A Fool's Utopia 12.30.07: The Year They Call 2007

Posted by Ron Martin on 12.30.2007

This week in one man's utopia we look back at 2007, I give Journeyman a second chance, Christmas woe and two (count 'em - two!) American Gladiator videos!

It's a weird time of the year. Christmas has come and gone, New Year's lies ahead. You have played with your Christmas toys and are preparing for the drunken stupor that awaits, but in the meantime you have to work like three days. Three long, boring days that I consider lost days. When you were a kid, these were the best of times as you would play with all the toys Santa brought you with reckless abandon. School was just an afterthought for a week. Now you sit there with the Christmas lights on the tree lit, but it somehow seems wrong. You lie back on the sofa with one hand firmly tucked into the waistband of your pants and reflect on the year that was. Let's take a look, shall we?

The year can probably be best described in threes. It was a great year for trilogies as the franchises for Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek, Ocean's 11 and Spiderman all hit box office gold with the third movies in their respective series. Somewhere forgotten was another Harry Potter movie.



Shia LeBeouf staked his claim to three with a trilogy of movies. The terrible, yet moneymaking Transformers; the better than expected Disturbia and the completely forgotten Surf's Up. I do think he has to be careful so as not to overexpose himself. The American public in general may not be the most tasteful or intelligent bunch, but they will turn on you in a flat second. Just ask Ben Affleck.

So far as movies go, 27 reached the mythical $100 million dollar mark. As always, action movies accounted for 12 of the 27 as well as 6 of the top 10. People like to see things go boom because they don't have to think, just look at the pretty pictures. I would like to note that despite Hollywood over emphasizing T&A, not a single movie in the top 10 was driven by the T&A factor. You really don't see that come into play until #15 Rise of the Silver Surfer and Jessica Alba.

Alas, it did nothing to diminish the public's obsession with talentless airhead who live on the Earth only to suck in the oxygen that could be used by people more worthy. Not a day went by when we didn't get some story of Paris Hilton (why is she famous?), Lindsey Lohan (and she made someone money when?) or Britney Spears (the ultimate proof that the recording industry can take anyone regardless of talent and turn them into a star) shenanigans. Britney went to club and got all drunk and stuff and flashed everyone her cooter last night! Oh yeah, and some presidential candidates did some stuff and I am sure some people died over in Iraq. THIS IS CNN!



TV was a pleasant surprise as this was a particularly strong crop of new shows this fall season. Leading the way is Pushing Daisies which looked good from day one. Chuck and Life hit strides as expected. Reaper caught me by surprise as my favorite new show of the season. Big Bang Theorycame into its own after a shaky start. Much to my chagrin Dirty Sexy Money and Moonlight seem to be doing well. NBC even shot a little Viagra into its Thursday night lineup. The old Must See TV is showing a little life with a fresh lineup. Between NBC Thursdays, How I Met Your Mother, Two and Half Men and Big Bang Theory, the sitcom is trying to show a little life.

Digital media is taking over. I bought only one CD this year and that's because it was on sale for like $5. Everything else I downloaded. If I see something I want to buy in a store, the first thought that pops into my head is "Can I get this for cheaper online?" The scarier part is that the answer is usually yes. I didn't record a single thing on my VCR all year long. Podcasts have made their mark against traditional radio. Through podcasting just about anyone can get their message out there on any topic they want. Someone will listen, right? Usually that someone is me. Just when you are getting into the topic, the person making the podcasts just stop making them, frustrating you to no end.

Here are some quick hits for 2007:

Best Moment: Colts win the Super Bowl
Biggest Surprise: Billy Bob Thornton continues to get work
Biggest Disappointment: Me getting hopelessly addicted to Charm School
Best TV Moment: Jay Leno goes off the air because of the writers strike
Worst TV Moment: Every other night Jay Leno was on the air
Best Movie I Saw: The Mist
Worst Movie I Saw: Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Comeback of the Year: Nappy Headed Hos everywhere
Webclip of the Year: The Hoff blitzed while eating a burger off the floor
Cartoon of the Year: South Park
Most Overmarketted Character of the Year: Tie between Shrek and Spongebob
Video Game of the Year: I wouldn't know. I am always at least a year behind on video games. I'm still playing Final Fantasy XII
Sex Tape of the Year: Amy Fisher. Damn, she grew up nice.


If I'm making a Best of 2007 CD, I'm burning the following tracks:

1. The Final Showdown Tenacious D
2. Radio Nowhere Bruce Springsteen
3. How Far We Come Matchbox 20
4. Someday John Mellencamp
5. Hold On KT Tunstell
6. 1234 Feist
7. Hard Sun Eddie Veddar
8. Into the Night Santana feat. Chad Kroeger

That's why I don't write for the music section.

-- Christmas really came and went, didn't it? I barely had time to hang the stockings by the chimney with care before St. Nicholas as hauling his fatass away from my house. It just didn't feel very Christmassy to me this year. Maybe it was the lack of snow, maybe it was the fact that I'm old so it's harder to catch that Christmas magic in the eggnog filled bottle who knows? I didn't get to watch as the Christmas movies I was looking forward to. I did buy Miracle on 34th Street but haven't gotten around to watching it yet. I couldn't find any local station playing It's a Wonderful Life to DVR it at all. Hell, I didn't even get a chance to watch It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas or A Charlie Brown Christmas. Guess it's going to be Christmas in January again this year.

-- Ah, January. A month that brings fresh hope into our stale and putrid lives. We convince ourselves that the previous year's failures will all be wiped out and we will turn into the solid, productive citizen that we have always thought we could be just by the turn of one day into the next. Most importantly, it's time for midseason replacements! We will shed the networks of shows that just didn't work out for one reason or another and supply the television watching public with a whole new slate of nonsensical shows that they won't watch. Just so you know what's coming, be prepared for about a gazillion Sex and the City ripoffs. Don't rip your nipples off, there is some good stuff coming too. Miss Guided has potential – give it a few episodes to see the direction it's going in. I know I suggested The Return of Jezebel James, but I think that's my Parker Posey bias talking. This thing has been set up to fail. I don't think it's going to be around long. The Sarah Conner Chronicles is promising. Even though the premise isn't that great and I probably won't watch an episode, it's good to see Michelle Trachtenberg working again on The Hill. I've always thought she was an underrated actress. That's all good, but we know what you are waiting for. What I am waiting for. The reality competition that hits your living room so hard it makes your grandmamma blush. The surefire ratings destroyer…



- One thing I did learn this past Christmas season was never download Christmas songs by good singers. I tried downloading some Christmas carols for the old ipod. So when names like Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey and Joss Stone came up, I jumped on them thinking they would be superfantastic! Note to Chris Aguilera: When I download Silent Night, I want to hear the words to Silent Night sung well. What I don't want to hear is you showing off your vocal range after every single sentence. I don't understand why good singers think they need to show off by doing that throaty range stuff all the time. We know you're good singers, that's why we buy your crap. Save the throaty range stuff for the bedroom!

-- Get in the closet and pull down the Colecovision, find your CD player that plays only one CD and watch a Monday Night Football game that matters because I think it's about time to get RETRO! What do you think?

When you are as strange as I am, you tend to get strange things for Christmas. However, since you are strange yourself, you appreciate them quite a bit. It is with great pleasure that I share one of my Christmas gifts with you. I opened what I was sure was a small calendar from the woman only to find this…



That's right! Pac-Man and the Ghost Diggers. This book from 1983 follows the story of a young Pac-Man with his younger Pac-Child running away from ghosts. The ghosts have a plan though because that's what ghosts do, they plan. They chase Pac-Man home and decide to borough underneath his house, come up through the basement and feast on breast shaped yellow beings until their bellies are full. There's one thing they didn't take into consideration, however. Pac-Man has prime Oceanside real estate. The ghosts dig too far and are drowned out by all the power the ocean can muster. I know. I was shocked, yet relieved by the ending as well. The best part of the book comes with the mazes. Being in Pac Land, Pac-Man has to maneuver through no less than three mazes to get home, much to the chagrin of the very tired Pac-Baby. Why is it the best part? Because the publishers have demanded that you help Pac-Man by…tracing your finger! Do not dare take a pencil to this maze or the ghosts will chomp you and then Pac-Baby will come to your house and shit power pellets on your cat.

Mentioned above was the new version of American Gladiators. When I first heard the news of this show, I rolled my eyes and thought that the networks were really scraping the bottom of the barrel. As I watch the commercials, I'm sort of getting into it. Dare I say I will be watching that first episode on January 6th (assuming it coincides with either no NFL playoff games or a Patriots game which I refuse to watch anyways). I'll be watching with the wide eyes of an innocent, but in the back of my head, I'm going to really be making a list and checking it twice. Can these gladiators even sniff the jocks of the gladiators of old?



That's right – NITRO bitch! Nobody messes with Nitro! To play with Nitro it to play with a lit stick of dynamite, brotha! Nitro was my favorite. Does it show? For some strange reason I also had this bizarre attraction to Zap even though it looked as if she could beat me in a dick swinging contest. I don't know why, but I would have been willing to take a donkey punch from Zap.



Even her action figure is tougher than me! Later in the series, there would be another female gladiator that would make me feel funny at night….Diamond.




I know the old gladiators are well into their 40s now, but they could still kick Hulk Hogan's ass. He'd better not ruin the show for me.




-- I was going to write about this last week and with the Christmas season upon us, it slipped my mind. I did give Journeyman a second look. I watch an episode a couple of weeks ago to see if it turned out any better than it looked. The answer is…kind of. The previews for the show (even the extended sneak peeks) didn't really help the show out as they left the show looking like a meatless cookie cutter show when it's not. Apparently, Dan can control his traveling through time, but sometimes he can't. Through all the places in all the times, he and his ex-girlfriend manage to jump to the same places most of the time. I can overlook that. I just watched this one episode, there may be an explanation for that. In this episode Dan accidentally leaves a digital camera in the past that drastically changes the future (almost, he still is married to the same woman and has the same job, only he has a daughter now instead of a son). Somehow the episode manages to skip over the fact that by he just magically appearing in the back of a Winnebago to save a mom and her son. You don't think that would alter the timeline? Maybe the kid believes in angels now and it takes him down a different path. That's all it takes and something is different. I still think the acting is overdramatic and soap operish. I don't think it's as bad as I originally thought. I wouldn't watch it regularly, but it's not a cancer on my television either.

Now, I know a lot of you probably got an ipod or some form of an MP3 player for Christmas. You want to fill it up with quality podcasts I'm sure. Podcast you should try out that are currently on my ipod: The Classic Tales podcast, Ghostly Talk, History According to Bob, Hometown Tales, Keith and the Girl, Movies You Should See, The Muppetcast, My History Can Beat Up Your Politics, Mysterious Universe, Stuck in the 80s. Your welcome.

I must leave you know.

Until next week, stay safe, stay cool, stay classy and ALWAYS wear underwear!