The Doctor in the Hallway News Report 10.24.07

Posted by Ben Moser on 10.24.2007

Marty Scorsese and Leo DiCaprio are still cozy, The Grudge is still being held, Natalie Portman is still em-bare-assed to do a nude scene, another installment of CHEER UP, BEN AFFLECK and ever so much more in this week's Doctor in the Hallway News Report. Read it, or I'll tell your local sports talk radio host you called Tom Brady overrated.

Hi kids, welcome back to the Doctor in the Hallway News Report, where the the dance party never ends. I have no idea why I said that.

I keep reading about Heroes' slow start, and I think folks are overreacting just a tad. Yes, it is going slowly, but I think the quality is still there. My main concern is that they aren't breaking the season up into three distinct acts like they did with the initial season. We may just get one long trip to the finish, which is going to make the show seem much slower than it actually is. What I'm saying is. have patience. I'm pretty sure the conclusion is going to be worth the wait.

Now that I've told you how to watch your TV, let's get to the news, shall we?

Marty and Leo form an alliance on the Island, vote off Ashley

Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio will reteam early next year on Shutter Island, a Laeta Kalogridis-scripted adaptation of the Dennis Lehane novel.

Drama is set in 1954, with DiCaprio in final talks to play U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels, who is investigating the disappearance of a murderess who escaped from a hospital for the criminally insane and is presumed to be hiding on the remote Shutter Island.

I never found DiCaprio to be all that engaging or talented, but if he insists on being in movies, at least he's sticking with Scorsese. Marty(and he's fine if I call him that, because we're so tight) brings something out of DiCaprio that a lot of people like and I don't find completely useless. Still, I think Leo's role of a lifetime would be the lead in a biopic of the "Leave Britney Alone" kid. Scorsese doesn't even need to direct it.


So how long before we get a remake of the first one?

Toby Wilkins has been tapped to direct The Grudge 3 for Ghost House Pictures, with production expected to start sometime in January. Producer Sam Raimi has previously hired Wilkins to helm Tales of the Grudge, a series of short films to promote The Grudge 2.

It's making money, so why not do a third one? And if you're doing a third one, why not do a guy who worked hard to promote the last one a solid and give him some big-time exposure? I haven't seen any of these, but will eventually. It's just that I'm not sure about a franchise of movies whose signature moment is a creepy little kid that meows. If that kid is a bigger star than Sarah Michelle Gellar, and he is at this point, maybe she needs to consider finding a role that will up her exposure or at least show us she can be a superstar if given the right vehicle.


"Ben is my favorite 411 writer because he's the only one that wouldn't call me 'Oh My God You're Buffy' if we met. That's so hot of him."


No ifs or ands, however there shall be a butt

When Wes Anderson's The Darjeeling Limited expands Friday to about 600-700 screens, moviegoers will get two unexpected treats: his 13-minute "Part 1" intro to the film, Hotel Chevalier, and the first big-screen glimpse of star Natalie Portman's bare derriere.

First off, one of The Darjeeling Limited's 600-700 new screens had better be in beautiful suburban Durham, NC. I'm kind of ticked that all the classy flicks seem to pass me by. Secondly, the Star Wars prequels have been running pretty constantly on the movie channels, so I've seen Natalie Portman make an ass of herself plenty of times("Anaken, you're breaking my heart!"). *Rimshot* Still, I'm sure she has a delightful tushie and that the scene will be so tasteful that you won't even be able to objectify her for it in spite of its delightfulness.


'Jennifer's Body' is totally Fox-y

Diablo Cody is known for her quirky comedy scripts like Juno. Megan Fox is best known as the hottie in Transformers. Now the two are teaming for a comedic supernatural thriller titled Jennifer's Body.

The story, described as similar in tone to Heathers, follows a cheerleader with a perfect life who becomes the girl from hell when she gets possessed and begins killing boys in a small town. Her best friend must then find a way to stop her.

If you're going to compare your movie to Heathers, then it better have a whole helluva lot more going for it than a hot actress. Fortunately, Diablo Cody will probably deliver the goods script-wise. Even with the handicap of Christian Slater, Heathers has a huge advantage going in. Maybe they should have started with Jawbreaker, which is a little bit less of a huge bite to take(see what I did there?).


Stalking? Totally my Stiles.

Julia Stiles will star opposite Paddy Considine and Scott Speedman in the thriller Cry of the Owl, playing a woman who falls in love with her stalker.

I fear for what a movie about someone falling for their stalker might inspire from some of the creepier folks out there. So I'm going to do a service to all the creepy guys that may get some ideas. I had a...um...friend...that lived in the bushes outside of Julia Stiles' bedroom window. And then in a tree outside her bathroom. And later in a little nook he made for himself in her kitchen pantry. Anyway, this guy writes an internet column because he can't get up and move after Julia showed him not affection, but a body guard. Just throwing that out there.


"Hey Ben, your 'friend' left his binoculars in the dog house."


This week's edition of CHEER UP, BEN AFFLECK!

Gone Baby Gone may have been buried by the second week of a Tyler Perry movie, but CHEER UP, BEN AFFLECK, you're no longer the low point of J-Lo's career! From The Times of India:

Jennifer Lopez's career has hit a new low after her new album ‘Bravo' sold just 53,000 copies in its first week.

The opening sales of her sixth album make it her only non-English album that has failed to bracket 100,000 in the debut week, reports the New York Post.

So hey, no one is going to talk Gigli whenever they talk about Jennifer Lopez and failure anymore, meaning that you're no longer going to be the reason that her career tanked. Now if we can just get you a new career low so she, in turn, can't be blamed for your worst moments(and this feature can keep on going).


That'll do it for this week...

Scrubs premieres its final season this week, and I will be sad to see it go. However, the first 5 minutes of the season 7 premiere episode could easily undo every good thing I've ever thought about my favorite show. Look for a column from be dealing with this subject later on around the 'mania.

See you kids next week. Until then, don't do anything I wouldn't do...

(this week's sources: Variety, Hollywood Reporter, Times of India)