The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 02.15.08: Issue #2

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 02.16.2008

It's a Dolph Lundgren double feature! "Missionary Man" and "The Russian Specialist"! And a look at "Bone Eater," the latest from the Sci Fi Channel...

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #2: "Missionary Man," "The Russian Specialist," and "Bone Eater"

Hello once again everyone and welcome to The Gratuitous B-Movie Column here at the 411mania.com movies zone, and I'm your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number two, I'm going to look at two (yeah, two) Dolph Lundgren action epics, the very recent "Missionary Man" and the would have been recent three years ago "The Russian Specialist." Both flicks are written, directed, and star Dolph. And then, when the Dolphapalooza ends, I'm going to look at the latest Sci Fi Channel original movie, "Bone Eater." That flick, sadly, doesn't star or involve Dolph Lundgren in any way, although it probably should.



Missionary Man

If Dolph Lundgren rode into your small town on a Harley, walked into the local bar and started reading the Bible and drinking tequilla straight from the bottle, would you do anything to disturb him? I'd suspect that most people wouldn't. But since most people don't inhabit the wild and wacky and incredibly stupid world of movies, you just know that Dolph is going to have to stop reading the Bible and go deal with something messing around with his "good" time. And that's pretty much how "Missionary Man" starts out. Dolph's Ryder (quite the bad ass name) rides into town, hangs out at the bar, starts reading the Bible, and then starts kicking butt. A bunch of yahoos are just outside on the street, beating on a homeless Indian because, well, he's an Indian. Ryder goes out into the street, breaks up the beatdown, and then gives every scumbag bad guy in the general vicinity a baseball bat to the body. Ryder just ain't gonna have that going down.

We eventually find out that Ryder is in town to attend an old buddy's funeral (I'm going to assume the dead friend is an old war buddy because that's what it usually is). It's while here we find out that the street level Indian beating is part of a much larger problem in the area. See, the local Indian reservation is in the middle of a grand debate over whether or not they should build a casino, and there's a rich as all hooha white land developer who wants land from the Indians (and he wants to continue running drugs as well). So the rich white guy is creating all kinds of backbiting and dissension in the tribe so he can somehow waltz right in and grab up what he wants. Or something like that. The actual specific details are kind of fuzzy to me. All you basically need to know is the ricgh white guy wants stuff from the Indians, and the Indians don't want to "cooperate," so bad stuff ensues.

Ryder decides to hang around for a little while. The Indians working in concert with Reno the rich developer (Mathew Tompkins) don't understand why Ryder is still in town. Ryder makes Reno nervous. And Reno doesn't like to be nervous. So Reno hatches a plan, a plan that can't fail. He's going to bring a nasty butt band of ruthless killer bikers into town to up the ante and get this getting rid of the Indians program going with some freaking speed.

So in rides Jarfe (John Enos III), a real bad butt killer biker who looks like Billy Mays (you know, that shill on TV that's always trying to sell miracle spunges and super putty). His band of killer bikers start to immediately wreak havoc. The local authorities, in cahoots with Reno anyway (because that's what rich land developer types always do when they come into town looking to buy it up. They buy the cops), can't stop the carnage. In the end, the town can only be saved by one man.

And then what you expect to happen freaking happens.

For a modern day pseudo western, "Missionary Man" is pretty dang decent. The flick is obviously limited by its direct-to-DVD budget, but Lundgren understands that he doesn't need to do anything flashy to make the movie work. He keeps everything relatively simple. The Indians are the good guys, and the white guy land developer is the bad guy. Clear, clean, and simple. The only character with any nuance or mystery is Dolph's. Yes, Ryder is your typical action movie butt kicking good guy in the sense that he's on the side of the oppressed and he wipes the floor with the bad guy's henchmen, but there's something odd about him that you'll definitely notice at the end of the movie. Is Ryder more than just a guy on a motorcycle? Pay attention to Jarfe when he finds out who Ryder is. Makes you wonder if this is going to be the first in a series of "Missionary Man" movies.

I'd be down for that. When was the last time the movie world had a good B-movie action franchise? Probably more than a decade.

I also want to say that "Missionary Man" earns a lifetime (at least) honorable mention on my "greatest movies ever made" list for showing Dolph Lundgren shooting a man in the face at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun. And when I say he shows it I mean he freaking shows it. That's how you kill a guy in a movie.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Dolph Lundgren, hay bales in a pick up truck, gratuitous homeless guy, draft beer, reading glasses, gratuitous reading the Bible and drinking tequilla straight from the bottle, beating up Indians, beating by baseball bat, a veteran's funeral, gratuitous "Book of Samuel," choking, riding around town for no apparent reason, shin kissing, crying Indians, gratuitous flirty waitress, arm grabbing, putting on sunglasses, drunk white guys, gratuitous sexual harrassment of a fifteen year old girl, beating by metal garbage can lid, gratuitous eating dinner with Indians, talk of the white man's evil, riding a boat with a machine gun, drug dealing, the worst squibs in movie history, exploding boat, a drunk Indian, doing shots, kick to the balls, palm thrusts to the face, nose breaking, taking a shotgun out of a rolled up sleeping bag like it's Excalibur, nose breaking, sawed off shotgun used as a bat, shooting out windows, pants dropping, arm breaking, table breaking, jukebox shooting, falling ceiling lights, gratuitous biker gang, loading a shotgun, rape, killing cops, chain wrapped around fist, eye gouging, slow motion walking away, chain clothesline, exploding motorcycle, hiding out in a dumpster, gratuitous cocking a shotgun, axe to the gut with blood spilling out of the mouth, point blank shotgun blast to the face, and riding away on a motorcycle.

Best lines: "What's your poison? Tequilla. No lime. No salt," "Never seen anyone drink tequilla like that and read the Bible. That's just the kind of medicine this town needs," "Which way to the cemetary?," "Heck of a nice bike out there," "Peace, brother. This is a time for mourning, not fighting," "Is that him? That motherfucker. Who does he think he is?," "You taste like a peach," "The number four is sacred in our culture. Everything comes in fours," "Good afternoon, miss. Can I help you with those candybars?," "Since when did we become child molesters?," "Everything you do is my business," "Haven't had home cooking in a while, especially this good," "Sometimes things are better left alone and not understood," "You can never spend too much on a good looking woman," "Today, we have a very special guest, and he's going to talk to us today about the Bible," "My necklace! I lost my necklace! Fuck!," "All right, drop your pants!," "This holy man's day of reckoning is at hand," "Come on, let's go you piece of white trash," "My name is Jarff. That's a funny name," "I don't do drugs, Billy. They're bad for you," "You Mexican fucks never learn. This is a white man's world," "I'm not a whore!," "Thank you, Dan. Go put your tampon back in and let them know," "Not even God himself can save this holy man's piece of shit town from me. I'll burn this fucking place to the ground," "Can't anybody kill this fucking guy?," and "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good help?"

Rating: 10.0 (it's all about the shotgun to the face)



The Russian Specialist

Now, "Missionary Man" is Dolph's third official effort as a director (according to imdb he directed a movie called "Diamond Dogs" before "Missionary Man," but his work will go as uncredited for whatever reason) and it's a good, simple little action movie. "The Russian Specialist" (also known as "The Russian Mechanik" in some parts of the world) is Dolph's second effort behind the camera is a flashy, complicated, and ultimately boring action movie that doesn't understand what it wants to do.

On the surface, it's a simple revenge movie. Dolph Lundgren's Nikolai Cherenko is a former Russian Army Special Forces soldier and devoted family man, retired from the military and working as a village mechanic. He occassionally meets up with his old war buddies and shoots the hooey with them. One day, though, some Russian mob guys show up for a drug deal, something happens, and the mob guys kill a bunch of people, including Nikolai's wife and son. Nikolai goes off the deep end, slaps on some war paint and knives and guns and goes on a killing spree. He finds the mobster responsible for killing his family, a fat scumbag named Sasha (Ivan Petrushinov). Nikolai shoots the guy right in the face. Dude is dead. He has to be. How the heck can someone survive getting shot in the face by Dolph Lundgren?

So, with his family's death avenged, Nikolai goes to Los Angeles to work as a car mechanic. A few years later, a rich, old Russian woman shows up. She knows Nikolai's background and is confident he can help her retrieve her daughter, who has been kidnapped by Russian mobsters. For half a million dollars, all Nikolai will have to do is go St. Petersburg and rescue the girl. Half now, and half when the job is done. Nikolai doesn't want to get back into the killing business, so he initially declines the offer. But then he sees a photo of the kidnappers. One of them is (wait for it) Sasha! How the heck can that be? He was shot in the face! Nikolai then changes his mind and accepts the offer.

Sasha won't escape this time.

Nikolai arrives in St. Petersburg, meets up with an ex-British military mercenary (William Burton, as played by Ben Cross) and some other hired goons, and comes up with a two pronged plan. First, rescue the girl, who is being kept inside a swanky nightclub. And second, find Sasha and shoot him again in his fat face. Seems pretty simple. Clear cut. Clean.

It obviously isn't.

The biggest problem with "The Russian Specialist" is that its simple revenge story isn't treated in a simple, clear manner. For whatever reason Lundgren fills the movie with all kinds of flash cuts, flashbacks, and muted colors that just make things confusing. The opening "origin" of Dolph's character is handled fairly well, except for the part where Dolph shoots Sasha in the face and thinks he's dead. That initial pursuit should have been the main thrust of the story. Sasha killed Nikolai's family, Sasha must pay. The kidnapped rich woman's daughter should be nothing more than an after thought. Nikolai could have teamed up with his old buddy William Burton (they could have met one another on a joint Russian/British mission to do something or another) to go find and kill Sasha, they could have picked up the kidnapped chick in the chaos of the revenge operation, and Dolph could have had a nifty little action movie. But for some reason Dolph thinks he's an "artist" and he needs to add stuff to the movie.

It's just a mess.

And even some of the action scenes are muddled. The muted colors throughout sure do help create a depressing mood, espeically when we see the prostitutes Sasha keeps holed up in his nightclub, but they don't help emphasize anything in the action scenes. It just looks like Dolph forgot to turn the lights on on the set when he was shooting the fights. Having boring fights in an already boring movie isn't going to help your cause in the end.

If only Dolph used his "Missionary Man" director mindset on "The Russian Specialist." He'd have had an excellent action movie instead of a mediocre one. But then again, maybe "The Russian Specialist" is point A, and "Missionary Man" is point B, and you can't get to point B without first going through point A.

That's about as positive as I can get here.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Russian village, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren wearing an old army hat, beer drinking, gratuitous slow motion shooting people, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren running in slow motion, gratuitous hot chick making out with a fat guy, gratuitous Molotav cocktail, gratuitous Los Angeles freewway, a stretched limo, throwing an oily rag, gratuitous Israeli tax driver, selling music CD's in a taxi, Russian prostitutes, kick to the balls, arm breaking, booze from a flask, gratuitous mercenaries, cigarette smoking, leg sweeping, cocaine snorting, watching cartoons, glass coffee table smashing, money in a yellow envelope, knife to the gut, face punching, throat slitting, knife to the kidneys, bullet to the back of the head, bumper breaking, village public stone fountain smashing, riding around on a motorcycle, knife licking, pear eating, midget beating, knife to the hand, putting on fishnet stockings, doing heroin, boobies, door breaking, man thrown through window, shotgun to the chest, push starting a truck, exploding truck, bitch slapping with ring hand, a massive leg wound, gratuitous bullet removal with up close gushing blood, hand washing, stone throwing, gratuitous fishnet stocking fanbelt replacement, a hacksaw, hot tea drinking, bike chain fixing, gratuitous Russian folk singing at dinner table, gratuitous "rock, paper, scissors," knocking down a fence, shotgun beating, head shot, cows, a barking dog, tree branch club, stone debris to the forehead, briefcase to the face, old lady punching, eye scratching, exploding head under water, and walking off into the sunset

Best lines: "Go get some bread," "Have a beer with us," "You're right. It is very risky," "Hey, move your truck, asshole!," "For my son," "Was there a ransom?," "This is my music. Do you like it?," "You want to go upstairs for a drink?," "Hey, you drink too much," "You must be the mechanic," "Are you on the list?," "Where are the weapons?," "You know what you are? You are totally out of control. You want weapons? I'll give you weapons," "Weapons are good. I'll go alone," "Hey, is there any room in your bag for my suit?," "She can't stand. Would you fuck this?," "I want my money. All of it. Or the girl dies. Like her father," "Men know how to kill, women know how to survive," "She's drugged up to her fucking eyeballs," "Anyone know a good mechanic?," "You are bloody Russian, aren't you?," "Come on, have some vodka," "What's the plan? Kill them all," "Hey, Nick, when I find Aruba I'll send you a postcard," and "Fucking crazy Russian."

Rating: 5/10



Bone Eater

As many of you probably already know, every few weeks the Sci Fi Channel debuts a new, low budget, cheesy monster movie, usually on a Saturday night. They must get a good, consistent rating because the cable network keeps showing them. For whatever reason I've never paid that much attention to them. Until now. I've decided to make an effort to see as many of these new Sci Fi Channel movie premieres as I can. Besides direct-to-DVD, cable movie premieres seem to be where the B-movie action is.

"Bone Eater," from acclaimed B-movie director Jim Wynorski (he of "Chopping Mall," "Return of Swamp Thing," and "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time" fame), is the latest flick to premiere on the Sci Fi Channel. It stars Bruce Boxleitner as Sheriff Evans, the sheriff of a small, western town (or maybe it's a southern town. I could have swore someone in the movie said it was Alabama) in the middle of massive development. A rich guy by the name of Dick Krantz (Jim Storm) is in the middle of building condos or a mall or something. Anyway, Krantz's crews have been digging up ancient Indian burial ground artifacts and failing to tell the authorities, which has been pissing off the local Indians. One night, one of Krantz's crews dig up some old bones and an old axe and do their usual "It's just a bunch of Indian garbage" routine. Big mistake. Suddenly, the bones come to life, in walks a twenty foot tall skeleton monster that can turn people into dust, and people start disappearing.

Krantz blames the Indians. The Indians think Krantz is up to more than they already know he's up to. One of the Indians, Johnny Black Hawk (Adoni Maropis), wants to take the fight directly to the white man, but his elders, like Chief Storm Cloud (Michael Horse), just want to live in peace. And Sheriff Evans is stuck in the middle. He's part Indian, so he wants to do right by his people. But he's also the authority for the area and he has a duty to uphold the law. So what the heck is he going to do?

Well, once he finds out about the Bone Eater monster, he's going to try to stop it.

This flick obviously cost about twenty dollars to make, because it looks cheap as hell. The special effects don't look like they're finished (especially the Bone Eater monster itself, which has this flat, herky jerky look to it), most of the sets look like cardboard stand ups, and the acting from the non-professional actors is terrible. But for some odd reason the movie for the most part works. Once you accept the fact that the Bone Eater monster is never going to "look" real you kind of get into it. When the Bone Eater dispatches a victim, that person is dead. That person turns to dust and blows away into the wind. That's definitive. That's freaking final. And to some degree that's why the monster ends up being kind of scary.

Kind of.

Bruce Boxleitner classes the flick up a bit by his mere presence. It's a testament to his professionalism that he never once appears bored although if he did you'd understand. It is a little weird, though, when he can't stop staring at his daughter's ample cleavage (Kelly, as played by Clara Bryant). And what's the deal with first wearing that red shirt (who does he think he is, John Wayne?), then wearing that duster trenchcoat? Was that Bruce's idea or was it Wynorski's? Or was it some kind of continuity thing?

All in all, while I'm not impressed by "Bone Eater," it's not a bad way to waste two hours of your life.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous ignorant construction workers, weird sounds, gratuitous shotgun, ancient Indian bone breaking, gratuitous twenty foot tall Indian skeleton monster, gratuitous CGI dynamite, gratuitous hazy twenty foot tall Indian skeleton monster view, gratuitous Bruce Boxleitner, gratuitous picketing Indians, rich men in a Cadillac (they probably couldn't afford to rent a limo), guys on dirt bikes, gratuitous college dig team, gratuitous dickhead professor, green dust in through car air conditioner, a car phone, a bent shotgun, gratuitous militant Indian, monster ghost horse, dirt bike chase with gap jumping, gratuitous Walter Koenig, gratuitous Gil Gerard, gratuitous inadvertent almost incest, the lamest father-daughter argument in movie history, newspaper reading, making out with a blonde in the woods, a turqoise necklace, forest chase, gratuitous Bruce Boxleitner as an Indian tracker, broken tree branch, walkie talkie tossing, sandles, gratuitous vision quest, driving off a cliff, gratuitous William Katt, hand melting, henchmen killing, war paint, Indian killing, Indian magic, gratuitous solar eclipse, gratuitous Rambo knife fight, wirst slicing, gratuitous ancient Indian war axe, and a tornado.

Best lines: "Wow, you have grown up," "Did the picketers give you any trouble?," "Big Jim, what are you doing here? Don't you know the sun is up?," "He ain't had a hammer in his hand his whole life," "I thought we were here to study archaeology, not astronomy," "A good scientist knows when to look down or look up," "That's no dinosaur bone," "You have no sense at all," "If the white man has taught us anything it's we must fight for what we want," "Maybe you folks should think about opening up a casino," "Angry words don't always lead to violence," "Hey, let's make this one quick, I'm already toast on one side," "It has risen," "Hey, Kelly, turn the music down, will you? I'm on the phone," "My house, my rules! Eleven!," "Let me get this straight, you compromised your integrity for money?," "Have you ever heard of the curst of the Bone Eater?," "Kaya, this is the 21st century. I can't act on a legend," "When are you going to wake up and smell the war paint?," "What does that have to do with the price of eggs?," "How dare you transgress the prayers of a chief!," "I have noplace with cowards," "We must find the bone axe!," "I'm just a country doctor, not a specialist," "This one's got me stumped. The bones in his right arm and hand are completely gone, resulting in this fleshy mass," "I'm going to try to find that delusion," "I want six others to patrol that south perimeter. You so much as hear an owl fart you shoot first and ask questions later," "Sheriff, what the hell was that? I don't know, but it's something I'm going to have to stop by tomorrow," "Welcome back to the tribe, Running Wolf," and "I never left."

Rating: 8.0

***

And I think that'll be it for this week.

B-movies rule. Always remember that.

***

"Missionary Man"

Dolph Lundgren- Ryder
Mathew Tompkins- John Reno
John Enos III- Jarfe
Kateri Walker- Nancy
James Chalke- Sheriff Acoma
Directed by Dolph Lundgren
Screenplay by Dolph Lundgren and Frank Valdez
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for graphic violence and language
Runtime- 93 minutes
Buy it here




"The Russian Specialist"

Dolph Lundgren- Nikolai Cherenko
Ben Cross- William Burton
Ivan Petrushinov- Sasha
Olivia Lee- Julia Abramoff
Levana Finkelstein- Mary Abramoff
Directed by Dolph Lundgren
Screenplay by Dolph Lundgren, based on a story by Bryan Edward Hill
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for graphic violence, language, nudity, and some drug use
Runtime- 94 minutes
Buy it here

"Bone Eater"

Bruce Boxleitner- Sheriff Evans
Clara Bryant- Kelly Evans
Jennifer Lee Wiggins- Kaya
Jim Storm- Dick Krantz
Michael Horse- Storm Cloud
Gil Gerard- Big Jim Burns
Adoni Maropis- Johnny Black Hawk
Directed by Jim Wynorski
Distributed by Cine Tel Films and the Sci Fi Channel
Rated PG-13 for violence
Runtime- 90 minutes
Check local listings for showtimes (it will be on again)