Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.04.07: Willow

Posted by Will Helm on 12.04.2007

…or, Little People, Big (Fantasy) World

Ugh. I have never been so glad to see the end of one of my trilogies before. Why? For the past two weeks, I feel like I've been watching the same movie over and over again . . . and it's been Star Wars. I know that there is an inherent issue in the fact that Star Wars does borrow heavily from fantasy archetypes, but Dragonslayer and Krull honestly didn't have to borrow the structure of Star Wars so heavily. I suppose it's just the fact that, during the early ‘80s, no franchise was more significant on the cultural and cinematic – read: box office – landscape.

After the early ‘80s, however, films had to find a new inspiration to almost blatantly copy as the inspiration of Star Wars had faded, and, perhaps appropriately, George Lucas sought to provide a new template for other, lesser filmmakers to copy. Allying with then relatively unproven director Ron Howard – with only the hits Splash and Cocoon to his name . . . as well as the underrated Night Shift, Lucas crafted the tale that would become 1988's Willow. Though loved by many thanks to – what else? – heavy play on cable years after its release, Willow disappointed at the box office, barely making a profit. Now, nearly twenty years later, did George Lucas truly make a truly new fantasy, or is Willow yet another Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Things don't start out on the right foot for Willow as the film begins with . . . and introductory scrawl! Dum-dum-DUM! Apparently, in some long, lost realm, a queen hates pregnant women . . . and a newborn baby isn't quite happy about that fact. Luckily for the angry baby, a sympathetic laundrywoman is on hand to kidnap her just as the queen (Jean Marsh) comes down to visit. The queen, finding that she's been hornswoggled by a lowly member of the proletariat, freaks out. Ah, now she shall release the violence inherent in the system! Meanwhile, accompanied by the opening credits, the laundrywoman takes the baby to the mountains . . . and the baby grows very quickly during that span. I knew the credits were long, but I didn't know they were THAT long. The laundrywoman, sensing an end to her usefulness in the picture, finally sets the baby adrift in a river before she's eaten by rat-dogs. So now they're borrowing from the Bible?

Later downstream, the baby washes ashore and two kids find her; the kids quickly – and wisely – report their discovery to their halfling/hobbit/"Nelwyn" father Willow Ufgood (Warwick Davis). Willow, being just a humble farmer – and another representative of the proletariat – just wants to ignore it, mainly because he's too busy being hassled by the local seed merchant (Mark Northover) due to something or other. Whatever, bloated bourgeoisie! Unfortunately for Willow, his goodly wife ignores his wishes – it's fantasy women's lib! – and she takes in the baby, leading Willow to flip out . . . until his wife makes him hold the baby and he magically falls in love with her. The baby is already a wicked sorceress, evidently.

Sometime afterward, Willow and his kids go to Nelwyn-town, where there's a party going on . . . a celebration to last throughout the years. Conveniently enough, some of Willow's good friends are there, and he brought his family too. Kool and the Gang would REALLY be proud . . . although they'd probably be pretty embarrassed by Willow's uninspired dime-store magic tricks. Seriously; magic rings and making pigs disappear? Pathetic. Even Valentino laughs at you, Willow, just like the portly seed merchant. After the show, Willow and a few of his magical wannabes meet with crazy, bearded Billy Barty! No one's more awesome than Billy Barty, especially when he's bearded and crazy! Crazy, bearded Billy Barty makes the magical wannabes pull his finger and . . . oh, wait . . . PICK a finger and they all, including Willow, get the answer wrong.

Perhaps to break up the tension and get the plot moving again, some rat-dogs show up to spoil the fun, but the remarkably spry Nelwyn guard – led by the always great Phil Fondacaro – slays the beasts. Willow, sensing danger, runs home to his wife – who best not have been killed by stormtroopers. Thankfully, she and the baby are still alive and safe, so Willow elects to reveal what's going on by taking the baby to the town council. Perhaps that wasn't the best idea, though, as the town council, stoked by the bourgeois seed merchant, wants REVENGE against the Nelwyn who brought the fury of the rat-dogs upon their village. Crazy, bearded Billy Barty outs Willow and the seed merchant, sensing the upper hand over the proletariat, tells Willow it's the poor Nelwyn's job to take the baby to the nearest human, probably just so that Willow's fields go unsown and he has to foreclose on the farm and sell Willow's wife and children into slavery. Billy Barty, knowing that the seed merchant is up to no good, orders the evil seed merchant to go along on the journey, as well as a few courageous volunteers.

Just like a distant relative of his with a precious ring, Willow goes off with the baby and a few Nelwyns by his side. Before he leaves the village, though – since Nelwyns' legs are short and they didn't travel very far yet, Billy Barty tells Willow to be confident and he also gives him a few magic acorns, which, when planted, may very well grow into magic oaks. Willow's wife even gives him a lucky braid, which she probably should've spent instead on a watch fob.

OK, I have to get this off my chest. I honestly do not understand the moral of O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi." A loving husband sells his watch to buy combs for his wife's long, beautiful hair while his wife sells her hair to buy a fob for the guy's watch. It sounds all romantic and sweet on first glance, but the one problem with the tale is that HER HAIR WILL GROW BACK! Seriously, that guy got screwed! And isn't that just a lovely sentiment for the holiday season?

Over at the queen's castle, the queen yells at her HOT CHICK daughter Sorsha (Joanne Whalley) and then she tells some old guy with an awesome skull mask (Pat Roach) to help her hapless daughter find the baby. In the forest, Willow and his Nelwyn associates wander around until they find some skeletons in cages by a crossroad . . . and crazy Val Kilmer! Is everyone but Willow crazy in this movie? Willow, as a steward for the baby, and the practical seed merchant, start arguing about whether or not to give Val Kilmer the baby and Val Kilmer, being crazy, eggs them on . . . perhaps only for his own amusement. Because the seed merchant has more money than anyone else there, he and his cronies abandon a recalcitrant Willow, except for fake Sam Gamgee. Crazy Val Kilmer, tickled by the proceedings, mocks Willow for his shortcomings.

Ba-dum-bump

The next morning, however, a thirsty Val Kilmer changes his tune as he tries to make nice with Willow and fake Sam Gamgee. Before Willow can decide whether or not Val Kilmer is trustworthy, an army girded for battle rides through and Val Kilmer trades barbs with an old buddy of his who's leading the battalion. After the buddy rides off, Val Kilmer tries to reason with Willow and then fake Sam Gamgee, against Willow's wishes, releases Val Kilmer! After Val Kilmer celebrates freedom by freaking out, Willow gives him the baby and Willow and fake Sam Gamgee take their leave. Yay . . . movie over!

Or not, as, while Willow and fake Sam Gamgee wander back through the forest, they watch in horror as a crazy – since everyone in this film not named Willow is definitely crazy – brownie (Rick Overton) flies by on an eagle with the baby in its talons. Napoleon Dynamite would be proud. After Willow and fake Sam Gamgee give chase, their captured by a horde of brownies. If they're this bad then, just imagine how evil they'll be when they're full-fledged girl scouts! Anyway, that evening, the brownies drag Willow and fake Sam Gamgee to see a HOT CHICK faerie, who takes the time to explain everything that's been going on so far in the movie. Yay! I love exposition faeries! According to the faerie, Willow is to take the baby to some castle where an army waits which will overthrow the evil queen. That's good; at least Willow doesn't have to throw the baby into the fires of Mt. Doom. Oh, and, just because he's completed this leg of his quest, Willow gets a wand as well.

The next morning, Willow, being fair and charitable, sends fake Sam Gamgee home, leaving only two goofy brownies (Overton and Kevin Pollack) to accompany him to destiny . . . which just happens to be an exiled sorceress who is the only one who can defeat the evil queen even though I always thought it was the baby who would be the one to defeat the evil queen . . . or something like that. Anyway, just like any good fantasy story, Willow and the brownies end up at an inn, where ugly women throw lettuce at Willow – huh? – and one of the brownies falls in love with a cat and goes swimming in a barrel of beer. In another room of the inn, Willow finds Val Kilmer . . . dressed as a woman due to some sort of bizarre sexual fetish. Or something like that.

Anyway, some guy – who happens to be the husband of the woman Val Kilmer was getting friendly with – hits on female Val Kilmer and then, before any guy-on-transvestite action can commence, the HOT CHICK daughter shows up at the inn. Transvestite Val Kilmer is impressed with the HOT CHICK daughter's HOT CHICKNESS, until she finds the baby and flips out at transvestite Val Kilmer for being a transvestite. Val Kilmer, being a cagey, worldly archetype, incites a bar brawl and he and Willow escape with the baby in the melee. Val Kilmer and Willow hijack a carriage and, while Willow tries to drive and the carriage falls apart, Val Kilmer fights off a few bad guys like he just escaped from a Western.

After their impromptu jaunt, Willow and Val Kilmer argue about proper parenting and then Willow, with Val Kilmer stalking off in a huff, tries to apologize when he realizes he still needs help. Ah, silly Nelwyn. Back at the castle, the old guy with the cool skull mask reports back to the evil queen; she's not happy with the lack of progress, so she slaps around the old guy with the cool skull mask. She best be careful; there may be a coup d'état in her future. That night, around a campfire, Willow plays with the wand and accidentally shoots himself into a tree. Oh, good; the fate of the world is in the hands of an idiot.

The next day, Willow and Val Kilmer continue their argument on parenting until they reach the sorceress' island. Val Kilmer bids Willow adieu – and not a moment too soon – as Willow commandeers a boat and rows out to the island . . . where he finds a talking lemur waiting for him. Whew; and I was expecting a little, green, backward-talking guy. The lemur asks Willow to take her back to the baby and then, once there, the lemur sasses at Willow for no particular reason. The lemur best be careful, or else there'll be lemur burgers on the menu that night. Before Willow can heat up the grill, however, the HOT CHICK daughter – with a captive Val Kilmer in tow – shows up to arrest Willow and kidnap the baby.

On the way to wherever, the lemur sasses once again at a captive Willow; it's not all bad for the little Nelwyn, though, as Val Kilmer has enough kindness in his heart to carry Willow through the mountains. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK daughter gives the old guy with the cool skull mask the baby, just because she probably can't be trusted. At the night's camp, Val Kilmer releases the lemur from a makeshift cage and then she sasses at Val Kilmer – I sense a theme – before biting Willow. Then, while Willow has to concentrate in order to change the lemur into the sorceress, the brownies show up and distract him, leaving the lemur transformed into a crow. The crow, just like its predecessor, yells at Willow for being incompetent. Luckily for Willow, crow tastes better than lemur.

After the crow flies off in a huff, the brownies give Val Kilmer some stoner dust – which must be fantasy cocaine – and then they release him and Willow from their prison. Willow tells Val Kilmer to save the baby from the HOT CHICK daughter's clutches – even though I thought she gave the baby to the old guy with the cool skull mask – but, alas, while in her tent Val Kilmer falls madly in love with the HOT CHICK daughter. Oops. While Willow looks on aghast, Val Kilmer tries to proclaim his love for the HOT CHICK daughter while she's busy trying to kill him. What a romantic couple! The HOT CHICK daughter, seeing Willow in the periphery, senses a ruse is afoot and she freaks out. Val Kilmer, master swordsman, collapses the HOT CHICK daughter's tent and fights his way out of trouble until he and Willow ride a shield down a mountain . . . and crash into a village.

In their wake, the old guy with the cool skull mask and the HOT CHICK daughter ride into town and everyone, including Val Kilmer and Willow, hides. Under one of the houses, Val Kilmer finds his good buddy from earlier in the film and, after a fair bit of bickering, they cooperate to capture the HOT CHICK daughter. With the HOT CHICK daughter as a hostage, Willow and Val Kilmer escape once more, while Kilmer's buddy and his troops slay the remaining evil troops. Away from the village, Val Kilmer and Willow follow the crow while Val Kilmer argues with the HOT CHICK daughter. The HOT CHICK daughter tries to escape, but Val Kilmer catches up with her and they share a moment . . . until the HOT CHICK daughter subdues him and gets away.

After following the crow for ages, Val Kilmer and Willow get to an abandoned castle and Val Kilmer freaks out because everyone is turned to stone and there are trolls about. He's a little happier, however, when he finds a cache of weapons and armor just waiting for him. While Willow turns the crow into a goat – and receives a little more indignation, Val Kilmer prepares some defenses as the evil army is riding in. While the evil army, with the HOT CHICK daughter and the old guy with the cool skull mask in the lead, lays siege to the castle, Willow fights off a troll by turning it into a brain and kicking it into a puddle. Somehow, the troll-brain turns into a giant, two-headed dragon, which starts eating the evil army and some trolls. Well, at least it's a helpful two-headed dragon. Val Kilmer, being heroic, flies in to save Willow from a troll and then he spears one of the dragon's mouths shut, impressing the HOT CHICK daughter, so much so that she ends up making out with him. Yeah . . . women are so weak willed. The old guy with the cool skull mask, being strong willed, steals the baby and rides off to the evil queen's castle, leaving his troops behind to be slaughtered by Val Kilmer's buddy.

In the aftermath, the forces of good, lead by Val Kilmer, his buddy, the HOT CHICK daughter, and a goat, make camp outside the evil queen's castle. The evil queen, amused by the very small army outside her battlements, gloats and turns the good army into pigs – gee, I loved that when I read it in The Odyssey . . . except for Willow, who was helpfully warned by the goat. While his porcine allies wander around outside and the evil queen preps the baby for death, Willow flips out until the goat gives him a pep talk. Emboldened by the goat's words, Willow uses the wand to turn the goat into a bunch of animals and then a naked old lady (Patricia Hayes). Nowadays, people pay good money to see something like that on the Internet; in this context, however, it's kind of gross. Actually, on second thought, it's pretty damned gross in any context. The naked old lady, thankfully no longer naked, uses her powers to change all the pigs back into people, but, perhaps thankfully, the movie skips the uncomfortable nudity as the former pigs find their clothing.

Later, with everyone fully human once more, the forces of good have a strategy session and Willow, motivated by his recent successes, comes up with a plan. The next morning, Willow and the old lady exchange pleasantries and then they challenge the old guy with the cool skull mask. The old guy with the cool skull mask nonchalantly writes them off, so he opens the doors to the gates . . . and the good troops pop up out of the ground and ride into the castle. While Val Kilmer, his buddy, and their troops fight the evil army, the HOT CHICK daughter leads Willow and the old lady to the queen. The HOT CHICK daughter, proving that she's a no good traitor, kills the queen's henchmen and then the queen, as a measure of REVENGE, tries to kill her HOT CHICK daughter, but he old lady saves her at the last moment. Whew. A HOT CHICK is a terrible thing to waste.

Just like their days back at Hogwarts, the old lady and the queen duel and the old lady, hilariously, uses magic to check the evil queen into the boards. Don Cherry would be proud. Unfortunately for the old lady, the evil queen counters by playing possum and they end up fighting. In the meantime, Willow sneaks in and tries to save the baby from imminent doom. Outside, meanwhile, the old guy with the cool skull mask kills Val Kilmer's buddy and Val Kilmer, now a noble rogue, wants REVENGE! Sadly, he breaks the old guy's cool skull mask in the process, but, perhaps dramatically, he does kill the old guy with the old guy's own sword. I'm sure that'd be fitting if the old guy had more of a backstory, but here it's just good strategy.

In the tower of the castle, the queen and the old lady have a good, old-fashioned hockey brawl, while Willow steals the baby from the unhallowed altar. After the queen subdues the old lady, Willow uses a magic acorn and tries to turn the queen to stone, but she shrugs it off as she must have made her fortitude saving throw. Then, as a bit of a callback to the beginning of the film, Willow uses one of his dime-store tricks on the queen, making her think that the baby has disappeared. The queen, shocked that she's so gullible, is so embarrassed that she's struck by lightning and evaporates. I suppose that's better than being laughed at by the rest of the evil queens out there at their next Bunco session. In the aftermath of the evil queen's death, the old lady gives Willow a book of magic, probably so that he doesn't have to do his dime-store tricks anymore . . . even though all her fancy magic wasn't what foiled the queen. Eh, whatever. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK daughter, who I guess is now the HOT CHICK queen, ends up with the baby, who is supposed to grow up to be an empress, which means that, eventually, the baby is going to overthrow the HOT CHICK queen. Weird. Finally, Willow goes home and there is much rejoicing. Yay.

Just like any journey into the unknown, Willow has a tendency to wander off the path; luckily, most of the time it finds its way back to a coherent plot. Even though conceived by George Lucas, Willow thankfully borrows little from the Star Wars saga, instead owing more of a debt to elements from the Bible, Greek literature, and even The Lord of the Rings. But not Star Wars. Whew. To be honest, even though Willow does meander at times and, sometimes, seems to take the long-way around in terms of plot development, it still is, by far, the best entry in this trilogy and, indubitably, a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week as we all go to college for sexual antics and a sort-of sequel to a recent cult classic. See you then!