A Fool's Utopia 11.04.07: Random Collectibles II

Posted by Ron Martin on 11.04.2007

This week in one man's utopia: Smurf storylines, The Grand Masters of Wrestling, Kate Beckinsale in a devil costume and Criss Angel/Bill Belichick take the "cl" out of class.

-- After watching and reviewing six hours of a live Ghost Hunters Halloween specials, I would like to give a < b>virtual finger to all network execs that take a good thing and run it into the ground. So there!



-- I didn't get to touch on this last week like I wanted to, so I will this week. I caught the 2nd Annual Scream Awards on Spike last week while at work. While I just gave a virtual finger to some network execs, I got to give a hardy slap on the back to others. Last year I thought this show was an over-hyped self congratulatory piece of campy crap. It was much improved this year. There was still some camp (like the gargoyle flying away with the guy in the audience), but camp kept at a minimum on these shows work. I liked the presenters had to stick their hands in an aquarium full of scorpions to get the envelope and I came away with more of a "glad that the horror/fantasy genre can have its own award show" than "embarrassed for the genre that this show exists" like I was last year. That being said, it wouldn't hurt my feeling is Quentin Tarantino didn't show up next year. Quentin, I love you, but dude your segments on this show usually suck.

-- I've been kind of on a Kate Beckinsale kick lately, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a picture of her in her Halloween costume.



Any reason to get Kate in a devil outfit in the column will be used for now and forever! I declare it, so it must be.

-- I have not seen much of Phenomenon since it came on the air. I wanted to watch it, I just haven't ingrained it in my mind to DVR it on Wednesdays yet. These channels and their weird start times for seasons have me all messed up. I have caught some clips here and there. This is the most recent clip I caught from Halloween night:



Now, this clip plus other clips I've seen plus what I've heard from the people who have watched the show seems to equal one thing. Criss Angel is a pompous ass almost to the level of Bill Belichick. I like Mindfreak but Angel isn't doing himself any favors on this show by trying to show everyone up. I am sure this was a setup to get publicity for the show and create a "rivalry" of sorts, but Angel's public image isn't great enough that he can appear this unlikable on TV. Criss, talk to your PR person.

-- Your $1 movie review: Grand Masters of Wrestling.



I picked this one up at a local department store well before I ever thought I'd be writing for 411. Weird thing is if I were never writing this column, I may never have opened it. So why did I buy it? Because it was only a freaking dollar! Besides, it's wrestling. You never know where you might find a hidden gym or see an old favorite one last time. The fact that this compilation doesn't even have its cover scanned in on the internet should be a little tip-off.

The back of the DVD promises an amazing spectacle with greats from the golden era of wrestling including the Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, and Classy Freddie Blassie. The DVD starts out with Ken Patera saying he is going to be in the Great Macabee's corner in his match tonight with the Iron Sheik to offset Iron Mike Sharpe who he knows is going to interfere. By the way, Patera is the color commentator.

The first match is Ace Darling, who is as vanilla a babyface as one can possibly get, vs. "Dangerous" Devon Storm. The only good thing about this match is the fact that Dawn Marie is leading Storm to the ring. I really can't tell when this was shot. Storm is a blonde here, far from his days as Crowbar (which I always thought was an underused character) in WCW. Imagine a cookie cutter boring "high flying" match here and this is what you got. Ace Darling wins and refuses to say he was going to kick Storm's ass, instead choosing to use the word "butt." I should take the time to write about the soundtrack that runs nonstop over the matches. This was recorded in a high school that was about ¼ full, yet there is constant cheering/jeering. The track is about a minute long and loops the entire DVD.

Up next, Iron Mike Sharpe takes on Kamala. However, Kamala couldn't leave Africa because he is afraid of planes, so instead we get King Kong Bundy in a rematch from WWF Superstars in 1986. Man, I am glad we are finally getting some closure on this monster feud. Both wrestlers are counted out because we have to protect Iron Mike Sharpe.

We get The Metal Maniac who is announced as being #450 in PWI's top 500 wrestlers list against the only active member of the WWF's Hall of Fame, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka. The Metal Maniac knows three moves – bite, punch, kick. He uses them frequently until Superfly ends it with the Superfly Splash.

And…that's it. No Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff or Classy Freddie Blassie. We don't even get the much hyped Great Macabre vs. Iron Sheik. Ugh.

I'd pay $.20 to see this again, mostly just for Dawn Marie.

-- This probably belongs in the Sports Section of 411, but I've been known to verbalize about sports from time to time here in the Utopia. I've read some great articles online this week about how the Colts/Patriots game it the epitome of Good vs. Evil. Why do the online journalists have it down so much better than the TV journalists? The sports related podcasters I listen to are idiots. I'm talking about all the major ESPN analysts, the NBC ones, etc. They're almost as big of hypocrites as The Patriots. These are the guys who say "You don't want New England running up the score, stop them." These are going to be the same guys that will condemn the person/team that takes a cheap shot and takes out on the Patriots big players for the season while they're trying to run up the score. Just like Colin Cowherd after the Benoit situation, I will stop listening to any sportscaster who does this. The Patriots are the poster children for everything that is bad about sports today and I'd rather root for a clean winless team than one who wins like they do. I guess this year will be the first year I won't watch the Super Bowl since '86.


-- You hear that knocking at your door? No, it's not ET; it's not Sonny Crockett; it's not even Super Mario – unless you work at an Italian restaurant, then the probability that it's Super Mario greatens dramatically – I think knocking on the door is the time in the column to get RETRO.


Since Halloween was this past Wednesday, I suppose it qualifies as retro. I had a nice retro Halloween. I dressed in a Charlie Brown-esque sheet ghost costumes, hit s a few houses I know for trick-or-treating. Got a rock. Then headed to Indianapolis to indulge in the gore at a local haunted house where I was accosted by both a lunatic barber with a straight edge razor and a dominatrix. Afterwards, we checked out a couple of hours of the live Ghost Hunters special, which I DVR'd and reviewed for this very site. Really, where else am I going to review it? I saw a lot of fairy and princess costumes out there. There isn't a whole lot of creativity left, is there? And, yes, of course we used our vintage 1986 Halloween pails from McDonalds. I also discovered that the official smell of Halloween is latex. It brings one back to the masks of yesteryear and that one time on that one day with Mrs. Andrews down the street, but we'll not speak of that.



While cruising in the store for discounted Halloween items, I noticed that one can still purchase the much sought after Sea Monkeys. I used to get something sea monkey related just about every year for Christmas. I must have tried to farm and breed these dudes a dozen times over, never with any success. I even used bottled water once. When I woke up after the allotted time had passed, I was greatly depressed to find I had failed once again. Has anyone ever had any success with creating Sea Monkeys? If you have, you must be greater than I, you bastard.



Finally, there is something we need to discuss. They're little blue creatures that live in magic mushrooms in the middle of the forest. And I'm not talking about Smurfs. Okay, I'm talking about Smurfs – are you happy? Apparently, there are talks around Hollywood of a CGI version of the little blue hoodlums in the works. It's about time. We've had Garfield, Underdog and Scooby Doo, with all the 80s coming back, it was just a matter of time for the Smurfs. They are going to have to update the cartoon a bit, though. I recently watched an episode of The Smurfs on The Free Spot On Demand for Boomerang. It doesn't hold up too well. I kind of hope they get all dramatic with it. What's the chance of a love triangle between Hefty, Smurfette and Brainy? Maybe they'll do the episode where the Smurfs are bitten by a rare bug that turns them evil and purple. Clumsy Smurf could take Vanity hostage and torture him Hostel style. What if Gargamel sacrifices Painter Smurf to his angry gods before creating an army of Azrael clones that will lead to his eventual downfall when they turn on him? No, I don't know why I'm not on the creative team for this project.



-- It looks like High School Musical 3 is a go, complete with Vanessa Hudgens. On top of that she got a raise. I knew she'd come back but I'd thought Disney would give her character less screen time. I was expecting some sort of minor strike for a PR move, but as far as I know Disney has been sitting on their hands. I haven't watched either of the first two movies so I don't know how intricate her character is to the plot. I'd imagine if she wasn't interweaved into the storylines she would have gotten cut entirely from the third film. Usually, Disney isn't a corporation that likes stains on their reputation.





-- It's been awhile, but we're back with another podcast review. This week we're going to take a look at the podcast Movies You Should See.

This podcast is pretty simple. The folks at Simply Syndicated pick a movie and talk about it for anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and 45 minutes. The group includes any combination of Richard Smith, Allison Downing, Mike Dawson, Craig Bevan and Tristan Ofield. In case you can't tell from the names, these guys are podcasting from the mother country. This just enhances the podcast because it helps you learn about another culture through their references, language and knowledge of the American culture. More than that, these guys know their films. They will review the film on the most basic level – whether or not it was entertaining. After that the group will get into the themes and levels of movies; what makes it work or doesn't. With such a large group of reviewers you get several different opinions and they aren't always in agreement. That makes for an even better podcast as the one loner who didn't like the film tries to defend him or herself as the others just blast him. I know I've down reviews of other movie-related podcasts, but if these guys are reviewing a movie you like, this is the one podcast you want to listen to. The only downsides are that since they only do one movie at a time, they could go weeks without reviewing a movie you like. Or maybe more as their podcasts seemingly come out randomly. The group does about six different podcasts all together, but unless you're a Trekkie, this is the best one. Check them out. 4/5.

Now, I must leave you.

Until next week, peoples, try to avoid the Halloween sugar hangover. Next week we're going to play a game of overrated/underrated. Until next Sunday, watch out where you're walking.