What?!! This Column!?? 01.14.08: Issue #91
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 01.14.2008
"American Gladiators," "Cashmere Mafia," the Chili Bowl, and some other stuff
What?!! This Column!?? Issue #91: "American Gladiators," "Cashmere Mafia," the Chili Bowl, and some other stuff
Well, despite the ongoing WGA strike and the subsequent grinding to a halt the production of shows, big and small, that don't have enough finished scripts to keep going, the networks have pushed ahead with "bold" new programming to fill in the gaps. Or at least that's what the incessant network advertising keeps insinuating. Yeah, Hollywood is basically shut down, but that's not going to stop us from running "new" shows that we can sell advertising for. We are going to continue to make money regardless. For a few more weeks, anyway, until we run out of the new stuff and or people get bored with this new stuff. But at least it's new stuff, right?
Ha.
"American Gladiators" made its triumphant return to television, this time on actual network television instead of in syndication. I didn't watch all three new hours of the show, I only caught the first hour. I wish I had watched those other two hours. I wish I had made an effort to record those other two hours because, in a small nerd TV way, I feel as though I missed out on something. I hadn't planned on watching the new "AG," figuring that I already had enough stuff to watch. But I watched it anyway. For the most part I liked what I saw. Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali are decent as the on the ground hosts, and the various Gladiators are formidable, especially that giant Germanic Helga woman. I like the addition of water as opposed to the big blue mats that contestants used to fall on. The final gauntlet is still fun, although I'd like to see more participation from the Gladiators in the final contest.
Of course, the show isn't perfect. The show doesn't have any real theme music. I don't so much want the old music to make a come back, but it would be nice if the show had some kind of a musical calling card. Actually, I wish more shows in general had theme music. It just adds to the show. The disembodied voice of the event play-by-play announcer is annoying. He sounds like a cross between that Weather Channel computer voice and that guy who used to host the segments on "Guiness Book" (and, no, I'm not talking about Chris Collinsworth. I'm talking about the other guy). And have we seen him on screen yet? I realize they can't get Larry Csonka back to do the commentary, and it probably wouldn't be a good idea to have either Ali or the Hulkster to do the play-by-play (I'd imagine that his play-by-play would be about as interesting as Ahnold Schwarzneger's commentary with Paul Verhoeven on the "Total Recall" special edition DVD), but that's no excuse not to have someone we can see from time to time. The cuts to the contestant interviews during the contests are annoying (those segments take away some of the show's immediacy, which is not a good thing). And, to a certain degree, I think the show is overproduced. It's a tad too slick and "futuristic." But maybe some of that stuff will fall by the wayside as the show keeps going.
I read that NBC wants more of the show. That's good. And as long as NBC doesn't saturate the airwaves with the show, the new "AG" should have a nice, healthy life for the time being. I do wonder, though, if NBC will relegate the show to the late spring and summer if the strike ends and the regular shows come back.
And do you think Hogan is going to end up bodyslamming someone by the end of the show's run? Maybe he'll go on the "Today" show and take down Matt Lauer. That'd be pretty funny.
***
Sadly, what isn't funny is ABC's new show "Cashmere Mafia." Starring Lucy Lui and a bunch of other female actors, it's a show about upwardly mobile, successful businesswomen "having it all." These are magazine editors/publishers, general company big wigs, and people who have known one another since college, formed an enduring bond, and who meet all of the time at a hip and edgy trendy New York restaurant to dish on sex and their current life problems. And we're all supposed to care about these people and their problems.
It's too bad I don't. I don't give a flying crap about any of these people. After five minutes I wanted someone to murder every character on the show. Every character. Even the background characters. I wanted someone to show up with a rocket launcher, a mini-gun with unlimited ammo, and a flame thrower and just go to town. Who exactly is this show supposed to appeal to? What group of hip and edgy wealthy professional urban dwellers would want to watch this show in the first place? The constant cell phone crap, the pulsing ironic music that starts playing everytime someone walks from one room to another, and the constant supply of witty remarks, all annoying as hell.
Darren Star, the guy behind the abomination that is "Sex and the City" (I agree with Brian Griffin with his description of that show, "So it's a show about three hookers and their mom?"), is basically responsible for this show, and I don't think it's out of school to say that "Cashmere Mafia" is a network television version of "Sex." It's basically the same exact show. And it's really just as awful. I don't know if the ratings were all that good (I'm too lazy to go look them up, but I'm going to say that they were moderately good because of the show's buzz), but if the world was a fair place the show would just disappear.
Now, I usually give a TV show three episodes to get going, because I know that sometimes pilots aren't that great and it takes some shows some time to figure themselves out. I have the second episode of "CM" on my DVR at this moment. I think I may break my own rules here and not watch that second episode. I just don't know how the show can get any better.
And how much do you want to bet that at some point during the show's run there's going to be a whole episode devoted in some way to feet? Because it's now mandatory that if you have a "chick lit" type show, at some point the whole thing has to be about feet. Because that's what women want. I suppose. That's what these shows seem to be saying.
And for the love of God I am now completely uninterested in NBC's "Lipstick Jungle," which looks exactly like "Cashmere Mafia," right down to all of the walking with coffee and cell phones (go hunt down the commercial and see what I mean). Of course, I'll end up watching the show anyway, just to see if my suspicions are correct. I'm going to bet that they are and "LJ" is going to be just as bad. Maybe even worse.
Why do networks keep making this stuff?
***
I feel sorry for Queen Latifah. She was saddled with "hosting" the recent "People's Choice Awards" show, an awards show that, because of the ongoing strike, was transformed into a pseudo news magazine type thing where Queen, all dressed up and enthusiastic, "introduced" the nominees and read out the names of the winners. We then saw pre-taped segments of the winners accepting their awards. Latifah really, really tried to keep things interesting and really, really tried to put her best foot forward, but since there was really nothing for her to react against the whole thing came off as bland and boring after an hour or so. And that's sad. Of course, all of that could have been avoided if the studios and producers got back to the negotiating table and got the strike settled, but that didn't happen.
It's no surprise that the "awards" show bombed in the ratings. I bet that this show's presentation and subsequent terrible ratings are the real reasons NBC and Dick Clark Productions decided to scrap the Golden Globes, because this is what the "revamped" Globes show could have been like. I don't know who they could have gotten to host the revamped show (Clark probably would have tried to get that douchebag Ryan Seacrest to do it, but then the American Idol" probably didn't want to overexpose their douchebag host since AI is about to come back to TV), but it's probably best that all involved decided to just do away with the show for this year and get ready for next year.
I wonder what the Oscars are going to look like if the strike doesn't end or a tentative agreement isn't reached by then. What the heck is Tom Hanks going to do?
The Chili Bowl Midget Nationals pay-per-view show is over and done with, and for the most part it was a good time. The racing was excellent. The Midgets really get around that quarter-mile dirt track. Terry McCarl did an amazing job getting through both the C-main and the B-main to get into the A-main. While we didn't see as many flips as expected (I expected to see at least two per race), we did see some pretty amazing close calls (and how about eventual A-main winner Damion Gardner getting it up on two wheels and not falling on his side) and near hits. And it was pretty cool to see Larry Rice back on television doing color commentary during a Midget race as opposed to that CORR off road stuff. And when did Gary "I love Bobby East because he worked for his ride" Argabright get that Geoff Bodine like toupe? Did he call Gary Lee up for his guy's number?
Of course, this being the first live ppv broadcast of the race, there are a few things that didn't come off as well as they could have. The pre-race show was awful and shown in the wrong aspect ratio for most of its running time. There was way too much emphasis on the fact that both Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne were there. And those pre-taped segments featuring those guys from the Speed channel and that guy with the long white hair were just terrible.
And the biggest problem, which is a prime example of what is wrong with most short track racing in general all around the country, there was way too much "screwing around." Yeah, I know you paid for five hours and they had five hours to fill (they ended up using four), but why did it take over forty minutes to get the first race of the ppv show on the track? The recap of the three preliminary nights was badly put together because it didn't really explain how the races on those nights determined who got into the A-main on Saturday. And it would have been interesting to see who travelled to the show and didn't make it to Saturday (like drag racers Gary Scelzi and Cruz Pedregon, who were all over the print advertisements). There needed to be more racing. Why not include better produced pre-taped race highlights from the other nights or from earlier in the day? Again, there needed to be more racing and less talking.
But, yeah, this was the first time they ever did something like this, so if they do it again next year hopefully the show presentation will be a little better. A little "snappier."
And, if this show ends up being a big financial success, do you think HBO PPV will want to do the "Kings Royal" World of Outlaws Sprint Car race from Eldora or something like that? I can see that happening. Tony Stewart owns Eldora, I'm sure he had a big hand in getting HBO involved with the Chili Bowl in the first place, so it's not much of a logical jump to see something like the Royal on PPV.
I mean, if that "Prelude to the Dream" dirt late model race with the NASCAR drivers is going to happen again, why the heck not, you know, show a real race with real race cars?
***
This week, the "What?!! This Column!?? Piece of Shit of the Week" goes to Newsday oped columnist Michael Goodwin, for his appalling piece in this past Sunday's paper concerning Hillary Clinton's "crying" jag just before the New Hampshire primary. It's not that he said someone different from everyone else in that Clinton's crying was both "cold and claculated and planned by Bill and Hillary thirty years ago when they hatched their plan for total world domination" and "totally insane because if she becomes president Vladimir Putin is going to whip his cock out and hit her with it and she's going to do what? Cry?," it's just that he did it with slightly more sleaze than both Maureen Dowd and Rich Lowry, which is pretty amazing conisdering those two. I wish Goodwin, "Mr. Sensible Democrat," sort of in the same league as rich guy butt licker Thomas "The next six months are crucial" Friedman, would just go away, or just go to Fox News where he belongs. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.
And special mention should be given to Chris "Tweety" Mathews, who lead the "Hillary's a crying dickless woman" charge just before the election. After Hillary won I expected to hear the next morning that both Mathews and Chuck Todd committed suicide by downing whole bottles of Tylenol and then passing out with their faces in the toilet (to drown, you see). Despite what Cal Thomas and Fox News claim, the mainstream media absolutely hates Hillary Clinton and they will do whatever they can to destroy her. And I'm sure that if Barrack Obama ends up winning the Democratic nomination the MM will completely destroy him by the time the Democratic Convention hits, because by then I'm sure everyone in the country will believe that Senator Obama is a closet Muslim and plans on surrendering to the Islamofascists, mostly because the MM won't counterbalance the racist shitbags on talk radio and on Fox. So it's not looking good.
And I hope Dennis Kucinich gets his ballot recount. Denny's the man, the only real Democrat in the race, and he needs the votes.
Yep. Denny's the man. He really is.
***
"Jericho." It returns to CBS on Febuary 12th. Are you ready for it?
