I'm Not Gonna Lie 03.02.08

Posted by Nick Wallander on 03.02.2008

This week we discuss Oscar's most memorable moment, some Hogan family drama, an odd pairing for a stage musical, Freddy Krueger casting, and a little bit about imbreeding as well. Oh, yes there are two solid references to Zach Effron.

Okay, everyone, pull yourself away from those damn tabloids. At the end of the day, none of us give a rat's ass if Katie Holmes is pregnant again. However, I may show concern if some Thetan baby crawls out of her crotch to enlighten the world. Oh, who am I kidding? I'd still mock the hell out of the ugly little fucker just like the rest of you would.

I figured that you would want me to start with a pressing issue like the one above before I got to all the serious world changing stuff we normally talk about. On second thought, if I have to call it "stuff", it can't be all that significant to the average reader. But hell, it still gives you something to do while your boss thinks you are filing some expense reports or some crap like that. You all know what I am talking about. There isn't a person out there that doesn't check out some entertainment news while they are at work. Be careful though, or the IT Nazis might catch you in the act. Truthfully, many of us need a little Hollywood gossip to get us through the day, so why should I deprive you of such?

Before we get started, I should comment on the Oscars. If you recall, I told you to watch out for three things. One of them was Jon Stewart. He had a tough job in a room full of humorless pricks who didn't seem to laugh at much. However, Stewart did show what I said he would. The man did a lot of maneuvering on the fly, the biggest of which related to one of the other things I told you to watch out for. I am of course referring to the performance and win of the song "Falling Slowly" by the stars of "Once", Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Those two put out a memorable and breathtaking performance before they laid an ass whooping on those childish Disney songs. Then, when the time came, they got to accept their award. This of course, created what will be one of Oscar's most memorable moments.



Jon Stewart did something there that I can't recall ever seeing before. The Oscars are not really known for sympathy when that band starts playing, but Jon Stewart dared to be different and brought Irglova back out to have her moment. Then again, I suppose we can't confirm that Stewart had anything to do with it, but the guy seemed so genuine about the girl getting that moment, that I have to believe that he did this on the fly. And hell, what a sweet speech that was. Some people are arguing it was a little cliché, but I think they are missing the point here. Marketa Irglova seemed to speak for a whole population of dreamers out there, all of which dare to do big things with whatever talent god gave them. You get the sense that both Irglova and Hansard made that song for the love of music and not with any intent of it becoming a huge hit. Honestly though, the real reason I brought this up was so that I could post that video and watch Irglova again. She sure is adorable isn't she? I'd like to think of some dirty things to do with her, but unfortunately the sweetness is blinding my perv sensors.
Well, this week sure did prove to be a plethora of shenanigans and mayhem, so I suppose we should dive right into the drama that is Hollywood.

You have to believe it because it is in the Sun, right>

Earlier this week, popular British tabloid, The Sun, printed an article that indicates that the immortal Hulk Hogan has been involved in an affair with his daughter's friend. Apparently little Brooke Hogan is upset at her father for being involved with 33 year old Christiane Plante, an individual who befriended her when they worked on Brooke's 2006 album. Somewhere within the next year of that, the Hulkster was giving Plante "the leg drop", if you know what I mean. Brooke, handling this situation in a mature manner, posted a MySpace blog about it (which was later removed). Fortunately for fans everywhere, these two are not settling their family feud on the set of "American Gladiators".

Does Brooke think that is the first time that her Hall of Fame wrestler father has slept with a woman other than her mother? Let's be honest folks, the Hulkster is kind of a big deal. From the mid 80's through the late 90's he could have had his choice of women all over the world. A little love on that side was bound to happen and there was inevitably was going to be some collateral damage as well. Sure he was nailing Brooke's friend, but the woman is 33 years old and surely not one of Brooke's actual close friends. It isn't like she brought her classmates home, only to find them in bed with daddy later.

I'm not gonna lie, folks. If I were a woman in my 30s and a big strong famous man wanted to wrestle in my pants, I would probably have to say yeah. In this particular situation, I have to commend Ms. Plante because she is doing the world a favor. The more she keeps the Hulkster in the bed room, the less likely we are to ever see another movie like "Suburban Commando". Hell, wrestling fans might find it a relief in the event it keeps Hogan from ever getting in the ring again. Hmmm, it would sure be great if John Cena could get into some sticky situation like that.

It's a little ditty about Coug and King…

Did you hear the interesting little story involving Stephen King, John Mellencamp, and a stage musical? You might think I am just throwing some words together and hoping to make a story from it. That sounds like fun, but it is not however related to the actual story here. Reports are indicating that King is writing the script while Mellencamp is writing the music for a play called "Ghost Brothers of Darkland County." The story is said to be centering around a fictional Mississippi down in the late 50's where the death of two brothers and a young women create for a spooky legend of sorts. The play will debut sometime in early 2009.

King and Mellencamp sure seem like an interesting duo for such a project, don't they? The whole concept of a rock musical mixed with (what I assume will be) the horror genre can only be seen as unique. This is so off the wall that my friend Jason, a hard-core Mellencamp fan, was caught off guard a bit when I told him of the story. This surely seemed like news to him, but then he told his mother, an even bigger Mellencamp fan, about it. She affirmed that this was not all that big of news because she had heard rumors of such a project a while back. I scratch my head in wonder to that because such a unique project really wouldn't slip by me like that. Jason's mother clearly has some inside sources in the Mellencamp compound.

What do you guys think about this project? I only ask because we all know that it will be an eventual film starring Vanessa Hudgins and Zach Effron. It will be interesting to see how the rock and horror intertwine into an artistic display. The only similar example to this that I can recall would be the season 6 musical episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Be honest with me folks. Did I just waste my time by even bringing this up in the first place?

I suppose I never thought of this guy.

Do you remember a couple weeks ago when I contemplated as to whom should play Freddy Krueger in the remake of "Nightmare on Elm Street"? I came up with a few names and you all had some great suggestions on the comment board. These possible Freddies included John C McGinley, Christopher Meloni, Michael Emerson, Hugh Laurie, Johnny Depp, Tobin Bell, JK Simmons, and Crispon Glover. One name did show up in casting rumors this week and it sure as hell was not anyone on the list above.

So, who was the name attached to these rumors? Well, this guy was none other than "Smallville's" Michael Rosenbaum. In case you don't know him, he is the man who plays the young Lex Luthor. Clearly this is someone who was not on my radar for such a role. My first thought is that he seems a little young, but then I checked him out on the old IMDB. As it turns out, Rosenbaum is 36 years old. I don't really watch his TV show, so I will be counting on your thoughts about this decision.

At the end of the day they could make a worse decision than Michael Rosenbaum. This casting would at minimum be the equivalent of thinking outside of the box. It seems that the trend in these remakes is to make the cast seemingly younger, with Heath Ledger as the Joker being a prime example. Personally, I know jack shit about how Rosenbaum will play out as such a character. The only thing I really saw him in was an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". What do you guys think? Is this the right guy?

So, that's how they get the ugly people in movies!

Once upon a time there was a horror movie project by the name of "Shelter". This movie project was being shot in the state of West Virginia, which happens to be in the heart of Appalachia, a region of the country that has been unfairly stereotyped as being cool with a little family on family love, if you know what I mean. One day, during the production of this movie, a casting director named Donna Belajac decided that the movie needed some of the locals to be extras. In order to be as "authentic" as possible, Ms. Belajac put out a casting call which asked specifically for locals with facial features that could be described as "inbred". This advertisement angered West Virginia's Governor who made sure to condemn the movie as unwatchable. After this, the producers decided to make everything right by firing Ms. Belajac .

That really happened, folks. Someone really did ask for people to look inbred and a whole shit storm came from it. Some people might say that it was a just decision to fire the casting director. I say that this is just a case of the wrong person reading that casting call. Think about this, people. How in the hell do you think they get authentically ugly people in movies? It isn't like they all show up at the door anxiously awaiting the next movie role for a fuggle. Only a small fraction of these people have agents and even then they'll still need to respond to a casting call.

This really got me wondering about those people who do take movie roles as bit characters meant to be physical abominations of humanity. Are these people really comfortable with the fact that the movie only wants them because they are slightly hideous? Does their agent say things like "Don, this movie is looking for a 450 lbs man to mock the hell out of. Are you interested is sacrificing your dignity for $200?" Or even more disappointing must be going into the audition and being told you aren't ugly enough for the part. That must be like a slap in the face from god. You are freaking ugly, but for no good reason because you aren't ugly enough to profit from it. That is like being a real big slut, but not slutty enough to be a hooker.

At the end of the day this story was kind of ridiculous because it isn't like the woman said "Hey, West Virginia, you all fuck your cousins, so boy do we have a job for you. Since you are all ugly inbred monsters, you can come work for us!"

Don't tell anyone, but this week I read …

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8". First of all, I should address a thought that you are all thinking. Yes, I do understand that reading is for homeless people who can't afford the movie. However, I should make it clear in this case that this was not really a book, but more or less a graphic novel of sorts. So, because there are pictures in it, everything is cool.

As for the subject matter at hand, I have nothing but good things to say. Joss Whedon and several of his writers from the show have teamed up with comic book writers to bring us ten issues thus far in this series that picks up months after the television series has ended. Fans of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" should enjoy this series because it is essentially the same show they love, but in an entirely different media. If you are a fan and haven't stumbled upon this treat yet, I can assure you that the characters are just as you remember them. Hell, just about everything you knew and loved about the show is intact. You'll get nods to the show's mythology, the same witty quips, some pop culture references, and an incredible build to the impending battle with a big bad.

I should warn you that if you buy one of these books at a grocery store that the punk ass high school kids bagging your things will give you funny judgmental looks. You'll probably want to slap them across their faces for doing so or you might just want to grab them by their dangling Zach Effron hair and slam their head into the counter.

This week's LOST logic…

Lost this week featured a storyline that may or may not defy all logic of physics. However, I have no damn idea how advanced quantum physics work, so I am in no place to question any of the logic. This episode confused the shit out of me, but in a good way. The episode, entitled "The Constant", featured everyone's favorite hatch inhabitant, Desmond Hume, experiencing some problems with time travel of sorts. Okay, so he physically didn't travel through time, but his consciousness did. I'm not gonna lie, this almost seemed plausible. It would probably be easier for consciousness to travel through time than it would be for a person. Right? I'll let you think about that.

Still, when it was all said and done, this was one of the series' best episodes ever with a brilliant performance by Henry Ian Cusick. Keep an eye out for Ben Piper's recap because he does an amazing job putting all the details together for you all to analyze.


That's all I have for you this week. Feel free to leave some love below or via email.