . mainly because I've seen the rest of movie and already know. Anyway, speaking of the rest of the movie, Mark and the HOT CHICK girlfriend end up in the minions' mausoleum and they take refuge inside a coffin as Countess, the fop, and the male minions break into the room. Much to Countess' chagrin, she finds Mark and the HOT CHICK getting it on inside the coffin just before the clock strikes midnight, enacting the curse in which Countess ages about forty years or so – even though she technically should've aged a few centuries. While the fop leads a now aged Countess away, Mark and the HOT CHICK go for another round in the coffin . . . and into the closing credits. Wait! What about Russ and Jamie! The world may never know . . . unless the female vampire minions are using them like Tootsie Pops.

For what it's worth, Once Bitten isn't actively bad. If there is one ailment it suffers from, however, it's embarrassingly adolescent. While the concept of a horror movie where the whole point, unlike the tradition, is to lose one's virginity to avoid a terrible fate is quite post-modern and a little ahead of its time, Once Bitten, unfortunately, can't decide whether to be a vampire flick or a teenaged romp and, instead, ends up a weak version of both. The vampirism angle takes too long to get moving and, too often, is used more for gags and as a plot contrivance. Meanwhile, the PG-13 rating hampers the teenaged romp aspect of Once Bitten, turning it into an awfully tame rip-off of Porky's. Unlike many horror films of the ‘80s, Once Bitten deserves another shot at greatness, as I believe its fullest potential was never achieved (and there aren't enough horror-comedies out there nowadays). At least Megan Mullally got her start here, as well as the guy who played "Mark Kendall" – who wasn't just, after all, the lead guitarist for Great White: Jim Carrey. Welcome, Jim, to the wonderful world of Misunderstood Masterpieces, because Once Bitten is indeed one of them.

Join me next week as I finish up Horror-Movie Mania 2007 with a film that, once again, combines vampirism, virginity, and . . . a bunch of kids? See you then!