The Flux Capacitor 12.21.07: Week 13 - Christmas vs. Aliens

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 12.21.2007

The obligatory Christmas cash-in from everyone's favorite science fiction column, with a look at the greatest seasonal sci-fi movie ever made! Plus, all the latest from the world of SF.

Welcome to "The Flux Capacitor", the column that examines the past, present and future of the science fiction genre. I'm your host, Owain J. Brimfield, and this week I'm taking a slight departure from the usual format to concentrate on one of the premiere examples of holiday-flavored science fiction from cinema history. Later on I'll also discuss some of the latest SF news and see how it impacts on the genre. For now though, let's get the DeLorean on the road - this week's theme is:

CHRISTMAS

Hell yeah baby, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is by far and away the most enjoyable Christmas science fiction movie of all time. The birth of little baby Jebus and its accompanying celebrations is generally not a subject matter that seems to gel with the science fiction genre. Aside from the odd television special of varying quality (the Futurama episodes with John Goodman as the Santa robot were excellent, the Star Wars Holiday Special not so much, although I know many people have fond memories of that so I won't diss it), Christmas is rarely pushed to the forefront in science fiction. Thankfully, SCCTM is a wonderful exception to that rule.

Filmed in 1964, the film is an absolutely dreadful sci-fi B-movie of the very best kind, in which Martians kidnap Santa Claus and two random Earth sprogs, and whisk them away to Mars to provide Christmas cheer for the dour and depressed Martian children, who are in dire need of some happiness after so long spent watching Earth television and pining for a merry old Saint Nick of their own. I blame the Coca-Cola adverts. Originally consigned to the bargain bin of untimely demise when it was determined that featuring a pre-stardom Pia Zadora was no attraction when she hadn't yet become famous, the film was mercifully picked up by Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show that is single handedly responsible for rescuing many treasured SF B-movies that would have otherwise been undeservedly lost to history (see also: This Island Earth and Time Chasers). The episode of the show featuring the film is one of the more memorable in its entire run, and seems to have become a regular festive occurrence on the Comedy Central schedule, so the movie has since become something of a cult classic. And rightly so!

SCCTM (it's an unwieldy abbreviation admittedly, but I'm going to stick with it) opens on Mars, with the aforementioned saddened young Martians viewing a television interview from Earth, with none other than Father Chrimbo himself. The elder Martians are worried, because without joy and laughter Mars can never prosper! Or something. Anyway, they decide that the most viable solution to their problem is to dispatch a warship to Earth in an effort to kidnap Santa, bring him back to Mars and have him work his magic there. Of course, the Martians don't for a moment stop to consider the ramifications this would have on Earth's children, who are presumably more numerous - have they never heard of utilitarian morals? Apparently, they also didn't stop to consider that the kids might be feeling down due to being forced to wear wetsuits 24 hours a day and eat nothing but pills. But hey, never let minor details stand in the way of a good scheme, especially when some random old bloke who lives in a cave tells you you're doing the right thing.

So off go the Martians, led by Kimar, and upon landing confront two small children to demand Santa's whereabouts. The nippers rat Santa out, possibly with the expectation of some form of chocolatey reward, but are paid back only by being kidnapped (or "kidnaped" as the movie will later call it) themselves. Off to the North Pole we go, then, where the children escape from the Martian clutches and find themselves victim to the barren icelands of the Arctic waste... oh no, hang on, they just wander around a small cardboard set suffering no ill effects, confronting a polar bear before the Martians despatch the unstoppable force of Robot Frank to retrieve them. Frank duly does so, and then proceeds to invade Santa's workshop and lay waste to the surroundings, before Santa stops him in his tracks by... well, I'm not quite sure actually. It's pretty confusing. The best option I can think of is that Frank is fatally disheartened by Santa's jollity. Sadly, such dirty tricks don't work on the Martian hordes, who promptly swarm in and inform the beardmeister of his impending fate. The response? Another hearty belly laugh. Apparently Santa doesn't just make toys, he also makes hash brownies. Incidentally, the Earthicans apparently don't seem to mind a race of aliens kidnapping one of their most prominent public figures, because despite the incident being all over the news, no one raises a finger to assist.

So jolly old Kris Kringle is bundled off to Mars along with his infant compatriots, and after a few rather surreal scenes that pretty much involve him laughing at Martian children, who respond bemusedly in turn, he's plonked into a Martian-designed workshop, which consists of a giant machine that churns out toy cars and dolls at the press of a button. Way to credit Santa for his craftsmanship, lads. Of course, there has to be some sort of dramatic incident at some point in the movie (they almost had you fooled though), so the mustachio'd Martian Voldar - who, although I haven't mentioned him already, is the best thing about the film with his constant hatred for Santa - breaks in to the workshop and threatens to shoot beardface in cold blood. What happens next is pretty much indicative of the film's "what the hell, it doesn't have to make sense" ethos, as a hoard of children overwhelm Voldar and his disintegration ray with... silly string. Brutal. So anyway, at this point Santa has pretty much won over the hearts and minds of the rest of the Martianfolk, and before pausing briefly to assign Comedy Sidekick Martian the task of being Mars's very own Father Christmas, he reminds us of the spirit of the season (hint: it involves lots of laughing like a crack-addled maniac) and jets off back to the North Pole with the Earth kids - presumably destined to be subsumed into the elven race - and all is well with the world.

And there you have it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a gloriously silly triumphant mess of a movie, and is probably the pinnacle of "so bad it's good" entertainment. A perfect festive film for when the party winds down and the booze is still flowing thick and fast, it's undeniably funny in its MST3K version but you shouldn't turn down a chance to view the unedited original. If you only see one movie this Christmas, make sure it involves Santa battling aliens, demolishing robots and laughing himself a hernia. Ho ho ho!

Reactions and interactions

Thanks to 411's spanky new comments section, it's now easier than ever to dole out the verbal abuse to me if you're dissatisfied but too unmotivated to send me an email. Let's see what I can dig up from last week's column...

Posted By: Dirk
"Great column this week. I will admit that I was/am a huge mark for the Mad Max series (except the horrible Thunderdome). Knowing seems like it will be a great movie, so the string of "okay" films from Cage continues. Hey... it's better than the crap that some actors have been putting out."

It's a shame that Mel Gibson will probably never get to make the mooted fourth Mad Max movie Fury Road, which is a shame as it has a great title, and Gibson seems to have had somewhat of a cinematic resurgence since heading behind the camera (check out Apocalypto if you haven't already). A pity a great franchise has to live with Tina Turner providing its swansong. Cage does seem to have been following the curve of average-ness these past few years, and although I did quite enjoy God of War it'd be nice to see him pull a performance like Raising Arizona out of his bag once again.

Posted By: SurgeFilter
"I always love the tidbits at the end of your column and especially this week with the news on Knight Rider. On related news to your wish for a future Airwolf movie, at least they're re-releasing the official soundtrack for the Airwolf series in the next few weeks 'Airwolf Themes' via Pinnacle-Digital.com and Apple iTunes Store (full details at www.airwolfthemes.com). I've always loved the music from that show and it'll be a great Christmas present for me. So hopefully an Airwolf movie will happen in the future even though the original cast would be too old for cameos (saying that Ernie Borgnine achieving a Golden Globe nomination at 90-years-old this week for his role in the TV movie, 'A Grandpa For Christmas' makes you wonder). The guy's just absolutely amazing for his age."

Airwolf did have a cracking theme tune, didn't it? If you're a fan of the show, be sure to check out the following video on YouTube, which is slow to start but worth watching right to the end:



Given the number of 80s TV shows that seem to be enjoying cinematic reimaginings, I'm also quite optimistic that a proper Airwolf movie could happen. I'd like to see Thunder in Paradise first, though.


The Infosphere

Knocked Up co-star Jay Baruchel is in contention to play the villain in Justice League of America. There's no word on which villain role Baruchel might play, if the rumor is indeed true, but Maxwell Lord is reportedly the central villain of the story.

Having not yet had the chance to catch Knocked Up, I can't comment on Baruchel, but I was under the impression that casting was pretty much wrapped up. Ah well, it gives me more stuff to pad out this section of the column.

I Am Legend debuted #1 at the box office this weekend, earning $76.5 million. The film also had a huge per theater average with $21,224 per theater.

I'll admit this caught me by surprise; I was fully expecting Will Smith to turn in the caliber of performance he did, and I was also expecting that the adaptation wouldn't be as faithful as some would like, but I didn't really think it'd turn in such a great opening weekend. Good news all round here.

It appears that Emily Rossum (Poseidon), not Camila Sodi, will play Bulma in Dragonball Z. Chow Yun-Fat has also joined the cast of and will play Master Roshi. Roshi is an ancient martial arts master and a mighty, powerful warrior.

Having seen Rossum in action but not Sodi, at least this gives me a slightly better idea of what to expect from this film, as I really can't imagine what they're planning to do with it. And casting Chow Yun-Fat in that role? How completely unpredictable!!!!!!!!

Peter Jackson is set to produce a two-film adaptation of The Hobbit. Jackson and New Line Cinema have been at each other's throats for years, with New Line at one point vowing to not let Jackson be involved. Luckily for the fans now, the two sides have made up. Jackson will be the executive producer of both films. No director has been selected yet. Both films will be shot together. The hope is to have the first film out in 2010 with the second film out in 2011.

Awesome news, even if it strays slightly outside of the SF genre. Rumors have Sam Raimi as one of the forerunners to direct, and he would be a better choice than most. Remember that scene in the book where Bilbo was raped by a demonic tree? Oh wait...

Catherine Tate, who will co-star with David Tennant in the upcoming fourth season of the BBC's Doctor Who, suggested that it may be Tennant's last as the immortal Timelord. (courtesy of Sci Fi Wire)

If Tennant is leaving I wouldn't be surprised if Tate drove him away. Seriously, how annoying is that woman? This news coupled with the return of Billie Piper seems to suggest they're struggling for ideas, but we'll wait and see how it turns out.

Scott Peters, creator of USA Network's The 4400, announced on the show's official forum that the series has been canceled. (courtesy of Sci Fi Wire)

I've never caught the show sadly, but I thought it was a wonderfully original idea, and I suppose we should be thankful in the modern televisual climate that it was even given a chance beyond a first season.

Guillermo del Toro, who directed and co-wrote the upcoming Hellboy II: The Golden Army, has fashioned the follow-up so that it lays the groundwork for a possible sequel. But if there isn't a third film, the movie also effectively closes out the story. (courtesy of Sci Fi Wire)

Wasn't a big fan of the first Hellboy, although Ron Perlman is undeniably good in the lead role. My gut reaction would be one of surprise if a third film were to be made, but hell, stranger things have happened.


And finally…

As always, reader feedback and suggestions are welcome, I respond to everything so just drop me a line or leave a comment. You can also check out my column "The Wonder Years" over at 411 Games. Next week in "The Flux Capacitor" - tune in for the big blow-out review of the year, oh yeah! Until then - keep watching the skies.