Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.11.07: The Rules of Attraction

Posted by Will Helm on 12.11.2007

…or, I Would Call It “Rules of Pretension,” But I’m Sure Someone Probably Already Did That

Like many novels from the past two decades or so, the oft-infamous works of noted author Bret Easton Ellis seem tailor made for the cinema. In fact, unlike many of his contemporaries, three of Ellis' novels have gone on to become films, with another on the way. The first movie based on one of Ellis' works would be, conveniently, an adaptation of Ellis' debut novel, Less Than Zero. 1987's Less Than Zero – along with its corresponding tome – introduces Ellis' recurring themes of superficiality, drug use, casual sex, and a general tenor of nihilism crossed with existentialism. The next Ellis adaptation would also be the most controversial, as it is a film version of his most scandalous book, American Psycho. Though nearly made with Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead, American Psycho, released in 2000, featured Christian Bale as a self-styled, upper class serial killer – though perhaps only in his own mind. Though demonized by feminists and other concerned parties, American Psycho went on to garner a cult following as an entertaining dark comedy.

Unfortunately, the same fate would not be in store for the next Ellis adaptation: The Rules of Attraction. Released in 2002, The Rules of Attraction – stemming from the 1987 book of the same name – sought to tell the tales of a bevy of spoilt college students representative of the usual Bret Easton Ellis ilk. While American Psycho went on to be a recent cult classic, The Rules of Attraction's fate was sealed as something else when it was lambasted by some critics; however, it was also haltingly admired by others, who probably just wanted to seem "with it" and keep whatever street cred they may have had . . . or as much street cred as movie critics can have. Though the box-office results indicate that the viewing audience probably agreed more with the former camp, who was right after all? Is The Rules of Attraction a sadly ignored gem, an overwrought mess, or something more . . . perhaps a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

It doesn't help The Rules of Attraction's case when the first voice over of the film – among many . . . I think director Roger Avary is trying to compete with Dune here – states that the following story is probably pretty boring. Gee, thanks for the honesty . . . and the warning, movie! Apparently, the so terribly emo chick in the voice over (Shannyn Sossamon) lost her virginity at a college party to some dude even though she really wanted some metrosexual drama major. Sadly, Emo Chick had to settle for second-best since Drama Major is boning Jessica Biel, who then went on to take the whole football team while cavorting drunk in her underwear. Hopefully the football team took turns, as they'd be sure to try and avoid any accidental homosexuality.

Anyway, Emo Chick sits around at the party listening to the substitute guy yammer on about Quentin Tarantino until he's distracted by breasts. No, really. The Emo Chick, sensing that the substitute guy is losing interest in her, garners his attention once more by plying him with promises of marijuana. Wow . . . there's nothing like hitting the Bret Easton Ellis trifecta – superficiality, sex, and drugs – in less than ten minutes. I think that's a new record, movie! You are winner! The Emo Chick and the substitute guy retire to a bedroom somewhere in the building and, after he realizes that there's no pot at all, she conveniently passes out, allowing the substitute guy to get his revenge by filming Emo Chick in a scene of coitus with a drunken "townie." The drunken townie nearly throws up on Emo Chick, but she avoids that embarrassment by . . . MAKING TIME GO BACKWARDS! Whoa . . . she's powered by emo.

While Emo Chick causes a rift in the temporal flux, Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) shows up in the background. From the other side of the room, some guy (Ian Somerhalder, a.k.a. Lost's "Boone") has an existential monologue while staring admiringly at Dawson. Apparently, Gay Boone wants some Dawson Leery lovin', but he has to content himself with some jock who's trippin' balls on E. Unfortunately for Gay Boone, he's rejected and bashed for his troubles . . . but he's still existential and the jock is, according to Gay Boone, still a closeted homosexual. Then, Gay Boone, somehow, makes time reverse as well; maybe that's a required class for the first semester of freshman year.

Finally, the tale turns to Dawson, who stands around at the party tearing up what appears to be poetry. He then soothes his pain by drinking heavily and thinking he's a vampire. OK, whatever, dude. Since he is a self-proclaimed vampire, Dawson apparently wants to snack on bony Kate Bosworth . . . or he could go back to his room to write music and beat the bishop. Dawson, thankfully, chooses the former option, but he does interlace a bit of the second option as he makes sure to serenade bony Kate Bosworth first. After he hypnotizes her with a bad rendition of a Counting Crows ditty, Dawson gets to business, but it's only so-so; it's probably because he's hitting hip bone and not vagina. This is bony Kate Bosworth, after all.

Dawson, perhaps most powerful of all the seeming mutants at this college, makes time go backward . . . all the way to the beginning of the semester at a prestigious college. Well, it looks old, so it must be prestigious. Time goes forward once more as students burst forth from one of the buildings and a praying mantis tries to eat a hung over Dawson. Meanwhile, the Emo Chick skates braless, because underwear probably makes her cut herself and blog about it on MySpace. Dawson, probably in the midst of a raging hangover, is depressed by breakfast, while Gay Boone aligns his existential chi by doing yoga. Dawson, still depressed, stares down his mailbox and he opens a love letter full of glitter . . . or really shiny anthrax. This mushy mess cheers up Dawson, so he's slightly less depressed.

To celebrate his newfound happiness, Dawson visits the local crack den, where some guy (Clifton Collins, Jr.) does kung fu on him. Whoa . . . he's almost like white-trash Dolemite! White-Trash Dolemite, after attempting to subdue Dawson with a reverse wrist-lock, elicits a confession from Dawson at gunpoint, specifically that Dawson is actually not a spoiled rich kid but a farm boy from Nebraska. Oh, how déclassé! After this moment of heartbreaking honesty, Dawson negotiates with White-Trash Dolemite regarding a bit of a lingering drug debt and White-Trash Dolemite gives Dawson a bit of leeway . . . for the time being. Dawson, looking to drum up the money to pay off White-Trash Dolemite, visits with underwear-clad Fred Savage – seriously, did this movie have a product-placement deal with Hanes or something? – who's busy performing a soliloquy while lying in bed and shooting smack. Not to worry, though, as Fred Savage isn't another failed child-star tragedy; he's just a good, old-fashioned jazzman as, after the horse starts galloping, he jams on the licorice stick for Dawson's pleasure.

NB: That actually isn't a dirty joke; Fred Savage is merely playing the clarinet. Perverts.

Or not, as Dawson makes time reverse once again and he ends up at a party where the Wicker Man burns. Once there, Dawson chats with Gay Boone about some random HOT CHICK and then they make a dinner date for the next evening. Dawson and Gay Boone, not Dawson and the random HOT CHICK. Meanwhile, in the background, the Wicker Man collapses and, more than likely, a few coeds die, which will of course lead to most colleges banning drinking or open flames of any kind. They're reactionary like that.

The next morning, Emo Chick wakes up bright and chipper and she's even unfazed when Jessica Biel mocks her. Dawson, conversely, stumbles out of bed and drops a deuce for my viewing pleasure. Because if there's one thing I've always wanted to see, it's Dawson Leery straining on the throne. Later, at a class building, Emo Chick visits a stoned, sleeping Eric Stoltz and, as he's unconscious, she steals his still-burning roach. On the way out of the building, she meets face-to-face with Dawson – who hopefully was sure to wipe and/or light a match – and he makes her all giddy for some reason. Probably because she's hopped up on goofballs. Perhaps proving my theory, she steals Dawson's sunglasses as, evidently, marijuana turns her into a kleptomaniac.

That evening, Gay Boone dances in a mirror while getting dressed for his big date with Dawson. Unfortunately for him, an attempted suicide kills his buzz . . . no pun intended. After Gay Boone is summoned by his big gay crew, they argue while escorting the afflicted party – Jay Baruchel from Undeclared and Knocked Up – to the hospital. Once at the hospital, Paul Williams shows up to save the day . . . or not, as he – for some reason – declares the kid dead-on-arrival, which somehow shocks the not-dead kid back to life . . . even though Gay Boone knew he was fine all along, perhaps thanks to his existential abilities.

Meanwhile, Jessica Biel feels herself up in her room and then she miscalculates condom statistics. Ah; I guess she's a liberal-arts major. Sweetly, though, she just wants the Emo Chick to loosen up a bit and enjoy college life, rather than sit around studying venereal diseases. Though the Emo Chick stays home, Jessica Biel ends up at a party where she has a little chat with Dawson, until Gay Boone breaks up the fun when he arrives to hit, clumsily, on Dawson. Dawson isn't quite receptive until, perhaps indicating a recurring theme, Gay Boone offers some weed; unfortunately, he doesn't mention that it's in exchange for anal sex.

Conveniently, just as Dawson leaves the party with Gay Boone, Emo Chick shows up and, perhaps to spite Dawson, Jessica tells her to hook up. Somehow, this leads to the Emo Chick meeting up with Eric Stoltz, who must love cruising the college parties looking for coed poontang. Eric Stoltz, zeroing in on Emo Chick's poontang in particular, invites her for some impromptu office hours; either that, or he just wants his roach back. As Emo Chick doesn't happen to be holding at the moment, Eric Stoltz settles for some making out and then a bit of knob hobbing. Because he's married, after all.

Over in Gay Boone's room, Dawson mulls over the Emo Chick while in a marijuana-fueled stupor. Meanwhile, Gay Boone stares at Dawson and he imagines making out with him . . . while he anticlimactically – and melodramatically – spanks it into a pillow in real life. The next morning, Dawson and Gay Boone watch porn together while Gay Boone talks with his mother on the phone. After Gay Boone hangs up, Dawson steals some of his CDs and then Gay Boone leaves for home on an old, decrepit bus while Dawson stares, unmoved. Mainly because he's too busy fantasizing about Emo Chick and lunch. I guess it's a combination of a stoner-boner and the munchies.

At his mailbox, Dawson picks up another letter while Jessica Biel and the Emo Chick snort some coke together and they discuss the nature of infatuation. Ah, there's nothing like the meandering debates brought on by rampant narcotic usage. Elsewhere, Dawson pounds one out while, in a hallway, a hacky-sack-kicking stoner answers a pay phone. It's just Gay Boone looking for Dawson; Dawson, perhaps upset that his little self-love session was rudely interrupted, thinks it's his older brother, Patrick Bateman. Supposedly, he's a real psycho. Gay Boone, not knowing just who this "Patrick" is, gets jealous . . . until some drunk guy (Russell Sams) and Faye Dunaway bust into the room. And, just in case things get out of hand, Faye Dunaway has Swoosie Kurtz there as backup.

While Faye Dunaway and Swoosie Kurtz drink and compare medications downstairs in the dining room, Gay Boone and Drunk Guy dance and strip to George Michael, just because that would be the gayest thing ever in the history of film. Up to that point, of course; this is before Brokeback Mountain, after all. After their little musical number, Gay Boone and Drunk Guy join Faye Dunaway and Swoosie Kurtz downstairs and they talk about Dick . . . which just so happens to be the Drunk Guy's real name. Perhaps as an act of sexual frustration due to all the Dick-talk, Drunk Guy has an embarrassing psychotic fit in the middle of the restaurant while Gay Boone soothes his ire with stereotypically pink champagne.

Back at a college party, naked HOT CHICKS dance in the background while Jessica Biel does more coke and Dawson mopes. Perhaps influenced by the fine Colombian coursing through her system, Jessica Biel takes the time to interfere in Dawson's love life, mainly by letting Dawson bone her while he imagines the Emo Chick. After the unrewarding session, Jessica Biel feels bad for her treachery, probably because BITCHES BE CRAZY! Meanwhile, in Dawson's mailbox, a letter – A LETTER! – actually gets its own soliloquy, pining while some random chick draws herself a bath and kills herself . . . or she's just bathing in cranberry juice.

Moments later, Emo Chick finds Dawson and Jessica Biel together and she freaks out; her hysteria is then compounded when she finds the dead random chick in the bath. The next day, everyone on campus is sad, even though it turns out – through some helpful flashbacks – that the random chick was stalking Dawson all along. Jessica Biel, over her slight remorse, mocks Dawson, who's trying to apologize to the Emo Chick; Dawson, shockingly, punches out Jessica Biel. Elsewhere, many, many men silently celebrate . . . but not too loudly, because I don't want to advocate violence toward women . . . even though she so totally deserved it. Mary Alice Stephenson would be proud.

After serving Jessica Biel a knuckle sandwich, Dawson mopes under a tent in his room and then he punches a jack o' lantern while answering a wrong number. The shock of having to deal with the wrong number somehow causes Dawson to wrap some telephone wire around his neck and tear a hole in the ceiling with his body weight. Dawson, perhaps in a bit of pain from his fall, takes some pills and cough medicine to soothe his wounds; sadly, they just add insult to injury as Dawson passes out and wakes up covered in urine. Hopefully it's his own and some drunken jock didn't bust into his room thinking it was the lavatory. Dawson, hopefully, cleans himself up and then he fakes his own death for the Emo Chick's amusement . . . but she is not amused.

Later that night, the Metrosexual Drama Major (Kip Pardue) recounts his recent tour of Europe in the span of a few minutes. Apparently, it's pretty easy to abridge as it's just sex, drugs, and famous buildings. Metrosexual Drama Major then hangs out with Dawson and some other guy (Thomas Ian Nicholas) in a diner; sadly, neither Mickey Rourke nor even Steve Guttenberg are there as well. After the Metrosexual Drama Major finishes his tale of carousing, Dawson confesses that he's madly in love with the virginal Emo Chick; meanwhile, the Other Guy just wants some coke. To that end, Dawson borrows the Other Guy's car to visit White-Trash Dolemite; unsurprisingly, things don't turn out so well as a brawl breaks out and then, back at the college, the Other Guy flips out regarding Dawson's antics.

In her room, Emo Chick throws a fit of heartbreak, but she's consoled when Jessica Biel shows up to tell her that the Metrosexual Drama Major is back in town. While Emo Chick stalks the campus on her way to visit Metrosexual Drama Major, Dawson tries to chat with her, but she's just not into him anymore now that her main squeeze is back in town. Geez . . . for a virgin, she sure is a slut. While the Emo Chick saunters away, snow falls on Dawson and he's sad. Unfortunately, the Emo Chick soon comes to feel that same emotion as, when she visits the Metrosexual Drama Major, he proclaims that he has amnesia . . . and then it's revealed that he's now bumping uglies with Jessica Biel. OK, really, movie! Just what does Jessica Biel have against the Emo Chick anyway? Perhaps she's just THE DEVIL! Iago would be proud.

In the school's amphitheater, Dawson drinks and mopes until Gay Boone shows up for a chat. Dawson isn't quite receptive to Gay Boone, so Gay Boone responds by pelting Dawson with a snowball . . . a big, gay snowball. But, thankfully, not in the Clerks sense. Dawson goes back to his now-empty mailbox and then, after Dawson stares at it for a few minutes, White-Trash Dolemite – who must've somehow gotten past campus security – arrives on the scene to pummel Dawson with a baseball bat. In the aftermath, Dawson ends up at the beginning of the movie and the party ends up a bad scene, so Dawson leaves. In the denouement, the Emo Chick and Gay Boone commiserate to discuss events while Dawson motors off to nowhere because he's a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.

Much like the characters therein, The Rules of Attraction comes off as too cool for its own good. Between the rampant internal monologues and wacky camera tricks – split screens, reversed action, etc., The Rules of Attraction reeks of cinematic pretension. Neither the characters nor the action have any dimension to it as everyone and everything seems like a stereotypical parody of normal life. Of course, that may be overall effect intended – as the "with it" critics inferred in their reviews – but the film takes itself so seriously that any darkly comedic effect feels unintended rather than subtle and sublime. In time, The Rules of Attraction could become a cult classic of its own, but only because people may come to see it as unintentionally hilarious and, as well, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as an adaptation of a classic French novel gets shoehorned into a prep school . . . but at least there are HOT CHICKS. See you then!