Misunderstood Masterpieces 3.04.08: Shaft

Posted by Will Helm on 03.04.2008

…or, Who’s the Private Dick That’s a Sex Machine with All the Chicks and in a Laughably Bad Remake? SHAFT!

Damn right.

Way back in 1971, perhaps the most legendary – and only Oscar-winning – blaxploitation film was released to theaters: Shaft. Starring Richard Roundtree as the titular private eye, Shaft became well-known as one of the standouts of the genre – partially thanks to its award winning title song by Isaac Hayes – and spawned two sequels and a short-lived television series. Of course, in Hollywood, that isn't enough. Therefore, in 2000, a remake was released to theaters with the hopes of recapturing the magic that the original film had. To that end, lauded director John Singleton was drafted to write and direct the film . . . but he had help, as well. He had The Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™! Unfortunately, like many remakes, even the presence of Samuel L. Jackson wasn't enough to make the new Shaft a success at the box office, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was a terrible film . . . or was it? Like many remakes before it, perhaps the new Shaft isn't just any film, but a Misunderstood Masterpiece! Let's find out!

Shaft begins the right way – for an old-school, "Skinemax" erotic thriller – by interlacing a slightly updated version of the original Isaac Hayes theme with scenes of passionate coitus. I suppose there's nothing better than jumping right into the action like that; I wonder how this will serve the plot? At least Isaac Hayes is on the scene to let everyone know just who Shaft is . . . and, oddly, he hasn't changed in 29 years. He's still a sex machine and one bad mother – SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Same old, same old. He's like a blaxploitation James Bond, just with far fewer films.

After the random boot knockin', John Shaft (Jackson) gets a chauffeured ride to a murder scene; how else would he be able to get out on the passenger side of the car? Anyway, Shaft immediately recognizes there's a problem afoot with this murder, as the victim isn't really dead. Well, that's a start. With the victim still alive, Shaft takes some time off to go into a nearby bar . . . where he finds Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) on the phone. Shaft finds some incriminating blood on Patrick Bateman's fingers, so, after a bit of witty repartee, Shaft has Patrick Bateman arrested for not-murder. Even though he may very well have hookers dissolving in acid in a downtown loft and Jordan Catalano bleeding all over his apartment. With Patrick Bateman safely in custody, Shaft moves on to sequestering bartender Toni Collette and her amazing American accent because she – like, apparently, everyone – is also covered in incriminating blood.

Before Shaft can have Toni Collette and her amazing American accent held for questioning, some other chick comes in and gives Shaft a helpful flashback. Apparently, earlier in the night, Patrick Bateman started making fun of Mekhi Pfifer because he doesn't like any "urban" individuals in his personal space. Or his restaurant. But he probably doesn't mind them cleaning up his things back at home. Anyway, Mekhi Pfifer, being creative, responds by dropping a Ku Klux Klan hood on Patrick Bateman, much to everyone's entertainment and Patrick Bateman's chagrin. Uh-oh . . . he's going to start talking about Genesis or something soon! While Shaft learns the particulars of the case, professional hardass Daniel Von Bargen shows up and he's quite frustrated that Shaft is on the job for reasons unexplained. In the aftermath, Shaft discovers that Patrick Bateman is, in fact, a spoiled rich kid – as if that wasn't painfully obvious already – while Toni Collette and her amazing American accent have skipped out from the scene. Dum-dum-DUM! Shaft lets off some steam by punching Patrick Bateman in the face while Mekhi Pfifer – who was the victim after all – dies. Daniel Von Bargen, being a professional hardass, fires Shaft, who responds by calmly punching Patrick Bateman again, wandering off, and packing up his gear. Hmm . . . he really took that well.

Sometime later, in court, Shaft consoles The Chief (Lynne Thigpen) as Patrick Bateman is rewarded for ridding the city of another "urban" individual with remarkably inexpensive bail. Or he's just got good lawyers. Shaft retires to his office, dejected, and Patrick Bateman decides to add insult to emotional injury by calling Shaft from Switzerland and bragging about his freedom. Oh that crafty Patrick Bateman.

Two years later, Vanessa Williams – everyone's favorite bondage-lovin' Miss America – wanders around a tenement with a gun. I guess she's looking for whomever released those pictures years ago and she wants REVENGE! Or not, as she joins up with fellow cop Shaft – who I thought was fired for the Patrick Bateman incident – and a few other narcotics officers as they bust into a room full of Dominicans for no apparent reason. While his fellow officers hold down the fort and keep everyone at bay, Shaft finds some guy trying to get away, so he elects to chase him down. Of course, it can't be that easy, as Shaft finds trash cans and other debris flying in his direction during the chase; wow . . . it's like an old Nintendo game! And Shaft even gets shot at, but, sadly, the bullets aren't comically large due to the 8-bit graphics. In order to escape, Shaft's quarry jumps between windows across an alleyway; alas, it's for naught, however, as Shaft somehow uses his magic powers to catch up with the guy and arrest him.

After the job is done, Shaft elects to mess with the block's local crime lord, Latino Felix Leiter (Jeffery Wright), just because he's Shaft. After Shaft hits Latino Felix Leiter with a basketball, Latino Felix Leiter comes down from his window for a little chat . . . so Shaft has him arrested for poking a cop. For a hero, Shaft really is a bit of a jerk. Down at the station, Shaft argues with the nerdy white guy from Oz (Lee Tergesen) about some racial epithets and then Shaft fields a call from an informant about . . . something. Moments later, Shaft calls Busta Rhymes because he needs a favor. Ooh . . . maybe there's a hip-hop battle brewing and Shaft needs backup! Or not, as Shaft ends up at an airplane hangar, where, later, Busta Rhymes picks up a fugitive Patrick Bateman in a limousine. Much to Patrick Bateman's surprise, Shaft is waiting for him and arrests him once more. Meanwhile, Busta Rhymes jokes around with a naked chauffeur. OK . . . that's a little disturbing.

Down at the station, cops cheer Shaft's arrival with Patrick Bateman in tow, just because they love theatricality. During booking, Shaft and Patrick Bateman trade witticisms, while, from the pen, Latino Felix Leiter pipes up just because. Shaft, perhaps because he has a perverse sense of humor, has Patrick Bateman and Latino Felix Leiter locked up together . . . because it's always a good idea to have your two rivals in close proximity. Later that night, Shaft celebrates by going to a bar where he runs into his Uncle Shaft (Richard Roundtree, essentially reprising his most famous role). Uncle Shaft, being the original one bad mother – SHUT YOUR MOUTH! – tries to recruit the younger Shaft – even though Jackson is only six years younger than Roundtree in real life – for his detective agency, but Shaft wants to stay with the force for the time being.

While Shaft carouses with his friends and family, Patrick Bateman and Latino Felix Leiter go downtown together for processing. In a larger holding pen, some guy requests Patrick Bateman's shoes and slaps around the rich white boy to make his point, so Patrick Bateman responds by going UFC on the poor sap. Meanwhile, back at the bar, Shaft hits on the chick from ER (Gloria Reuben), but his smooth moves are rudely interrupted by a very irate Lawrence Taylor. Before LT can snap Shaft like a twig – or Joe Theismann's leg, he escorts Shaft into another room of the bar, revealing his anger to be a ruse because Shaft is actually the guest of honor at a surprise party! Yay for Shaft! And Uncle Shaft approves.

Downtown, Patrick Bateman and Latino Felix Leiter bond in prison over golf and boats and a mutual hatred for Shaft . . . even though Latino Felix Leiter is comically unintelligible. Meanwhile, back at the bar, Shaft and Uncle Shaft have a serious discussion about the Patrick Bateman case as Uncle Shaft, being six years older and, therefore, wiser, believes Patrick Bateman will get off again, as that is the rich white boy idiom. Shaft has a different kind of getting it on in mind, however, as some gnarly bartender hits on him and he responds in kind, because he's either really a sex machine or really desperate.

At the courthouse, Shaft chats with now-retired hardass Daniel Von Bargen and discerns, due to now-retired hardass Daniel Von Bargen's finely appointed retirement, that his fellow officer may very well have been corrupt. If that wasn't enough to get Shaft's goat, Patrick Bateman is awarded bail once again, so Shaft vociferously quits the force by throwing his badge at the judge. While Patrick Bateman gloats outside, Shaft counters with the fact that he still has Toni Collette's driver's license in his possession . . . though not her amazing American accent.

In the aftermath of Patrick Bateman's release, Shaft and Uncle Shaft team up for REVENGE! Meanwhile, Patrick Bateman and some old white guys scheme . . . until Patrick Bateman discovers that his father gave his HOT CHICK stepmother some of his mother's jewelry! Oh, he's not evil, he's just rebellious. Good to know, movie. Meanwhile, Shaft gets to work on his quest for REVENGE as he tracks down Toni Collette's annoyingly difficult mom – and her thick New York accent. But not an amazing American accent. Later, Shaft meets with Vanessa Williams for no particular reason on a ghetto street; maybe he just wants to impress her as he does a favor for one of Toni Collette's fellow bartenders by pistol-whipping some random thug and brainwashing him in the process. In response to the pistol-whipping, the ex-bartender tells Shaft where he can find Toni Collette and her amazing American accent: on a basketball court, strangely. Shaft attempts valiantly to apprehend her, but she gets away in her Camaro, probably because she's playing an Italian-American and all Italian-Americans have Camaros.

While, in the ‘hood, Patrick Bateman goes looking for Latino Felix Leiter, Shaft meets once again with Toni Collette's mom, who repeats that her daughter isn't in at the moment but if he'd like to leave a message he can when the door closes. Instead of talking to a closed door, Shaft merely tells some lackey to spy on the place for him, just in case Toni Collette – with or without her amazing American accent – shows up. Back in the ‘hood, Patrick Bateman tasks Latino Felix Leiter with the mission of finding Toni Collette – again, with or without her amazing American accent – and he pays him in jewels, just to hammer home the socio-economic elements of the film. Latino Felix Leiter responds to Patrick Bateman's request with a stirring, unintelligible monologue, the gist of which is that, apparently, Latino Felix Leiter just wants to party downtown. Or he wants Patrick Bateman to sell coke for him. Either way, it's not very clear until Patrick Bateman refuses Latino Felix Leiter's offer . . . but Latino Felix Leiter agrees to take Patrick Bateman's job because he respects the rich white kid's chutzpah.

Later that night, Shaft pulls up somewhere in the ‘hood and, after getting out of his car, one of Latino Felix Leiter's lackeys follows. Shaft, being Shaft and, therefore, smarter than most people though a bit of a jerk, discovers the lackey . . . but it's revealed through a helpful shift in scene that the lackey is actually a stool pigeon for Shaft! Dum-dum-DUM! While the lackey tells Shaft what's up, two of Shaft's ex-colleagues on the narcotics squad pull up and spy some telltale tattoos on the informant. Sometime later, Latino Felix Leiter has another unintelligible monologue, this time to a fat baby . . . and Shaft's ex-colleagues! Is everyone crooked in this movie just to make Shaft a hero by attrition or something? After Latino Felix Leiter may or may not tell the ex-colleagues to tail Shaft in order to find Toni Collette and her amazing American accent, the ex-colleagues respond by notifying Latino Felix Leiter about the traitor in his ranks. Latino Felix Leiter repays the dissention the best way he can think of: defenestration!

The next day, Shaft meets with Latino Felix Leiter at a coffeehouse and Latino Felix Leiter responds to Shaft's presence with yet more unintelligible rambling. Later, at Toni Collette's mom's house, Shaft and Vanessa Williams threaten Toni Collette's stereotypically goomba brothers as they're just simply looking for their sister. To break up the tense standoff, Toni Collette's mom tells Shaft and Vanessa Williams to get lost. After Shaft and Vanessa Williams drive away, they figure out – through some terribly obvious pursuit – that there are crooked cops on their collective tail. Dum-dum-DUM!

That evening, Patrick Bateman goes somewhere with knapsack in hand. Before Patrick Bateman gets wherever he's going, he's mugged for the knapsack . . . and it turns out to be Shaft and the nerdy guy from Oz! I guess they've found some racial common ground in the intervening time since his last appearance. That's nice to see. Patrick Bateman, quite put out by his victimization, visits with Latino Felix Leiter to tell him the bad news, so Latino Felix Leiter responds by putting Patrick Bateman to work as a drug mule to pay off the $42,000 he lost. Oops. Oh . . . I would be remiss in not mentioning that, during this entire scene, Latino Felix Leiter is busy dropping a deuce. I don't know if there are any dramatic or thematic implications to that, but I do have to say, thank you, movie. I've always wanted to see an unintelligible villain take a crap.

After Vanessa Williams, through some creative detective work – mainly a tapped phone, gets Toni Collette's address, Shaft decides to go looking for her and her amazing American accent. First, however, Shaft messes with the dirty cops by having them follow a decoy to some random house in the middle of nowhere. Strangely, Latino Felix Leiter is already there waiting for them, as Shaft has Busta Rhymes frame the dirty cops for stealing the $42,000! The scene gets tense until one of Latino Felix Leiter's lackeys – who went off to let loose the bladder juice . . . what is the deal with this movie and human waste? – reveals that he saw Shaft driving off, which must mean, somehow, that this situation is all a red herring. Like Communism.

With Latino Felix Leiter and the dirty cops slightly distracted, Shaft and Busta Rhymes go off in search of Toni Collette and her amazing American accent. Shaft FINALLY finds her and, in the process of taking her to safety, he shoots a multitude of Latino Felix Leiter's men . . . including, accidentally, Latino Felix Leiter's kid brother – who was also the one taking a leak earlier. Latino Felix Leiter swears REVENGE, but, before he can enact it, he's unceremoniously run over by Toni Collette's brothers' Camaro. While one of the brothers tries to strangle Shaft and they drive away, a remarkably not dead – nor even grievously injured – Latino Felix Leiter stabs the other brother with an ice pick, just because. Or he's a huge fan of the Basic Instinct films.

In the aftermath of the shootout, Latino Felix Leiter tells the dirty cops that he wants REVENGE – or something like that, as he is quite unintelligible – while Shaft takes Toni Collette, her amazing American accent, her brother, and Busta Rhymes to Busta Rhymes' apartment . . . although I guess he can't really take Busta Rhymes to his own apartment. Any other way, however, would mess up the structure of the sentence. Oh well. Elsewhere, Patrick Bateman goes to his office, where Latino Felix Leiter is waiting for him . . . and he's not in a good mood. Patrick Bateman wisemouths Latino Felix Leiter, so Latino Felix Leiter responds by stabbing Patrick Bateman in the hand. OK, whatever, movie. Afterward, Latino Felix Leiter rallies his Latino army for an all-out assault on Shaft and Toni Collette's amazing American accent . . . probably because Jeffery Wright's awful Dominican accent is jealous.

Back at Busta Rhymes' apartment, Shaft questions Toni Collette and her amazing American accent and they have a flashback back to the fateful night Mekhi Pfifer died. All those years ago, Toni Collette and her amazing American accent, sharing a cigarette, watched in horror as Patrick Bateman bludgeoned Mekhi Pfifer with a stanchion. Then, afterward, he threatened her and then paid her off to keep her quiet . . . and him out of jail. Meanwhile, down on the street, Vanessa Williams messes with the dirty cops, so they shoot her for her insolence. And just to really hammer home the fact that they're dirty cops.

After Vanessa Williams is dispatched, Latino Felix Leiter's army shows up on the scene, but Shaft sees a lackey cock his Uzi, so Shaft shoots him . . . and tens of other lackeys as well. It's hard out here for a lackey, evidently. Toni Collette, her amazing American accent, her brother, and Busta Rhymes run for safety while the dirty cops corner Shaft in a dark alley. Luckily for Shaft, Vanessa Williams returns from the dead to shoot the dirty cops to death. Dum-dum-DUM! Moments later, Busta Rhymes races to the district attorney's office with his cohorts in tow . . . and Latino Felix Leiter giving chase! Latino Felix Leiter rams Busta Rhymes' Lincoln with his SUV, rolling the Lincoln. Remarkably, Shaft survives PERFECTLY UNHARMED . . . but, somehow, Latino Felix Leiter ends up with Toni Collette and her amazing American accent in his clutches. Maybe he'll force her to give him dialect coaching at gunpoint or something. Or not, as Shaft challenges Latino Felix Leiter to a fight and then shoots him anyway, just because he's Shaft and he can.

Sometime later, at the courthouse, Shaft meets with The Chief and Toni Collette . . . and, yes, her amazing American accent. Moments later, Patrick Bateman drives up in his limousine . . . and The Chief shoots him to death. Wait. WAIT! That's it? That's the resolution? Couldn't she have done that ages ago and saved me the trouble of watching this film? I'm sure John Singleton would've appreciated that too, as Shaft certainly didn't do his career any favors. Sigh . . . anyway, there's still a little more movie left, as, down at the precinct, Shaft chats with not-dead Vanessa Williams as she wants him to rejoin the force, but he wants to stay independent and in business with Uncle Shaft. To that end, Shaft takes another job, but he still has to listen to Busta Rhymes complain . . . until Shaft and Uncle Shaft give him A NEW CAR! Where's Rich Fields when you need him?

Ugh. That's all I have to say. Ugh. For an action film, Shaft is mind-numbingly dull, filled with a little too much race relations and socio-economics for my taste. There's far too much going on in a film that's just over ninety minutes . . . but yet any of the little action is either paint-by-number set pieces – the car chases and Latino Felix Leiter's demise – or meandering shootouts. In addition, perhaps other than Vanessa Williams, there's really no sympathetic character, as even Shaft and Toni Collette aren't exactly painted in the most flattering of colors. In fact, during their limited time on screen, Uncle Shaft far outshines Shaft, perhaps due to Richard Roundtree's comfort with the character . . . plus, he may very well be cooler than Samuel L. Jackson. Hard to believe, but true. Although, in its favor, Shaft may be the first film I've seen where dropping kids off at the porcelain pool and draining the vein are IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS, so that is just enough to make it a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I set off to see with a trilogy of films that are certainly rated ARGHHH! See you then!