The Doctor in the Hallway News Report 11.28.07
Posted by Ben Moser on 11.28.2007
Writers' strike news that isn't news, a Jessica Alba gig that isn't a movie, a slasher flick that isn't a remake, and much more in this week's Doctor in the Hallway News Report. Read it, or I'll make you edit the divorce court episodes of Hogan Knows Best.
Alright kids, now's the time to welcome you back to The Doctor in the Hallway News Report. I know you missed me last week. I could explain what happened, or I could just tell you that my on-location column from my favorite area around DC wasn't destined to be. That's okay, though, because I'm pretty sure that the only thing more asinine than an on-location talk show is an on-location interweb column. Honestly, what do you - my loyal fans - care about where I am when I type this? Does it matter if it's from my living room while I watch an I Love New York marathon(don't ask) or in some bar in Old Town to you if you're reading it in a college computer lab while you're trying to kill time between Medieval History and Intro to Film? That's what I thought.
You know what's not asinine? Some news.
Hurry! Before Lady or a Tramp actually gets on my TV!
Reps for the Writers Guild of America and congloms resumed bargaining Monday morning for the first time in three weeks at an undisclosed Los Angeles hotel. The session was scheduled as the first of three days of talks, as both sides brought in smaller-than-usual contingents.
Negotiations concluded in the early evening and were set to resume at 10 a.m. today. With a news blackout in place for the first time since talks started in July, neither side had any comment.
"We won't be issuing any statement," WGA spokesman Gregg Mitchell said.
So no one is taking pot shots at each other and they're talking. Everything else is speculation. And depending on who you ask and what day it is, things are looking either promising or discouraging...so this news isn't really news. I mean, if you read it, it seems like news...but since there's no news to take from this news it's really not news.
So in order to make up for the lack of news, here's something from the guild for those who are confused in spite of, because of, or completely ignored my my guide to the WGA strike.
I'll take "evil government secrets" for $1000, Alex
The Weinstein Co. has locked in Gong Li and is negotiating with John Cusack to star in Shanghai, a period drama the studio hopes to make in China early next year.
Cusack is in talks to play an American who returns to a corrupt, Japanese-occupied Shanghai four months before Pearl Harbor and discovers his friend has been killed. While he unravels the mysteries of the death, he falls in love and discovers a much larger secret that his own government is hiding.
Cusack needs to go ahead and get on board with this one. It combines the two things he does best on screen: fall in love with someone and express confused surprise/surprised confusion in his mannerisms. It's really the part he was born to play.
What do you think the postage on mailing chains is?
Reed, Noah Segan, Keith David and Saw III and Saw IV lead Betsy Russell will star in Chain Letter, the tale of a maniac who targets teens when they fail to forward chain mail.
Saw producer Mark Burg and Roxanne Avent are executive producing the horror feature, which introduces the chain-wielding killer Chain Man (Michael Bailey Smith). Matthew Cohen, Cody Kasch, Michael J. Pagan, Cherilyn Wilson, Reed and Segan play his targets. Clifton Powell will play their high school coach, and Russell and David will play the police officers on the killer's tail.
You know, I was wondering when they would finally adapt that lame chain letter I always got in middle school into a movie. The problem with it, though, is that no one sends real chain letters anymore. It's all "make a wish and forward this all of your friends and your crush will totally do horribly debased things to your body in proportion to the number of people you send my shitty poem to" emails. Of course, that means that no one will know what to do with a real live chain letter and therefore not send it. Naturally, this leaves a much larger killing field for our chain wielding slasher. Good times.
Oh, have I mentioned that I'm totally floored that there's a slasher flick coming out that isn't a remake, re-imagining, or reboot.
New ground for New Line
New Line is venturing into the animation business for the first time in its 40-year history by acquiring Ilion Animation Studios' $60 million feature Planet 51 from Handmade Films International.
Written by Joe Stillman (Shrek), the story is set on Planet 51, whose inhabitants live in fear of an alien invasion. Their paranoia is realized when astronaut Capt. Charles "Chuck" Baker arrives from Earth. Befriended by a young resident, the astronaut has to avoid capture in order to recover his spaceship and return home.
Oh good. Another big studio heaving computer animated cartoons at kids every summer. Do you get the feeling that, eventually, Pixar will hire goons to break some kneecaps?
There are one or two other strikes on the horizon, too
Jessica Alba is lining up a stint on the Broadway stage next year - in a bid to beat an actor's strike. Alba is in talks to star in a production of David Mamet's Speed The Plow, playing Karen - a role debuted on the New York stage in 1998 by Madonna. The actress hopes the show will coincide with a planned actor's strike - so she doesn't have to be out of work. Alba told morning TV show Live With Regis And Kelly, "I have been asked. It's perfect timing because of the strike. There might be an actor's strike in June. So if they don't resolve, I can do theatre."
I hope Alba knows that, on Broadway, no one can compensate for any of her performance with flattering camera angles. Beyond that, I wish her well and salute her work ethic. And now, to get plenty of hits on this article, a picture of Jessica Alba.
You're going to insult my talent and then use provocative photos of me to boost your column? Fine, but I won't fix my hair.
This week's installment of CHEER UP, BEN AFFLECK!
You may have me poking fun at you on a weekly basis, but CHEER UP, BEN AFFLECK because your daughter won't be subjected to it. From Thaindian.com:
Actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have barred their daughter from becoming a child artist. The couple want to ensure that their daughter Violet, who turns two in December, gets to enjoy her childhood. Thus the two have made it clear that they are determined to keep their kid away from the limelight.
"It's important to us that she remains a kid," Contactmusic quoted Garner, as saying.
"If she wants to do theatre someday, OK. But as far as making a living from it, that's not a kid's job. We won't allow it," she added.
That'll do it for this week...
I'm going to try to get around to finally checking out No Country for Old Men this week sometime, but NC State Basketball and Carolina Hurricanes hockey may prevent me from getting a viewing in. What I won't be missing is the "season finale" of Heroes on Monday night. The show has really gotten a shot in the arm since those first few almost painfully slow episodes this season. There's your homework, enjoy it. And don't do anything I wouldn't do...
(This week's sources: Variety, Hollywood Reporter, IMDB, Thaindian.com)
