I'm Not Gonna Lie 12.30.07: Who's Your Daddy?

Posted by Nick Wallander on 12.30.2007

With 2007 coming to an end, there is no better way to end the year than with New Year's resolutions, Spears' family drama, and Nick Wallander's favorite movie of the year!

I'm not gonna lie…



Oh 2007, what an amazing year it was, right? We had all kinds of excitement, surprises, mayhem, tomfoolery, mishaps, and celebrity "exposure". There was basically too much to handle. Yet, here we all are today, still standing as strong as ever. In retrospect, 2007 was at best just an okay year. Let's be honest for a minute. We have had way better years. Right? That can only mean that 2008 is going to be that much better. However, for that to happen, one would need to have a shit ton of New Year's resolutions to break. Have you made your list? I know I have and I am about to share the list with you.

My New Year's Resolutions…that were made specifically to be broken.

1.) GET PLENTY OF EXERCISE. This is an obvious one, folks. Like most of America, I am tubby and out of shape. Basically that means that I will have to give up the wonders of television, movies, video games, DVDs, and the internet. Honestly, those aren't all that great anyways. It is not like I even cared that much for "Lost" or "Mario Party 8". It is not like they are thrilling and stimulating or anything like that. Also, those writers aren't ending their strike anytime soon. You won't find me immediately running back to the television when all kinds of new material airs.

2.) STOP WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITY SHENANIGANS. I am pretty much ashamed of myself this year. I wrote about a lot of utter shit, didn't I? Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears really weren't worth my time nor yours, yet I still wrote about them. Who cares who they slept with or what one of them does with their kids in the car? There is nothing entertaining about meltdowns and train wrecks. Hell, all those pop princess diva types are probably making resolutions to clean up their acts, so there won't be anything to write about, even if I wanted to. I am serious about this one. Even if Britney's kids are caught smoking cigarettes next to the gas pumps at a Citgo, I probably won't touch the story. Hell, I don't even think Paris felaciatiing a baboon could get me to bite. Trust me, guys. 2008 is going to be a skank free year in this column.

3.) DON'T WATCH/RENT MOVIES JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE HORRIBLE. I was really guilty of this one in 2007. Let me go through a list for you. There was "Who's Your Caddy", "The Messengers", "Epic Movie", "Dead Silence", "The Cookout", "I Know Who Killed Me", "Evan Almighty", and "House of the Dead 2" among a score of others. Sure I thought that they were guilty pleasures, but the truth is that I really must not have had anything better to do. Seriously, though, what was a guy supposed to do? Read a book? Help the homeless? Walk to cure some disease? Let's be honest folks, I was pretty much going to waste two hours of my life regardless of what I did, so I might as well have done so with style. 2008 will be different. I have no need to see "Alvin and the Chipmunks" or "Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem" in the budget theaters or on DVD. It is not like their pure horrible nature gives me material to write about or anything like that. Instead I think I am just going to do more of that exercise stuff and maybe I will also become a big brother for an underprivileged illegal immigrant kid that needs help with reading. Yeah, I think that is my best option.

4.) STOP WATCHING PORN. It really isn't all that great anyways. Sure it can relieve a little stress or get a few laughs, but it is not everything it is cracked up to be. You all know what I am talking about. None of you really enjoy putting that IcyHot on your wrists in the morning.

5.) BOYCOTT REALITY TELEVISION. I can't let this writers' strike get to me. If I cave in then I will be as bad as all the other mindless people. Not to mention that the networks win a little every time I tune into "American Idol" to see this year's Sanjaya. It isn't like there is anything fun like "The Surreal Life" coming up on reality TV. Oh, shit, there is? And Macho Man Randy Savage will be on this year's cast? Okay, so maybe that is a ticking time bomb that I can't miss. However, all that other reality television with all their ridiculous drama, eccentric characters, and controversy will have no place in my television schedule.

(I know I shouldn't need to note this, but the list you just did was full of satire, cynicism, and sarcasm. Sure, it was obvious to 99.9% of you, but stupid people also read this column, so it is only fair to help them get the joke as well.)

Some of this week's news….

Who's Your Daddy?

Earlier this week internet gossip mogul Perez Hilton reported that the father of Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn child may not be 18 year old Casey Aldridge. That really may not be all that surprising considering we are talking about a member of the Spears' family here. One would have to speculate that it could be any number of people below the Mason-Dixon line. What is surprising however is that the real father may be another older man….one far older than Mr. Aldridge. Now I know I was going to try my best to avoid writing anything else about this, but things really got interesting.

Word on the net is that this man is a Nickelodeon executive for Spears' show "Zoey 101". This muddies up the situation because the man is apparently more than two years older than Jamie Lynn, which means the state of Louisiana may want to speak with him. The real saucy bit about all this nonsense is the implications that the Spears family may be paying Casey Aldridge to be the fall guy because he isn't at the required "statch" age difference. Hmmm. This is better than some shit off of a soap opera. As intriguing as this shit sounds, I have to doubt its legitimacy. Okay, well, I doubt the part about the older man, but I do doubt that the Spears family has the brainpower to pay a man off as a public relations move. They never really seemed to care about their picture perfect image, now did they?

My money is on Nickelodeon being involved in some conspiracy here. They will take the biggest blow to their reputation.

The most shocking entertainment news this year was…wait a minute? WHAT?

People Magazine recently posted an online article indicating their picks for the most shocking entertainment story of the year. Coming in at number three was the Chris Benoit murder-suicide was Rosie O'Donnell quitting "The View" being the runner up. So, what did People Magazine indicate was the most shocking news bit of the year? Well, that would of course be the head shaving that Britney Spears had done back in February. Something seems a little wrong about their priorities for shocking. First of all, when a skank shaves her head, it should never be more shocking than a murder of a child. I don't care who does it, not even Hilary Clinton's shaved head is more shocking than an innocent 8 year old boy being suffocated by a man we'd never expect to do that. Secondly, what was all that shocking about Britney shaving her head? She really wasn't what I'd call mentally stable leading up to that moment. I would have been less shocked if she had murdered her son. Yeah, that is a horrible thing to say, but you probably should think about it.

Oh and Rosie quitting was not shocking, it was just inevitable.

She never ceases to bring us some news….

Guess whose nude photos are about to breach the internet? Yes, it would be Lindsay Lohan. Lohan's ex Riley Giles supposedly has possession of these pictures. He even released some teaser photos (we posted them a couple days ago). Well, Mr. Giles, you are an unoriginal bastard. Vanessa Hudgen's bitter and untrustworthy ex-boyfriend did the whole "release the nude picture" thing months ago.

However, if any of you happen to find these, send me the link.

Quick Hits

- The Sun UK is reporting that "Heroes" stars Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere are dating. Okay, that is all legal and cool, however one has to get a little case of the creepies. Not because he has a few years on her, but more because of the fact that Milo plays Hayden's uncle on "Heroes". Yeah, I know that their acting jobs have no link to reality, but try to tell me that you won't say "ewww" in your head the next time Claire Bennett spouts some line like "Thanks Uncle Peter!"

- Dr. Phil McGraw made some bold statements to People Magazine recently. His exact words were: We know the Spears family, particularly the parents, an asset that Britney and Jamie Lynn both have is a great and dedicated mother.

Dr. Phil is a jackass. But nice try, buddy. Sometimes having a drastically different opinion than the public gets you some media attention! However, a small blurb in this column doesn't count worth shit.

- On Christmas night I saw a little movie called "Juno". The movie isn't what I would call main stream, yet the Green Bay movie theater was full. I am fairly certain that is because most of the people there weren't able to get a seat to see "Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem." Have any of you seen AvP:R? I am curious to hear the opinion of someone other than a regular movie critic. My expectations for this one are not very high, especially after seeing the first one in the theater where a man stood up before the end of the movie, ripped up his free movie poster, threw it in the air, and walked out.

Getting back to "Juno", I need to commend this film. I am willing to go out on a limb and say it was the best movie I had seen all year. It would have been on last week's list had I seen it yet. The writing was real sharp and intelligent, the cast was near perfect, and it was very original. Also, I am probably a little bit in love with Ellen Page after seeing this, but only if she is nothing like her character from "Hard Candy". I am even contemplating some light stalking of her. Some of you might have some good advise for me on that, so feel free to email that too.

- The New England Patriots went 16-0 in the regular season. Well, that's great. What will be better is how meaningless that will be when they have to face the Jaguars in the playoffs. Although I am hoping my Packers can be the team to knock them off their pedestal.

- Will Smith said some controversial crap about Hitler. Gee, that is convenient seeing as he a movie in theaters.


That wraps up this week, this month, and this year, folks. Thank you very much for reading my garbage in 2007 and I hope to spew out another 52 columns for you in 2008. It has been a great experience thus far and I really appreciate your feedback and comments. Have a happy and safe new year. Down a few for me.