Misunderstood Masterpieces 3.25.08: Cutthroat Island

Posted by Will Helm on 03.25.2008

…or, The Film That Buried a Studio at Sea

Once upon a time, the early ‘80s to be exact, there was a little studio in Hollywood called Carolco. Carolco first came to prominence with its investment in First Blood and the ensuing Rambo franchise. The riches garnered from this series – as well as other hits such as . . . umm, OK, there really aren't any – allowed Carolco to welcome the ‘90s with their fate hitched to the star power of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who they first collaborated with in Red Heat. The Carolco-Schwarzenegger partnership first hit it big in the 1990 sci-fi blockbuster Total Recall. This success allowed Carolco to reunite Schwarzenegger with James Cameron, director of The Terminator, for the highest-grossing film of 1991: Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

This would stand as Carolco's high point, as, other than another collaboration with Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger and the surprise cult hit Stargate, success would be fleeting for the company in the following years. The first grievous wound to Carolco's reputation (and cash flow) came in the form of one of the worst and most lambasted films of the past twenty years: Showgirls. Though Showgirls would later grow to be a campy classic of contemporary cinema, at the time, the failure of the film left Carolco in critical condition, but it was another film, a pirate film, which would land the killing blow and put Carolco out of its misery – with quite unintended results for a recent blockbuster franchise: 1995's Cutthroat Island. Evidently Carolco didn't get the message that pirate films, at that time, were box-office poison . . . or they knew that and it was cinematic euthanasia. Either way, the failure of the big-budgeted Cutthroat Island finally killed a floundering Carolco, but is the offending murderer also a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

In Jamaica, lovely Jamaica, oft-despised director Renny Harlin – who has already found his way into this column at least once -- treats the viewer to his then paramour Geena Davis getting double-crossed by a one-night stand. Perhaps this is a cautionary tale of what would happen to her if she ever cheated on him; ah, the days before the rise of Joey Greco. Anyway, while the would-be suitor has his flintlock pistol trained on Davis, as notorious 17th-century pirate Morgan Adams, and plans on arresting her, she responds by telling him that she took his balls in the night. Whoa . . . BITCHES BE CRAZY! Or not, as she's merely referring to the balls from his flintlock pistol. Oh, the emasculating hilarity!

Morgan, setting a theme for the picture, escapes from her suitor's clutches as two guys show up to pick her up on horseback. Apparently, her dad wants a chat; perhaps he's not happy with her taste in men, mainly because they have a way of double-crossing her after sex. Anyway, Morgan and her cohorts ride down the beach to the shoreline . . . and ride . . . and ride. Thankfully, Morgan tires of riding, so she tackles and beats up some guy on the beach. Umm . . . OK. Anyway, Morgan steals the guy's rowboat and she, logically, rows to a nearby ship, where professional villain Frank Langella has Morgan's father on a plank. Apparently, Langella wants some map from Morgan's father, but, rather than concede, Morgan's father jumps to the water below, where Morgan is waiting to rescue him. The escape turns sour, however, when Morgan's father is shot for his troubles. Good job, Morgan. After Morgan drags her father to safety on the beach, he, sensing the Grim Reaper nearing, bequeaths his ship to his daughter and then he tells her to shave his head. OK . . . something tells me dementia has set in.

Meanwhile, at a society ball somewhere in England, some goofy lieutenant (Angus Wright) eats hors d'ouevres until his boss, the governor of somewhere undefined (Patrick Malahide) tells him to dance with some rich ugly chick. Rather than agree to spend time with the homely heiress, the goofy lieutenant argues with his boss, allowing a bewigged Matthew Modine to swoop in and steal her away. Matthew Modine, in the guise of Dr. Will Shaw, dances with the wealthy wench and, all the while, flirts with her while recounting his education in anatomy. After the one dance, Will takes his leave of the scene, revealing, in the foyer, that he's stolen quite a bit from the partygoers during his stay. Unfortunately for him, the goofy lieutenant and his boss also discover this fact, so Will, after a spell of resisting arrest, gets captured and sentenced to slavery.

On her inherited ship, Morgan mourns with liquor; no word on whether or not it's a delicious spiced rum concoction. She is Captain Morgan, after all. In her drunken stupor, Morgan argues with a monkey until some supportive crew members rouse her from her depression. Above deck, Morgan finds that some of her crew is planning a mutiny, so she overrules them with promises of treasure . . . from a map she found tattooed on her father's scalp, which she helpfully has with her! Seriously, movie; that's just gross. Morgan, emboldened by the map, promises riches and REVENGE, so the crew, begrudgingly, agrees to her plan.

In order to enact that plan, Morgan returns to Jamaica because she needs someone who reads Latin to translate the map. Oops. Meanwhile, in prison, Will messes with some guy who intends to buy him the next day, probably for his own prurient interests. After the random guy leaves, Morgan and her first mate (Stan Shaw) stop by to visit Will because they've heard that he can, conveniently for the plot, speak and read Latin. Will, as per his particular idiom, hits on her, but he does prove his worth and she promises to buy him the next day.

Unsurprisingly, the scene shifts to the next day, where Will is up for sale at auction. Unfortunately for Morgan, she gets into a bidding war with the random guy from earlier, so, after a few rounds of bidding, she stabs her rival in the buttocks and wins Will for forty pounds. Before Morgan can retire to her ship with Will alongside, the local gendarme discover Morgan's presence – as she is a notorious pirate and all – and they close in on their quarry. Of course, they – like me – didn't expect Morgan to defend herself . . . with a shovel! Really. A shovel. Anyway, after thwarting a few cops with her gardening implement, Morgan, with Will in tow, escapes the scene by using a pulley-lift to take to the roofs. Once there, Morgan and Will, in a manner most preposterous, fall through a series of scaffolding and run from the scene, PERFECTLY UNHARMED!

Once again on the ground, Morgan and Will hijack a carriage – which just so happens to belong to the governor – and, during their ride, Morgan fights off a few cops on the roof of the moving vehicle. Somehow, through a convoluted series of events, Morgan ends up climbing into a building and running through a few shops, amazingly jumping back down onto the carriage on the other side. Meanwhile, the cops and the governor, in hot pursuit, ride straight through a religious procession, scattering holy relics – as well as the corpse of a long-dead bishop – all over the street. Morgan and Will finally reach the port, where a ship docked in the harbor starts firing its cannons at them, destroying quite a few storefronts and facades. I wonder if cannon fire is covered by insurance. Probably not. Anyway, Morgan and Will use the destruction to escape the town; in the aftermath, the governor tells the goofy lieutenant to catch her as a requirement for promotion.

Once in safety, Morgan chats with Will and she shows him her father's scalp. Come on, now; just because he knows anatomy doesn't mean he's a dermatologist. Anyway, Morgan and Will, with the help of the reflection of the text in a knife, start translating the map. Back in town, the governor has his men track down Morgan's chronicler (Maury Chaykin), who's busy negotiating publishing rights to his pirate epic. When the governor has the chronicler in custody, he proposes a deal with the chronicler: either he can help the governor find Morgan and bring her to justice at the end of a rope, or she and the governor can split her treasure. Dum-dum-DUM!

Later, at another port, Morgan and Will find themselves in the midst of a hive of scum and villainy and searching for her uncle Mordechai (George Murcell). Morgan's resident spy (Christopher Masterson) discovers that her uncle is holed up somewhere in town and well-guarded as well. Morgan, being stubborn, doesn't take the hint, so she dresses like a hooker in order to meet with her relative. Before the meeting, however, Mordechai's men feel up Morgan a bit, using the excuse of looking for weapons. Morgan fends them off with her wits and they let her into her uncle's chambers. Once inside, after Mordechai discovers that the hooker isn't a hooker at all but his niece – which is really, really creepy, Morgan holds him at gunpoint. She offers to join forces with him to take on Langella, but Mordechai admits that he's afraid of the dread pirate. Morgan, who seems to be an expert in emasculation, tells her uncle to stop being such a coward, so he agrees to her offer.

Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, as the movie is moving way too fast and needs some complications to slow it down, just after Morgan and her uncle agree to work together, Langella shows up to capture them and, in the process, he reveals that he's her OTHER uncle, Douglas "Dawg" Brown! Evidently he changed his name because he didn't want to be confused with the writer of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Continuing the theme of incestuous overtones, Dawg hits on his niece and then he threatens her with an eel. OK, if that isn't phallic, I don't know what is. Before Dawg can sick his eel on Morgan, Will, in the periphery, blows something up, giving Morgan the needed distraction to aid their escape. In the tumult, sadly, Mordechai gets killed before he can give Morgan his part of her father's map and, in addition, Morgan gets shot for her troubles as well. Remarkably, before Morgan and Will can be captured once more, her crew arrives to rescue her and they blow up the building while Morgan and Will flee to freedom.

Back on his ship, Dawg goes nuts and tells his crew to stop Morgan at all costs. Meanwhile, Morgan drinks and plots a course to the location of the treasure: Cutthroat Island! After charting the ship's route, Morgan proposes the plan to her crew and then she passes out from her gunshot wound. While her crew desires to perform battlefield medicine on her, Will intervenes and suggests surgery, to which Morgan accedes. After Will shoos away the crew, he removes Morgan's ball – I wonder if this scene is symbolic of something – and then, while she recovers, they flirt a bit over whether Mordechai's map is or is not in Will's possession.

While Morgan's ship heads toward some islets and reefs, Dawg catches up behind and plans an ambush by night. Meanwhile, Will, with Mordechai's map in hand, sneaks below deck and discerns, from the longitude and latitude on the maps, the location of Cutthroat Island. Dum-dum-DUM! Before Will can somehow sneak off on his own and claim the loot, Morgan catches him in the act and makes him confess, at gunpoint, to his history of being a liar; with confession in hand, Morgan sends Will to the brig, probably ne'er to be seen again. For now.

Later that evening, a storm blows in, thrashing the ship against the waves; during the deluge, the chronicler, remarkably, stays calm enough to send a message to the governor via carrier pigeon. Meanwhile, Morgan, with the coordinates to Cutthroat Island finally revealed, orders her crew to sail through the storm; everyone, except for her trusty first mate, thinks she's crazy. So much so, in fact, that they finally mutiny against her and they end up sending her and her loyalists away in a little boat. In the meantime, Will escapes the brig and he jumps overboard into the briny deep; I guess drowning is always preferred to being locked up in a ship's hold. Moments later, Morgan's boat, at the mercy of the swells, unsurprisingly capsizes and falls apart. Oh well; movie's over.

Or not, as Morgan and her surviving compatriots awaken the next day . . . and they're just swimming distance from Cutthroat Island! Preposterous? You betcha! Even more interestingly, overnight, Dawg joined forces with Morgan's mutineers and their alliance is also at the island, searching around for the treasure. Although, in case Morgan's mutineers thought they were on an equal playing field, Dawg threatens to live up to his namesake and eat them if they attempt any treachery. Well, he's already hit on his own niece, so I guess cannibalism isn't that much of a stretch.

That evening, a remarkably alive Will tiptoes into Dawg's cabin and steals his third of the IMPORTANT PLOT DEVICE/treasure map. Dawg promises REVENGE upon waking up, but it's really far too late to matter at all. REVENGE may be a dish best served cold, but it still has to be prepared with fresh ingredients. Tom Colicchio would be proud. The next day, Morgan, with her men in tow, finds Will . . . up to his neck in quicksand – metaphorically, as he's actually up to his chest when she finds him. Will, in a position to do a little bargaining for his life, reveals that he has Dawg's map, which will complete the Triforce and bring peace to Hyrule once and for all. Oh, wait; I think I'm getting this mixed up. Anyway, Morgan, probably because she has the hots for Will, agrees to rescue him in exchange for the map, when she should've just taken the map and let Will drown. She isn't much of a bloodthirsty, untrustworthy pirate, I guess.

After Will dries off a bit, Morgan gets back to doing what she does best: plotting a course. If you like hot course plotting action, you'll love Cutthroat Island! After the course plotting, Morgan and her men, with Will along for the ride, follow the map until they find themselves at the edge of a perilous cliff. Surprisingly, a few neurons fire in the pirates' collective brain and Will and Morgan end up rappelling down the side of the cliff, wherein they find a mysterious cave. Ooh, spooky. Morgan and Will swing – clumsily – into the cave and then they wander around a bit until they finally find the treasure. Hmm . . . there's still thirty minutes to go; I sense complications! Of course, the complications occur as Morgan leaves the cave to get help while Will drags the treasure out of the cave for pick up. Morgan, while searching through the jungle for her allies . . . gets captured once again.

I guess I have to make an addendum to the little tagline above: If you like hot course plotting action and women consistently getting captured, you'll love Cutthroat Island!

Dawg, with a captured Morgan by his side, travels to the cliff side to bargain with Will for the treasure. Will agrees to give up the loot in exchange for Morgan; hmm . . . for a price like that, she should work for Emperor's Club V.I.P. Anyway, Dawg agrees to the deal, so he pushes Morgan off the cliff; Will, heroically, rescues her from falling to the rocks below . . . and they escape Dawg's clutches by falling to the rocks below. Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway, the movie isn't yet over, as Will, remarkably survives the fall and is awakened from unconsciousness by the chronicler, who promises to take him to Morgan. Will, probably being controlled by his base urges, goes along with the chronicler . . . only to be turned over to the governor and Dawg, who are now a super-villain team-up! Dum-dum-DUM!

By the way, I think I've lost count of the amount of captures in this film. I figure that's worth noting.

Anyway, while Morgan is missing and Will is captive – yet again, Dawg locks up Morgan's loyal sailors and puts them at the mercy of the mutineers. Little do they realize that a very remarkably alive Morgan is clinging to the anchor as they haul it up, using it to infiltrate her own ship. Once inside, Morgan kills a few guards and easily frees her men from the hold. The combined forces of Morgan and her loyal crew overtake the mutineers and she forces them overboard. In the captain's quarters, Morgan happily reunites with her monkey, which probably means something profound. Or it's just another scene that could've been excised to make the film much more efficient . . . but I didn't say that.

Morgan, with REVENGE on her mind – as well as the treasure she found, plans to catch her uncle by sea; alas, it isn't the best of plans, as Dawg spies her ship following behind and figures out that something's wrong with the situation. He may be incestuous and a cannibal, but at least he's not dumb. In order to sabotage Morgan's maneuver, Dawg orders his men to have Will hanged immediately. Before they can complete the sentence – much to the governor's amusement, Morgan's cuddly quartermaster (Rex Linn, who looks like a burly version of MythBusters' Jamie Hyneman with facial tattoos) shoots the executioner, and IT'S ON!

While Dawg and Morgan shout at their respective crews, the ships slowly slip next to each other, allowing the cannons to fire into the opposing hulls. Once the cannons have been exhausted, the crews fire on each other as well, and then Dawg's men board Morgan's ship. Morgan, meanwhile, responds by boarding Dawg's ship, probably just so she can go "nyah nyah nyah . . . I'm on your ship!" She's mature like that. Anyway, while Will goes below on Dawg's ship for no particular reason, Morgan blows up Dawg's powder – who knew he was a metrosexual pirate? – while, on Morgan's ship, the goofy lieutenant does a swerve against his boss and turns pirate! By Gawd! By Gawd! Over on Dawg's ship, Morgan and Dawg FINALLY duel – even though they've had ample opportunity to do that throughout the entire film – and, after they fight all over the deck and the masts, Morgan ends up falling into the ship itself! Not to worry, though; she's relatively PERFECTLY UNHARMED and cagey enough to end the duel by shooting her uncle with a cannon. Wow . . . that was anticlimactic.

With her uncle finally totally thwarted – and it was a pretty good thwart, if I do say so myself, Morgan rescues Will down in the hold of the sinking ship, as he had, through a convoluted series of events, gotten himself pinned between a support beam and the treasure. Oh Will, you clod. Just because the film hasn't had enough explosions to this point, Will and Morgan climb to the highest point on the deck, just so that they can jump off in slow motion while the ship explodes behind them. Unsurprisingly, they both survive . . . as does the treasure, which Morgan has her crew haul up to her ship for proper divvying. Apparently, though Morgan promises more riches and adventures, her pirates just decide to retire so they can sit on their booties. Literally and figuratively.

Even though Cutthroat Island has such a bad reputation, the quality that surprised me while watching it was just how insufferably boring the film is. Though it's billed as an action film, Cutthroat Island just meanders from set piece to set piece and, in addition, falls quite quickly into a "lather-rinse-repeat" rut with all the captures and rescues throughout the film. Apparently, judging by the box-office results and the ensuing bankruptcy of Carolco, the greater audience thought the same thing . . . which nearly doomed, of all things, Spider-Man. Why? Well, back in the day, Carolco held the film rights to Marvel Comics' Spider-Man franchise with James Cameron tapped to helm the picture. Unfortunately, Carolco's demise put Spider-Man into development hell and Marvel Comics' ensuing proxy fight later in the ‘90s delayed Spider-Man further, until Sony finally got the rights and released the film that started the current blockbuster franchise. If not for anything, just the fact that Cutthroat Island nearly prevented the world from enjoying Spider-Man is enough to qualify it as a Misunderstood Masterpiece; it does help that the film is awful, though.

Join me next week as I take a journey to the trippy side of the music world with the first in a trilogy of rock musicals, this one featuring the Pre-Fab Four. See you then!