Misunderstood Masterpieces 01.15.08: Boat Trip

Posted by Will Helm on 01.15.2008

…or, We’ll Have a Gay Old Time!

Pity poor Cuba Gooding, Jr. Since winning an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 1997, his career hasn't kept up the quality that is usually expected of an Oscar winner. Even though Oscar winners can make quite legendary missteps – as recorded here, here, here, and even here – Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s, career since Jerry Maguire has, sadly, been littered with missteps. Other than bit parts in As Good as It Gets and the generally lambasted Pearl Harbor, how many moviegoers sing the praises of such faire as Rat Race, Radio, Norbit, or even Daddy Day Camp, among others? The only time any of those will see the light of day may very well be this column. But, alas, the first entry in Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s, infamous post-Oscar résumé to fall into these pages is the 2001/2003/2002 "romantic comedy" Boat Trip.

Why such indecision about the release date? Well, according to IMDB.com, Boat Trip was filmed in 2001, but it wasn't released until 2003. Strangely, IMDB.com then splits the difference and lists the release year of the film as 2002. Perhaps this is because, even though Boat Trip is a U.S. production filmed in 2001, it was released first in the U.K. in October of 2002. How bad can a movie be when it's delayed nearly a year and then not even initially released in its home country? Oh, well . . . perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. First, Boat Trip requires the traditional Misunderstood Masterpieces analysis; like any film in question, it has to prove itself worthy of residing in these pages. Will it join the ranks of the great films enshrined here? Let's find out!

Perhaps trying to win my favor from the first moment, Cuba Gooding, Jr., tells me he loves me. Well that's sweet, Cuba, but we've only just met. And that's ample reason for you to not ask me to marry you, either, even though you are. Umm . . . thanks, but no again, sir. Oh, wait . . . he's just talking to his dog. So he wants to marry his dog? Perhaps so, as he then serenades his bulldog – and the audience – with some rousing James Brown. Sometime later, Cuba, in the guise of his character, "Jerry Robinson," hits on Vivica A. Fox in a car and in a balloon. I wonder if he wants green eggs and ham, as well. Perhaps not, as Jerry, due to a "hilariously" impromptu bout of motion sickness, vomits on Vivica A. Fox – hey, maybe she's into that kind of thing – and then he clumsily asks her to marry him. Cuba . . . I thought we had something! I thought we had a connection! You bastard. Anyway, Vivica, who proves that she isn't actually into puke-play, refuses Jerry's proposal and then she confesses that she's been messing around with her mechanic, more than likely because he's good with tools. The movie thankfully skips the landing, which was probably more than a little uncomfortable.

Back at home, Jerry longingly feels up his computer screen – which displays Vivica's ample bosom – and then he time-warps to six months later, somehow. In this new time frame, Jerry's near-catatonic depression is rudely interrupted by his loud-mouthed, corpulent buddy Nick (Horatio Sanz). After his call to try and cheer up Jerry, Nick massages some random naked HOT CHICK, even though he works as spa maintenance. Later that evening, Nick goes to a bar, where he runs into an old friend and his goofy HOT CHICK fiancée. The old friend, helpfully, sets up the plot by confessing that he met his goofy HOT CHICK on a cruise. While the wheels in Horatio's brain start turning and the old friend and his goofy HOT CHICK take their leave, Jerry shows up and Horatio reveals that he's hatched a genius scheme. Dum-dum-DUM!

The next afternoon, Jerry and Nick drive around town and dance together . . . which is a bit suspicious. Anyway, Nick then proves his manhood when he argues with Artie Lange over a parking space in front of the local travel agency. Once inside, Jerry and Nick meet with a helpful travel agent, but the situation takes a turn for the worse – and the absurd – when Will Ferrell wanders by to tell the helpful travel agent that the helpful travel agent's mother is dead. While the helpful travel agent runs off in tears, he's replaced by . . . Artie Lange! Nick flips out, so Will Ferrell replaces Artie Lange at the computer and finishes the transaction. After Jerry and Nick leave, satisfied, Will Ferrell and Artie Lange cuddle and Will Ferrell reveals that he instituted a measure of REVENGE against Nick and Jerry!

Sometime later, at the boat, Nick jokes with the captain and then he and Jerry are totally unaware when all the guys on the boat hit on them. Or, at least, hit on Jerry and Horatio Sanz's butt double; honestly, he's wider in the front than in the back in these scenes . . . although I'm not looking too closely. Nor do I want to. Curiously, Jerry and Nick find one bed in their stately stateroom and then they discern that it's probably just a gay-friendly cruise, especially when the stereotypical Latin drag queen next door (Maurice Godin) busts into their room unannounced. Things take a strange turn when Jerry and Nick go down to the bar and bond with Roger Moore – no pun intended – over their preferences for Liza Minnelli and Johnny Mathis. After a moment's deliberation, Nick and Jerry finally discern that it's a REALLY gay – and not just happy – cruise. Back in the stateroom, Nick and Jerry realize that they're trapped on the cruise together for four days, so they have an argument and grapple together; the stereotypical Latin drag queen, once again, busts in, perhaps seeking to show off his maracas.

While Nick is disgusted by the homosexuality surrounding him, Jerry gets hammered and then, after losing his balance by the pool, he nearly drowns, but he's conveniently rescued by a HOT CHICK (Roselyn Sanchez). Meanwhile, Nick wanders around in a daze and has an internal monologue; somehow, he elects to try and signal a passing helicopter for help, but, alas, he merely – and preposterously – shoots it down with a flare gun. Nick, in the aftermath, neglects to toss the gun into the water – fingerprints, man! – and returns to his bunk and has a conniption; then he freaks out when Jerry and the HOT CHICK interrupt, but nothing comes of it. Yet.

The next morning, Nick goes to breakfast, totally innocently. Like nothing happened. Nope. Nothing at all. Especially not shooting down a helicopter with a flare gun. Definitely not that. Although, perhaps as a measure of karmic revenge, Roger Moore shows up to flirt with Nick via a sausage. Meanwhile, even more preposterously than earlier, the ship picks up a raft full of Swedish HOT CHICKS and Nick is amazed by that unbelievable plot development. So am I, honestly. Jerry, meanwhile, is unconcerned with this plot development as he's too busy plotting how to get with the other HOT CHICK, even though she, logically, believes him to be gay. Oh the hilarity! Nick, bored with monogamous Jerry, spends some time with the leader of the Swedish HOT CHICKS (Victoria Silvstedt), who laments the fact that Nick may very well be gay. Perhaps to prove it, Nick has a dramatic monologue, after which the Swedish HOT CHICKS assent to letting Nick lotion them up. Nick secretly enjoys the pastime until he's attacked by an angry old woman (Lin Shaye), who pummels him and mocks his erection. Hmm . . . I didn't know Nick was an architect.

Down in the bar, Jerry and Nick hang out – figuratively, much to their ship-mates' probable collective chagrin – and Nick provides some unneeded exposition for Jerry. Something tells me he probably skipped the part about shooting down a helicopter with a flare gun; then again, the movie seems to have forgotten about that as well. While Jerry resigns himself to track down the HOT CHICK, Nick elects to join a poker game and, ironically – as he believes that gays aren't good at poker, get hustled. Jerry finally tracks down the HOT CHICK by the pool, while Nick finds the Swedish HOT CHICK eating ice cream. She complains about the old lady not letting her eat ice cream – or do other things – and she reveals that, despite Nick's apparent homosexuality, she really, really wants him. Somehow, I don't think I can suspend disbelief THAT much. Neither can the old lady, as she interferes in Nick's thoroughly unbelievable love life by evicting the Swedish HOT CHICK from her usual stateroom. Hmm . . . I wonder if this will lead to hilarious shenanigans.

Down in her stateroom, the HOT CHICK admires Jerry's rear and then, as they bond – but not with Roger Moore, she reveals that she likes working gay cruises, because she hates straight men and, apparently, wearing bras. Seriously; she has yet to wear a bra through the course of the film – not that I mind, nor would any of the cruise guests . . . unless her bra clashed with her panties. Meanwhile, the Swedish HOT CHICKS do egregious jumping jacks and, unsurprisingly, Nick ends up in bed with the old lady. After discovering his horrific error, Nick flips out and, bizarrely, sets the old lady up for a powerbomb – much to her enjoyment, but, like Billy Kidman before her, YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB AN OLD LADY! Nick, then, sprays the old lady in the crotch with a fire extinguisher and, in the aftermath, the Swedish HOT CHICK makes a totally unnecessary joke about the old lady's exploding vagina. Honestly, movie; I really didn't want to think about the old lady's vagina. Ever.

Back in the United States, Vivica tires of her boy-toy mechanic and pines for Jerry. Maybe, in the interim, she learned to like puke-play. Good for her. On the boat, Jerry and Nick spend some more quality time together and Nick finally meets Jerry's mysterious HOT CHICK. In order to keep up their façade of homosexuality so that Jerry can get into the HOT CHICK's pants, Jerry forces Nick to pretend they're gay; Nick is reluctant, mainly because he enjoys watching the Swedish HOT CHICKS exercising, but, while hiding from the old lady, Nick agrees to do it for money. Well, he's already shot down a helicopter with a flare gun, so I guess becoming a male escort is a step down on the felony scale for him.

Later, at a dance class instructed by the HOT CHICK and her lack of a bra, Jerry and Nick dance together to impress her. Nick isn't quite enjoying himself, much to Jerry's disappointment – come on, Jerry; you do get what you pay for – so Nick ends up dancing with Roger Moore – who's also willing to pay Nick for some action; evidently word travels fast on that cruise – while Jerry and the HOT CHICK tango together. Or maybe salsa. It's really inconsequential, isn't it? Anyway, Jerry, seeking to really prove his homosexuality to the HOT CHICK so that he can get into her pants even though he's seen quite a bit of her thanks to her dislike of bras and love of sheer white tops, takes gay lessons from the stereotypical Latin drag queen. That evening, Jerry shows off his new knowledge when he and the HOT CHICK go to a drag show together; meanwhile, Nick is horrified by the sight of the old lady fellating a softball bat for his pleasure. Seriously, movie! Behave yourself!

While Jerry and the HOT CHICK dance together quite lasciviously – much to her amazement, Nick goes up to the stateroom after playing a few more rounds of poker and he bonds with the stereotypical Latin drag queen. Amazingly, miraculously, through the awesome power of poker, Nick confesses his revelation that gays are people too. People with an unhealthy love of Broadway and The Golden Girls, but people nonetheless. Meanwhile, preposterously, the HOT CHICK requests that Jerry spend the night with her – even though she does think he's gay . . . or, perhaps, probably because she thinks he's gay – and, to help convince him, she strips for him. And, remarkably, this time she's actually wearing a bra . . . for a few seconds.

Nick, now comfortable with all the gay goings-on around him, gets drunk with his poker buddies. In the HOT CHICK'S stateroom, meanwhile, Jerry and the HOT CHICK eat chocolate together and then she asks for fellatio tips. Jerry, thinking quickly, has her demonstrate her technique on a banana; after she's done, Jerry violates a portal in her bathroom in a disturbing scene. Jerry might not be gay, but he sure is pretty freaky. Nick, meanwhile, is having a little more fun as he retires to the stateroom of one of his poker buddies and, after passing out for a few moments, he chugs from a bottle of 50-year-old cognac. Nick, through the helpful powers of alcohol, next wakes up next to his poker buddy and then, as per his particular idiom, he freaks out . . . because he might be gay. Even though he's already come to grips with the existence of homosexuality, is working as a male gigolo, and shot down a helicopter with a flare gun. This movie sure does have some seriously skewed morals.

The next day, the HOT CHICK directs Jerry during a drag-show rehearsal and then they make a date for later in the day at the ship's next port-of-call. On the aforementioned day trip, Roger Moore once again hits on Nick while the HOT CHICK spends some quality time with fake-gay Jerry. After Nick thwarts Roger Moore's advances, he sensitively breaks up with his poker buddy from the night before . . . and then he watches a HOT CHICK rumble on the streets of wherever they are. After the rumble, the Swedish HOT CHICK says goodbye to Nick, as she's going off to somewhere else, and then, through the help of his poker buddy/ersatz lover, Nick finds out that nothing happens, so not-gay-Nick runs off in pursuit of the Swedish HOT CHICK.

Elsewhere, Jerry sketches the HOT CHICK on the beach and then she goes skinny dipping with him . . . which is pretty easy for her, as she, yet again, neglected to wear a bra. Although, it may just be because this film had a very low lingerie budget. It could happen. Later, after drying off, Jerry and the HOT CHICK – because she's really into him even though he's "gay" – get it on against an orange tree and then, strangely, they end up buried in oranges after their coitus. While Vivica, who's now on the cruise, searches in vain for Jerry, the HOT CHICK reveals that she's in love with Jerry even though he's "fake" gay. I guess she's never heard of the term "beard."

Back on the ship, Vivica and the HOT CHICK end up in an elevator together and, through the HOT CHICK's helpful, braless exposition, Vivica discovers – to her horror – that it's actually a gay cruise that's she's booked on! Vivica, presuming that Jerry is now a dirty pillow-biter, gets drunk in the bar. Jerry, meanwhile, takes the stage in the lead role in the drag show – thanks to the usual lead's very convenient bout of sea-sickness, much to the HOT CHICK's mystification and drunken Vivica's disgust. Vivica, perhaps as a measure of REVENGE for Jerry sort-of not-really being gay, outs her former lover as a heterosexual! Dum-dum-DUM! Outside, by the pool, Vivica guilt trips Jerry because he left her – even though she was cheating on him all along, so he confesses to being straight and in love with the HOT CHICK. As per the idiom of every single romantic comedy ever made, the HOT CHICK finds out and she punches Jerry into the pool. Oh well; movie's over.

Or not, as Vivica and Jerry get married sometime later. After a few photos, Vivica's father, Shaft (Richard Roundtree), gives Jerry what-for . . . and a job as a muffler-shop manager. Which is the perfect gig for a graphic designer. Yup. In order to take the edge off the proceedings, Jerry and Nick get stoned on the roof of the church and then, perhaps in the midst of a drug-induced hallucination, Fr. Jim Dangle (Thomas Lennon) arrives on the scene to officiate the wedding . . . even though I thought it already happened. Don't they know that if the groom sees the bride before the wedding it's bad luck? Then again, should I know that? Anyway, Fr. Jim Dangle, perhaps as part of the hallucination, has a nervous breakdown at the altar and the Nick, fueled by goofballs, breaks up the wedding . . . by making out with Jerry. Shaft, meanwhile, is not amused.

Jerry and Nick, now free men to do all the things free men do together, go off in search of the HOT CHICK with the help of the stereotypical Latin drag queen's fire engine. Later, they find themselves on Roger Moore's private plane, as the HOT CHICK's next cruise has already left port with her on the ship! And, ironically, it just happens to be a lesbian cruise . . . and the HOT CHICK still doesn't have a bra. Honestly, nothing would be better than for the punchline to this film to be that the HOT CHICK was a lesbian all along. Anyway, apparently Jerry is willing to take that risk as he and Roger Moore parachute down to the ship and, appropriately, they land in the pool together. The HOT CHICK is not happy with this development, but she and Jerry end up together anyway. Yay. Meanwhile, Nick treks all the way to Sweden in search of the Swedish HOT CHICK, but, alas, she isn't home . . . but her HOT CHICK sister (Jami Ferrell) and the old lady are! Dum-dum-DUM!

Maybe I'm wrong, but, for a film with predominately gay characters, Boat Trip really seems uncomfortable with its own figurative sexuality and, even more unbelievably, it seems to overcompensate for it. Other than the poker buddies who help Nick come to grips – no pun intended – with homosexuality, the other two major gay characters in the film are broad stereotypes: a flamboyant Latin drag queen and a foppish sugar daddy. In addition, the film shoehorns in a horde of HOT CHICKS – the preposterous "Swedish Tanning Team" – rather than exploring just what would happen if Nick actually had to enjoy himself on the ship among scores of gay men. And not get arrested for shooting down a helicopter with a flare gun. The Jerry plotline is understandable – though Roselyn Sanchez's lack of a bra is kind of preposterous . . . which may just be the wardrobe department compensating for the rampant homosexuality in the movie, but merely a hackneyed romantic comedy plotline that's really, in the end, neither romantic nor comedic. All in all, Boat Trip could have been much better, but it's too afraid to experiment and go all the way, and that makes it a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I dock the ship for a while and, ironically – and hypocritically, overcompensate as well with a slew of . . . TITCOMS! See you then!