The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 3.22.08: Issue #7

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 03.22.2008

"Doomed" and "Terror in Beverly Hills"

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #7: "Doomed" and "Terror in Beverly Hills"

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the seventh issue of the B-movie review column legendary rock & roll musician and Hall of Famer Tom Petty doesn't read while sitting on the toilet every Sunday morning (well, as far as I know he doesn't), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host, Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, I'm going to take a look at the low budget horror flick from 2007, "Doomed," and the 1991 release "Terror in Beverly Hills" starring Frank Stallone.

Yes. The Frank Stallone.

Doomed


"Doomed" really isn't a movie in the traditional sense in that there are no protagonists or antagonists and a minimum of what normal people would call "drama." Instead, it's a big gimmick in the general form of a movie (it has an opening credits sequence, "characters" say things to other "characters," there's music, and then there's an ending credits sequence). But it's not really a movie. Beyond "gimmick" I don't know what you could call it.

In the year 2020, the most popular form of entertainment is a "game" called "Survival Island 2020" (naturally), where engaged viewers watch ten criminals on a "deserted island" attempt to survive through three days on the island. The ten contestants are split up into color coded teams of two and given a supplies filled backpack and a map and told to get to the "other side" of the island where freedom and a bag of money await the ultimate survivor. Or survivors. I'm not really clear on that particular part of the "game."

So anyway, when the flick starts, we immediately meet our ten contestants. There's Boyle (Ward Roberts) and Conrad (Drew Russell) as the black team. Benny (Edwin Villa) and Trey (Andre McCoy) as the blue team. Leigh (Sarah Christopher) and Reese (Steve Cryen) are the gray team. Dawn (Heidi Marie Wanser) and Kyra (Kara Schaaf) are the green team. And Sybil (M.C. Brown) and Wes (Aaron Gaffey) are the red team. We don't get much background information about them beyond that they're criminals convicted of various serious crimes (you know, robbery, murder, fraud, stuff like that) and the following: Boyle is an idiot, Conrad is a survivalist psycho loner, Benny is just a guy, Trey is the "black guy," Leigh is a blonde chick, Reese is a former Marine, Dawn is the "black chick," Kyra is a wimp, Sybil is a hot Asian chick, and Wes is a computer nerd. No one seems to know why they're on the island (named Isla de Romero. Ha!) until a hologram appears explaining the rules of the game. Of course, the hologram (Michael Kehoe) doesn't explain every facet of the game. There's plenty of friction within the teams because no one is happy about the game or, well, dying. And they, like the audience, isn't sure what to expect.

After the blue team implodes (Trey and Benny beat the crap out of one another), the other teams grab their packs and spread out. Little do they know that there are surprises waiting for them in the trees and the wilderness and the rock canyons and whatnot. The island, the Isla de Romero, is inhabited by zombies. Or, well, "infecteds," which seems to be the new non-zombie descriptive word for zombies in this day and age (infecteds is sort of like saying pre-owned vehicle or graphic novel instead of saying used car or comic book. Infecteds are zombies). The zombies are ferocious, running, snorting hooligans with a penchant for attacking and biting and, well, attacking and biting. Where they come from exactly is unclear (Reese tells a story about a rumor he heard when he was in the Marines about a military contractor wanting to turn Special Forces guys into super soldiers for some reason and then abandoning the project) and how to kill them is unclear. Everyone just seems to beat them to death, but, again, it's unclear if that's just something you do to stop them for a little while or if that kills them. "Doomed" is mostly a bloodless affair, so there's no vast array of gnarly head shots or up close skull crushing with oozing brains, just a bunch of up close, blurry or off screen stabbings and beatings. I'm going to assume that director Michael Su inserted video game esque "point tallies" into every fight and action scequence to create some potential tension and visual excitement to make up for the lack of gore. It's an interesting idea but it becomes tiresome after about ten minutes because we don't really know why those point tallies show up. Is the hologram host keeping score? Why? And how are the points awarded?

The flick also jumps around quite a bit, with the scene shifting to an obvious cheaply animated island and then honing in on a particular team. This technique helps the flick move along quickly and does add an element of suspense and tension to the alleged story (who will die and when? The ending will probably surprise you, but not in the mind blowing sense. More of a "So that
one is going to live? What the heck ever). I just wish we knew more in terms of the background of the game. What exactly is the larger point of the game?

Now, is the flick meant to be a kind of high minded social commentary on the state of reality television and what it could eventually become in the future as television producers attempt to continue to appeal to the lowest common denominator? Or is it a comment on video games? I have no idea. I really don't. I'm going to assume that someone, either the director or the screenwriters or one of the flick's many prodcuers, could argue that it is a sly social commentary on something (kind of a "we can't afford blood so we'll make a statement instead!" thing). Or maybe it's a parody of the fast running zombie movies that have come out the last few years or just a blatant homage. Again, I don't know. If you do know, feel free to chime in and explain.

I will say, though, that despite the seeming lack of a point, the lack of gore, and the shoddy acting (oh, yeah, the acting is bad here), "Doomed" isn't a bad way to waste eighty minutes of your life. As I said above, I just wish the flick took some time to explain itself in a little more detail.

So what do we have here? A low budget opening titles sequence, gratuitous destered island, five teams of two, different colored t-shirts, a fist fight, gratuitous video game on screen hit points, a double stabbing, gratuitous sawed off double barrel shotgun, gratuitous running zombie attacks, zombie stabbing, neck snapping, gratuitous lame background story that may or may not be the truth, gratuitous shifting scenes, a hot Asian chick's thigh, a crossbow, a sword, beating by tree branch, putting on camo war paint, a neon green filter, gratuitous "game recap," gratuitous machete, gratuitous rubber .44 magnum, CG bloodless shotgun blast to the head, hanging from a tree, zombie blood spit to the face, walking across a log, arrow to the head, a rock hole, a bunker that looks like Creighton Duke's training compound, gratuitous infrared, walking down long dark corridors, a bag full of money, a force field, a boat, and an end titles sequence that shows contestants from previous games.

Best lines: "Trey Dog up in here!," "Bitch ass nigga! Made me lose my fucking diamonds!," "Hey, hey, you guys see my teammate, a guy in a black T-shirt?,"How ya doing? Can you keep this pace?," "Why would we need a gun for this game?," "Fuck! We're so fucked! I don't know how to read one of these things!," "You should really clean that up before it gets infected," "What kind of fucked up game are we playing?," "Hey, mule! Over here!," "You know, I don't mean to sound defeatist, but how are we going to survive this?," "What I wouldn't do for a nice, cold beer," "I'm a pacifist. I truly believe that the keystroke is mightier than the sword," "I'm not like her!," "Check out Mr. Gun Control," "What do we get? Some water and a chainsaw?," "Cut me the crap Boyle and throw me the fucking rope!," "Boyle you motherfucker!," and "Fuck it. Dog eat dog, bitch."

Rating: 6.0/10.0


"Terror in Beverly Hills"


"Terror in Beverly Hills" is one of the most inept movies anyone has ever made anywhere in the world. Directed by John Myhers, it's an Israeli movie made with the same sensibility as any number of wicked bad 1980's Italian genre movies, or, really, any movie made by Fred "The Hammer" Williamson in Italy. It "stars" Frank Stallone (who you could call the white Fred Williamson) as Hack Stone, a retired Marine and former Special Forces guy who is brought back into service by the President of the United States after the President's daughter Margaret (Lysa Hayland) is kidnapped by "terrorists" in Beverly Hills. But Hack isn't pressed into service by a badly dubbed William Smith for about an hour because the movie has to flail around and make absolutely no sense before Hack shows up to "kick butt."

See, over in the Middle East, while praying in what I assume is a mosque, Abdul (Behrouz Vossoughi) and Mohammed (Shahurad Vossughi), upset about the Israelis capturing and killing Palestinians, decide to strike back at Israel and the United States by hatching a plan to kidnap the President's daughter in Beverly Hills. Their fellow bad guys (because as the movies teach us all Palestinians are bad guys) in LA have been watching Margaret travel around Beverly Hills, shopping and whatnot, and decide to launch a kidnapping attempt at a ritzy clothing boutique. Abdul and Mohammed show up at the boutique in your standard movie bad guy cargo van, walk into the store, kill Margaret's Secret Service bodyguards in slow motion and a bunch of other people who get in the way, also in slow motion, grab Margaret, and run off.

Abdul and Mohammed eventually arrive at their hideout (an abandoned bean factory. I am not making that up), tie Margaret up, and call the only TV station in Los Angeles with their list of demands. They want the President of the United States to tell the Israelis to release 55 Palestinian prisoners in twelve hours or they'll kill Margaret.

Good God what is the President to do? He's going to do what any President would do. He'll let the LAPD handle it.

In walks Capt. Stills (Cameron Mitchell), who when he isn't complaning about losing his pension, tries to come up with a plan to get Margaret back. It mostly involves standing outside the abandoned warehouse where the terrorists are holed up and smoking a cigar and talking to his black lieutenant and yelling at his grunt cops. Stills really has no idea what to do, mostly because the director and the screenwriter don't know what to do.

Now, when we first meet Stallone's Hack, he's exercising in his karate dojo with his old buddy Bill Derrick (Ron Waldron). When they're done sparring, Hack gives Bill this long, drawn out, incredibly boring background story on how he used to be friends with Abdul back in the day, but isn't friends with Abdul anymore because some bad stuff went down. Derrick, a local cop, ends up involved in the hostage stand off, but he first has to go into a strip club and harrass a bunch of people before arresting a black guy (named "Black dude" in the credits) for buying stolen watches. As the hostage situation drags on, Derrick volunteers to pose as an EMT so he can go into the warehouse and help out one of Abdul's wounded comrades. At this point, you kind of assume that Derrick is the story's hero because Hack Stone has disappeared. But then Derrick is killed in a badly lit foot chase and shoot out that makes no sense. You'd think that such a brutal murder of a friend and karate buddy would make Hack Stone mad.

It doesn't.

And then Hack's family is held hostage by Abdul's terrorist buddies not in the abandoned warehouse, which still doesn't make Stone all that mad. Hack never really gets mad. He just sort of says that you have to fight dirtier than the dirty bad guys in order to win. Or something.

Gee, this movie is fucking stupid. And incredibly boring. I'm actually getting bored right now writing about it.

There's only way to enjoy or even kind of like this movie. Try to look at it like a comedy. Watch Stallone try to act as though this is a real movie that people are going to get into because it's so damn great. Watch Cameron Mitchell chew the scenery as he screams profanities at his grunt cops and makes fun of the only TV news reporter in the world covering the story that the President's daughter has been kidnapped vy terrorists. Watch William Smith make three phone calls in a row with a land line phone that isn't plugged in. Watch Brian Leonard's Tony Motta answer the phone at the TV station from the desk he reads the news from. And watch the LAPD dispatch cars and cops to the abandoned warehouse from a young girl's bedroom. Oh, and the Oval Office in this movie isn't oval. It's actually in some guy's garage (that's what it looks like).

And, in the greatest hero suiting up scene in movie history since Fred Williamson putting on leather pants in "Black Cobra 2," watch Frank Stallone suit up to enter the abandoned warehouse by putting a bundle of blue rope of his shoulder. And, following in the tradition of plenty of other really, really, really bad B-movies where someone has a machine gun, if said machine gun has a folding stock or something that can be pulled out or locked in place, you will see the user of said machine gun lock in that folding stock at least twice. Because I guess that makes the gun look and seem cooler than it really is.

"Terror in Beverly Hills" is just awful. Terrible. Horrendous. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous praying, a phone call, a plane taking off, a kid walking around plane pretending to shoot people with a water gun, gratuitous close up the plane's bathroom and the "occupid" sign, passport checking, luggage checking, getting into a limo, gratuitous terrorist meeting, a big ass VCR, looking in the phone book, gratuitous karate sparring, gratuitous Frank Stallone, gratuitous strip club with pool playing, boobies, gratuitous black guy buying stolen watches, gratuitous bad guy cargo van, gratuitous "Beverly Hills" sign, gratuitous old rich woman with a little dog she ties to a parking meter, gratuitous automatic car window, putting a bomb in a Ferrari, shooting people in slow motion, a lame as hell car chase, gratuitous Pepsi product placement, a white limo, two topless chicks in the back of a truck on the freeway, gratuitous abandoned warehouse, bed bondage, gratuitous breaking news, gratuitous William Smith with dubbed voice, a news reader with a phone at his news reading desk, gratuitous William Smith making phone calls with a phone that isn't plugged in, activating Frank Stallone, gratuitous SWAT guy hanging from a helicopter, the weakest rifle hit to the back in movie history, Frank Stallone wearing work boots, a bundle of blue rope, unfolding a rifle stock, bean eating, gratuitous bare feet of President's daughter, attempted rape, more bondage, tea making, gratuitous multiple sleeper holds, shooting a dead guy six times with a shotgun, the weakest hand grenade in movie history, riding on a conveyor belt, a fist fight, jumping out a window, and getting shot in slow motion.

Best lines: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but you must buckle your seatbelt," "Don't touch me infidel," "You shouldn't do that," "Have you ever been in Los Angeles before, Abdul?," "Tha target always leaves with three bodyguards," "I hope he's dead, too, Hack," "Hey, Ghandi, I heard your wife won the California lottery!," "Let's go shopping, honey," "On your feet, punk, we're taking a little ride," "I should have listened to my astrologist and stayed in bed today," "Sonofabitch, I'm going to get those bastards," "Abdul, why are you calling here? This is supposed to be only for emergencies," "Abdul, do you still think we're doing the right thing?," "Hello, TV station? Yes, it is," "Get a fuckin' super trace!," "Yes, I'm watching the goddamn news. What are you watching, a porno movie?," How the hell did this happen, gentlemen?," "Red alert! Red alert! Go paramedics! Go SWAT team!," "All right, close the fucking doors, I don't want to get shot in the back," "We've got a terrorist call on line five," "Hack don't kill that easy," "Azzir, azzir, look, the television people are taking a picture of us," "Let's get a few shots of the cops. I think there's going to be a shoot out," "Motta, why don't you open an Italian restaurant?," "They've called in the fucking Marines!," "Captain, what is Hack Stone's first move?," "I hate tyrants. Will someone please show this fucking Marine where the terrorists are?," "Abdul, why don't you chill out?," "You remember one thing and you remember it well. I'm a private citizen," "Why is that dog barking?," "The guy made my day," "They don't make 'em like they used to," "Come on, man, don't be an asshole. Still hiding behind a woman, huh?," "Come on, man, no cause is worth dying for," "I'll show you how to die for a cause," and "Come on, guys, all we want is an interview."

Rating: 1.0/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be it for this week. Always remember, B-movies rule.

"Doomed"

Ward Roberts- Boyle
Drew Russell- Conrad
Edwin Villa- Benny
Andre McCoy- Trey
Sarah Christopher- Leigh
Steve Cryen- Reese
Heidi Marie Wanser- Dawn
Kara Schaaf- Kyra
M.C Brown- Sybil
Michael Kehoe- Hologram Host
Directed by Michael Su
Screenplay by Patrick McManus, Patrick Sean McManus, and Sean O'Bannon
Released by Automatic Media
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 76 minutes
Not on DVD as far as I know. I saw it Showtime Beyond


"Terror in Beverly Hills"

Frank Stallone- Hack Stone
Behrouz Vossoughi- Abdul
Shahurad Vossughi- Mohammed
Ron Waldron- Bill Derrick
Cameron Mitchell- Capt. Stills
William Smith- President
Brian Leonard- Tony Motta
Lysa Hayland- Margaret
Sean Brown- Black Dude
Directed by John Myhers
Screenplay by John Myhers, based on a story by Simon Bibiyan
Released by Peacock Films
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 88 minutes
Buy it here