I'm Not Gonna Lie 11.25.07: Gobble Gobble

Posted by Nick Wallander on 11.25.2007

What are you thankful for?

I'm not gonna lie…



Stories you don't want to hear about from a man you don't care about.

Hello faithful readers of 411mania. As of Thursday, we are officially upon the holiday season. It is that special time of the year where you can get all sentimental and crap without someone calling you a pussy. Perhaps the most sentimental day of the year is Thanksgiving. It is the time of year where we can all reflect upon the things that make life worth living. Sure, some of us don't have a good reason to live, but that is why the Pilgrims invented the turkey, cranberry sauce, candied yams, and Black Friday. Basically even the most pathetic of us have something to do on Thanksgiving.

I know what you are thinking. You want to know what all of this has to do with this column. Well, I did a lot of thinking on Thursday and realized there are plenty of things that I am truly thankful for. The list is quite long actually, and you'd be surprised by how little of it has to deal with pornography and midgets.

I'm not gonna lie, folks. This is what I am thankful for….


First and foremost I am thankful for the internet. Perhaps I should be thankful for Al Gore too, since he may have invented it, but that is beside the point. Without the internet this all would not be possible. This wonderful worldwide network of computers allows each and every one of us to procrastinate at work and forward each other goofy pictures in email. This is something we should not take for granted.

I am also thankful for the blonde beauties I simply know as Kristen and Kristin (Bell and Chenoweth). Bell adds a little bit of zest and intrigue to "Heroes" that was desperately needed after a slow start. To be honest, her turn as the villainous Elle should be one of the most talked about performances of the season. There is just a hint of lunacy in her performance that makes Elle not only dangerous, but uber sexy at the same time. Her performance this past Monday was her best ever, and that includes "Veronica Mars" as a reference point. Chenoweth is simply my odds on favorite supporting player this year. Her love-struck performance as Olive on ABC's "Pushing Daisies" is one of the sweetest and most earnest performances television has seen in years. Even though it is obvious that Olive is the romantic monkey wrench for our main characters, she does so in a way where we call all relate. I can't help but root for the poor girl at the end of the day.

Let us all be thankful for famous people who make us all look good:



After my experiences on Black Friday, I am thankful that I am not homeless. There was a great deal on a laptop computer at Best Buy, so my friend Jason and I decided we needed to get outside the store early, so that we could get a shot at one of them. Well, the store opened at 5 am on Friday which meant that we needed to be out there at 9 pm on Thursday night. Well, we live in Wisconsin, so trust me when I tell you that it was cold (less than 20 degrees F). People were lined up outside the store with tents, blankets, and chairs. We were among the people bundled up with blankets. Apparently that is not enough to keep you warm for anything more than two hours. As the night went on and the temperature dropped, so did the feeling in my toes. I am now baffled as to how people can sleep outside in the cold each and every night. All you homeless people out there have balls of steel or something. Mine fell off at about 3 am Friday morning. Oh, and to make matters worse, they ran out of the laptop before I got it.

A person that I am very thankful for is the voluptuous and enigmatic Lindsay Lohan. My future bride to be has provided me with countless hours of entertainment and material relating to the basic mockery of her daily actions. I probably wouldn't even have this column if she wasn't snorting things.

I am thankful for Christian Bale. He is possibly the best actor working these days and is on one hell of a streak with movies, which is why I am ecstatic to hear that he will be playing John Conner in the upcoming fourth "Terminator" movie. Bale does not take crappy work, nor will be anything less than spectacular with the roles he is given. I expect this movie to make more money than any of the previous films.

The world should be thankful that Britney has hired herself a driver. Now all the paparazzi can be safe from her reckless driving and her children won't fall victim to their mother's need to drive while under the influence. We have got to hope that the girl sticks to this because she was bound for utter disaster if she kept driving on her own. Also, I am thankful that I can simply refer to her as "Britney" with no last name and that you all know who I am talking about. That right there is what we call notorious status.

I am especially thankful for Brett Favre. Sure this isn't the sports page, but I can't help but be thankful for the man who has entertained me for sixteen years now. It has never mattered how well the Packers were doing so long as I could flip the television on and watch our quarterback play. Playing well or not, Brett always manages to be more entertaining than anything on the Lifetime network or "Grey's Anatomy"

Speaking of medical dramas, I am extremely thankful for how great season four of "House" has been thus far. I was skeptical at the end of last season when the titular character fired his diagnostic dream team. Season four's concept of competition for the open positions has proven to be funny, intelligent, and compelling all rolled into one. There is a great new supporting cast of characters competing for House's approval while being incredibly interesting on their own. Any show that can make Kumar a star outside of goofy comedies is doing something right. If you happen to be one of those doubters who think "House" is the same old thing every week, you would be wrong. This season has been full of surprises and the focus has been less on the patient of the week than previous seasons. The writing is real sharp too, which sucks since we won't be getting new episodes for a while.

I am extremely thankful that my roommates did not hear me listening to the Spice Girls' new single "Headlines".

Earlier this week this was released and happens to be something I can be thankful for:



That movie looks to be intense as can be. With J.J. Abrams on board I can only assume that it is going to be much more than a simple large monster flick. Since we are on the idea of visual references right now, I should show you something else. I am thankful for the most amazing movie about a vagina that isn't rated X…..yet:



I am quite thankful that Patrick Dempsey was only the 2nd sexiest man alive according to People Magazine. I honestly was not prepared for the ego boost the prick would have had if he would have won the damn thing. Also, being 2nd also means "Grey's Anatomy" is that much closer to leaving my television for good.

Movie fans everywhere should be thankful that William Shatner was snubbed out of a cameo in the upcoming J.J. Abrams "Star Trek" film. The man is reportedly appalled by the fact that he was not offered a role in the film. Tough shit, Shat. This is great because I was getting sick of pointless cameos by all the original stars when a movie is remade or re-imaged. If there was a legitimate reason for Shatner to appear in the film as his original character, that would make sense. Don't give the man a cameo just because he wants a fat paycheck for five seconds of screen time. Kudos, Hollywood, for finally getting one right.

I am thankful for DVR. Without it I would be cranky and alone in life. It is a suitable replacement for human companionship.

I am thankful that I realized that Miley Cyrus ("Hannah Montana") was not quite legal yet. Could have been quite awkward otherwise.

Most of all I am thankful for what I have discovered each and every Monday night since September:




There you have it, folks. So, since I shared a little bit with you all, I was hoping that you might do the same. What are you thankful for?

Next week we'll be back to a more traditional format around here.