A Fool's Utopia 10.28.07: The 2007 Guide to Horror Movies
Posted by Ron Martin on 10.28.2007
This week in one man's utopia: Find out what horror movie makes the best background visual when you're popping your cherry or when you just want her/him to go away. Also, we take our four Scream Queen divisional champions and pit them at one another in an effort to crown the Ultimate Scream Queen.
Her we are, just three days away from Halloween. You must be thrilled, you must be excited, or maybe you're one of those freaky people that start buying Christmas decorations in September. If you are,then this column is not for you. In fact, I'm going to give a disclaimer right now. Today's column is not for the faint hearted, so if you have a heart condition -- you've been warned. This column is not for small children. Strobe lights and smoke machines wll be in use so please, proceed with caution. If you have some minute, albeit distant iota of intelligence, this column is probably not for you. Why? Because this column is the one you mindless Halloween zombies have all been weaiting for. The time has come for you, my minions, to learn the ways of the horror film. I present to you...
A GUIDE TO HORROR MOVIES
As promised, I will give to you the best horror movie for several different categories. Starting.....now!
Best Horror Movie to Watch on a First Date
And the winner is...
Scream
Come on,after I went off about this movie a couple of weeks ago, you didn't really think it would be long before it popped up on this list right? Let me explain why this is the perfect first date movie (well, you probably shouldn't be inviting the girl/guy back to your place to watch a decade old horror movie on a first date, but we're going to ignore that fact). Scream has a lot of jump scares. This is a good thing. The more jumpy your date is, the better. If you're a dude, you might even get a little sideboob swipe if she jumps enough. If you're a chick and you're with a dude who is jumping a lot -- at least you know what you're getting into now. Scream outside of the jump scares is just a good movie. Your date will be entertained because it is funny and in your arms because it is scary. It's up to you.
Let's say tht first date went really well. Maybe you need to know this next part of the guide.
Best Horror Movie to Lose Your Virginity To
And the winner is...
Underworld
This was a tough decision because there are a lot of critereia to meet here. You want just enough gore that if you get into some trouble about a minute in (and if you're a virgin there's a good chance that's going to happen) you can give the screen a quick glance and do some major delayage. However, you don't want too much gore as you don't want to get taken out of the mood. On top of that, the movie can't be too good because you don't need your mind wandering. That's why I chose Underworld. Plus, if you get caught in a jam later on, you can always just stare at Kate Beckinsale. That's not a bad thing.
Best Horror Movie to be Playing During a Halloween Party
And the winner is...
Frankenstein
When it comes to Halloween parties, you don't want to get too fancy. You don't want to take attention away from how great your party is. It's best to stay with the classics here as it makes great Halloween background fodder. Of the classics, I chose Frankenstein for the single purpose that during the appropriate time, some drunkass will pull his pants down and claim that "It's Alive! It's Alive!" then everyone will have someone to laugh at and make fun of for the rest of the party. Oh, and shave just one eyebrow off when the idiot passes out in your bathroom.
Best Horror Movie to Watch Alone in Your House on a Dark and Stormy Night
And the winner is...
The Shining
The Shining I believe to be most effective when you are alone. This is a film that would be easy to talk off the scary parts if you wanted to. The creepy twin girls got you a little antsie in your pantsies? Turn to a friend and remark how you wonder if those two ever got hot when they hit legal age. The scariness of the situation is immediately averted. Watch by yourself in the dark and it's a whole new experience. You will grab a pillow to protect yourself and peek around the hall for the two spooky girls before walking to the bathroom. Try it. I double dog dare you.
Best Horror Series to Watch a Marathon of
And the winner is...
The Living Dead Series
Of course I am talking about just the original Night of, Day of, Dawn of and Land of. It's hard to get a zombie flick wrong in general. the great thing is you can just watch one after another and not even realize you've changed movies. The movies are fairly short, so you won't get couch blisters on your ass from sitting too long. As a side bonus feature, when you finally get up to go to bed, chances are your foot will be alseep and you can walk like a zombie. Oh, and you'll find an unknown appreciation for the mixed drink, zombie.
Best Horror Movie to Get Yourself in the Halloween Mood outside of October
And the winner is...
Halloween
The movie is called Halloween, you know. Halloween would get anyone in the mood for Halloween. It works on a basic level because it's a horror movie set on Halloween night. So you have your scary element. The town is celebrating Halloween so there are plenty of pumpkins, kids trick-or-treating and Halloween decorations throughout the set which should put you in a Halloween festive mood. If you're a hardass and deny the Halloween appeal of Halloween there's always the theme music. The Halloween theme music is played in every haunted attraction in the country and has become synonymous with the holiday.
Horror Movie You Must Watch to be An Official Horror Geek
And the winner is...
Nosferatu
Of course I speak of the 1922 silent film, not the remake. You have to know the name Max Shreck to be a horror nerd. It's just that simple. Even if this isn't your kind of movie because you're addicted to sound or something, you would see it just out of general curiosity. Here's the kicker -- it's a pretty good flick. The image of Max Schreck is shown in every horror montage that ever opened a cable special on horror simply because the directors of the shows know that that image will bring their show credibility. It says "We're going to talk mostly about The Exorcist and Jason Vorhees, but here's a bone to all the hardcore fans who are the only ones watching right now.
Best Horror Movie to Alert Your Girl/Guy that you Want to Break Up
The Hitcher
As always, I am talking about the original (or at least the 1986 version that I believe to be the original). Even though the couple in this movie aren't technically together, it will still work beautifully. This is a freaking scary movie, but the scene I am speaking of is near the end. When Jennifer Jason Leigh is tied up and preparing to be drawn and quartered, just shoot your significant other a knowing look and that should be enough to clue her/him in. If the dummy dumb doesn't get the picture from that start wondering out loud about the physics of drawing and quartering someone. Try to get him or her involved in the conversation. It's more fun that way.
Best Horror Movie to Initiate Someone into the World of Horror
And the winner is...
Psycho
The original. It pains me to write that after every movie. You kill a lot of birds with this stone (no pun intended). You get some highly tense scenes, you get a twist ending, you get a tiny bit of gore and you get a classic all rolled up into one. Like a multi-layer burrito. Your friend will then expound upon you copious amounts of money and fame for introducing him to such a film and thus, a horror fan it born.
Best Horror Movie to Have a "Private Moment" to
And the winner is...
The Cat People
For sexy purposes, I am talking about the 1982 remake. You see the girl in the picture above? That's Nastassja Kinski. She gets all kinds of naked in this movie in a crazy like five minute sex scene. The best part? She doesn't immediately revert to blood and gore afterwards. If you need more than the time it takes for this sex scene to be over, then you're not doing it right. The best part? Once you've finished your duty, you can sit back and watch the rest of the movie. it ain't half bad.
That, my friends, is your guide to horror movie in every category that actually matters. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Scream Queen Finals
This is what we've been working up to for the last three weeks. It's time to crown our ultimate scream queen champion in the history of the world this week. Our finalists:
It's time to find out just who is the #1 scream queen in my world and in your heart. For today's test of strength, we're taking each champion scream queen and putting them to the ultimate test -- my opinion! Whoo! Why? I ask you why not? Let's eliminate some ladies. Oh, how I wish it was the first time I ever had to say that.
First Elimination: Linnea Quigley
Don't get me wrong, I love me some B-movies. Do I not feed you folks your fair share of B-movie goodness every week in the $1 movie review? On top of that a reader reminded me of a movie that I have fond memories of from childhood that Quigley starred in that I did not mention last week: Return of the Living Dead. In case you're wondering, she's the naked zombie most of the movie. The one major flaw in the case for Linnea is that to be the Ultimate Scream Queen, you have to be in movies that most people have seen.
Second Elimination: Janet Leigh
While Janet has given us several major and dare I say, classic, horror movie moments, Janet was a talented dramatic actress for most of her career. When she delved into the horror genre, she was fantastic as she was in everything else. However, more often than not, Janet just wasn't involved in horror enough of her career to be the Ultimate Scream Queen.
Third Elimination: Sarah Michelle Gellar
sarah has a major resume in the genre. She died in both the Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer franchises. she starred in The Grudge and hell, she was Buffy for crying out loud. To top that off, she's starring in the upcoming Alice, a gothic look at Alice in Wonderland. So why isn't she the Ultimate Scream Queen? Because she ridicules the genre. She doesn't like to talk about Buffy, she rarely supports any of her horror projects, but she doesn't mind cashing the checks does she? She didn't even go the Buffy wrap party for the whole series. If you don't appreciate it, you can't be the Ultimate Scream Queen.
Your Winner and Ultimate Scream Queen: Dee Wallace
Wow. When I first put this thing together, Dee Wallace was the fourth and final participant in the classical era division. Never did I imagine her winning the whole thing. I though for sure that Jamie Lee was coming out of that division. Dee's record is not to be denied. yeah, maybe she was the mom in ET, but she also made a name for herself in The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, Cujo, Crittiers and even The Twilight Zone. All movies that have debatable value in the horror genre. As Dee gets older, her interest in horror does not go away. Later in life she starred in movies such as Popcorn and The Frighteners. i hate to admit it, but she even made an appearance in this year's remake of Halloween showing she is still pertinent in the genre. On top of that, she seems to appreciate her role in the horror genre as I have seen her on the guest lists of several horror conventions. If she comes to a convention near me, you'd better believe I'd be there in a heartbeat with how much ever money she wanted for an autograph. These are the reasons why Dee Wallace is the Ultimate Scream Queen.
As the mummy would say -- that's a wrap! Seriously, you know you just laughed at that. Due to the Halloween season and my being in high demand, we will be skipping our major elements of the column. Everything returns next week! The $1 movie review, Random Thoughts and I even may have a podcast review for you next week. Here's your assignment for this week. Do something on Halloween. Anything. Even if you just watch the live Ghost Hunters special on scifi for a few hours (and then come back and read my review of it the next day), do something! Watch a horror movie, walk the neighborhood, go to a haunted house. This is the only day of the year that is Halloween. Take advatange of it. Until then, everyone have a safe and Happy Halloween!
