I'm Not Gonna Lie 12.09.07: You'll Shoot Your Eye Out
Posted by Nick Wallander on 12.09.2007
This week we learn why "A Christmas Story" is the best holiday movie, how to get an immediate seizure, and why fans of Arrested Development may get their biggest Christmas wish.
I'm not gonna lie…
Stories you don't want to hear about from a man you don't care about.
Hello everyone. I hope you all have been kicking back on this second weekend of December. Gee, where has this month gone already? Has time sped up? Those are questions I can't honestly answer, but there is something I do know. Christmas has come early this year, folks. See:
Oh Lindsay! You always seem to find a way to crawl back into my heart. There are a couple more pictures linked on the main movies page, so you might want to check those out…..you pervs!
Speaking of Christmas, I had told you all that this week would feature my favorite holiday movies. Well, I have done some real deep thinking and have come up with three holiday movies that are just plain better than most of the other crap out there. This first of which is "The Santa Clause 2"….okay, I am just kidding there. It is actually "Jingle All the Way". Or maybe that isn't it either. It is kind of sad to think that it is so damn easy to rattle off some real bad Christmas movies. A good holiday movie is one that will stand the test of time and be entertaining to multiple generations. Makes sense, right? So, that makes me think of three distinct movies right from the get go.
The most recent of these movies is "Elf" which became a surprise hit at the box office in late 2003. What more can I say than it was kind of funny. Right? Will Ferrell can sometimes be over the top and obnoxious, but not in this case. His portrayal of Buddy the Elf was supposed to be a little obnoxious and larger than life. In case you haven't seen this one, let me describe it to you. "Elf" finds Ferrell playing Buddy, a regular human boy who is raised by Santa's elves after a Christmas Eve mishap at an orphanage many years earlier. Bob Newhart plays Papa Elf, the elf who did all the raising of Buddy, who is starting to realize that something isn't right. You see, nobody ever told Buddy the secret of his origins, so he believes he is an authentic full blooded elf. Well, the cat gets out of the bag and Buddy sets off on a journey for New York City to find his birth father. It is a classic fish out of water story with enough quirks and originality to make you laugh your ass off a few times. Buddy's thoughts on toilets and his stint in the mail room of his father's company are some examples of what to look for. Overall this movie makes even me laugh, so that is an accomplishment right there. It is also kid friendly and really knows how to make you feel a little of that Christmas magic which was so easy to lose many years ago. Here however, is one of my favorite scenes:
Another Christmas classic has got to be "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation". Yes, this is a sequel to the two other "Vacation" films, but like a true National Lampoon movie, it stands alone as its own entity. I am quite certain that at least one out of two people will cite this as their favorite Christmas comedy. It stars Chevy Chase returning as Clark Griswold, the bumbling father who just wants to give his family the best holiday ever. The plot of the movie finds members of the Griswold family converging at Clark's house for what should be a traditional holiday gathering. We follow Clark as he tries create the perfect light display, show the kids how to sled, and find a new Christmas tree when the first one is comically destroyed. Basically nothing goes right and everything snowballs into chaos, bickering, and even a kidnapping. Randy Quaid makes surprisingly funny return appearance as Cousin Eddie, the trailer trash goon, from the first film. Off the top of my head I can already remember several scenes that I immediately think of when this movie is mentioned. Nothing can quite compare to seeing a sled saucer making sparks on a highway or a squirrel jumping out of a Christmas Tree.
Ultimately the best holiday movie ever is "A Christmas Story". This thing was released in 1983 and pretty much nails the idea of Christmas from a kid's perspective. To be quite honest, if you haven't seen it, then you probably are not worthy of even celebrating Christmas. However, I can tell you what you need to know before you rush out to rent/buy the DVD. "A Christmas Story" is set in 1940s Indiana and stars a young Peter Billingsly as Ralphie Parker, a boy who wishes for nothing more than a Red Rider B.B. Gun for Christmas. The movie pretty much follows the life of Ralphie and his family in the weeks leading up to everyone's favorite holiday. The main focus, however, is Ralphie's obsession with getting that toy gun from anyone who listens. We watch as Ralphie pleads his case to his teacher, his parents, and even Santa, all while he has to deal with a school bully, bad grades, and a triple dog dare. The movie is true to life, even if it took place in an era from 60 years ago. There are plenty of laughs as well as some cringe worthy moments that you'll remember for years to come. Yeah, I know I sound like the box of a DVD, but that is fine because I stand by my words on this one. I can pretty much promise you that this movie will make the words "You'll shoot your eye out" a common household phrase. OH! I nearly forgot the best subplot in the entire movie. It revolves around a leg shaped lamp that Ralphie's father wins. It will be the most ridiculous thing you have ever seen, but it creates a moment that we can relate to. We all have either been or know someone who has a fascination with something plain stupid.
The TNT/TBS networks usually air this one for 24 hours straight on Christmas Eve/day. There is no excuse to miss it.
Enough with the holiday cheer though. Let's start talking about this week's dirt:
Some of you are now proud owners of a real collector's item…
This past week found Wal-mart back peddling and playing a form of damage control regarding the release of the hit comedy "Superbad" on DVD. The retailer had been selling a special set of the movie that included an imitation fake identification card which was similar to the one used by the movie's breakout character, McLovin. Some of you have probably seen them. They were just like a Hawaii driver's license, only they had a cheesy moving hologram picture depicting the McLovin character. The mayor of Honolulu, Mufi Hannemann, was one of many Hawaiian governmental officials that were not pleased with the release of such a souvenir. So, the Mayor requested that the DVDs be pulled from the shelves in Hawaii because he was concerned it could be used to deceive merchants. Wal-mart obliged….pussies.
Have you seen these things? There is one sitting on the coffee table in my living room and I can tell you that there is no way in hell that someone would be able to pull off legitimate use of it as identification. You would have to be a total idiot to get fooled by such a prop. First of all, it isn't even printed on a smooth surface, nor does it look like a smoothly printed copy. Secondly, the name on it is "McLovin". Anyone doing their job right would catch that immediately. Finally, the picture changes with just a slight movement or a change of lighting. I don't think that this card was going to be a tool for criminal masterminds, but apparently the good leaders of Hawaii think otherwise.
The real issue here is that Hawaiian officials are upset that they are not somehow profiting off of this bit. I would assume that they would have wanted some reimbursement for using a mock design. Like many government agencies, they appear to be greedy assholes who don't want people to have fun. Does anybody out there know if Wal-mart pulled these sets in their city/state? I'm curious to see how far Wal-Mart went to kiss ass.
Want a seizure? Okay, so how about some more answers about Cloverfield? Well, I guess you get neither…
The viral ad campaign for the J.J. Abrams movie "Cloverfield" continued this week with the release of another video of sorts. This one appears to be an advertisement for a fictional product named SLUSHO. This same product had a quick cameo appearance on an episode of "Heroes" a while back and apparently shows up in "Cloverfield" a few times. The ad may or may not give clues about the movie, however it is probably all in Japanese and not many of us can decipher it. Take a look for yourself:
Seriously? What the fuck is that? Not only does it bring up more questions, but it is discouraging me from ever watching Japanese television programming. It is one thing to make a fake commercial for your movie's advertising campaign, but it is another thing to make the strangest cluster fuck of madness. Here's the thing: I think this is really strange, creepy, and a tad fucked up as well. But, yet, I am still compelled to see the damn movie because of it. That is messed up, right? Basically, the nut jobs working for Abrams did something right and should be promoted to work on more hopeless movies.
Supersize the controversy…
Did you hear the news about "Supersize Me" director Morgan Spurlock's upcoming documentary? I bet that you haven't. It is called "Where in the World Is Osama bin Laden?". This documentary follows Spurlock through the Middle East in search of the world's most famous terror leader. MSNBC reports that, in February, Spurlock showed about 15 minutes of the film at the Berlin International Film Festival to movie producers and studio executives. Apparently it caught the attention of the Weinstein Company because they quickly offered up at least 25 million dollars to distribute it. There is a lot of hush surrounding this film and it is creating a lot of speculation as to what Spurlock may have discovered. MSNBC also reports that the film's director of photography, Daniel Marracino, has commented "We've definitely got the Holy Grail." Hmmm. Doesn't that get you wondering a little about this one?
Speculation continues to grow all over the internet about this story. Everywhere you look it is apparent that the people surrounding this project feel like they have something significant and astounding. Whatever that might be, we remain clueless until the full release. Did they find Osama? I highly doubt that, especially since it has been nearly a year since it was filmed and Spurlock isn't locked up somewhere being interrogated about what he found. Is there really something mind blowing here? I'm not gonna lie. There probably is. Why in the hell would $25 million be put down for this film if there wasn't something earth shattering? News stories go out every day about the hunt for Osama and other terror leaders. However, nobody seems to get too excited about them. Spurlock must have at least gotten on some kind of trail, which is going to stun Americans since the military can't seem to get on one. If he did manage to do the impossible, well, then anything could happen from that point on. Regardless of what was discovered, it could very well affect the 2008 election. Keep your eyes posted on this one. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this.
What? They might seriously make a movie?...NO TOUCHING!"
Speaking of more movie rumors, there is one about resurrecting a cancelled FOX television series. No, it has nothing to do with the "X-files" sequel and its bizarre casting. It also is not a "Serenity" sequel (that's too bad though). I am referring to a potential big screen version of "Arrested Development". StarPulse News Blog is reporting that "AD" star Jason Bateman recently met with show creator Mitch Hurwitz about something or another. Of course that doesn't mean jack shit, but there is a little more. Speculation about this goes back to at least July when actress Alia Shawkat (Maeby) made reference to Hurwitz talking with Ron Howard about bringing the movie to the big screen. There are also sprinklings of interviews over the months from the various actors indicating that they are up for this one. Is this really possible?
My honest opinion is that FOX, or whatever studio picks this up, has absolutely nothing to lose. It is going to be one of the least expensive movies to make. Most of the cost is going to go toward paying a few famous people for cameos (I can't imagine that Carl Weathers is going to ask for too much) and for the music rights to use "The Final Countdown" every time GOB does an illusion. So, basically this film will at least break even at the theaters and could even be a surprise hit considering the newfound stardom of one Michael Cera. One would also have to wager on DVD sales being astronomical since most fans of the show would be willing to stab a bitch just for five more minutes of original footage. I know I would. Who wouldn't sell out a loved one to see Tobias, Buster, and GOB all in action one more time? Also helping the chances of this movie will be the Oscar buzz surrounding a little movie called "Juno" which stars both Bateman and Cera in key roles.
- Ain't it Cool News reported earlier this week that Samuel L Jackson will be starring in New Line Cinema's "Man That Rocks the Cradle". Apparently he is going to be playing the role of a male nanny. Sure, we have seen both Hulk Hogan and Vin Diesel do this before, but something tells me that Jackson has his own damn take on the entire premise. Although, I honestly won't be able to believe that a bunch of kids will have a difficult time listening to that man. Regardless, I am there for this one.
- Katherine Heigl recently had some ill words about her blockbuster movie "Knocked Up". In a recent issue of Vanity Fair she was quoted saying, "It was hard for me to love [Apatow's] movie" because it's "a little sexist..." Well, Katherine, you are kind of a bitch for saying that. Have you ever watched your precious Thursday night drama, "Grey's Anatomy"? Not only is it a "little" stupid, but it is more sexist than most garbage because it depicts women as stereotypically over dramatic. And to think I was almost crushing on you, Katherine. Oh well, there is still the married chick at Blockbuster Video.
- The "Heroes" finale was decent considering it wasn't originally supposed to be the end of the second season. I can't say that I agreed with the two (supposed) deaths, but I did like the way most of the story was left open for whatever may come next. Does anybody else hope that Micah goes all ape shit evil now that he has had his share of personal trauma? The third volume is entitled "Villains" after all, so things ought to pick up quickly.
- Xhibit and Amanda Peet were recently cast in the "X-files" sequel. As mentioned earlier, this is horse shit to the extreme. Robert Patrick deserves a spot in this one rather than two entirely new characters that we have no reason to like. Good going, FOX, you fucked this one up already!
- Kiefer Sutherland started his 48 day jail sentence earlier this week. I commended the man earlier this year for taking one for the team and accepting responsibility for his actions. I don't necessarily condone drunk driving, but let's hope the guy learns a little something from this. Lucky for him that pesky writer's strike will give "24" some extra time to sort out their season. Now only if Paris Hilton could have done her entire sentence…..then again, I'd wager to say that Kiefer will be out a little early as well.
That is going to wrap it up for this week, peeps. Tune in next week as I analyze and give a social retrospective of the greatest television special of all time, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". There are some interesting themes buried within that gem and you all deserve the opportunity to explore them. As always, feel free to email or leave a comment.
