Misunderstood Masterpieces 3.18.08: The Pirate Movie

Posted by Will Helm on 03.18.2008

…or, This Is the Very Model of a Modern Gilbert & Sullivan Rip-Off

As mentioned last week, one of the few bright spots – other than the oft-forgotten cult comedy Cabin Boy – during the dark times of pirate films from between the early ‘40s and The Pirates of the Caribbean is the 1983 film adaptation of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance, given a free pass only for being literary. Just what is the basis of this "free pass"? Well, way back on New Year's Eve, 1879, in New York, famous operetta composers Arthur Sullivan and W.S. Gilbert officially debuted what would become one of their most famous works, if not their most famous: The Pirates of Penzance. Continuing with the nautical theme set forth in H.M.S. Pinafore, The Pirates of Penzance was a hit on both sides of the ocean, cementing its position as one of the best examples of Gilbert and Sullivan's work.

Astute fans of Victorian operettas will notice that The Pirates of Penzance opened in New York, and not Gilbert & Sullivan's traditional home base of London. Supposedly, Gilbert and Sullivan did this to thwart unscrupulous American promoters and producers from "pirating" their score and libretto as occurred with their previous works. Ironically, a little more than a century later, The Pirates of Penzance would be itself "pirated" into a somewhat modern-day interpretation and one of the worst films of 1982 . . . and this week's infamous addition to the pirate trilogy: The Pirate Movie. Perhaps seeking to cash in on the Broadway revival of The Pirates of Penzance, executive producer Ted Hamilton – more on him later, among others, conspired to "update" Gilbert and Sullivan's masterwork and make it more palatable to the average early-‘80s moviegoer. The end result, sadly, was a critical and box-office flop and a multiple Razzie Award winner and, now, the second part of this trilogy . . . but The Pirate Movie still has to prove its sea legs as a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Apparently, as per the tenor set forth by the opening credits, pirates really love ‘80s synth rock. Or, at least, pirates dueling on really old stock footage love ‘80s synth rock. Adding another odd layer to this pastiche, the old stock-footage pirates who love ‘80s synth rock also happen to be on television . . . in the movie. Thanks for that, director Ken Annakin! I can't wait until you turn into Ken Darth Vader. Anyway, after the credits end and the television is shut off, some goofy guy dressed as a pirate (Ted Hamilton . . . who looks like he could be George Hamilton's brother, but he isn't) hosts a pirate symposium at a theme park, while HOT CHICKS walk in unison on the beach. Meanwhile, behind the HOT CHICKS, Kristy MacNichol, dressed as Ralphie from A Christmas Story, follows along with a giant boom box.

Somehow, the HOT CHICKS – with Kristy MacNichol in tow – end up in the same area as the goofy fake pirate, who has his trusty associate Christopher Atkins – who was probably typecast due to his turn in The Blue Lagoon – teach a lucky member of the crowd some sweet fencing moves. For no reason in particular, the HOT CHICKS volunteer Kristy MacNichol to take part; once on stage with Christopher Atkins – but without her Red Ryder BB Gun with the compass in the stock and this thing that tells time – introduces herself as "Mabel." What parents would curse a young lady with a name like that? No wonder she's nondescript and asexual.

Anyway, Christopher Atkins gives Mabel a few lessons in fencing and double entendre and then he invites her to go diving with him. Hmm . . . that's an interesting come on. Or maybe he's just conspiring to get with the HOT CHICKS, as Christopher Atkins tells Mabel to bring them along too. Unfortunately for Mabel, the plot is revealed when the HOT CHICKS conspire to leave her alone on the dock, maybe because they know Christopher Atkins isn't into asexual, nondescript women named "Mabel." In response, Mabel hijacks a sailboat to try and catch up with Christopher Atkins and the HOT CHICKS; preposterously, even though Christopher Atkins' boat has clear seas ahead, a storm appears above Mabel's boat and unceremoniously knocks her overboard. Oh well, I guess that's it for the movie!

Or not, as, luckily for Mabel, she doesn't drown, but she does wind up unconscious on a beach somewhere . . . and she time-warps back to pirate times. While Mabel, presumably, sleeps, Christopher Atkins leads a horde of pirates on a ship somewhere in the Pacific, while, on the same ship, the goofy pirate guy from earlier primps while doing his best Errol Flynn impression. The calmness doesn't last, however, as rival pirates attack the ship . . . and they've brought ninjas! OK. It's official. The Pirate Movie is the coolest movie ever (as of now) because it features pirates vs. ninjas! What could be better?

Of course, the good pirates thwart the evil pirates and ninjas and, to celebrate fake Errol Flynn sings some Gilbert and Sullivan! Oh great . . . modern music co-existing with classic tunes; it's just Dirty Dancing all over again. Sorry, The Pirate Movie, but you are no longer the coolest movie ever. After the musical number, fake Errol Flynn gives Christopher Atkins a pirate diploma – supposedly, he aced pillaging, but needed a tutor for raping – but Christopher Atkins does a shocking swerve as his quits the pirate business! Apparently, that's not all, as he also wants REVENGE against all pirates everywhere because he still has emotional baggage stemming from the demise of his family at the hands of brigands . . . even though the good pirates had nothing to do with that.

Fake Errol Flynn, Christopher Atkins' ersatz father, blames himself for Christopher Atkins' petulance, but Christopher Atkins blames his own zeitgeist and a case of blue balls. No, really. He wants a woman, and the ship's resident wench (Maggie Kirkpatrick) won't suffice. Perhaps to prove to Christopher Atkins that he doesn't need a woman to be happy, the rest of the pirates dance in a remarkably homoerotic manner. Oh boy. After the queer performance ends, fake Errol Flynn rewards Christopher Atkins with a dinghy . . . and then the rest of the pirates, not wanting a whiny emo kid in their ranks, make him walk the plank. Oh well, I guess that's it for the movie!

Or not, as some virgins – who also happen to be Mabel's HOT CHICK friends – skip and dance on a beach somewhere. Mabel, meanwhile, watches from the periphery, while dressed like Olivia Newton-John from Xanadu . . . which is probably the last movie anyone would want to emulate at this point. Somehow, the other virgin HOT CHICKS get changed into old-time swimsuits on the beach and continue their impromptu performance; Mabel, however, remains behind, mocking the virgin HOT CHICKS to the audience. Fourth wall? What's that? Although I do have to question the logic in making a silly movie and then having a character point out that the movie is, indeed, silly. That's like titling a record "This Album Sucks."

While the virgin HOT CHICKS cavort and frolic on the beach, Christopher Atkins strokes his dinghy to the shore. After the ship's resident wench swims up with Christopher Atkins' boots for no particular reason, he spies the virgin HOT CHICKS though his – logically – spyglass, which gets really excited at the view. The spyglass, not Christopher Atkins. Although he might be excited as well, as he jumps from the dinghy and swims to shore in wacky hyper-speed! Once there, the virgin HOT CHICKS run in fear . . . until Christopher Atkins sees Mabel on the shoreline and their psyches sing a telepathic duet together. That must mean they're already in love; hopefully it doesn't turn out that they're actually brother and sister. Oops.

After the plot-specific ballad – and the accompanying frolicking – concludes, Mabel believes her and Frederic (a.k.a. Christopher Atkins) have bonded enough for him to meet her father. Wow . . . that's pretty quick. She must be desperate or something. Meanwhile, before Frederic and Mabel can announce their betrothal, the rest of the pirates sail in to interrupt the proceedings . . . and run aground comically. Something tells me that'll be a decision they regret; it's a pain to put pirate ships into reverse. The pirates, being pirates, quickly pursue the virgin HOT CHICKS, who, strangely, play coy with the pirates, rather than running away to protect their virtue. Methinks "virgin" is a misnomer with these ladies.

Mabel, however, seeks to protect the virgin HOT CHICKS' collective virtue, so she leaps to the fore to defend her sisters by dueling with fake Errol Flynn. Fake Errol Flynn, as per his particular idiom, obliges, but he makes sure to flirt with Mabel during the whole melee. Before fake Errol Flynn can end the fight, the very model of a modern major general (Bill Kerr) – who also happens to be Mabel and the virgin HOT CHICKS' father – arrives on the scene to sing the most famous song of The Pirates of Penzance . . . with a few annoying lyrical updates. Seriously; he name-checks The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, among other things. Gilbert and/or Sullivan have to be spinning in their graves. Anyway, everyone joins in on the modern major general's fun . . . until the modern major general discovers that the pirates on hand just happened to be the same pirates who stole his family's fortune years earlier! Dum-dum-DUM! The pirates, perhaps in awe at the presence of a modern major general, simply leave quietly and let Frederic and Mabel enjoy their love together. Although . . . something tells me this is all just a ruse. It's just a hunch.

Later that evening, Mabel chats with the modern major general about Frederic and their love, but the modern major general doesn't want to hear any of it, because Frederic is too poor for his liking. Mabel, too in love to see her father's practical advice, instead proposes to Frederic that they steal the pirates' treasure – which also happens to be her family's riches – to impress her father. Frederic, being dumb with infatuation, obliges and he and Mabel swim to the ship for a nighttime raid. Once there, Mabel plans to seduce fake Errol Flynn because he has an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT tattooed on his back, specifically a treasure map to her family's fortune.

While Mabel disturbingly hits on fake Errol Flynn, Frederic comically tries to transcribe the map from fake Errol Flynn's naked back. Hilarity ensues. A little. Very little. Mabel, strangely, claims to be a feminist all the while, as she forces fake Errol Flynn to pose for her, proving that men are her subordinates. This becomes important later. Finally, with her mission complete, she blindfolds fake Errol Flynn and transforms herself into a the ship's resident wench, who gets down to business with fake Errol Flynn in Mabel's stead. Their mission complete, Frederic and Mabel escape with the map in hand and Frederic also leaves the pirates a going away present: he's sabotaged the ship. Before Frederic and Mabel can reach shore, a one-legged pirate awakens and dances and then the ship sinks. Umm . . .yeah.

The next day, Frederic goes deep-sea diving while Mabel accompanies him with an air pump and some ‘80s synth pop. While Mabel pumps and blows – according to the song . . . which is probably why she's still a "technical" virgin, Frederic searches the ocean floor for her family's treasure and he's kept company by badly animated singing fish and an octopus playing guitar. No, really. After a few moments of searching, Frederic finds the treasure and he and Mabel bring it home to her father, who is rather unimpressed. Frederic, perhaps seeking to spur the modern major general into action, proposes that the modern major general fight the pirates with his (nonexistent) army. The modern major general, fed up with impetuous youth, tells Frederic to do it his damn self. Essentially.

Before Frederic can rally the townsmen into a fighting force to be reckoned with, fake Errol Flynn shows up to take Frederic – at gunpoint – to a nearby church for an unplanned funeral. Frederic, not happy to face his demise so early in the film, jumps through a window to escape and, through a convoluted series of events, into a library, where the ship's resident wench is waiting to hold him captive. Frederic, cornered, pulls a sword on fake Errol Flynn and they duel all over the modern major general's palace, even ending up on the roof. Eventually, Frederic and fake Errol Flynn make their way back into the church and, once there, they trade magic tricks and then perform a trapeze act, just because they can. Finally, fake Errol Flynn disarms Frederic and seeks to land the killing blow, but Frederic preposterously pulls out a lightsabre and threatens fake Errol Flynn with it . . . until the ship's resident wench breaks up the fun with an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT! Frederic, it is revealed, is still indentured to fake Errol Flynn as he's technically only 5 ¼-years-old due to being born on a Leap Day, and not 21 as he originally thought. Dum-dum-DUM!

Frederic, bound by duty to fake Errol Flynn, repays his former mentor by selling out Mabel and the modern major general, revealing that the treasure is now in the mansion. After turning on his former love and her father, Frederic sings about his treachery . . . while hallucinating about Mabel. Perhaps distraught with grief, Frederic then has flashbacks to happier times with Mabel, where they had a picnic and a butler walked out of a pond. Whatever, movie.

Frederic, hiding from his conscience, rests in a coffin in the church, but Mabel finds him there and mocks the fact that he's so emo. Not only that, she also thinks he might be gay. I guess being around fake Errol Flynn set something off in Mabel's loins, because she doesn't want to die a virgin . . . even though she's a feminist, of sorts. Yeah . . . it's all confusing sexual politics. I don't get it either. And I'm sure neither Gilbert nor Sullivan cared about such things . . . or, at least, I don't think they did. I'll just assume they didn't because I'm too lazy to do research. Anyway, Mabel, seeking to pop her cherry, strips for Frederic – revealing an anachronistic bikini tan line in the process – but, instead of being ravished, she just talks to a statue. Well, at least she knows that's erect.

Frederic, embarrassed by his impotence, responds to Mabel's entreaties with silly jibber-jabber . . . and then he walks on water. Oh . . . so he's a religious ascetic then? Whatever the situation, Mabel sings about it . . . while Frederic wanders aimlessly around the island. Oh, he's so emo. That evening, Mabel has a heart-to-heart with her drunken father about fending off the pirates, but he responds that he only likes fighting theoretically; ah . . . so he's a LARP-er then? Mabel, at wit's end with all the milquetoast men in her life, pledges to fight the pirates herself, so she blackmails her father into helping her. Or something like that.

The next day, a bunch of guys dressed like British cops march and sing in town. Mabel, on her high horse – literally – accosts them and the lead British cop hallucinates that she's Joan of Arc. Somehow, this causes the British cops to run off in fear and then fake Inspector Clouseau shows up in their wake. OK . . . did the fathers of the guys who would create the "Blank" Movie series work on The Pirate Movie? I'm starting to get a little miffed with the pop-culture references and, after all, it does follow the "Blank" Movie titling pattern. Anyway, fake Inspector Clouseau questions Mabel as per his particular idiom and the scene limps to an end.

Sometime later, Mabel leads the British cops – while they sing – and then they hide for no particular reason other than all the men in this film are cowards. Meanwhile, the pirates slowly – very slowly – raid the modern major general's estate . . . but they comically take the time to ring the doorbell first. While the pirates invade the mansion, Mabel has her virgin HOT CHICK sisters strip for the pirates . . . but first, more singing! Frederic, alongside his pirate associates, finds Mabel hiding in a suit of armor; after a bit of pointless bickering, they kiss and make up. Inside the mansion's library, the pirates scale the banisters while Mabel and her virgin HOT CHICK sisters try to fight them off. Just as the pirates crest the railings, the British cops show up . . . but their batons deflate out of fear. There really is a lot of Freudian imagery in this movie and I'd love to know why.

The action, somehow, shifts to the mansion's gymnasium, where fake Errol Flynn works out and a melee ensues, in the midst of which Indiana Jones shoots some guy with a scimitar. OK . . . really, movie. Surely you jest. Some chefs, for no particular reason, arrive on the scene and start lobbing pizzas at everyone until, finally, Frederic and Mabel face off and sing, until Mabel knees Frederic in the junk. Remarkably, he feels it, making this the first time he's shown any evidence of genitals in the whole film. Moments later, the modern major general rides in to save the day . . . until fake Errol Flynn sentences Mabel to death. Mabel, unhappy with just how her – extremely Freudian – dream is turning out, throws a tantrum, so fake Errol Flynn stands down and the modern major general knights Frederic.

In the aftermath of Frederic's ascension, time stops and Mabel, taking control of her unconscious, pairs up her sisters with the pirates . . . and even pairs up a few of the pirates together. The next day, everyone – though mainly just Frederic and Mabel and fake Errol Flynn and the wench – gets married and sings and dances about it. With everything in order, Mabel wakes up on a beach – still dressed like Ralphie – and Christopher Atkins is waiting for her. After he takes her back to civilization, they end up married as well and it's revealed that all of the characters from her dream are there too . . . as if this was The Wizard of Oz. Great . . . the entire movie's conceit is one giant pop-culture reference.

To be honest, up until nary a few days ago, I hadn't seen The Pirate Movie since the early ‘80s on HBO. Perhaps it's a good thing that I didn't, as this has to be one of the most misguided films I've seen in a long time. For the most part, The Pirate Movie begins as an interpretation of The Pirates of Penzance, but it becomes a pastiche of pop-culture references and, even worse, early ‘80s music. At one time I thought that Dirty Dancing was bad for mixing contemporary music with early ‘60s classics, but this is a terrible bastardization of a legendary Victorian operetta. The Pirate Movie is woeful, meandering, and pointless . . . and a welcome addition to the annals of Misunderstood Masterpieces.

Join me next week as I sail the high seas with a few decent actors and a pretty awful director for the last part of this trilogy of piracy. See you then!