Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.30.07: The Monster Squad

Posted by Will Helm on 10.30.2007

…or, The Only Film with the Courage to Answer All Questions About the Wolf Man’s Privates

While many – if not most – horror films – and even this year's Horror-Movie Mania – focus on vampires, there are a handful of films that celebrate all the archetypal creatures of the horror pantheon. For the most part, the "Calling All Monsters" genre of horror began, innocuously enough, with the Abbott and Costello franchise of the ‘40s and ‘50s, as those two vaudeville comics met everyone from Dracula to the Invisible Man to Boris Karloff. Yes, Boris Karloff.

Many years later, director Stephen Sommers attempted to bring all the traditional "Universal Monsters" together in one film; this project, of course, became Misunderstood Masterpieces' Worst Film of 2004: Van Helsing. Admittedly a guilty pleasure, Van Helsing took all of the creatures moviegoers knew and loved and – for lack of a better term – messed them all up. How many other movies set in the 19th century feature Goth-rock Dracula? I didn't think so.

It's hard to believe, in the intervening decades, that no one else attempted this unenviable feat . . . but someone had. And, more interestingly, it was as a children's horror movie as well! Writer Shane Black, the genius behind Lethal Weapon and the critically adored Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Fred Dekker, of House and Night of the Creeps fame, accepted that challenge in 1987 and what sprang forth from their minds was the horror flick The Monster Squad. While a theatrical flop when it was released – in mid-August, The Monster Squad found an audience through home video and, unsurprisingly, heavy rotation on HBO. What was once a failure became a quirky cult classic, but, unfortunately, it was long unavailable on DVD . . . until just a few months ago. Now, thanks to that auspicious event, I can finish Horror-Movie Mania 2007 with The Monster Squad, what may be a legendary Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Making a somewhat unwanted return appearance after a long hiatus, The Monster Squad begins with an expository scrawl. Apparently, a century before the film begins, Van Helsing – and not the Hugh Jackman version – tried to banish all monsters from the Earth or something like that. Sadly, the expository scrawl states that Van Helsing was less than successful . . . specifically, that "He blew it." Whoa; I didn't know Van Helsing swung that way. The film proper then begins in a cemetery and I have to wonder if Anna Falchi will be showing up at any time.

Unfortunately, that won't happen, as the real action isn't in the cemetery, but in the castle that just happens to be next to the cemetery. Down in the crypts below the castle – I wish this movie would pick a setting and stick with it, silence is broken by rats and bats and one of the sarcophagi opening slowly. Somehow, this leads a giant bat hanging from the ceiling to turn into a fully clothed Dracula (Duncan Regehr)! OK; how is it that Dracula – and his clothes – can transform into a bat – without clothes – and then back again? Does Dracula actually grow clothes through his skin . . . or are they his skin? The world may never really know.

Anyway, while Dracula blows my mind with his various states of undress – depending on his particular form, some villagers bust into the castle, accompanied by their version of Van Helsing (Jack Gwillim). After Van Helsing shoots Mrs. Dracula with a stake – which would probably explain why Dracula's always so ticked off, he and the heroes find a laser-shooting ruby sitting on an altar in the middle of the foyer . . . if castles can have a foyer. Van Helsing drags along some HOT CHICK and he forces her to read Romanian to the laser-shooting ruby; meanwhile, I have to wonder if this really is The Monster Squad because it feels like a porn will break out at any minute. Instead of a wild sexual orgy breaking out, zombies bust out of the ground to crash the party. Before the zombies can start munching on villager brains, the HOT CHICK opens a black hole over the laser-shooting ruby and, sadly, she gets sucked in for her troubles. Oops. Somehow, the black hole also sucks up a few villagers . . . and the film itself!

Or not, as the scene shifts to the modern day . . . or 1987, where two rude kids, Sean (Andre Gower) and Patrick (Robby Kiger) sit in a little meeting with their school's disciplinarian. Apparently, the disciplinarian is worried about the boys' behavior, but they're unconcerned because they have a "monster club" to worry about. It's obvious that this is 1987, because nowadays Sean and Patrick would be expelled, drugged, and locked up for the good of community. Zero tolerance is always the best kind of tolerance. The disciplinarian then challenges the kids' fantasy world with his love of science; to get back at him, fifteen years later Sean and Patrick would devise the concept of "Intelligent Design." Ha! Take that, science!

Elsewhere, Eric Bischoff's close personal friend Jason Hervey and some guy threaten the school's stereotypical fat kid, Horace (Brent Chalem). I bet he eats because he's shamed that his parents named him "Horace." Poor guy. Horace – who is, hilariously, referred to as "Fat Kid" throughout the majority of the picture – talks smack at the two bullies, so Jason Hervey and his buddy bust out the whup ass. Before the cops can show up to Taser Jason Hervey and his friend, the school's "cool kid," Rudy (Ryan Lambert), arrives on the scene to rescue Horace for no reason in particular other than to introduce the character of Rudy. Then, as some icing on the cake, Rudy uses the power of his cool to force Jason Hervey to eat a Snickers bar off the ground. I've heard it improved the mineral content tremendously.

On the way home from school, Sean and Patrick argue over the properties of a wolf man and they come to two conclusions: a wolf man can't drive a car, but he does have to wear pants to cover up his wolf-junk. Before Sean and Patrick can make any other discoveries, Horace arrives on the scene with Rudy in tow and Horace sponsors Rudy for membership in the "monster club." So it's a gang? Maybe the disciplinarian should've had Sean and Patrick locked up; the crime rate's going to skyrocket now! While the four boys commiserate, some little girl – Sean's kid sister, Phoebe (Ashley Bank), stalks a "scary German guy" who lives in a decrepit house on the street. OK; these kids need some serious therapy or something.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the air, two pilots flying an old, WWII vintage plane for no apparent reason, argue about their lots in life. After hearing a mysterious noise amid the crates and corpses in the hold, one of the pilots (The Sopranos' David Proval) goes back to investigate. Once there, the pilot is attacked by a bat and then Dracula – who was probably the bat and is, unsurprisingly, fully clothed – and Dracula, with the pilot subdued, caresses a box labeled "Frankenstein." The pilot, upon recovering, drops the crate into a swamp below and Dracula, haughtily, transforms into a bat – sans clothes – and chases after the crate. I suppose this may be setting up the softer side of Dracula or something.

Down at the headquarters of the "monster club," Rudy spies on some HOT CHICK (Lisa Fuller) through a window – who just happens to be Patrick's older sister – while Sean and Patrick ask him goofy monster-trivia questions. After Rudy answers the questions right – although no one ever seems to figure out if there is another way to kill a werewolf other than just a silver projectile, Sean is called away for dinner and he finds out, in a preposterous turn of plot, that his mother (Mary Ellen Trainor) bought him Van Helsing's diary at a garage sale. Ah, the days before Antiques Roadshow.

Elsewhere, Dracula stands around in a lightning storm and begins . . . something. Well, he said it, but I have no idea what it meant. Back at Sean's house, Sean chats with his cop father (Stephen Macht) and he asks if he can see Groundhog Day that night . . . over, and over, and over again. Officer Sean's Dad crushes his son's hopes by putting him on babysitting duty because Officer Sean's Dad and Sean's mom have to go to marriage counseling that evening. Nowadays, they'd just go to a middle-aged swingers club to try and get the spark back into their marriage. It's amazing what a difference twenty years makes. Sean complains that, since he won't be able to see the movie that night, he's going to be forced to endure spoilers in school the next day; no word, however, on if he later went on to write for Ain't It Cool News.

Before Officer Sean's Dad and Sean's mom can head out for their "therapy," Officer Sean's Dad gets a call from his partner (Stan Shaw) down at the station. While the partner explains what's going on, some crazy guy freaks out in the background. Officer Sean's Dad, knowing that there's probably going to be tons of paperwork to do that night, skips out on the therapy, much to Sean's mom's chagrin. Meanwhile, down at the police station, the crazy guy, who just happens to be Napoleon Dynamite's Uncle Rico (Jon Gries), starts beating up some cops, so a green rookie pops out of nowhere to shoot Uncle Rico to death! Simultaneously, at a local museum, Officer Sean's Dad and his partner are busy questioning a security guard about a missing mummy; strangely, there's no evidence, which is unbelievable as mummies don't just get up and leave . . . except for this mummy, as it did just that.

As Officer Sean's Dad and his partner head back to the station, they pass an ambulance carrying dead Uncle Rico . . . who wolfs out through the power of the full moon and eats the driver. Back at Sean's place, Sean watches a horror movie at the local drive-in from his roof and his exhausted dad, fresh from the job, joins him, encouraging his obsession. So, Officer Sean's Dad is half absentee father, half enabler? Strange. Meanwhile, in a nearby swamp, the wolf man wanders around until he meets up with Dracula and the mummy, who, remarkably, isn't absorbing water. Dracula, in his awesomeness, uses his pimp cane to force-lift Frankenstein's crate out of the water . . . or not, as he's just getting a little help from a creature which is certainly NOT from the Black Lagoon due to copyright issues. Anyway, Dracula opens up the crate to reveal a sleeping monster (Tom Noonan) inside and Dracula, full of tricks, uses his pimp cane to jumpstart the monster with a little lightning. Once the monster awakens, Dracula and the monster share an uncomfortable Brokeback Mountain moment. That's just . . . odd.

Back at Sean's house, Sean's mom puts Phoebe to bed and, through a misunderstanding, reveals that she's paranoid about her marital problems. Later, perhaps to soothe her psychoses, Sean's mom yells at Officer Sean's Dad; meanwhile, Sean, who tires of eavesdropping, finds a message on the wall for him from a man named "Mr. Alucard" and inquiring about Van Helsing's diary. Sean, through a little detective work . . . which is pretty much spelling "Alucard" backwards, deduces that this mysterious individual is actually DRACULA! Dum-dum-DUM! Elsewhere, the mummy hides in the closet of another member of the "monster club," Eugene (Michael Faustino), but Eugene only incurs a stern lecture from his father upon revealing the mummy's whereabouts.

The next day, Sean, sensing that strange goings-on are afoot in town, rechristens the "monster club" as the titular "Monster Squad." Accompanying their change of name and mission, Sean has important exposition about what's been going on around them. Because his compatriots are a bit nonchalant about the situation, Sean scolds them because they may be the only ones able to save the world due to their knowledge . . . and the fact that they have Van Helsing's diary. Meanwhile, at a stereotypically spooky house, Dracula wanders around and visits the monster down in the basement. After they share a tender moment together, Dracula tells the monster to get Van Helsing's diary and kill the Monster Squad if they get in the way. Dracula sure is good at delegating duties.

Because Van Helsing's diary is, unfortunately, in German and, hence, unreadable for the average kid, the Monster Squad tracks down the town's resident creepy German guy (Leonardo Cimino) for a little help with translation. The creepy German guy, remarkably, turns out not to be creepy at all, as he befriends the Monster Squad with some pie and Pepsi; meanwhile, elsewhere, Chris Hansen's spider-sense starts tingling. The creepy German guy, perusing the diary, provides some more much needed exposition, revealing that the tale is all about the traditional balance between good and evil . . . and a magical amulet. Oh, and that the Monster Squad has about thirty-six hours to stop Dracula before he can destroy the amulet and take over the Earth. Or the town. Or something like that.

In order to stop Dracula, the Monster Squad needs to find the amulet . . . and a virgin. To that end, the other members just come right out and ask Rudy if he knows any virgin. Well, I bet he KNEW some virgins, but that changed when they met him. Oh, and Rudy also has to make some silver bullets, just in case the wolf man shows up. Before the Monster Squad can split up on their respective missions, they run into Phoebe . . . who just happens to have befriended the monster! And, even more terrifyingly, taught him slang! The Monster Squad, apprehensively, welcomes the monster into their clubhouse and, after showing him a Halloween mask of himself, they bond.

Down in the bowels of the stereotypically spooky house, Dracula and the wolf man search for the amulet and, amazingly, they find it behind a false wall and protected by scores of crucifixes. Although that would thwart Dracula, I don't understand why he just can't send the wolf man in to grab the amulet. Dracula is a master of delegation, after all. The next day, the Monster Squad gets down to business . . . during school, but with a little help from a musical montage. An expository scrawl AND a musical montage? It's almost like a reunion with old friends. Anyway, during the musical montage, Rudy makes stakes and silver bullets during shop class – and, remarkably, he doesn't lose a finger in the process – and then he also steals a compound bow from a convenient, nearby archery class.

Back at the spooky house, Dracula sedates Uncle Rico and then, feeling frisky, he snacks on some HOT CHICK schoolgirls. Down at the station, Officer Sean's Dad mopes and then his partner shows up with evidence, specifically eyewitness accounts of Dracula's hearse. Before Officer Sean's Dad can do anything with the news, Uncle Rico – who broke free from Dracula's bonds – calls him and rats on Dracula . . . and then he wolfs out again. Meanwhile, the Monster Squad goes into action, as Rudy and Patrick stake out Patrick's HOT CHICK sister and Eugene accidentally baits the swamp creature with a Twinkie. While Sean and his crew do . . . something, Patrick and Rudy question the HOT CHICK sister about the state of her hymen and then Rudy blackmails her into helping them with some nude pictures . . . that, through a convoluted series of events, the monster snapped the day before.

At the spooky mansion, Sean, Horace, Eugene, and the monster break in and then Dracula, sensing their presence, buries the monster in rubble. While Eugene and Horace freak out, Sean is all business and avoids mourning for their lost compatriot. Before the kids can move in any further, the wolf man shows up, but Horace, with Sean's encouragement, subdues the villain by punting him in the wolf-junk, answering the age old question as to whether or not a wolf man, in the movie's terms, has "nards." Unfortunately, the rest of the mission does not go smoothly, as the kids are then cornered by Dracula and his HOT CHICK vampires. Sean, thinking quickly, opens up a secret passage which leads the team to, conveniently, the magical amulet, which Sean quickly steals. Unfortunately for him, Dracula was waiting for just that moment to strike, but, just as Dracula has Sean in his clutches, Horace fights off the vampire with a slice of pizza. No, really.

Outside the spooky house, the Monster Squad, with the German guy, Phoebe, and the HOT CHICK sister in tow, convenes and head to the church in the town square. Meanwhile, Officer Sean's Dad – with his partner – heads out to the spooky house with REVENGE on his mind. On the road back to town, the mummy tries to carjack the German guy's Jeep, but, before he can, Rudy and Eugene conspire to unravel the mummy with a little help from a carefully shot arrow. Elsewhere, on another road, Officer Sean's Dad and his partner drive straight through Dracula's hearse, much to their amazement. The hearse, with nothing stopping it, arrives at Sean's house and Dracula blows up the Monster Squad's clubhouse, just to be a douche. Before Dracula can blow up any more treehouses, Officer Sean's Dad shows up on the scene and Dracula, instead, blows up Officer Sean's Dad's partner. Officer Sean's Dad, now really fuelled by REVENGE, shoots Dracula, but Dracula is unmoved. While Dracula flies off to the town square, Sean's mom comes out of the house and, at that moment, realizes just how much of a selfish bitch she's been to Officer Sean's Dad. Officer Sean's Dad, after reconciling with Sean's mom, heads out after Dracula.

After the Monster Squad arrives at the town square, the HOT CHICK vampires show up to break up the party. While the German guy and the HOT CHICK sister argue over Van Helsing's diary, Rudy breaks off from the group to kill the HOT CHICK vampires with a few well-aimed stakes. Meanwhile, Officer Sean's Dad pulls up and he shoots bat-form Dracula out of the sky; he tracks the vampire to a nearby sporting-goods store and, once there, Officer Sean's Dad fights Dracula and the wolf man. Things don't go well for Officer Sean's Dad until Sean shows up and they blow up the wolf man. That isn't the end of the wolf man, however, as he reforms like T-1000 in the alleyway below . . . and then he takes out his frustrations on some hapless cops.

After the HOT CHICK sister finishes the incantation to open the black hole, nothing happens because, as it turns out, she's actually a lying slut who thinks sex with her one boyfriend "doesn't count." So, by that reasoning, would any conception be a virgin birth? The world may never know. Meanwhile, Rudy, being awesome in his coolness, steals a dead cop's gun and he shoots the wolf man with a silver bullet; Uncle Rico thanks him and dies. Elsewhere, the swamp creature pops out of a sewer to kill some more cops – as this little municipality evidently has the largest police force in the world – until Horace steals a dead cop's shotgun – a SHOTGUN!?! – and shoots the swamp creature to death. Then, perhaps as a measure of REVENGE, he threatens Jason Hervey, who just happens to be there.

After Eugene points out that Phoebe may very well be a virgin – umm . . . weird, the German guy teaches her to read the incantation so that they can finally end the battle. Before Phoebe can finish, Dracula shows up again to beat up some obviously inept cops and then zap the German guy. Dracula yells at Phoebe to knock it off, but, before he can go any further, the monster – who is perfectly unharmed, except for his usual compliment of scars, stitches, and rivets – arrives on the scene to fend off the vampire. Phoebe, unfettered by interference, opens the black hole, sucking all of the now dead monsters into it. Dracula does not go quietly into that goodnight, however, as he tries to drag Sean in with him. Sean, thinking quickly, stakes Dracula and then Van Helsing appears out of nowhere to take Dracula into the abyss with him and flash Sean a thumbs up in the process. That Van Helsing is one hip, hip dude. Phoebe, sadly, has to say goodbye to the monster as he flies away too, though he did redeem the good name of Frankenstein in the process. In the aftermath of the battle, Sean's family reconciles, the Army shows up – as per a prior request by Eugene, and the Monster Squad celebrates.

After years away from the limelight, it's a good thing that The Monster Squad is back because it's actually, shockingly . . . a great movie. While I may have poked fun at the film for a bit, the actual movie is tight, fun, and just scary enough. Unlike many, many children's movies, The Monster Squad is actually quite mature and, thankfully, not at all condescending, which is usually the breaking point of lesser films. The Monster Squad unapologetically operates in its own universe, with no sly winks or knowing nods. The film's earnestness is a laudable trait in that way. In addition, the movie avoids any unnecessary plotlines; the closest it comes to that is the "troubled marriage" angle, but that is thankfully resolved in the ending. Otherwise, I have no real complaints about any flaws in The Monster Squad, and that may very well make it not just a Misunderstood Masterpiece, but, perhaps, the BEST Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I bring to you Bill Cosby's magnum opus . . . which isn't necessarily a good thing. See you then!