Misunderstood Masterpieces 11.20.07: Dragonslayer

Posted by Will Helm on 11.20.2007

…or, Watch as a Fire-Breathing Dragon Is Killed by Fantasy-Movie Clichés!

Almost exactly two years ago, one of the latest entries into the fantasy film genre found its way into this column: Dungeons & Dragons. While it wasn't the first of its genre to be featured in these pages – that would probably be Legend – it certainly made the most of all the clichés inherent in the genre, from dragons to wizards to elves and the ilk. Of course, those two examples do not do the genre justice, so, over the next three weeks, I am tasked with the study of three more works from the world of fantasy . . . and I may not survive!

The first film hails from the pre-Michael Eisner era of Disney – a.k.a. "The Bad-Live-Action-Movie Era," 1981, specifically. As it comes from the early ‘80s, this film, more than likely, stands as Disney's attempt to cash in on the burgeoning popularity of the world of Dungeons & Dragons and all related properties, as it may not feature a dungeon, but it does feature a dragon . . . and a slayer. Hence the name Dragonslayer. Makes sense. Though beloved by a cult of fans, Dragonslayer was a flop at the box office – of course, perhaps the fact that it was released alongside Stripes and For Your Eyes Only may have something to do with it. Or, perhaps, there was something more . . . something that would make Dragonslayer not just another well-remembered but financially unsuccessful film: perhaps it's a Misunderstood Masterpiece! Let's find out!

Then again, maybe the fact that Dragonslayer features a cast of actors I've never heard of – except for Peter MacNicol (Janosz from Ghostbusters 2 . . . so I'll just call him "Janosz" from now on) and Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid). After the very bland credits, the scene shifts to a bleak, craggy landscape, where a horde of peasants do what they do best: stalk over the earth with torches. I guess Frankenstein's monster has gotten loose again. Meanwhile, in a nearby castle, some old guy (Ralph Richardson) makes coffee or moonshine or something with his various pots and cauldrons. That better be some good coffee for all that trouble. The peasants, for whom science is probably the work of the devil, break into the castle; in the meantime, the old guy sets a bowl of water on fire – I think the coffee's a little overdone there, sir – and he has visions and premonitions.

In the ground floor of the castle, some other old guy – distinguished from Old Guy #1 by the differences in their beards – meets with the peasants and tells them that Old Guy #1 isn't seeing any visitors. The peasants, so ready to sack the castle, are quite disappointed by this development. Upstairs, Janosz pesters Old Guy #1 until Old Guy #1 reveals that Janosz has some sort of mysterious destiny – because destinies would be so boring if they were straightforward – while Old Guy #1 is doomed. Old Guy #1, who may very well be doomed – to senility, dresses up in a goofy outfit and elects to meet with the peasants anyway, while reminiscing about all the good times he had as the town's wacky wizard . . . or something like that. Seriously, he's like the love child of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Albus Dumbledore.

During his meeting with the peasants, Old Guy #1 performs a few simple tricks and sleight-of-hand and the peasants, being impressed, reward Old Guy #1 with a few relics, specifically a dragon's scale and a dragon's tooth. The peasants then reveal that all of Old Guy #1's magical colleagues are dead – whether by the dragon's hand or something more sinister is unclear – so Old Guy #1 is their only hope. Hmm . . . where have I seen that before? Apparently, Old Guy #1 isn't just the peasants' only hope, he's also the only hope of the HOT CHICK virgins that the peasants sacrifice to the dragon. Old Guy #1, being aged, slightly senile, and probably impotent, ignores their pleas and, instead, he starts rambling about the plight of the crotchety, elderly dragon. So he's a dragon sympathizer, then?

Or not, as, for reasons unexplained, Old Guy #1 decides to take up the peasants' offer and go dragon-slaying. Remarkably, he even has a goofy outfit just for that purpose. Before Old Guy #1 can go forth on his quest, some evil warrior guy (John Hallam) shows up to crack wise at the goofy old coot. Apparently, he's some sort of skeptic. Old Guy #1, eager to prove that he's still got the skillz after all these years, asks Janosz to go get him a dagger; after Janosz throws the dagger down to Old Guy #1, the wizard returns the favor by magically locking Janosz in the tall tower. Sigh . . . where's Sir Lancelot when he's needed? With Janosz safely locked up, Old Guy #1 enchants the dagger and then he has Evil Warrior Guy stab him with it. And then Old Guy #1 dies from a dagger wound. Evil Warrior Guy isn't impressed by this magic, unsurprisingly. Janosz, meanwhile, is quite distraught by this turn of events, as now he'll never get his internship credits and graduate from Bleak Craggy University. Janosz, either out of mourning or spite, cremates Old Guy #1, and the peasants are sad.

The next day, Janosz cleans out his master's lab; he's probably going to buy an Xbox 360 and a pool table and invite his magical frat brothers over later. Or not, as Janosz puts on a goofy hat and, perhaps in otherworldly retribution, is haunted by Old Guy #1's magic necklace. Somehow, this inspires Janosz to go on a little trip with Old Guy #2 . . . until Old Guy #2 sasses at Janosz. Ooh! It's a mutiny! Janosz responds to Old Guy #2's treachery by levitating his backpack and then, disturbingly, stripping the elderly henchman. OK . . . that's a little awkward. With these actions, Janosz, like Darth Vader before him, proclaims himself to be "the master." I'm sure Sho'Nuff may disagree, though. Meanwhile, over by a campfire, the peasants complain about Old Guy #1 letting them down by dying and all and then Janosz turns those frowns upside-down when he pops and volunteers to slay the dragon! Yay!

Elsewhere, some other peasants, as, in the realm of fantasy, there are billions and billions of them . . . between horrific plagues, drag a HOT CHICK virgin (Yolande Palfrey) to the dragon's lair. After the local magistrate proclaims that the HOT CHICK virgin's virginal hotness shall protect the kingdom from harm for a few years, the peasants hightail it out of there, leaving the HOT CHICK virgin to her doom. Amazingly, the HOT CHICK virgin proves herself to be not only a HOT CHICK and unsullied when she escapes from her chains and runs into the forest. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't quite realize that dragons move fast, so it cuts her off and broils her. Ah, there's nothing like freshly-roasted HOT CHICK.

Back at the camp, Janosz argues with the still crotchety Old Guy #2 and then, perhaps to cool his temper, he goes swimming. Janosz, instead of a peaceful swim, discovers that he's not alone when he comes upon the leader of the peasants swimming – and protesting Janosz's presence for reasons unexplained. Janosz, unconcerned with the lead peasant's complaints, dives – naked – into the water; oh, come on movie! I didn't want to see Janosz's magical tool! Anyway, before I'm treated to a lovely view of Janosz's Wand of Reproduction, he makes another discovery when he finds out, underwater, that the lead peasant doesn't have the expected boy parts! Instead, the lead peasant has some pretty impressive girl parts, because he's a peasant HOT CHICK (Caitlin Clarke)! Dum-dum-DUM!

After Janosz and Valerian – the peasant HOT CHICK – share their little Just One of the Guys moment, Janosz has a vision of the Evil Warrior Guy killing Old Guy #2. I guess hormones have a very odd effect on his brain. Janosz quickly catches up with Old Guy #2, who's just merrily walking down the lane . . . with an arrow sticking out of his chest. Oops. Just before slipping off to the great beyond, Old Guy #2 sasses once more at Janosz and gives him a very IMPORTANT PLOT POINT . . . I mean "package." Perhaps it's to replace the one that Valerian is missing.

Janosz, despondent from the deaths of Old Guys #1 and #2, takes a cruise with the peasants to Ireland, or, as they call it, "Urland." Seriously, movie; you can't fool me! Once on land in the Emerald Isle, the peasants wander around and the Evil Warrior Guy follows, amused by their stubbornness. Along the way to wherever they're headed, Janosz and the peasants – which sounds like a bad Renaissance Faire band – pass by the dragon's lair and Janosz, against the peasants' wishes, decides to snoop around a bit. Janosz finds nothing particularly exciting inside the cave . . . until he gets caught in the midst of a dragon fart and exits rather quickly. I guess HOT CHICK virgin doesn't sit well in the gastrointestinal system . . . but they sure are tasty! Janosz, perhaps in REVENGE for getting dutch-ovened by a dragon, casts a spell to collapse the entire mountain around the dragon . . . and there is much rejoicing.

So much rejoicing, in fact, that the peasants celebrate in their village and throw a little party. While Janosz entertains the kids with silly magic tricks, the peasant HOT CHICK drops her façade and finally dresses like the HOT CHICK that she is. Everyone's amazed by her makeover and Janosz – probably because he's already seen her naked – chooses to dance with her. Everyone else in the village, perhaps inspired by Valerian's big coming out, joins in and they all get down Ren-Fest style. Meanwhile, while everyone's having fun, one of the other peasants complains to town priest – since, apparently, this fantasy world has Catholicism – Father Emperor Palpatine (McDiarmid) about God's wrath or something else religiously mystical because Janosz may or may not be in league with the devil. Sigh; it's always about the classic struggle between the divine and the arcane, isn't it? Then again, I never would've known Barney the dinosaur was a result of necromancy without that feud.

Before the cranky peasant and Father Emperor Palpatine can burn Janosz at the stake, the Evil Warrior Guy rides in to crash the party and mock Janosz's big triumph earlier in the day. Oh, and he's also there to pick up Janosz because the king wants a chat with him. Janosz complies but, unfortunately, when the king (Peter Eyre) wants some entertainment, Janosz's act bombs. The king, perhaps unhappy with Janosz's bumbling approach to magic, starts yammering about his dead brother and the dragon's REVENGE and how he was SO smart for starting a lottery to sacrifice HOT CHICK virgins to the dragon, rather than trying to kill it. Neville Chamberlain would be proud.

Apparently, after the king's little meandering speech, he also sentences Janosz to imprisonment for sucking at magic because Janosz's next stop is the castle's jail. Once there, Janosz meets with the king's HOT CHICK daughter (Chloe Salaman), who exhibits the kind of dopiness that only inbreeding would create. Janosz, perhaps a bit unhappy with his incarceration, tells off the princess and lets her know that, via one of Valerian's conspiracy theories, she's never a part of the lottery because she's privileged. Seriously; the peasants have to get off that class warfare thing if they ever want to improve their station in life . . . or just wait a millennium or so for Karl Marx to be born. The HOT CHICK princess, with the few working neurons in her brain firing, goes up to see her father to set the record straight; the king, who must like the women in his life dumb, resents his daughter's original thoughts and he tries to cover up the skullduggery . . . though not very well.

Meanwhile, probably because his mountain was reduced to rubble, the dragon starts shaking the ground because he's pissed! In the castle, the HOT CHICK princess releases Janosz and he rides through the castle on a horse that just happened to be there, until a wall conveniently opens up and he rides out to freedom. The peasants, perhaps alarmed that the dragon is still alive – even though I'm sure he's survived collapses at his lair before, head over to the lair and Father Emperor Palpatine gives a sermon and tries to exorcize the dragon. The dragon, perhaps kicking off the Protestant Reformation a few centuries early, flambées Father Emperor Palpatine – I guess he failed his reflex save – and then, just to emphasize his point, he flies out and burns down the village.

In the aftermath, Evil Warrior Guy goes off in search of Janosz – for reasons unexplained – and he also makes sure to let Valerian's father (Emrys James) know that she's now eligible for the lottery. He may be an Evil Warrior Guy, but at least he's helpful like that. With Evil Warrior Guy confounded, Janosz comes out of hiding – from underneath Valerian's father's anvil – and then Valerian's father gives him a special Spear of Dragon Slaying! Hmm . . . I wonder if that's a +2 or +3 with a keen modifier. Later that evening, at the castle, the king has another lottery. Valerian, being eligible, is herded into a pen of HOT CHICK virgins and then the king's assistant picks the name of the lucky girl . . . and it's the HOT CHICK princess! Dum-dum-DUM! The king, unsurprisingly, as it would cause more than a few succession problems, freaks out at the news and he tries to invalidate the results when he finds out that the HOT CHICK princess fixed the lottery. With the peasants freaking out – Valerian in particular, the HOT CHICK princess goes all self-sacrificial and emo and she runs off to her doom . . . but probably not before posting a blog about it on MySpace. As all of this chaos breaks loose in the courtyard, Janosz breaks into the king's chambers, looking for his master's necklace; luckily for Janosz, though he's discovered, the king simply gives the necklace to Janosz and tells the sorcerer to rescue his HOT CHICK daughter.

In the interim before the sacrifice, Janosz and Valerian's father enchant the spear, perhaps raising its power level to around a +8 vs. dragons. Meanwhile, Valerian, because she's a peasant HOT CHICK and not a blacksmith like her father, wanders off to the dragon's lair and collects dragon scales for reasons unexplained. Janosz, spear in hand – literally, not figuratively, perverts – heads over to the lair and, once there, Valerian gives him a dragon-scale shield, which is, presumably, +5 vs. breath weapons . . . although Valerian believes that isn't quite good enough to save Janosz's skin. Then, just to hammer home the fact that she's a woman, Valerian starts complaining that she's a virgin and she's jealous of the HOT CHICK princess. Janosz, either sincerely or just to shut her up, reveals that he's actually got the hots for Valerian . . . probably because he got to see her naked.

That night, the HOT CHICK princess gets chained up over by the dragon's lair, but, before the magistrate can declare her virginal hotness open for business, Janosz appears out of nowhere to drive off the villagers. Janosz, free to rescue the HOT CHICK princess, tries to do so, but he's rudely interrupted by Evil Warrior Guy, who tries to stop Janosz pretty much because he's evil. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense at all because a dead dragon and a healthy, virginal HOT CHICK princess is the ideal result in this situation. While Evil Warrior Guy and Janosz duel, Janosz frees the HOT CHICK princess with a stroke of his spear, but, rather than run off to safety, the HOT CHICK princess flips out and runs INTO the lair! Bitches be crazy. With Evil Warrior Guy distracted, Janosz stabs him through the post the HOT CHICK princess was recently chained to, ridding the film of that annoying stereotype.

Janosz, free to slay the dragon and end the film, enters the lair and, once inside, he finds some dragon hatchlings munching on the HOT CHICK princess. Well, that's what she gets for wandering into the cave like a moron. She may have been a HOT CHICK, but she sure was dumb. Janosz, maybe just because he can, slays the dragon hatchlings and then he delves deeper into the cavern until he finds the dragon's hideout. While Janosz skips on some stones, the dragon sneaks up behind him and prepares to breath some fire on Janosz, but, much to the dragon's chagrin, the dragon-scale shield protects Janosz . . . even though he probably should still be dead from the radiant heat and/or lack of oxygen. I'll spot you that one, movie.

Janosz, not quite content to just sit around and get breathed on, runs away, and the dragon gives chase. Along the way, the dragon finds the dead hatchlings and, unsurprisingly, he gets REALLY ticked off. While the dragon is distracted with rage, Janosz jumps onto his back and spears it a few times. Unfortunately, the spear doesn't exactly do as well as Janosz expected, as it causes a few wounds and then breaks off in the dragon's neck. Oops. Janosz runs away again and the dragon, perhaps tiring of Janosz's presence, tries to roast him again. Somehow, Janosz ends up outside the cave, where Valerian finds him unconscious. Instead of sticking around to finish the job with the dragon, Valerian suggests that they run away together because they're in love. Valerian's father, who's cool with the idea, makes a prophetic statement as his daughter and the guy that saw her naked leave his hovel.

Down at the local lake or river or undisclosed body of water, Janosz has a vision and freaks out; meanwhile, in the village, Father Emperor Palpatine's replacement – who happens to be the cranky peasant from earlier – proposes defeating the dragon with the awesome power of Catholicism. Elsewhere, Janosz, inspired by his vision, heads over to the dragon's lair with Valerian in tow and, once there, he throws some magic dust onto a flaming lake and, preposterously, Old Guy #1 returns from the dead. OK . . . now I know that's REALLY necromancy. With Old Guy #1 by their side, Janosz and Valerian watch as the dragon rests by the lair; Old Guy #1, aware that this is the final showdown – which is pretty evident from the convenient solar eclipse going on at the same time – tells Janosz to destroy the necklace at the appropriate time. Then, just to prove that there's magic afoot, Old Guy #1 teleports around and busts out some wacky special effects. I guess there was some money left over in the budget that the filmmakers had to use up.

Old Guy #1 meets up with the dragon and they have a face off, which doesn't work out too well for Old Guy #1. After wounding Old Guy #1, the dragon grabs the elderly wizard and carries him off to nowhere. Janosz, aware that this is the appropriate time – mainly because Old Guy #1 is screaming at him and the necklace is glowing brightly – smashes the necklace, which blows up Old Guy #1 and the dragon! Yay! In the aftermath of the explosion, Janosz and Valerian survey the damage, which is pretty much just the charred, visceral remains of the dragon. As a bizarre addendum, the newly baptized peasants – with the cranky peasant in the lead – and the king both show up to take credit for slaying the dragon; it's too bad that there aren't any newspaper photographers on hand to take a picture of the proceedings . . . and especially Janosz, because he just got ganked! At least he gets to ride off with Valerian, his peasant HOT CHICK transvestite. That's got to be good enough, right?

Upon further review, Dragonslayer, as I inferred earlier, could easily be retitled Fantasy Star Wars. Though, admittedly, Star Wars does borrow liberally from traditional fantasy elements, Dragonslayer plays out almost exactly like its science-fiction predecessor. Both films feature a naïve farm boy (Luke Skywalker, "Janosz") and a looming evil (the Death Star, the dragon). In addition, there's the helpful wizard (Obi-Wan Kenobi, "Old Guy #1") who dies tragically to prove a point to the farm boy and then, somehow, shows up later to help him out in the end. As well, the films – and traditions – feature a headstrong female who's in need of help from the wizard (Princess Leia, Valerian). Even the main villains in both films wear black (Darth Vader, "Evil Warrior Guy") and the dragon-slaying spear could easily be considered an analogue for the lightsabre! Even though I'm not quite sure just how the strange Christian element in Dragonslayer fits in, as one of the Star Wars saga did find its way into these pages, I suppose that Dragonslayer deserves a place among the Misunderstood Masterpieces as well.

Join me next week as fantasy and science fiction collide while some dude goes in search of a knife and a HOT CHICK. See you then!