I'm Not Gonna Lie: 01.20.08: Get Ready For a Snubbin'!

Posted by Nick Wallander on 01.20.2008

This week’s column covers potential Oscar snubs and reveals one of “American Gladiator’s” dirty little secrets.



Another week of humanity is history and what do have to show for it? Well, some nut cases are making claims that Brittney Spears has multiple personalities. That would be an interesting story if it wasn't reported by people who didn't bother to do any real research into what dissocialize identity disorder really is. Instead we got some crap that could have been ripped right from a Richard Gere movie.

Pamela Anderson may have "lost her baby" (using a doctor), or so the news people are saying. This is basically the most taboo of topics that I shouldn't even comment on for the sake of my life. Nobody wants their garage bombed like a planned parenthood clinic. However, I have one line in me anyways. Regardless of Anderson's actions regarding her fetus, she is still aborting her marriage to Rick Solomon. So she got one out of two right. That should count for something.

Really, this week doesn't feel like one where I can just go all ape shit on mocking celebrities and bringing out all the juicy news. That is probably because my mind is heavily on football. That is a great excuse, isn't it? Honestly, if I wasn't thinking football I would probably have been deported from the city of Green Bay by now. It is kind of a law here to have football on your mind. However, I still got some gas left in the tank.

This Tuesday, the Oscar nominations will be announced. This is going to be interesting because we will have no idea if we'll even be able to see an actual awards show. Even if the show were to be held, we would have no clue as to who would even be there. With the strike still in effect, there are many people in Hollywood who aren't crossing the picket line. There are many uncertainties right now, but one thing will remain constant. There will be plenty of deserving people who get their asses snubbed of a nomination.

Normally all the pundits and experts spout off their snub lists when the nominations are announced, but I don't feel like being normal is what we do here in this column. I am going to go ahead and predict who is going to be snubbed before it even happens. Then you can all post comments and send emails about how ridiculous I was for being wrong. In this case being wrong might not be so bad. That would mean something I like did get recognized.

PEOPLE WHO I THINK WILL GET SNUBBED FROM OSCAR NOMINATIONS

Robert Downey Jr.: Last week I mentioned that I thought Downey brought in one of the most brilliant performances of 2007. His performance in "Zodiac" made me a believer in his abilities and, in an even more impressive feat, made me a little excited to see his upcoming work. I just don't see the Academy seeing this the same way I do.

Anyone involved in "Waitress": One of the funniest and most sincere movies of 2007 was "Waitress". It was the kind of movie that took an everyday relatable woman and gave her an epic story without even using any wild plot devices. That is mostly because of the solid story composed by the late Adrienne Shelly, who wrote and directed this feature. However, such a masterpiece needs instruments to display its greatness, and must have a stellar cast. First off, Keri Russell deserves a nomination for her role as Jenna, the titular character of the film. There was early buzz for Russell to get some awards attention, but as it turns out the Golden Globes even snubbed her. It isn't looking good for an Oscar nomination either. Two of Russell's co-stars deserve serious consideration for supporting roles. I, of course, would be referring to Nathan Fillion and Andy Griffith. I mentioned Fillion in the Top 5 column last week as well for his performance as Russell's secret fling/doctor. However, I failed to give credit to Griffith who plays against type and brings out an amazingly funny performance as Joe, the crusty old diner owner. I doubt you have ever seen Andy Griffith play a perverse and bitter old man. His performance is a far cry from "Matlock" and deserves serious consideration. I feel that if "Waitress" was not a comedy, that all these people would be given a better chance.

Ben Affleck: Go ahead and take a step back to take a deep breath. Alright, now process what you just read. There was no typo or mental error on my part. I truly and honestly believe that Ben Affleck deserves an Oscar nomination. Hell, the son of a bitch deserves two of them. One for best director and one for best adapted screenplay. Of course I am referring to his work on the movie "Gone Baby Gone". Along with "Juno", I would have to say that "Gone Baby Gone" was one of the top two movies I saw in 2007. If I had to compare it to anything I would have to say that it would be like taking "Mystic River" and making it much more interesting and engaging. Affleck does an excellent job of portraying characters as complex individuals that we all can relate to. Maybe he should stay clear of acting to pursue a full fledged career as a writer/director. Let us not forget that he did already win an Oscar for "Good Will Hunting". There was always speculation that Matt was the driving force behind that one. After seeing "Gone Baby Gone", I would have to say that Ben deserves most of that credit.

Judd Apatow: The Oscars do not look fondly upon comedies. This is nothing that you don't already know. Very rarely does a comedy get any sort of major nomination for anything. I think that this needs to be seriously changed by the Academy. There seems to be some negative stigma surrounding comedies when it comes to the Oscars. For some reason, just because something is funny, it is not taken seriously as a cinematic masterpiece. Two years ago Apatow created such a masterpiece that was known as "The Forty Year Old Virgin" which got shafted on all sorts of levels. Like that movie, 2007's "Knocked Up" combined hysterical comedy with a real heartfelt concept. "Knocked Up" was incredibly intelligent and took its subject matter more serious than anyone will give it credit for. There is a serious issue at the heart of the movie and despite all of the jokes and shenanigans, Apatow's script never lets us forget it. This may be good for us movie buffs, however the Oscars probably want Apatow to eat shit and die.

Did I miss someone on this list? Am I cracked out of my mind? Throw out your own list or correct me for being wrong by using the comments fields at the bottom of this page.


I told you so…

I seemed to be taking a lot of flack from you all for my general disdain for NBC's modernized television abomination that is "American Gladiators". Many of you indicated that I may be out of touch and that I should just be happy that it is something new on television. You are entitled to your opinions as am I entitled to my rebuttals of some of them. First off, we should never just decide something is acceptable just because there is only one option at the time. It is a mistake we all make in many aspects of our lives and explains why there is such a high divorce rate. Don't settle for crap, folks. We can always do better (and so can your hot girlfriend, so keep that in mind).

One of my other main complaints was that the contestants didn't seem to hold up to the athleticism of the contestants in the original incarnation of the show. I argued that real athletes could finish the Eliminator without needing oxygen and that this new group was nothing but actors. Well, I stumbled upon some amazing evidence to partially support my assertion. On last week's episode there was a female contestant by the name of Belinda Gavin. First, you should read what her contestant profile on NBC.com says:

"Belinda is a 36-year-old bull rider originally from Australia. She grew up on ranches in Australia and was regularly taunted and dared to do things even the boys wouldn't do. Her bravado stayed with her when she immigrated to the United States 15 years ago, leading her to become a bull rider. She currently lives in Burbank, California."

I can assure you that my research indicates that Belinda was probably not riding what I would exactly refer to as bulls. Sure, there might have been a lot of bucking around and perhaps some assless chaps, but it probably did not involve an actual steer. Hell, with her previous work being reviewed, you might also wonder what kind of things she was taunted and dared to do.

You see, my friends, our Gladiator contestant Belinda's real line of work happens to be that of soft core pornography. I will let you take a minute to jot her name into your Google tool bar. Alright, now go ahead and click on her IMDB profile. See, I am not so crazy after all. Now, assuming that most of you are night owl perverts like me, turn your television on to Cinemax or Showtime. You will probably catch Belinda's work on such shows/movies as "Hotel Erotica", "Bikini Chain Gang", "Perfectly Legal", or my favorite, "Haunting Desires". But hey, NBC would never have cast someone just because she was sexy rather than athletic, right?

Also, if you try to go to her official web page, it seems to mysteriously be down while I write this. One can only assume that this is because it is awfully incriminating and that she may have never done any bull riding. Maybe I am being an asshole for bringing this all up, but I do honestly believe that the new "American Gladiator's" credibility has to be questioned now that this secret is out of the bag.

Tell me I'm wrong!

Quick Hits…

- Not a one of the three movie theaters in Green Bay was showing "Cloverfield" in its opening weekend. My roommate, Jason, and I were a little upset by this. I hope that the theater managers know that they made a huge mistake and that they lost $9.00 that I then spent on hookers and blow.

- Brad Renfro passed away last week. That is kind of sad and depressing, however it should serve as a lesson to anyone out there who likes to pop pills, drink, and snort things like they were candy. Lyndsay, I am looking at you when I say that people could learn a lesson from this. Renfro was only 25 which is way too young to die.

- Courtney Love wants Scarlett Johansson to play her in a biopic about her husband Kurt Cobain. This could be a fun idea, especially if Johansson goes the Charlize Theron route and uglies herself up for an Oscar nomination. Then again I am not even bothering to see it if I don't hear the song "Celebrity Skin" by Love's band, Hole. Don't judge. It is a fucking amazing song and even better on the game "Rock Band". Gather some friends and rock out to that game if you get the chance.

- Here is a funny little video I stumbled upon:



- Apparently George Clooney and Fabio almost got in a scuffle last November at a Los Angeles restaurant. Fabio regrets that he didn't stomp a mud hole in Clooney's ass when he had the chance. First of all, did any of you know that Fabio was still alive? Second, this guy missed the boat. It took him two months to get himself in the news for this? If he really wanted to get people to remember him, he would have popped Clooney in the jaw.

That is all for this week. Take care, everyone….