I'm Not Gonna Lie 03.23.08: Redux

Posted by Nick Wallander on 03.23.2008

What do Robert Downey Jr, Lindsay Lohan, and Robocop all have in common? They're in this week's column.

Sometimes life just feels bland. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. You get stuck in a rut of redundancy where you wake up, go to work (or class), come home, eat, shit, and pass out in front of the television only to wake up in the middle of a Girls Gone Wild commercial. Everything gets awfully predictable on all sorts of levels. You know exactly what time the bus is going to roll by in the morning and can guess the exact minute each day that when work seems to last forever. There are few surprises, but the ones we do have come in different forms. For instance there might be a new episode of your favorite television series, a new comic book on the news stand, or hell, a new column up on your favorite pop culture web site. Well folks, that is where I have failed you.

I am fairly convinced that this column is not the same as it was when I started in nearly one year ago. Honestly, it is pretty much as stale as John Cena's character on WWE Raw. The only difference is that I don't get to overcome the odds and walk out as the champion at the big show. To sum up the problem, I think I might have lost my edge when it comes to delivering offbeat entertainment news and commentary. The cause of this could be many reasons, one of which has to deal with the redundancy of life. Things have changed for me, causing more of life's stress and headaches, but in the end that is a piss poor excuse for my creativity seemingly flushing down the shitter. You'd swear that each week had become less original than a "Land Before Time" sequel. That is sad. That is pathetic. That needs to change.

It is quite certain that I need to recommit myself to the cause. There are celebrities to be mocked, movie projects to ridicule, and Dwight Schrute quotes to be admired just as they had been done before. There can be no pulled punches, no second guessing, and no regard for potential disagreements. We are rebooting, people. The new age of this column starts now. Let's Rock. Let's Roll.

For those of you who are new to the column, let me introduce myself. My name is Nick Wallander. I hail from the bustling metropolis of Green Bay, Wisconsin and have an absolutely thrilling day job at one of the country's big insurance companies. To cure the stagnant blues of living in the Midwest I spend my nights watching whatever seems interesting and surfing the internet for interesting entertainment stories. Then I come back here and share my thoughts, opinions, and my inner most feelings about all of that intriguing junk. It is a fairly simple formula that I think you can pick up on quite quickly. Then again you might be clinically retarded and are only reading this column because you googled the words "Natalie Portman naked" only to be fooled by this sentence designed to draw in readers from the search engines.

So, without further adieu, let's get right to the dirty here, okay?


I am pretty much required to talk about this…

It has seemingly been months since we got a good heaping helping of classic Lohanigans from our favorite Hollywood train wreck. Since all good things come to an end, it is no surprise that this week the entertainment world was abuzz about the supposed preview of a Lindsay Lohan sex tape being leaked to the internet. The early word was that the tape was leaked by Lohan's former boy toy Callum Best, aka the classiest man on the planet. The other note of interest is that Lohan was a little upset because she never remembered being filmed in the act.

Okay, so those were all the initial details, but nothing was going to be confirmed until the thing was released. Then, I stumbled upon (seriously) a screen capture of the Hollywood equivalent of the Zapruder film. It took me all of a millisecond to laugh at the prospect that the photo was legitimate. I would post the thing right here, but we do have standards at 411, even if it is the blurriest picture on the planet. Something tells me that Lohan would expect production values of her sex tape to be high enough to film with a camera and not a cell phone. That photograph could be anybody playing lollipop with man junk. The odds of that being Lindsay Lohan are about the same as this video being of a legitimate ghost:



This story has a real interesting bit of irony to it. Lohan is not really someone that the American public looks upon with high regard, yet when there are some nude photos or a possible sex tape, she seems as popular to her critics as Hannah Montana is to middle aged sex offenders. Why the hell is that? It really is a strange social trend. This doesn't just happen with Lohan either. We do it all the time and it really makes us all look like a bunch of hypocrites. One minute we don't want to hear about someone, but ten minutes later we hear about a sex tape and we're googling for it within seconds. I honestly believe what it comes down to is that we are all just a bunch of perverts that also like to relish in the misfortune of those who are usually more fortunate than us. If there are some sociology majors out there, this might be a fun little study for your thesis.

What are your thoughts and feelings on America's fascination with celebrity sex tapes? Are we perverts? Do we like to see others suffer? Are you Lindsay Lohan, who stumbled upon this article and are now compelled to email me your phone number? These are all thoughts we should ponder until the next time we see another one of these raunchy stories.

This is going to cause some controversy…



That, my friends, is the trailer to the summer movie, "Tropic Thunder", which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. You might have heard a little bit about it. The plot revolves around the filming of a Vietnam movie that goes wrong. Also, it is a movie that is going to create a Pandora's box worth of buzz before it opens this August. If you are wondering why this movie is going to be buzz worthy, you clearly haven't watched the trailer.

For those of you who can't watch the trailer, let me briefly describe what the big buzz of this movie will revolve around. There is a black man in the movie that who happens to be, well, Robert Downey Jr. It probably doesn't need to be stated that he is, in fact, one of the whitest men on the planet. Yet, in this movie he is going to be brown as can be, which might offend some people.

This immediately got me thinking about a controversial moment I saw firsthand my sophomore year in college at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater. That incident involved a very Caucasian frat boy painting his face brown in order to portray Charles Barkley in a Homecoming variety show. Sitting in the front row, I was right amidst the controversy as the African American students in the crowd voiced their immediate objection to the act on stage.

Supposedly there was no intent by the fraternity in question to offend, but that did not mean people weren't offended by the act. That is exactly why "Tropic Thunder", with no meaning to offend, is going to cause a wave of controversy in the coming months. This is a real ballsy decision by Downey Jr, who is currently enjoying a career renaissance of sorts. This could either take him to the next level or set him back a few years. I am curious to see the reaction of the NAACP in regards to this movie, which has been seemingly quiet as of this point in time.

We'll keep an eye on this one.

At least I am not as stale as Hollywood…

Do you know what would be the greatest and most amazing idea for a movie? Well of course you do, but your idea is most likely original, compelling, and fun. However, that is not the kind of movie Hollywood seems to be looking for nowadays. Instead we are getting a plethora of remakes and reboots of movies that weren't necessarily that great in the first place. You probably head about a few of these projects that will have a future as Saturday afternoon features on your local television stations. Three of said projects are remakes of "Robocop", "Rosemary's Baby", and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes". Now, to truly understand my current disdain for movie producers, we have to take a closer gander at these projects.

First, there is "Robocop". I remember being a kid and seeing previews for the original and wanting to see it more than the latest Disney flick. Then, when it came out on VHS (someone explain this to the kids), I got an opportunity to see the movie and be impressed as all hell. Now consider the fact that when I first saw "Robocop", I was seven years old. Years later I would catch this movie on television, oddly enough on a Saturday afternoon, and couldn't help but wonder why I was so amused back in the day.

The movie, and its concept, are quite cheesy at best. And yet, it made enough money to spawn two sequels, a television show, and a mini-series. How the fuck did that happen? Yes, I understand that it clearly correlates with the money the movies made, but still it baffles the hell out of me as to how we all were stupid enough to pay for that shit. Are we that simple minded? Clearly we are to some degree since there seems to be no end of remakes and sequels.

Go ahead, folks. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that these projects deserve a rightful place in cinema. Tell me that you are all aching for "Aliens vs. Predators 3". What's that? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Okay, so I got a little off topic. "Robocop" was the issue at hand here. And for that I have one more point to make. Take a look at the following video and tell me that a "Robocop" reboot is a good idea:



The second remake that made waves in the news this week was that of "Rosemary's Baby". The original is a movie that I can't berate as much as "Robocop", but that doesn't give this project a free pass in my book. "Rosemary's Baby" is considered to be a horror classic and was even Oscar nominated, so that immediately makes one wonder why it needed to be remade in the first place. On top of that thought, we learn that the man behind this project may in fact be Michael Bay. Yeah, that might as well be a stamp of death for it before it even starts. It is probably pointless to waste any more time supporting my opinion. I think my point has been made on this one.

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"? Seriously? Excuse me for getting all "Grey's Anatomy" here, but I do need to say this one more time. Seriously? I can buy into a cheesy ass movie about snakes on a plane, but there is no way that a movie about mutated fruit killing people can be remotely entertaining to anyone over the age of ten. Good luck with that one. Oh, and by the way, the cartoon sucked ass too.

Bloody Fucking Brilliant

Switching gears now, I think we should take a look at two of the actual good ideas that I came across this week. The first of these ideas revolves around the DVD release of "The Mist", more specifically, the collector's edition version of the DVD. If you take a look at the special edition's specifications and features, you will probably notice that there are two versions of the film on the set. One version of "The Mist" is as it was in theaters, whereas the other version of the movie is presented in black and white.

Pretty cool idea, huh? According to an interview on MoviesOnline.com, this was all director Frank Darabont's idea. He initially wanted to shoot the film in black and white, but that is a little too risky of a move for the studios in this day and age. To put it bluntly, they are a bunch of pussies who assume that mainstream America is simple minded and turned off by anything that isn't blinking lights and color. The sad part is that they are to some degree correct. In this day and age, it would appear that we have horrid attention spans and do not appreciate anything artistically outside the "norm". This is exactly why the special features on DVDs were created.

If you haven't noticed yet, you can see that I support this idea for a DVD release of a movie. Hell, I would even shell out a bit more money to see various movies in black and white. There is a cool vintage feel to a movie filmed in black and white, especially when it is of the horror genre. One can't help but think back to classics like "The Wolfman" or "Night of the Living Dead". Truthfully, I think the lack of color allows viewers to focus on the characters and story more than they normally would. In the case of "The Mist", the story and characters were quite strong for a horror movie, so I can't imagine how they would be enhanced by a mere subconscious shift of focus. I don't know about you guys, but this is one collector's edition DVD that is actually worth the money.

The other amazing movie idea that I stumbled upon this week is in regards to the future box-office juggernaut, "The Dark Knight". Yeah, you might have heard of it. It's the film where the dead guy plays the main villain. Early plot rumors surrounding "The Dark Knight" seem to indicate that The Joker is not the only one of Batman's rivals to make an appearance in the movie. Aaron Eckhart will be playing district attorney Harvey Dent, who, as any fan of Batman knows, will eventually evolved into the classic villain known as "Two-Face". Well, the cool news about this character revolves around the interesting way that director Christopher Nolan has filmed his scenes.

According to the people at Dark Horizons, Nolan filmed all of Two-Face's scenes twice. In one version, Eckhart is filmed without the additional make-up and would appear normal, so to speak. In the second version of the scenes filmed, Eckhart is wearing all the appropriate "Two-Face" makeup. The real kicker to all this is that Eckhart plays the scenes depending on which half of the character's personality is being filmed. This then begs the question as to how these scenes will be depicted in the movie. Are they going to be slice the scenes together with some computer assistance to depict the physical deformations of "Two-Face" with a seem-less flow from one personality to the next? Or perhaps Nolan is taking the character in a more realistic direction like he did with The Scarecrow in "Batman Begins".

Could Two-Face's deformities be nothing but his own psychotic delusions? It would make a lot of sense that Harvey Dent slips in and out of reality, which causes his personality to change depending on how his brain is perceiving his appearance. When he feels "like a monster" he acts like a monster. Yes, I understand that this is just geek fan-boy speculation, but that doesn't defeat the fact that this is an interesting method to filming those scenes.

Don't tell anyone, but this week I watched….

…"Meatballs II". Remember when I mentioned those movies that air on Saturday afternoons? Well, this is a prime example of that kind of movie. This particular movie was your usual 80s camp flick with horny camp counselors, horny teenagers, a subplot about the camp being bought out, and some junk with a bunch of geeky little kids. "Meatballs II" is precisely the kind of movie that the recent "Wet Hot American Summer" spoofed the hell out of a few years back. To say that this movie was cheesy is an understatement. Now, I don't say this as a form of bashing this movie to hell, but more in line to reference the difference in movies within 24 years. Just take a look at what kind of things were seen as funny way back then.



Does that blow your mind like it does mine? The 80s were an interesting time for comedic films. They have their own distinct style that you could pick out of a line-up 100 years from now. I love the fact that these movies were so damn different. It is as if they were part of their own defined cinematic genre.

Before I leave you with your own thoughts, I should refer you to check out this movie's trivia page at the Internet Movie Data Base. I did because of my horrible habit of doing so whenever I see a movie. The dirt on "Meatballs II" is some good stuff. This movie was almost a full fledged rated R sex comedy. In fact, some of the cast members threatened to sue the producers so that they wouldn't distribute the movie in this manner. If you've seen this movie and want an idea of how the movie could have been raunchier, well, IMDB has a full list of all the deleted scenes. That, my friends, is why you have to love the internet and its ability to find you the most useless information ever.

This week's LOST logic…

First off, let me warn all of you who haven't seen this week's episodes that I very well could spoil the entire thing for you. Okay? Good, I am glad we could get that out of the way.

So, Michael is back and he seems as irrational as ever. He makes it clear that he is trying to avoid the resident interrogator, Sayid, rather than explain everything to him. Well, that is probably one of the dumbest thing anyone on that show could do. Sayid doesn't take no for an answer, folks, so what does Michael think is going to happen? Like expected, Michael gets cornered by Sayid and spills the beans about how in the hell in got on the freighter.
This is where the episode got real illogical. However, I am not referring to the plot development, but more about the fact that we were actually given a shit ton of information to hold us over for the next five weeks. The biggest shock of the episode was the reveal that the island wasn't going to let Michael die until he resolved some business back on the island. In fact, those were pretty much flashback Tom's exact words, so this is not some wacky interpretation. Not only were we told this interesting bit, but we also got to see it demonstrated twice in this episode. Once when Michael tried to kill himself in a car wreck, and the second time when his pawn shop gun wouldn't quite work. The coolest part about this is that it is pretty much not the first time we have seen this phenomena in work.

Back at the end of season three in "Through the Looking Glass", Jack was all ready to die, when fate seemingly intervened when a car crashed on the bridge he was about to leap from. Well, as it turns out, it was apparently the island at work. Hmmm. That sure is intriguing isn't it? This very well could have been the single biggest revelation in the entire run of the series. We always assumed that the island had all kinds of supernatural powers, but we never in our wildest dreams would have thought the scope of these powers extended across the globe. This, my friends, is a possible explanation for a lot of the things we have seen.

We may finally have a logical, albeit supernatural, explanation for many of the strange occurrences and coincidences off the island. The first that comes to mind would have to be the ghostly apparition of Charlie that approached Hurley in the season premiere. It would appear that Hurley may have some business to attend to back on the island and that we should expect more things to fall into place for him to attend to it. One can only assume the same will happen to the other members of the Oceanic Six. Also drawn from this revelation can be the assumption that island's ability to control fate is what let all of the Losties to the island in the first place. That could clearly explain all of the flashback crossovers and connections over the past four seasons. Maybe it is a stretch of a theory, but there have been a lot worse ones out there.

QUICK HITS

- You probably should check out Hulu.com. It is a completely free site with streaming video of your favorite television shows as well as a small collection of movies. The coolest part is that it is completely legal and has the support of many of the networks. There are all kinds of shows on the site like current favorites Prison Break, Psych, and My Name is Earl, or even long gone shows like Firefly, Roswell, and Arrested Development. Word on the street is that the people at Zulu are trying to work out a deal with difficult networks like ABC. One has to wonder how a business venture like this will affect iTunes.

- Gary Busey recently apologized for his red carpet accosting of Jennifer Garner last month. I am going to go ahead and assume that Busey isn't really sorry for what he did. The smart money would say that he just apologized for the bonus media attention he was going to get for doing so.

- Miley Cyrus had her name legally changed from Destiny Hope Cyrus to the more profitable Miley Ray Cyrus. Was that really necessary? It isn't like the girl is going to make any more money because of a name change. It seems like a little overkill.

- Johnny Depp and Christian Bale recently did a film shoot in the little town of Columbus, Wisconsin. I found out about this after the fact and was unable to properly stalk them like the rest of the people in that part of the state. Damn!

- Does anybody out there have a good idea for a new banner I can throw up on top of the column?

That is all I have for you folks this week. Have a great week, I look forward to your emails.