Misunderstood Masterpieces 1.29.08: The Swinging Cheerleaders

Posted by Will Helm on 01.29.2008

…or, Is It Really a “Titcom” If It Forgets to Be Funny?

A few years ago, I covered a wonderful little "titcom" titled H.O.T.S.. Funny and replete with nudity, H.O.T.S. helped to establish the tradition that college girls are a never ending source of nubile fun. Meanwhile, the pornographic classic Debbie Does Dallas introduced cheerleaders into the mix, because tight sweaters and short skirts are never not sexy. In addition, there is another "titcom" – well, sort of – that combines elements from the aforementioned Misunderstood Masterpieces – well, sort of – and is even the sequel to H.O.T.S. . . . well, sort of. And it messes with the space-time continuum as well.

Why all the confusion? Well, the film in question – 1974's The Swinging Cheerleaders, though marketed as H.O.T.S. II in later years, actually predates H.O.T.S. by five years and Debbie Does Dallas by four years. Yes, the "sequel" to H.O.T.S. was released before the original film. Oh these wacky "titcoms"! Considered an exploitation classic by Quentin Tarantino, among others – and, judging by the year of release, predating many, if not all established "titcoms," The Swinging Cheerleaders sets the tone of many of the "titcoms" to follow . . . but is it really a "titcom"? Even more importantly, is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

While stock footage of an old Oregon-USC game plays, cheerleaders cheer and twirl batons and do other cheerleader things. Which pretty much entails cheering and twirling batons. Somehow, over the course of the game, USC transforms into some random, gold-helmeted team; evidently the editor had a little problem with the stock footage . . . or the film is trying to convey the passage of time. How modern! At the end of the "game," Mesa beats Southwestern in a battle of schools that don't exist. I wonder how that affects the BCS standings? Only in college football can a team win and still go down in the standings. After the game, some guy (George Wallace) hangs out with the team's stud quarterback (Ron Hajek) while the three main cheerleaders – WASP-y Maryanne (Colleen Camp), naïve Andrea (Rainbeaux Smith), and "urban" Lisa (Rosanne Katon) – make plans for later that evening. After the cheerleaders and the quarterback take their leave – but without the usual sexual shenanigans, the random guy – who also happens to be Maryanne's father – chats with the coach (Jack Denton) and, together, they hatch an evil scheme. Ooh . . . I sense NCAA violations!

The next day, the three main cheerleaders audition terrible recruits for their squad. While the cheerleaders make catty comments about their prospective colleagues, a couple football players – specifically the quarterback and his sensitive, symbiotic wide receiver (Ric Carrott) – saunter over to the audition space to hit on the lone recruit with any talent, lithe Kate (Jo Johnston). Later, in their locker room, the cheerleaders review the crop of recruits and, though Maryanne objects due to her WASP-y elitism, her associates deem Kate worthy of joining the cheerleading squad.

Kate, after learning the great news, returns home to her stereotypically college-radical-appointed apartment, complete with an angry stoner-hippy (Ian Sander). Kate, in the friendly confines of her apartment and accompanied by her trusted stoner-hippy, reveals that the audition was merely an evil ruse as she's actually working on a journalism project . . . an exposé of the "swinging cheerleaders"! Dum-dum-DUM! Of course, the titular cheerleaders aren't the only ones who are swingin', as Kate helpfully strips down for her favorite stoner-hippy and they proceed to get down to some sweet nookie. Unfortunately, she does nearly ruin the mood be revealing that she has to move into the cheerleaders' dorm, but the stoner-hippy – probably fueled by a cloud of marijuana smoke and righteous indignation – is unfazed by Kate's revelation.

Sometime later, the cheerleaders go to dinner and, once there, they all gang up to mock Kate, except for Andrea, who's sweet and naïve and misses the company of her boyfriend, the sensitive wide receiver. Instead of the wide receiver, however, the stud quarterback shows up on the scene to spend a little time with Maryanne – who also, unsurprisingly and wonderfully stereotypically, happens to be his girlfriend – while diddling Kate a bit under the table. I guess he's got a hot hand and a soft touch. And any other football clichés that apply in this situation.

After dinner, the cheerleaders return to their dorm, where sweet, naïve Andrea gets ready for a date with the sensitive wide receiver. Kate, being a believer in women's liberation, tells Andrea to go braless for the sensitive wide receiver's prurient amusement. I guess that's taking "liberation" a bit too literally. Andrea, meanwhile, is hesitant, as she is a sweet, naïve virgin. Kate, who evidently doesn't believe in those old-fashioned mores, plans on getting Andrea some nookie, even though Andrea attests that she might be frigid. Meanwhile, the sensitive wide receiver does the funky chicken in front of a mirror in preparation for his date. No, really. His buddy, the stud quarterback, mocks him a bit, mainly because the sensitive wide receiver is getting nowhere with possibly asexual Andrea. The stud quarterback, proving that he can be sympathetic, gives the sensitive wide receiver some pointers that will, hopefully, help him score off the field.

To that end, later that night, the sensitive wide receiver cooks dinner for sweet, naïve Andrea and he's wackily uncomfortable about the whole situation. Andrea, being sweet and naïve and, remarkably, appreciative, still likes him anyway. Unfortunately, this sentiment doesn't translate into any nookie, as Andrea and the sensitive wide receiver skip the rest of dinner but fail to consummate the dessert. Evidently, even fine food and wine isn't enough to loosen Andrea's thighs . . . or she really is frigid. The sensitive wide receiver, suffering from an almost crippling case of sexual frustration, elects to walk out on sweet, naïve Andrea because he's tired of her antics. Hmm . . . maybe he's not the sensitive wide receiver anymore, then.

The next day, the football team practices and the creepy coach, rather than making sure his team is in fine form, makes sure that the cheerleaders' forms are fine instead. Before he can slip into the pocket while scanning his intended receivers, the coach is rudely interrupted by his evil cohort. This time, not only do they have a gambling scheme going, they're also expanding into a little bit of embezzlement, as Maryanne's father just happens to run the alumni fund. Dum-dum-DUM! After practice, the stud quarterback and the not-so-sensitive wide receiver chat about getting it on with cheerleaders and the stud quarterback reveals, as per his particular idiom, that he's got interests in the cheerleading squad's mysterious rookie, Kate. Maryanne, ironically, doesn't approve of Kate's presence on the squad . . . probably because the rookie constantly smells like reefer and patchouli.

Note: at this point, The Swinging Cheerleaders has yet to be intentionally funny.

Sometime later, the stud quarterback propositions Kate and she, not one to being held down by the man . . . unless she's secretly into BDSM, freaks out at him. Shockingly, somehow her rampant feminism wins him over . . . or maybe he just likes being humiliated. As long as she doesn't put out cigarettes on him while trampling him with high heels, everything's kosher. After Kate puts the stud quarterback in his place, she returns to her apartment to work on her project with her stoner-hippy partner, who, strangely, has become insanely jealous in her absence. Maybe he got his hands on some bad bud; poor guy. The stoner-hippy, happy to see Kate back in his midst, tries to ply her for some nookie, but she refuses, infuriating the stoner-hippy and fueling his jealous hatred for the jocks. So is he the hero or the villain at this point? Stop confusing me, movie!

During one class, some "urban" professor (Jason Sommers) teaches soul calculus. After class, Lisa, the "urban" cheerleader, wants to meet with the professor because she has to get her grades up. Evidently, judging by what Lisa and the professor do during office hours, she accomplishes that by getting the professor up. After an apparently particularly sweaty bout of coitus, Lisa and the professor are rudely interrupted by a phone call from the professor's wife. No word on if Joey Greco is on line two, though. After the professor argues his wife into submission, he tells Lisa not to worry because they can be together – even though he's married – and he has some money coming to him from an entrepreneurial venture he's got going on the side. So he founded Microsoft?

Or not, as the professor is revealed to be a third wheel in the coach and Maryanne's father's evil scheme! Dum-dum-DUM! While the coach puts Ron Jaworski into the game – seriously, the player's name, at least, is "Jaworski," he, Maryanne's father, and the professor chat about their gambling ring while Kate watches the proceedings from the sidelines – figuratively and literally – and Oregon plays USC yet again, via stock footage. After the game, the stud quarterback and the not-so-sensitive wide receiver are ticked because the coach went a little too easy on their opponents. Evidently, he didn't work under Bobby Bowden and learn how to run up the score. After the stud quarterback vents his frustrations, he plans on making some time with Kate and, perhaps, living up to his "stud" moniker.

Consequently, the stud quarterback meets with Kate for an interview, during which the stud quarterback reveals that he believes Kate's jealous because Maryanne's got what she wants . . . namely, the stud quarterback. Kate is unmoved by the stud quarterback's psychological study, so he switches tactics and attempts to win her favor by relaying a sob story about his poor family and dying father. Is he trying to hook up or become a contestant on the new American Gladiators? Seriously; it seems like 90% of the contestants on that show have some sort of annoying tale of adversity. Meanwhile, all I want to see is Wolf and Crush beat these whiners into a pulp. It's a curse being so uncaring; it really is.

Anyway, the stud quarterback, after finally winning over normally cynical Kate with his tale of woe, reveals that he suspects that there's some skullduggery going on with the football team. Just like M with Her Majesty's Secret Service, the stud quarterback tells Kate to be his eyes and ears and discover just what's going on behind the scenes. Kate, perhaps inspired by being a female analog to James Bond, makes out with the stud quarterback. Either that, or his rampant masculinity finally melted away the last vestiges of her near-impenetrable feminism. In any way, the stud quarterback carries Kate off to his room and he lays her on his bed so that she can discover exactly why he's a stud quarterback with a round of sweet, sweet nookie.

Basking in the afterglow of jock lovin', Kate returns to her apartment, where the even more insane stoner-hippy is waiting for her. Even though he's slowly descending into madness, he is kind enough to explain how football betting lines work before losing his mind. The stoner-hippy, perhaps believing that sex is the only cure for his mental degradation, tries to win over Kate's affection with the promise of weed, but she mysteriously refuses . . . before confessing that, evidently, having sex with the stud quarterback was part of her "research" and her research is good. The stoner-hippy, his rage fueled by this revelation, finally gives in to his insanity, mainly because Kate has become a crazy cheerleader bitch with no time for her old friends/sex partners. Kate, somehow shocked by the stoner-hippy's behavior – even though it's all her fault, gives up on her project and exits the apartment; the stoner-hippy, in her wake, at least has the presence of mind to retain Kate's notes for reasons unrevealed.

Kate, now free to become fully indoctrinated into the cheerleader lifestyle, teams up with Lisa in a plan to get Andrea some nookie. Andrea, now single, elects to give up her virginity to the next guy that hits on her, but, through a convoluted series of events, that ends up being . . . the insane stoner-hippy! Unbeknownst to Lisa and Kate, Andrea wanders off with the insane stoner-hippy, back to his apartment, where they share sherry together because, apparently, the proletariat approves of fortified Spanish wine. After the insane stoner-hippy shows off some of his protest scars, sweet, naïve Andrea pleads for his help . . . in checking the state of her hymen. No, really. After Andrea chugs some vodka to get in the mood, she lets the insane stoner-hippy probe her – totally clinically – and then she forces him to provide lots of foreplay before getting to the main event. Somehow, her first sexual experience awakens a demon inside her, as sweet, naïve Andrea suddenly becomes a pot addict and nymphomaniac! The insane stoner-hippy, perhaps cementing his role as the film's true specter of evil, calls up some buddies for an impromptu gang bang. Umm . . . that's a bit of a dark turn for a "titcom."

Oh, and it's probably important to note that, for the most part, Andrea getting gang raped by a bunch of hippies is pretty much Kate's fault. And Kate is supposed to be the "hero" of this film. Yeah, it's pretty much as morally ambiguous as Showgirls . . . and just as unintentionally hilarious. Note, once again, that I said "unintentionally."

Back at the cheerleader dorm, Kate and Lisa share some coffee together – no word on whether or not they reminisce about some guy named "Jean-Luc" -- and then the not-so-sensitive wide receiver carries a semi-conscious Andrea into the room. Andrea, even in her gang-rape induced stupor, reconciles with the once-again-sensitive wide receiver; apparently, this turn of events disgusts Kate as she, for some reason, detests the once-again-sensitive wide receiver and then, after he leaves, she berates Andrea for details about her first sexual experience. I can only imagine how that went . . .

Kate: So, Andrea; how was last night?

Andrea: I got gang-raped by some insane stoner-hippy and his buddies.

Kate: Yeah . . . but did you enjoy it?

Andrea: I got gang-raped, you crazy bitch!

Kate: It feels great to be liberated, doesn't it?

Meanwhile, the once-again-sensitive wide receiver pays the insane stoner-hippy a little visit . . . for a well-deserved pummeling. Go get ‘em, once-again-sensitive wide receiver! Apparently – via an imprudent edit, the cheerleaders cheer about the bludgeoning at the next game. Either that, or Oregon is playing against the West Arizona State Insane Stoner Hippies that week. Nope . . . they're still playing USC. That evening, Lisa and the professor go down to a funky joint somewhere in town together and, once there, the professor picks up his gamblin' money from the friendly bartender. Much like Wayne Brady on The Chappelle Show, the professor has somehow gotten his "black" back through his illicit endeavor. Because, at least in the world of The Swinging Cheerleaders, all blacks must be criminals to truly be black. No "Oreos" allowed. After Lisa returns home, she tells Kate all about her fake engagement to the professor and then she unwisely spills the beans about his involvement in the gambling racket. Dum-dum-DUM!

Kate, emboldened by this revelation, busts into a frat party, where she corners the stud quarterback for a chat. After some guy hassles him about fellatio or something like that, the stud quarterback meets with Kate and she reveals the coach's evil scheme. Before the stud quarterback can respond, he's rudely interrupted by Maryanne, who forces him to announce their impromptu engagement. Hmm . . . It must be a running theme of this act of the movie. Strangely, the next day, the insane stoner-hippy – who, apparently, quickly recovered from his beating at the hands of the once-again-sensitive wide receiver – tracks down Maryanne and, as a measure of REVENGE, he gives her Kate's once-discarded notes! That can't be good.

Sometime later, the coach and Maryanne's father make a plan on throwing the big game that weekend and dashing the team's hopes for an undefeated season, mainly because Maryanne's father has the entire alumni fund riding on the game. Though the coach senses that his players may pose a hurdle to the scheme, Maryanne's father proposes to bring the stud quarterback in on the racket, as he's now Maryanne's betrothed. The coach mulls this possibility over and then retires to his office, where he leers at travel brochures before being interrupted by Kate. Kate and the coach chat and, totally unexpectedly, she hits on him . . . to extract information. Because, in Kate's world, all men become insufferably stupid when sexually excited; unfortunately, the film does little to prove her wrong, as the coach divulges the particulars about his plans.

Kate, emboldened by her recent findings, heads down to the cheerleaders' locker room, but her associates ostracize her because, through the help of Maryanne and the insane stoner-hippy . . . and Kate's notes, they've all realized that she's an evil double-agent. Kate, finding her pool of allies dwindling by the second, turns to the stud quarterback for solace, but he too dumps her . . . mainly because she is, indeed, evil. Sometime later, the professor's wife – with a switchblade in hand but no Joey Greco in sight – pays Lisa a little visit in a laundry room. The professor's wife, who's oddly well-dressed for a homicidal lunatic, threatens Lisa, who, in a fit of despair, runs off to Kate for reconciliation and, as well, to turn stool pigeon. Kate, meanwhile, confesses that she now respects her cheerleader sisters because she's changed her project into an exposé of the college-football gambling ring.

The next day, the stud quarterback heads over to Maryanne's house and, once there, he meets with the conspirators. Maryanne's father, needing the stud quarterback's assent for the scheme to be successful, offers money, a job, and his daughter for the quarterback's help. The quarterback, shockingly, agrees to the plan . . . but then he swerves the conspirators by dramatically refusing. Then, on his way out, he even finds time to dump Maryanne; evidently, he's more in tune with Kate's promiscuous ways, since Maryanne's nothing but a WASP-y, elitist prude. To add injury to insult, Maryanne's father slaps her around when she has the audacity to question him. It's nice to see that even a WASP-y father and embezzler can keep his pimp hand strong.

The stud quarterback, now a marked man, calls Kate and picks her up. Some crooked campus police, meanwhile, follow and, along the way, make lewd comments about Kate, just to really hammer home that they're sleazy. The cops, tipped off by Maryanne's father, pull over the stud quarterback and frame him up for pot possession. After the cops haul the stud quarterback away, Kate runs off to . . . somewhere. Anyway, wherever she runs to, the professor, Lisa, Andrea, and the once-again-sensitive wide receiver are waiting there, as the professor now regrets getting involved with the sinister honkies. To show his atonement, the professor clues in Kate and the rest of the Scooby Gang to the stud quarterback's whereabouts.

Speaking of the stud quarterback, the cops have him detained in a mysterious warehouse and they try to get him drunk. The stud quarterback, being manly, tries to escape, but he gets pummeled by some random lackey and force-fed alcohol for his troubles. While Maryanne whines at the big game, the rest of the cheerleaders and half the football team – in their gear – head over to the warehouse to rescue the stud quarterback. Once there, the professor, the once-again-sensitive wide receiver, and the cheerleaders team up to beat up the random lackey and then they rescue the stud quarterback . . . while a wacky brawl breaks out around them. OK . . . NOW the movie decides to be funny? Seventy-five minutes of melodrama and now this? Seriously . . . I thought this was a "titcom"! Anyway, the wackiness subsides after the professor gets shot – via a convoluted series of events – and the once-again-sensitive wide receiver crushes one of the cops with a file cabinet.

On the way to the game, the stud quarterback throws up in the car while Lisa visits the wounded professor in the hospital; evidently, Mesa University has a wonderful teleportation department. To add insult to injury, Lisa dumps the professor, but he thankfully realizes that it's for the best. Back at the game, the stud quarterback and his crew return, much to the chagrins of Maryanne's father and the coach. Maryanne, however, through the help of sweet, naïve Andrea, discovers that her father is an evil mastermind – though not really as evil as Kate – and then the movie ends! Wait . . . what?

I'm sorry. I really am. All signs really pointed to The Swinging Cheerleaders being a "titcom." Unfortunately, it isn't. It REALLY isn't. That's not to say it isn't funny, though; when viewed with a certain detachment, The Swinging Cheerleaders is extremely funny . . . though never intentionally so. Unlike its "titcom" successors, The Swinging Cheerleaders, for some reason, plays as a melodrama . . . a melodrama about cheerleaders. It's almost as if this film, which was supposed to be a comedy, forgot to be funny. However, the horrible acting and, especially, Kate's wanton unlikability – she's nearly as evil as Nomi Malone of Showgirls fame – add together to make the film an ur-"titcom" so to speak; a predecessor to a genre which would find its highest points a few years later. Sadly, all The Swinging Cheerleaders can be remembered as is as a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I see what happens when a "titcom" hits the slopes . . . for hilarity! See you then!