Babes, Bombs, and Blockbusters Movie News Report 4.8.08

Posted by Mike Gorman on 04.08.2008

Tom Cruise is riled up again, Willis and Rhames reconnect in a new thriller, while in other news it seems the apocalypse is approaching. Come on in and catch a glimpse of the recently married Beyonce and a look at some of Charlton Heston’s memorable roles. The 3B’s News Report brings you all the culture you can stand with the revelation of the “beer haiku” culture, who knew?



There is nothing more exciting than a hyped up celebrity bouncing on your couches and yelling like a wild man. No, Mr. Cruise has not yet gone that far this time but it is so close I can smell it! He is however all over this week's G-Spot in addition to some wild TV news and a Hollywood re-pairing that could lead to big screen success. Before you get too deep in the report let's tip our hats to Jay – Z for finally making an honest woman of Beyonce. In honor of their wedding, she graces this week's Hotshot.



The G Spot

Trippin' with Tom
A medicinal marijuana clinic in Northern California has Tom Cruise jumping on couches again over his image being associated with one of their products. The 'Tom Cruise Purple' brand, which features a picture of the actor laughing on the vials, is currently being sold in licensed marijuana clubs in Northern California. The strain is said to be particularly strong and users can experience hallucinations. Cruise is a member of the Church of scientology which forbids the use of hallucinogenic, and most, drugs. Remember his brouhaha with Brooke Shields after she supported the use of medicine to help with post partum depression? This is sure to be just as big a battle though the image of the minuscule Cruise kicking the statuesque Shields ankles in rage is still a much funnier image than a wild eyed Cruise taking down a clinic helping ease people's pain.

Which Hollywood mogul has been reading my diary?
Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames are set to team up again in a new sci-fi thriller. The actors will join Radha Mitchell and Rosamund Pike in Disney film The Surrogates. This film is based on Robert Venditti's graphic novel. The story is set in a future where humans live risk-free lives through robot surrogates that are eternally young. I need more info! How many of these surrogates can you get and do they do laundry? Because I am telling you, that would be awesome.

This week's first sign of the Apocalypse!
The New Kids on the Block appeared on the Today show last Friday to announce that on May 16th they will be performing their first reunion concert. This will mark the anniversary of the group's album "Hangin' Tough" which spawned many of their hit singles. Really now? The New Kids appeared to announce another appearance? Can there fan base handle that much exertion at this point in their lives. First they schlep their kids out to Rockefeller Plaza hoping for a performance of "The Right Stuff" or "Tonight" and all they get is a quick promo with no singing. And now they are to believe said concert will happen in May? Sounds like lies to me from a washed up group of no bodies! But if you go, could you get me Donnie and Jordan's autographs? They were hard core, now Jordan's brother is a whole ‘nother story!



This week's SECOND sign of the Apocalypse!
The producers of "How I met Your Mother" are in talks with Britney Spears for her to reprise her critically loved and ratings supported role as the receptionist in a dermatologist's office. Sure she was great but everyone at rock bottom will have one good day every so often. I am not so sure I ready to trust her again so quickly. There was something wildly feral in her eyes during her stint on the show and I for one am concerned for the cast, especially Doogie.

Oh yeah, squeeze that one in here with all the others!
Jensen Ackles is in final negotiations to play a lead in Lionsgate's "My Bloody Valentine 3-D." Who is set to do what? Exactly! Ackles, star of the CW's "Supernatural" will join the crowd of fresh faced stars who lend their looks to horrible remakes of horrible movies. It worked so well for Tom Welling when he did "The Fog" so why not let everyone else try? … Please tell me you know the answer to this question because it is the only thing left that might save the horror genre!



The Trunk



As far as politics go, Charlton Heston and I could not have been further apart. Did he scare me when he waving a gun around in those NRA convention clips? Sure, he's right up there with Jaws on my terror-meter. Yet I will admit that the man made some damn good movies that it might be the right time for us to rent and reminisce about. I am by no means a Heston expert. I just know that he brought the screen to life in the roles I have listed below and for that I thank him. Here are five you should not miss!

(5) Moses in The Ten Commandments
This is a film that defines the term "Epic" and features Heston's fiery and humbled performance of the man chosen to lead his people from slavery. Even if you are not into "bible movies" this one is jam packed with more action than anything of its era. Once the frogs start dropping from the sky you know you are watching a classic. My favorite Heston moment would of course be the parting of the Red Sea. Though the effects are backwards by today's standards it is quite the feat to behold.

(4) Robert Neville in The Omega Man
Much like Will Smith's I Am Legend this retelling of the novella "I am Legend" strays far from its literary roots but is still given gravitas by Burton's portray of Robert Neville. It is definitely worth a rental if only for comparison to the current and previous adaptations of the novella.

(3) George Taylor in Planet of the Apes
Heston wore many hats in this performance including those of stoic action hero and emotional bridge for the audience. When he discovers the truth about the planet at the film's climax you cannot help but feel the desperation in his voice. And c'mon, no one could ever say "Goddamn Dirty Apes!" quite like he could.

(2) Detective Robert Thorn in Soylent Green
This is a terrible, terrible movie and that is why it is so great! Pop some corn and crack open a cold one with some friends and wait for the revelation of the yummy Soylent Green true origins. Heston is both bone chilling and hilarious at the same time as he shouts "Soylent Green is people!"

And finally…

(1) Heston's cameos
Specifically I mention his quick appearance in Wayne's World 2 when Wayne calls for a better actor to fill a role and his even quicker appearance as an elder ape in the terrible 2001 remake of Planet of the Apes. While neither role won him an Oscar those cameos and others are fun "easter eggs" to track down on the DVDs.



Come Again?: Your Joke Source!
This week I give you one Top Ten list with a witty ending worth staying on board for! (Or maybe not!)

Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor

10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."

9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."

8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."

7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."

6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"

5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."

4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."

3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"

2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."

1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."



Beerwatch
Who says beer is not cultured? If you are interested in fine poetry and ice cold ale then check out this website for a Daily Beer Haiku, http://www.beerhaikudaily.com/

Here are a few spring examples:
sometimes a wheat beer
and the grin of a Spring sun
is all that it takes

Soulfully searching
for a little Redemption
as Spring sun rises

Surveying the yard
An awakening of bulbs
A bock in my hand

Why not go out and write your own?!



Tuesday Hot Shot
So congratulations to Beyonce and Jay-Z on their recent nuptials. Hope you enjoyed this look back at the singer while she was single!






(All information and gossip gathered from Aintitcoolnews.com, Hollywoodreporter.com, Hollywood.com, Reuters.com, 101jokes.com, Variety.com, TMZ.com)