I'm Not Gonna Lie 12.02.08: Letter to Santa

Posted by Nick Wallander on 12.02.2007

What do Reese Witherspoon, the writers' strike, and the adoption of chinese children all have in common? Absolutely nothing except for the fact that 411's Nick Wallander is asking the man in red about them.

I'm not gonna lie…



Stories you don't want to hear about from a man you don't care about.

Dear Santa,

I'm not gonna lie - It has been a while since I have written you, so I figured I would give it a shot this holiday season. I've been a really good boy this year, so I thought that you might be able to help me out with a few things. Okay, so maybe I have been just a little above bad this year, but that has to count for something. I'd like to think you are a forgiving man and let's be honest for a moment; you are a sucker for those milk and cookies. Once those are set out on the coffee table, anything is fair game. At least I hope so.

So, where should I start? Here is my itemized list.

1) First of all, I know a lot of greedy people out there ask for impossible things like "peace on earth" or "goodwill to men". I am not going to be one of those people. My first request is something a whole hell of a lot easier. It might be quite manageable and you might be the man for the job. What I need you to do for me is simple: please end the writers' strike in Hollywood. Oh, don't look at me like it is impossible. Perhaps you need to get in that mediation room when talks resume this week. Well, that is of course, assuming that they resume. I, like the rest of America, am getting a little restless in regards to this whole labor dilemma. Most shows have a just a small handful of original episodes left in the can. We need all these guys seeing eye to eye in order to avoid total and utter programming hell. I don't think it is asking for too much. Just help those writers get what they deserve. I don't blame them for striking and neither should you, big guy.

For the love of God, get this over with so we aren't all subject to reality programming on every major network. I am sure that you have seen that NBC has already decided to add three more hours of reality to their weekly schedule. Yeah, I know, it is utter horse shit. There aren't many people who will put up with Hulk Hogan shouting his lame ass catch phrases at some amateur athletes running into roided up Gladiators. Then again, if they bring back Lace and Nitro I might reconsider. Think about this one, Santa, and get back to us all.

2) Secondly, I need you to take a look at this and then send me an answer.



Is that really the monster from the upcoming film "Cloverfield?" This came out earlier this week, which means that some asshats in a web forum probably created it. Despite that possibility, the drawing seems to confirm plenty of what I have read on the net about this movie. Up in the right hand corner you can see the supposed smaller "monsters" that break off from the big bad and terrorize people. I really do hope that it isn't the creature in question because it honestly looks kind of oafish and as intelligent as a stool sample. An answer on this one before 1-18-08 would be super.

3) No more commercials before movies. Not even the disclaimers about cell phones and concessions. We aren't a bunch of retarded baboons. Anybody with a brain knows better and anybody who is lacking intelligence is going to make noise anyways. Up here in Wisconsin we have a commercial disclaimer featuring the Packers' AJ Hawk accosting a man on his cell phone. This might be funny if he wasn't AJ Hawk and wasn't ugly. Then again, if Mr. Hawk is reading this, I take back that statement. I live in Green Bay and don't want to get my ass kicked when I run into the guy at Old Country Buffet. On second thought, feel free to gift wrap some good looks for that guy.

4) I would also like a set of the Thanksgiving family photos that my girl Lindsay Lohan was trying to sell to the tabloids this week. Rumor has it that she got all cute and sober enough to pose with her family. The word is that they even acted functional and cohesive. Even better, just give Lindsay a loan so she doesn't have to sell her Kodak moments. Apparently she is real hard up for cash seeing as she also tipped the paparazzi off to a shopping trip last Friday. A small loan would really help the girl out and would prevent her from selling out her precious memories for an eight ball of nose candy.

5) Another great thing you could give me this year is the opportunity to watch the greatest potential train wreck in the history of mankind. You are probably wondering what I am talking about, so I'll cut right to the chase. Many major entertainment news outlets are reporting that Britney Spears is looking to adopt two Chinese children. She is apparently looking to do this because she needs to fill a void in her life. I know what you are probably thinking, Santa. I also thought that there was no void that Britney couldn't have filled by a dirty pool boy or gas station attendant. The point is that if this were to go down it needs to be documented on film. This could be the only good thing to come out of the reality TV rush brought on by the writers' strike.

6) It would be great to finally see a big budget action flick that settles the argument about who would win in a fight between pirates and ninjas.

7) Lindsay Lohan's cell phone number. Better yet, program my number into her phone. I would like to get drunk texts from her like Heath Ledger recently received. Sure it can't be confirmed that this is true, but since when as Hollywood gossip been wrong?

8) Some more of this would be great:



9) Can you submit my resume to Reese Witherspoon's agent? Reportedly she is the highest paid woman in Hollywood, garnering about 15 to 20 million big ones for each movie. It is amazing that she gets that seeing as she has done jack shit since "Walk the Line". But hey, if I could get a piece of that action for making bad movies or, in all reality, for taking calls from angry customers about their insurance coverage, I totally would go for it.

And last but not least I would appreciate…..

10) A nice pair of wool socks.

Thanks in advance. I'll be sure to leave those cookies out with some milk, and perhaps a beer or two as well.

Sincerely,

Nick Wallander
Green Bay, WI

P.S- I'd also like a nice tie…..oh and make the "X-files" sequel not suck so much.

……oh and some sexy posters of Katee Sackhoff


The letter you just read was the real thing, folks. I put a stamp on it and dropped it in a mail box for the North Pole this morning. I sure do hope it gets there in time before Christmas. Also, I do apologize to all the readers that don't celebrate Christmas. You probably didn't want to read my letter to a jolly old man with a preoccupation with children (Just kidding big guy. I still want those socks). Next year I will come up with a more inclusive way of relating the week's mayhem and foolishness. I also would like to apologize for not returning to the normal format like promised last week. But, hey! Shit happens, you step in it, and then you get over it. Right?

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my letter to the big guy. It is my hope that he takes care of some of those problems so that we all can benefit greatly. Do you think there was anything that I forgot? If so, send me an email so that I can send an addendum to the list before the 24th. Also, it needs to fit in the back of the man's sleigh. Think about it and get back to me.

Here are my quick hits for this week:

- A great show that many of you may have never seen is "Chelsea Lately" on the E! network. It is a half hour talk show hosted by comedian Chelsea Handler. Handler is a hidden gem of comedy. Her timing is flawless and she has a sense of honesty about her approach that is rarely seen in comedy. Her take on celebrity gossip and news is better than any late night talk show on the major networks. Take a look at this show and get back to me.

- The NFL Network is probably going to need to come up with a new strategy come next season. A lot of potential customers were robbed of the Packers/Cowboys' game this past Thursday because the NFL and cable companies can't play nice.

- Don't tell anybody, but this past week I have seen a few episodes of a reality dating show called "Hell Date". It airs on the BET network like eight times a day so you will have no problem catching it. The basic premise of the show is that people are set up on blind dates with paid actors who play a big prank. Honestly, the show is really not that great, but every time the midget in the devil costume jumps out at people, it is worth my time.

- "The Mist" is a solid suspense thriller. Nobody can argue against the fact that Stephen King understands the nature of people. Few movies get it right and this is one of them. Sure it is a little horror and a bit science fiction, but that does invalidate its message. People is crazy! We will all take advantage of the first chance we all get to fuck each other over when the world is crumbling around us. I had a really sly comment to finish this paragraph, but decided against it since I didn't want hate-mail from the same people who were upset at Kathy Griffin for telling Jesus to "suck it".

- As reported on 411 earlier this week, there are several new viral sites out there for "The Dark Knight". I think this is a badass marketing move by Warner Brothers. It is not often one can give a studio credit for something, but this is one of them. The sites are really realistic looking and I am still trying to crack them for secrets. If any of you have found any secret material, please drop me an email. One thing I did find that was odd was on the Gothem Victims Advocate Foundation site. Go ahead and click the privacy notice link at the bottom of the page. A whole mess of useless disclaimers from Warner Brothers are on this page, but ignore them. Look at the top of your explorer. The heading on your window should read "Remembering Gina". Hmmm. Isn't that interesting? One has to wonder if it relates to the plot somehow. I sure hope it does because I would like to think that I didn't just waste an hour of my life.

- Did anybody catch the blurb about Jake Gyllenhaal playing NFL legend Joe Namath? Let me take a moment here to absorb this. Does Jake even seem like an athletic guy to ya'll? Seriously now, take a good look at him. Gyllenhaal is nearly a twig in comparison to an NFL quarterback. The man is going to need to bulk up, but then again it will still be a hard sell in my eyes. However, if he pulls it off, I will be quite impressed. Do any of you think that maybe Gyllenhaal is a little too pretty to play Namath? Sure Namath was kind of a playboy back in the day, but he was at least more macho than metro. If they were making a Tom Brady biopic, Jake would be my first pick. What do you think?

- What the hell? There was a "Shrek the Halls" Christmas special? I would never have even heard of such nonsense if I didn't real this week's "Fact or Fiction". One would assume that I didn't miss anything groundbreaking or original. Everyone knows Shrek stopped being funny about four years ago. I'll take the Charlie Brown special or Rudolph any day before this modern toy selling crap any day.

- My roommate and I just caught up on Prison Break through the first half of season three. This was probably something we should have spaced out until the return on television. Instead we spend the next month as impatient as a couple of homeless men begging for change.

That just about sums things up for now. Tune in next week for your gift requests for Santa and a tribute to my favorite holiday movie.