I'm Not Gonna Lie: 01.13.08: We're Not on Strike!

Posted by Nick Wallander on 01.13.2008

With the writer’s strike in full force, one has to wonder how there could possibly be anything interesting to talk about. Well that won’t stop 411’s Nick Wallander as this week he brings you his commentary on “American Gladiators”, Miley Cyrus’s dirty little secret, and the return of Comedy Centrals talk shows.



When you live in Green Bay, Wisconsin it is very difficult to find the concentration to finish writing a column on the weekend of a home playoff game. This town is kind of rabid and quite possibly looking for blood right now. It is certainly an interesting sight to say the least. If the networks want to litter the airwaves with reality shows right now it might be a fun idea to film the ridiculousness that ensues in the Lambeau Field parking lot and Green Bay in January. The people up here are all kinds of crazy. You'd all enjoy making fun of us and our infinite pudginess.

Okay, well, that had nothing to do with what I normally write about. As far as my normal subject matter is concerned, we have a few diamonds in the rough this week. There was a little pop princess drama that didn't involve anybody named Britney, someone expunged some spawn from her uterus, and America proved that they still have no taste. My guess is that the staff over at "People Magazine" enjoyed some of these stories more than I did. It was the kind of crap that they like to throw on the front cover with the mini pictures of some star looking all fat and disgusting. I'm kind of a sucker for those magazines and end up peaking at them every time I am in line at the grocery store. It really does make me feel better about myself to see rich and famous people struggling with life. Really, that's all they're worth.

I can't promise you any monumental commentary this week because I am almost spent with writing this week. Why? Well, you can check out my contributions to several other features on 411 that include this week's 411 Movie's Fact or Fiction, Top Five, and the NFL Divisional Playoff Roundtable. As always, it was a blast contributing to other columns on the site and I look forward to doing so in the future.

I enjoy checking back on those pages to see all the hate comments you people leave the writers because they have different opinions than you. Sometimes those comments are a little funny. Other times they just seem a little trollish. Either way, they make for a good read. If you haven't already, you should take advantage of the comment feature on this site. Go on. I'll give you a minute right now to scroll down and leave one….

Done?

I hope you left something saucy about my mom or sister. Those never get old. Okay, so sometimes they get old, but they still aren't as bad as watching Jimmy Kimmel or Jay Leno struggle their way through a show without writers. Speaking of, let's just get right to the business.

This Week's Topics….

Stewart and Colbert Return Without Writers

On Monday evening both "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" returned to the airwaves on Comedy Central. However, they did not come back fully in tact because their writers are on strike, which is something both shows' hosts totally support. Obviously this left Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert with some holes to fill. Stewart would rely heavily on the news and making commentary on it, whereas Colbert seemed to pull out a subject and then proceeded to ad-lib on it. Both shows paid subtle and direct tribute to the fact that they are without their writers. Stewart went as far as noting that his show is not "THE Daily Show" without his writers and then aptly changed the name temporarily to just "A Daily Show". Colbert on the other hand did a humorous bit by pulling out an old script from October and relating it to what was going on in today's news. One thing for certain was that both men were not about to let their viewers forget that the writers are an important part of their show.

I watched both shows this week and have to immediately give both men a hand for taking a daunting task and making it look almost easy at times. Stewart and Colbert were given a chance to show the world just how funny they really are. They did so with class, pizzazz, and some quick wit. We were even given a good reminder that even though these shows are comedies, they still manage to convey some news to us. This is where Stewart mostly excelled. He took a news story and ran with it using intelligence fused with humor at a level that was damn close to the norm for him. He also showed that he does have the chops for legitimate journalism as his interviews were brilliantly comedic without the guests being offended or appalled.

Colbert seemed to excel even more than Stewart with his guest interviews. It would appear that he has become so comfortable with his uber-conservative persona to the point where it seems authentic when he interacts with his guests. Not much can compare to watching Colbert's guests start to squirm once he starts using his character's beliefs to point out logic flaws in the things they do/say. You can't help but sit back and wait from someone to get owned by the interview. One of these days some conservative shark is going to snap and lose it on that show. That will truly be amazing when it does happen.

I'm not gonna lie, folk. I loved both shows this week. To be honest, they were where I got most of my political news this week. Judge me if you want about this, but you probably should realize that both Colbert and Stewart report accurately on the issues, however they might add some funny commentary to it. I feel like I accomplish the same thing watching them for an hour than I do watching CNN for several hours. The big news networks seem to find a way to spend hours repeating themselves and saying jack shit. The Comedy Central duo gets straight to the point and makes politics something enjoyable.

OMG! That Isn't the REAL Hannah?

Friday afternoon found many news outlets breaking the story that Miley Cyrus has been using a body double during her show on the big Hannah Montana tour.

(This is where you envision me sitting silently with a confused look on my face while crickets chirp behind me.)

Big fucking deal?

That was apparently a huge story. It is a top story all over the place. While at work on Friday afternoon I couldn't help but notice that it was ranked at the most popular story on CNN.com. Meanwhile there is a murderer of a pregnant Marine running about and Germany is in fear of terror attacks. That stuff isn't that important, but stop the damn presses because Miley Cyrus needs a body double for 90 seconds so she can change costumes to become her title character. By golly our children have just been frauded (is that a word?)!

Really, people? Was it that big of a deal? Sure, that kind of news is fine and dandy for the entertainment section of a big news site, but it surely doesn't need to be billed as a top headline. The only way that a Miley Cyrus body double should catch anyone's attention as controversial is if it involves her going all bare ass in some upcoming movie.

American Gladiators Pummels the Competition

The new and revamped "American Gladiators" premiered last Sunday with a two hour special event. It was a highly anticipated premiere that had many people thinking back to the original show that aired during their youth. The new installment made an immediate impact with a 5.9 rating. According to all the people who deal with ratings, "American Gladiators" was the highest new series premiere of the season. NBC, in need of some new unscripted material, immediately bought up a full season of the show based on these numbers.

It would appear that NBC and television viewers have reached their desperation point. NBC needs anything that will draw a few viewers and it appears many people would rather watch an hour of feces in spandex rather than reading a book or playing a board game. Yeah, you heard me right. As I stated in this week's "Fact or Fiction", I do not like this new incarnation of "American Gladiators". Since there have been a handful of people on the comment boards and forums who seem to like the show, I have decided to give you an idea of what is wrong with this monumental time waste. Here is my rationale:

1. The gladiators are a bunch of tools who are merely talent-less actors. Toa was nothing more than a stunt-man and is actually the Rock's cousin. Militia did some gay porn, so we see that he just wanted to advance his career. Titan wanted to be Superman in the new series of movies and seems to have some life long goal to be a super hero in movies. He is a glorified pretty boy who does body building and shows no actual athleticism. If you don't believe me, look at the tool's website. Then there is Militia who doesn't really get it, seeing as he go disqualified twice on the joust for stepping over to the opponent's platform. The only legitimate athletes among the Gladiators appear to be Crush and Helga.

Hell, the worst part about the Gladiators is that they talk too much. Back in the day Gladiators like Nitro, Gemini, Turbo, Lace, and Laser said very few words and let their actions speak. The new set is constantly auditioning for their next role rather than being all that intimidating and athletic (Wolf, I am looking at you, brother).

2. The show is over edited and that makes it lose all credibility as a legitimate competition. Go ahead and watch the show this week and you'll see what I mean. They rarely let you get a look at the whole picture and what is going on. There are a lot of quick cuts and close-ups of the action. It is okay that the show is taped, but the way it is going, one has to wonder how many takes some of these events take to get it right. Actually, at one point on the opening episode, there was an instance during the Pyramid when the male contestant in blue got his helmet/neck brace knocked off. They cut away and then back which found that the helmet and such magically found its way back on the man's head.

However, the worst part about the show's production would have to be the commentary and music. Who the hell is this man doing the announcing? It is bad enough that Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's testosterone induced daughter are trying to interview the contestants between rounds, but this announcer isn't good at what he does. Even worse yet is that sometimes he goes completely silent. One would have to wonder if he is even there when the show is filmed. Still, the music is the most ridiculous part about the production. Back in the day when the show had some credibility, there was no music. Legitimate athletic competitions shouldn't be full of cheesy music and quick cuts intended to build drama. They need to net the athleticism and competition build the story, not post production. See what I mean?




This is "American Gladiators", NBC, not "Survivor".

3) The contestants are all basically horrible. Now I know I have no place to speak since I am no athlete myself, but the people they cast seem awfully weak. Traditionally the contestants were amateur athletes that could go the distance. Athletic ability was the reason the contestants were chosen for the original series. It would appear that the new casting department never watched the original and instead goes for somewhat athletic people who are real pretty. Case in point, anybody who watches will notice that these people barely finished the Eliminator. Hell, halfway through they all were struggling to catch their breath as they scaled the pyramid. The most pathetic part was then watching them trying to go up to conveyer belts at the end. If these were finely tuned athletes, they should be able to run around for more than three minutes. Go back and watch. You'll see what I mean.

American Gladiators - Women's EliminatorUploaded by rundowntv

Okay, I apologize minimally for that rant, but I need to do whatever it takes to get you people to stop watching this.

Don't tell anyone, but this week I watched…

…. "Grey's Anatomy". Sue me. There was nothing else on Thursday night. Ultimately I should have known better. For some reason I expected we would get something different for a change. Instead we got some of the same old Meredith/McDreamy back and forth relationship drama. I am sure some of you watch the show, so you probably know what I am talking about. That relationship has played its course. Well actually, it had played its course two years ago.

If any of you ever want to be amused, I suggest finding a "Grey's Anatomy" discussion board at TV Guide or Entertainment Weekly's website. There are plenty of ridiculous comments written there by a bunch of thirteen year old girls who think Meredith and McDreamy are meant to be together. Then these same kids are getting behind the critically lambasted romance of George and Izzie. It is almost adorable that these kids think people should be together just because they are cute.

Quick Hits!

- "Cloverfield" debuts this coming Friday. I have read many reviews for this film and can say that I am honestly quite excited about it. Never has there been a movie that had me legitimately excited to see the unseen monster for the first time. The word on the internet is that this thing is mean and massive. If any of you have seen an early screening, I would love to hear from you about it.

- Nichole Richie gave birth to a healthy baby girl last week. This is good news for us here at "I'm Not Gonna Lie" because that means that she should be back on booze and drugs any minute now. (In all seriousness, I hope not. Maybe she can set an example of responsibility for her peers).

- I saw "I am Legend" this weekend. The movie was good overall, but I expected a lot more of it. Will Smith did show that he can still do a decent action movie, even if he might be the next star to go all Cruise-loony.

- Last week NBC Entertainment co-chief Ben Silverman made an asinine comment about the Golden Globes being cancelled. He said, "It feels like the nerdiest, ugliest, meanest kids in high school cancelled the prom". Well, Mr. Silverman, you are officially an asshole. The only people responsible for your "prom" being cancelled are the "stupid jocks" and "rich kid" studio/network executives who don't want to pay writers for using their work. This is a horrible move for NBC because it reinforces the fact that the writers are necessary for the survival of the entertainment industry.

- CBS will start airing Showtime's "Dexter" on February 17. This falls in line with NBC's plans to air episodes of "Psych" and "Monk". It is quite possible that this will be a continuing trend for the networks to use their sister cable network's shows. This is great news for all of the lesser known stars on shows like "Dexter" and "Psych", specially Michael C. Hall and Julie Benz. I just bought Dexter on DVD and was impressed beyond belief. It is one of the smartest and most compelling shows on television. The writing was done with great research because they have achieved the most authentic portrayal of a sociopath in television history. If you are looking for something new to watch this weekend, then I suggest this one.


That is a wrap for this week. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this. Next week I hope to have a fun little commentary about a movie trailer I stumbled upon on the internet. I would tell you more about it right now, but I am still researching it. In the meantime, I would love to hear from you. Drop me an email, a comment, or wire me some money through Pay Pal. I'd appreciate all three. (I'd also love some suggestions for a new banner picture as well) Have a great week, everyone!

Go Packers!