I’m Not Gonna Lie 02.10.08: It’s About Time!

Posted by Nick Wallander on 02.10.2008

Just how did those writers bum it for three months? Plus: Freddy Krueger, Corey Haim, and Lost Logic



I'm not gonna lie, folks. I am tickled pink about the big news sweeping through the media this weekend. Yeah, you probably already heard about it, so I will spare you the detailed update. After three agonizing months, this strike is just about over. Of course nothing is finalized, but why not jinx the whole thing, right?

Wow, three months is a long time to be away from work. Honestly, I have to wonder how those writers managed to live without pay for so long. It surely isn't easy, I can attest to that since I spent several months unemployed after college. You start getting real desperate as credit cards max out and your meals start consisting of American cheese singles on saltine crackers. I am still paying for that slump, so it couldn't have been looking good for people living in Los Angeles, where the cost of living is absurd. Do you think the writers were all moonlighting as waiters, taxi drivers, and hookers? Seriously though, I would love to know how they were getting by for three months. Sadly, this is the real dumb kind of thing that is going to sit in the back of my mind for a while now.

What the hell was I just doing? Was I arguing plot points for real life? God damn, I need those writers back to work so I can question their fictional plot devices. And if I heard correctly, we should get to do so for an additional 4 episodes (or so) of established one hour dramas and possibly up to 7 episodes of sitcoms. Then again, I have no basis of fact for those numbers since I don't even remember what entertainment site I read it off of during the week.

The writers going back to work wasn't the only fun news this week. I managed to round up some good shit for you this week. So sit back, relax, and get ready to mercilessly mock some famous people.

One, two, Freddy's going boo-hoo…..

As I am sure you read earlier this week on 411 that the eventual re-launch of the "Nightmare on Elm Street" series is not going to happen with Robert Englund, the man who brought the iconic Freddy Krueger to life. There were reports last week that Englund might reprise his role for the remake/re-launch/re-imaging of the series, but they were apparently a bunch of horse shit. Upon hearing this news there were thousands of fans in an uproar because they don't want to see anyone else in that role. To those people, I need to give a resounding "tough shit".

I can totally see where the studio may be coming from with their decision to go with a different actor. If the goal is to indeed restart the whole franchise, then by all means, they should do it as much as they can. Nobody will ever be as iconic as Englund was with the role, but the new film needs a different actor to stand on its own two feet. Yes, I do think that Englund still has it in him to play Freddy if they were making a straight up sequel, but that isn't the case here. They'll probably give him a little cameo in it, so all is good.

This all got me to thinking a little bit about who might be able to play Freddy in the new series. Several actors immediately popped into my head, but then I had to consider that with a re-launch, the character might be portrayed a little differently than the original. So, then I decided to come up with a handful of people who might specialize in the different kinds of Freddy we might see. Here are my picks.

Johnny Depp: This should be no surprise. We are all well aware of Depp's ability to play eccentric and strange characters. If they are looking for a guy to show the insane type of Freddy, Depp can pull it off. The coolest part about it is the fact that Depp's first movie role was in the original "Nightmare" back in 1984. I'd pay to see them pay homage to one of the most amazing death scenes ever.



Christopher Meloni: Yeah, the guy from "Law and Order: Naughty Crimes Unit". Some of you may recall that he had a popular bit part as Freakshow in "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle". The man was indeed a freak in his role and was very convincing in the makeup they put on him. He managed to be funny and a little creepy at the same time. Sound familiar? Hmmm, I wonder if he could pull it off with a pair of knifed gloves on his hands (That is assuming they stick with that iconic prop set).

John C McGinley: Some of you know this guy as Dr. Cox on "Scrubs". Now, regardless of exactly how they want Freddy portrayed in the new film, the character is going to crack a few jokes. Basically, if the new Freddy is to be intense as hell for most of the film, McGinley can pull it of. He was actually one of the guys that I thought could produce an amazing performance as The Joker in "The Dark Knight". The characters are very similar at times, so I have to consider McGinley as a viable contender for this role. Think about it. This is the man that can scream at you with rage, flip a switch, and then throw out a humorous quip before slashing your guts out.

Michael Emerson: For those of you who don't watch "Lost", you probably won't recognize Emerson unless you recall his role in "Saw". To put this lightly, Emerson's character of Ben Linus is possibly one of the greatest ruthless snakes in television history. He is the kind of character that you can't help but love even though he is a complete and utter bastard. Freddy Krueger is essentially in people's minds, which is a skill Emerson displays week after week on "Lost". I'd love to see Freddy portrayed as a psychological mastermind who essentially wins just because he is smarter than his victims. Emerson would pull that off with ease. Hell, he straight up looks kind of creepy on his own, so get him in that outfit and let him go to work.



Hugh Laurie: This guy is simply brilliant and would make me see the new "Nightmare" no matter how bad it looks. Go watch a few episodes of "House" and try to tell me Laurie couldn't portray a horror villain.

There are probably a lot of guys out there that I am missing, but if they were to be that great, I should have thought of them already. However, if there is someone I missed, feel free to drop a comment down below or write me an email.

'Dunst' be surprised by who checked into rehab…

On Thursday, Star Magazine reported that Kirsten Dunst has checked herself into the Cirque Lodge in Utah. Apparently she was partying a little too hard this past month and wanted to get herself some help.

Okay, so this is news. Good for her. So, she needs some help? Big deal. Plenty of Americans have the same problems as her and do the same thing every day. There is no reason to harshly judge her for doing the right thing. It is not like she made a spectacle of herself like plenty of other famous divas. Hell, Dunst may have been an absolute train wreck and we had no damn clue.

Hopefully the people at the Cirque Lodge can treat her for bad acting as well so that we don't ever have to see Dunst pull out another performance like "Spider-man 3".

Maybe Pauly Shore should try this…

So, last weekend I was at Comedy City in DePere, WI and was watching this fun game called Five Things. If you haven't seen this improv comedy game, it revolves around the performers relaying a scenario to one another by gibberish speak and pantomimes. There was one part which I want to share with you because it was brilliant and hilarious at the same time. During the game, I recognized that the they were trying to convey that they were referring to someone who did work on the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" films as well as the blockbuster "Meatballs:4". Now, I wasn't embarrassed because I was able to decipher the message, but more so because I knew immediately that the guy was referring to Corey Feldman. Had I been on stage that night, I would have totally been all over that and scored that team some points. It would have been awesome and pathetic at the same time. What does this have to do with this week's column? Absolute jack other than the fact that I have a funny news bit about Feldman's old pal Corey Haim.

Earlier this week Haim ran an ad in Variety. It looked exactly like this:



The first thing I'd like to do here is to give a giant kudos to the man who did the photo-shop work on this picture. Whoever worked on this managed to not only make Haim look 100% sober, but they also successfully removed the cardboard box the man calls home. Secondly, I am a little impressed by the tenacity of this guy. He really must want to get some work in Hollywood, but not the old fashioned way where you actually get off your ass and do an audition or two. Regardless of the man's stealthy laziness, this is a unique tactic that may or may not pay off….

…WAIT! Stop the presses! Holy Shit! This batshit crazy idea may have worked. The website ‘Shock Til You Drop' is reporting that Haim was recently in front of the camera shooting a cameo appearance in "The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe" (don't get too excited, it is a straight to DVD release). As many of you may recall via the web or A&E's reality show, "The Two Coreys", Haim was originally left out of the script. The interesting part was that Feldman apparently relayed this news. This made for a sad, but inadvertently funny bit on "The Two Coreys" where Haim has a breakdown when Feldman breaks it to him that only one of them was going to be in that movie. You can almost see it in Haim's eyes that he immediately is planning several ways to murder his friend.



Now, honestly, I am not sure why Haim wasn't included in this project from the get-go. All they had to do was give him 15 seconds on screen, a $500 pay check, and some beef jerky. After that the man would have been out of their hair and upgrading his box to a big Rubbermaid storage bin.

Talk about ironic…

The next bit really has little to do with the Movie Zone, but it was just too good to ignore. Only once in every few months does a gem of irony like this come across my desk. When I read the story at StarPulse.com I couldn't help but immediately think of you guys. I promise that you'll get a laugh.

A room full of 15 year old kids at Murry Bergtraum High School in New York were given a serious talk about safe sex and the prevention of AIDS on Tuesday. This was not just any talk about safe sex and keeping your junk protected. It was presented and moderated by a famous singer. Who was it? Well, there isn't a way to type this without laughing to myself out loud, but it was Fergie. Yeah, that Fergie.

I can't say that I know Fergie, but I am willing to wager that she is not the authority on safe sex. Yeah I get that she kicked a meth habit and is now super successful in the world of music, but still I don't think I want her telling my kids to wear condoms. This whole thing seems as effective as Lindsay Lohan giving a youth group a lesson on "Saying No". If schools are going to bring in people to talk about safe sex, they probably should find someone who is believable when conveying it. Now I can't prove that Fergie eats her Whopper without a wrapper, but come on, she is Fergie! Her lovely lady lumps haven't seen latex since her gynecologist had to do a urethra swab.

This Week's LOST Logic

"Lost" is back, so this segment is as well. If you aren't caught up, I will give you some space so you don't send me a mail bomb for spoiling anything.

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This week's episode showcased our new friends from the freighter floating about somewhere around the island. This was cool because we didn't have to wait forever to get an idea as to what they were about. However, I feel compelled to reach out and slap a few of our friends from flight 815. Both Jack and Locke let the boaties do a lot of babbling, but they really didn't tell them a damn thing until the very end and that wasn't even enough. Jack led three of them around the island gleefully without forcing any relevant information out of them. It surprises me at this point in the game that Jack, Kate, and Sayid are putting up with this cryptic "need to know basis" bullshit from everyone they come across. Sayid should have turned on the interrogation.

I am even more frustrated with everyone who is following around Locke. Now I get that they want to believe Charlie's dying message about boat, but that doesn't mean they have to follow Colonel Kurtz (as Sawyer called Locke). Locke has a track record of acting before he thinks and being the epitome of irrational. Also, I think they need to reassess the fact that Locke isn't telling what his entire plan is based upon I'd like to know why I am making a pit stop at a creepy cabin, while trekking across the Island of Misfit Toys. Maybe that is just me. What do you all think?

This episode allowed me to establish a theory of sorts about what creepy man was referring to when he visited Hurley at the nut house. I am now assuming that Jack, Kate, Hurley, and three others are going to jack (pun intended) transport off of the island leaving everyone there (Abaddon's people as well, thus why he asked "Are they alive").

Also, Kristen Bell is a moron for turning down the role of Charlotte.

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Don't tell anyone, but I watched…

"The Nines" on DVD. Heard of it? Probably not since it had a limited release and just came out on DVD. I am not certain why a movie with Ryan Reynolds in the lead is going straight to DVD, but it happened. Normally the straight to DVD is the kiss of death, but not in this case. To be honest, "The Nines" fell victim to being too smart for the average movie-goer and thus wasn't "money" for a theatrical run..

The plot revolves around three separate, yet weirdly connected, short stories all starring Reynolds as the main character. One features him as an actor on house arrest, the next as a TV writer, and the third as a video game designer. If you hadn't noticed, all three characters create something in some form or another. That idea is a key point in the ultimate theme of the movie, so keep that in mind. I'd love to explain more to you, but I honestly can't put all of it into words. There is plenty of abstract thinking to be done. When I say that I mean it in a good way.

Once you get to the end of the movie you are going to be like "Ooh shit! What the hell?", but you aren't going to be pissed off like you were with movies like "November" or "The Dead Girl". I recommend that you go out and rent "The Nines" tonight. If not tonight, then tomorrow.

Nick's Quick Hits

- I finally saw Cloverfield on Friday night. Luckily I avoided spoilers this past month and was able to enjoy the film to the maximum possible capacity. There were mixed reviews for "Cloverfield", but my opinion of it definitely falls in the positive category. When people reference it displaying a unique method of storytelling, they are right on. It was a joy to be caught in the same chaos as the characters by not knowing any more than they do.

- I read a story about Miley Cyrus wanting a dolphin as a pet. All you creepies out there just got an entirely new naughty thought, didn't you?

- Season 5 of "Reno:911" may be one of the series' best. The laughs have not been this plentiful since season one. It leaves me baffled as to why Comedy Central was thinking of axing the show before the strike.

- Rob Zombie wants to direct the new "Conan" movie. That is really out there, but the idea intrigues me. Hell, he might even give me my wish of seeing Triple H cast as the lead. Also, I can only assume he'll put together an odd contemporary soundtrack…oh and cast his hot wife to get all naked and shit.

- Lindsay Lohan is telling magazines that she is dumping her friends who are bad influences on her. Well, I never thought I'd say this: Good job, Lindsay. That's honestly a step in the right direction. Now, will you please return my fan mail?

- I don't care what you all say, but I am going to see "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins". Go ahead, judge me.

- Do not be surprised to see Mira Sorvino becoming a recurring character on "House" after her guest appearance on the post Super Bowl episode entitled "Frozen". There was some definite chemistry between her character and the wily Dr. House. It was kind of hot, actually.

- Why did I not get the memo about cut-off hoodies being the new style?

- Guess who has 1st row tickets to see WWE RAW on the Road to Wrestlemania tour here in Green Bay? Yeah, it is some other guy, but I did get 3rd row, so that ain't bad. That has nothing to do with this column, but nothing really good happened to me this week, so give me a break.

Thanks for reading this week. I hope you enjoyed what you read and encourage you to leave some comments or to send me an email with your thoughts. I'd love to share your words with everyone else here so I don't have to write as much next week. It's like slight of hand with words.