Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.25.07: Epic Movie

Posted by Will Helm on 12.25.2007

…or, I’m Torn Between “EPIC FAIL” and “DO NOT WANT!” Damned LOLCatz.

Another year pretty much over and there's so many films to choose from for the Worst Film of the Year. There's been plenty of terrible horror films, from unneeded sequels of remakes to "re-imaginings," and plenty of dull flicks featuring the Skank Pack . . . which is sadly, at this point, just Lindsay Lohan. But, when it comes to the Worst Film of the Year, it always helps to look to the IMDB.com Bottom 100 for a little guidance, and, according to them, the Worst Film of the Year was . . . Who's Your Caddy?

OK, I didn't feel like doing that one, so what's next? Daddy Day Camp.

Ugh. Alright, alright . . . how about the next film? The Comebacks. Ah, thankfully I don't think that's on DVD yet, so it gets off on a technicality. Which sounds oddly . . . perverted.

Finally, at #62 resides a film from 2007 with a Misunderstood Masterpieces pedigree, as two of its predecessors are also enshrined in these pages: Not Another Teen Movie and Date Movie. So, because I didn't feel like doing Who's Your Caddy? or Daddy Day Camp – and because The Comebacks wasn't out on DVD yet – and because I knew it certainly would be a bad movie nonetheless, the Misunderstood Masterpieces Worst Film of 2007 is . . . Epic Movie. Is it worthy of the title? Let's find out!

Well, honestly, I can just end the column here because Epic Movie proves its worth in the first moments by opening with an introductory scrawl AND an expository monologue! I guess that's for the illiterates in the audience . . . which would explain how these movies make money. Ooh . . . burn. The monologue then goes off script to introduce some HOT CHICK running through the Louvre, who seems to be fake red-headed Ana Faris (Jayma Mays). The HOT CHICK finds almost dead David Carradine lying around in a leopard-print thong and then she's threatened by a black albino with a myriad of melee weapons. David Carradine gets up – since he's not yet dead; Monty Python would be proud – and busts a move for the HOT CHICK to relate an important message. After David Carradine finally dies, the HOT CHICK stares at the Mona Lisa and then she buys a candy bar and finds a golden ticket within. In the aftermath, the albino attacks a vending machine. Umm . . . yeah.

Elsewhere, Kumar (Kal Penn, since he'll always be known as Kumar, sadly) is served a dead cat by fake Jack Black in a Mexican orphanage. Fake Jack Black then starts dancing while dressed as a luchadore, which incites Kumar's deep desire to grapple. Fake Jack Black obliges by having a midget disguised as a little Mexican kid pummel Kumar. Somehow, in the midst of the brawl, Kumar steals some monk's golden ticket, continuing the film's preposterous conceit.

In a plane, a sassy "urban" girl (Faune Chambers) is flying to Namibia to be adopted by Brangelina . . . because all the main characters are orphans, after all. As if it wasn't obvious at this point. Anyway, rubber and CGI snakes – with a few real ones mixed in – invade the plane from out of nowhere, until fake Samuel L. Jackson (James Walker, Sr.) shows up to repeat his catchphrase over and over again. Then, he solves the problem of the snakes on the plane by throwing the "urban" girl out the window of the plane – without endangering any of the other passengers. Meanwhile, on Rodeo Drive, fake Paris Hilton (Alla Petrou) saunters out of a boutique to say her catchphrase before the "urban" girl lands on her . . . and steals her golden ticket.

Finally, in a rather familiar school for mutants, some blonde guy (Adam Campbell, last seen in Date Movie) watches blue Carmen Electra chat with The Hills' Lauren Conrad in the hallway. Sigh . . . why do I know who Lauren Conrad is? And why do I lament the fact that Whitney isn't there with them to make funny reacting faces, since that's the only thing she's good at? Anyway, while the blonde guy gawks, the fake X-Men show up because they're the school's cool kids . . . even though I always thought they were half instructors and half students. Eh, whatever, Epic Movie; I'm not in the mood to argue comic-book dogma. Anyway, after a bit of mocking from fake Wolverine, the blond guy strips off his shirt to reveal some domination gear underneath . . . and a set of chicken wings! Dum-dum-DUMB! Fake Magneto shows up to break up the fun . . . and then mock the blonde guy as well. Somehow, through this convoluted series of events, the blonde guy gets his own golden ticket anyway.

The four main characters finally cash in their golden tickets when they go to a giant factory to see Willy McFly (Crispin Glover). The factory, unsurprisingly, is staffed by midgets, but Kumar gets an unpleasant surprise when he mistakes feces for chocolate in Willy's fantasyland. Somehow, the scene turns sinister – for no particular reason – when Willy reveals that his grand scheme is to turn the orphans into candy and, to that end, a musical number breaks out because they orphans may very well be "Fergalicious." In the ensuing scenes, Kumar loses his . . . walnuts, while the "urban" chick is beheaded. Somehow, thankfully, her head grows back so she can continue the movie. She's tough; she's a hockey player. Don Cherry would be proud.

After being slightly dismembered – and then somehow regenerating their lost parts . . . though I'm not quite sure – and don't want to know – about Kumar, the orphans get to know each other and fight a bit, because that's funny. Through the helpful nature of this tableau, each of the main characters reveals their particular idiom: the HOT CHICK is dumb, the "urban" chick is tough, Kumar is sarcastic, and the blonde guy is a wimp. Thanks for clearing that up, movie!

After the brief introductions, Willy McFly goes looking for the orphans, so the HOT CHICK wanders around the house and she finds – and opens – a wardrobe, which buries her in a pile of junk. After extricating herself from the hill of detritus, the HOT CHICK goes into the wardrobe and gets lost in a veritable sea of fur coats, before she's beaten with tree limbs. The HOT CHICK survives the tree limbs and she wanders around in the snow – in a little sundress but, remarkably, not dying of hypothermia – until she finds a pole, which she polishes with her tongue. Like Flick before her, the HOT CHICK finds that her tongue sticks to the frigid pole – perhaps she should've practiced beforehand on some lucky guy – so she cuts most of her tongue off with a convenient axe that just happened to appear in her hand.

While the HOT CHICK's tongue grows back – much to the relief of any and all guys in the film, she meets a helpful satyr (Hector Jimenez) who is blessed with the awesome power of exposition. Which makes sense, since he's also Gnarnia's – har, har – resident tour guide, apparently. Anyway, the helpful satyr takes the HOT CHICK back to his crib – which segues to a fake episode of MTV's Cribs about five years after it was at all relevant – where the film sets up a few good jokes and then kills them dead through a lack of subtlety. Way to go, Epic Movie!

After the parody of Cribs concludes, the helpful satyr, rather than find out just how good the HOT CHICK's pole licking skills are, throws her out of his house for her own protection, but he does give her a camera as a parting gift. It just has to have X-rated pictures on it . . . or him doing stereotypical MySpace photos. Actually, the camera contains neither; it just has a video of the helpful satyr providing yet more exposition. Apparently, there is a crazy "white bitch" plaguing Gnarnia with her evil and the HOT CHICK and her cohorts are supposed to overthrow her. And here I though the orphans were going to drive around in a multicolored bus performing ingratiating pop songs for the masses. Then again, I guess the Partridge family wasn't really made up of orphans . . . even though none of them looked at all related. Mrs. Partridge obviously got around.

Meanwhile, back at Willy McFly's, Kumar enters the wardrobe and, after the fur coats and beatings with tree limbs, he enters Gnarnia and meets a midget draft racer (obligatory "Blank" Movie stalwart Tony Cox) and his mistress, Stifler's mom (Jennifer Coolidge). Irony probably not realized by the viewers of Epic Movie: in American Pie, it was Kal Penn's partner-in-film, John Cho, who first christened Stifler's mom a "M.I.L.F." Kumar, meanwhile, proves that the makers of the film were aware of this irony as he does, in fact, refer to Stifler's mom as a "M.I.L.F." . . . though I suppose she'd be more of a "cougar" in this situation. Anyway, Stifler's mom endears herself to Kumar by shooting the midget and then making a "40" appear out of thin air. Then, she turns up the heat – in the middle of a blizzard – by sucking on Kumar's finger and asking for the other orphans. Ooh . . . kinky. Then, just to kill the subtlety, she shows Kumar her literal White Castle; Kumar, to his credit, tries his damnest to save the joke, but it's beyond hope . . . which just seems to be a microcosm for the movie.

After his meeting with Stifler's mom, Kumar runs into the other orphans, who have helpfully gone into the wardrobe, saving the film from having to repeat the same scene over and over. The HOT CHICK tries to explain just what's going on, but, being dumb as per her particular idiom, she suffers an EPIC FAIL! Luckily, at the helpful satyr's now ransacked crib, the orphans meet with a talking beaver (Katt Williams, who was hopefully paid well for this role), who's not just the satyr's "boyfriend," but also another helpful bearer of exposition. During his monologue, the beaver reveals that not only are the orphans siblings, the blonde one may or may not have been Superman . . . until he was shot in the eye by some miscreant. To prove the orphans' shared parentage, the HOT CHICK does something useful when she spies all of the orphans hiding in "The Last Supper." Wow . . . it's like Where's Waldo? for urbane retards. Oh, and just in case there were any doubters, their birth certificates are hidden inside a plot device . . . I mean "Cryptex."

While the other orphans deliberate, Kumar breaks away to go see Stifler's mom; I guess his "walnuts" did grow back after all. Once at her OTHER white castle, Stifler's mom has her midget beat Kumar with a baseball bat for no particular reason and then she hypnotizes him with her exposed breasts, making him divulge important information. Then, just to add annoyance to injury, fake Ashton Kutcher pops out of nowhere, but, thankfully, Kumar regains his constitution and throttles fake Ashton Kutcher into submission. After sentencing Kumar to prison – perhaps for beating fake Ashton Kutcher to a pulp, Stifler's mom calls for the albino and she tells him to find the other orphans . . . and then she paddles him like a randy priest with an altar boy.

I think that raises my "Goin' to Hell" score by a few points. Oh well.

The other orphans and the beaver, meanwhile, find the helpful satyr in the woods; the helpful satyr and the beaver make out . . . which sounds like something one would see on a German porn site. Then, the helpful satyr, yet again as per HIS particular idiom, provides a bit more exposition as, before the orphans meet with the leader of the rebellion against Stifler's mom, they have to train. The albino, sadly, breaks up the party, and the helpful satyr stays behind to fend him off . . . and get shot multiple times in the process. The orphans, meanwhile, cruelly ignore his cries for help because they think it's some sort of test of will or something else important sounding like that.

The orphans end up at a school of magic in the middle of nowhere, where The Kids in the Hall's Kevin McDonald portrays fake Harry Potter, hopefully just because he was bored. He is "Throwdini," after all. Anyway, middle-aged fake Harry Potter – as well as his cohorts, balding fake Ron "Bilmey, Harry" Weasley and pregnant fake Hermione Granger – teach the orphans the ways of the Force or whatever during an overly – yet thankfully – short training montage. Meanwhile, the albino IM's Stifler's mom on MySpace and reveals that the orphans are still on the loose. Stifler's mom vents her anger, unsurprisingly, on the midget.

In the castle's jail, Kumar finds Captain Jack Swallows (a very unrecognizable Darrell Hammond), a parody of . . . well, it's pretty obvious. Anyway, as part of a grand scheme to escape their bonds, Captain Jack stabs Kumar and then, while Kumar recovers remarkably quickly, they stage a JAILBREAK! AC/DC is, after a long while of waiting, proud once more! In the aftermath of their escape, Kumar becomes a pirate under the tutelage of Captain Jack – no word on whether or not they're going to a special island – and then Captain Jack starts rapping about the pirate's life. Sadly, he doesn't say "yo-ho!" – because that would've been a great gag far above the level of Epic Movie – to beckon some HOT CHICKS, but they appear anyway to add some feminine wiles to the proceedings. Stifler's mom, sadly, shows up to end the fun by capturing Kumar and killing Captain Jack – who swerved Kumar all along, but suffered a double-swerve at the hands of Stifler's mom – and then she proclaims that she wants REVENGE while revealing her evil plot . . . which she stole from Superman Returns.

Meanwhile, the other orphans, now festooned in fantasy garb, stumble upon a Renaissance Faire . . . featuring fake James Bond, blue Chewbacca, and fake Borat. Because when I think "Renaissance Faire," I think "James Bond and a Wookie in Kazakhstan." Anyway, the orphans make their way to the tent of the resistance's leader: hairy Fred Willard! Dum-dum-DUM? Not only his he a great hero, he's also a cynical, drunken playboy. Well, now that explains why James Bond was there. Back in the white castle, Kumar ends up locked up with fake Mel Gibson, but, before any anti-Semitism can break out, the other orphans show up to rescue Kumar. While another JAILBREAK . . . breaks out, hairy Fred Willard fights and slays the albino – and, during the brawl, he turns into an Asian guy . . . where have I seen that before? After the orphans get away, Stifler's mom shows up to kill hairy Fred Willard, just because she can.

Back at the Ren-Fest, the beaver mourns hairy Fred Willard, so, in the aftermath, everyone – including the fake X-Men, which is a totally unconceivable development as they would have no way of 1) getting into Willy McFly's factory and 2) knowing that the orphans were actually inside the wardrobe. As sure death probably awaits the heroes the next day, they all elect to throw a party that night, where the Eagles of Death Metal play and the "urban" chick chugs beer. The blonde guy, meanwhile, flirts with blue Carmen Electra – I guess that's what happens after Prince, Dennis Rodman, and Dave Navarro. Anyway, while the "urban" chick projectile vomits all over her allies, the blonde guy risks his health and gets it on with blue Carmen Electra . . . who he orders to turn into a disturbingly portly woman.

The next morning, the four orphans, abandoned by their presumably vomit-covered allies, face Stifler's mom and her army alone. The blonde guy, bucking his particular idiom, doesn't turn chicken after all and he actually rallies his siblings. Before the battle can begin, Captain Jack returns from the dead to face off with Stifler's mom, who somehow grows tentacles on her face. OK, Epic Movie, that's just laying it on a bit too thick. Subtlety, kids . . . subtlety. Anyway, after tentacle-faced Stifler's mom hits the turntables for no apparent reason, she throws her face-octopus at Captain Jack, subduing him. Then, moments after the battle begins in earnest, three of the orphans are sort of killed – the HOT CHICK, the "urban" chick, and Kumar, specifically – so the blonde guy rescues his siblings by finding a magical remote control on the ground and pressing "pause."

After the blonde guy watches a HOT CHICK and a fat guy jog by in slow motion, he heals his siblings' wounds and then, while Stifler's mom's troops are paused, they slay them unmercifully. With the battle won, the blonde guy declares that Stifler's mom will be tried in a just court of law . . . just as Captain Jack shows up to crush her with his giant wheel thing. Anyway, as a denouement, the beaver introduces the orphans as the new rulers of Gnarnia and they get old. While once again in the snowy forest . . . urinating, the orphans find the fur coats once more and they go back through the wardrobe. Back at Willy McFly's, the now-young orphans find fake Borat waiting for them and then they're run over by Captain Jack, which only makes them the butt of Borat's final joke . . . which happens to be his butt. Thankfully, the movie does close with bloopers that are far funnier than most, if not all, gags in the movie! Way to go, Epic Movie!

So another year comes to a close and, for the second year in a row, one of the "Blank" Movie series was one of the worst, if not the worst. Though Not Another Teen Movie did show some of this quality, it's obvious that the brain trust behind this franchise still have yet to really grasp subtlety. More than a few times during the course of Epic Movie, I found myself nearly laughing, only to groan or be disgusted after the subtly humorous joke that was set up was either overdone or totally negated. For example, during the Cribs sequence, the helpful satyr reveals that he has a flat-screen TV inside the bowl of his toilet. That's funny . . . until he urinates on it. Unneeded. Seriously. Although I have to give kudos to Kal Penn, who, throughout the film, tries his damnedest to rescue it; sadly, it isn't enough to resuscitate Epic Movie, but it is enough to make it a Misunderstood Masterpiece and the Worst Film of 2007!

Join me next week as I kick off the new year by going on a sea cruise. See you then!