The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 4.12.08: Issue #9

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 04.12.2008

"Fire Serpent" and "Striking Range"

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #9: "Fire Serpent" and "Striking Range"

Hello, everyone, and welcome to issue #9 of the internets movie review column that has never punched an elephant in the face, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host, Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, I take a look at the William "Bill" Shatner produced 2007 super Canadian sci-fi monster movie (which apparently at some point was a Sci Fi Channel original movie) "Fire Serpent," and then one of the worst action movies ever made, from 2006, "Striking Range."

Fire Serpent



"Fire Serpent" is one of those low budget sci-fi monster movies that has no business being as good as it is. It makes no sense, has an overly complicated plot for no real reason beyond they had only so much money for special effects and they had to fill up ninety minutes with something, bad special effects, and a monster that isn't all that convincing because, well, it's difficult to make CG fire scary. But the flick does have something that other flicks of its ilk don't have: a total lack of shame for being so cheesy and taking itself seriously.

The flick stars the great Randolph Mantooth (I call him great not because I'm a fan of his work. He's great because his name is great. How the heck can you have a name like "Randolph Mantooth" and not be great? Impossible) as Dutch Fallon, a wacked out ex-fire fighter and pseudo government fugitive believed to be a serial arsonist. He's being tracked/investigated by NFA (National Fire Agency, whatever the heck that is) investigator Christina Andrews (Sandrine Holt), herself under orders from FBI agent and secret religious lunatic Cooke (Robert Beltran), a man who has a long history with Dutch going all the way back to 1966. See, back in 1966, a young Dutch (Young Dutch played by Diego Klattenhoff, another great name) was witness to a strange, bizarre, and downright weird fire incident where his girlfriend was, for the lack of a better word, possessed, by fire. But not just any, run of the mill fire started by a bunch of hicks in the forest, no way. This fire came from space via "solar flare" and landed in the Sand Hills National Forest in Minnesota, which is where the flick starts off with young Dutch's chick's possession and subesquent cheap special effects attack on him.

And then there's Jake Relm (Nicholas Brendon), a young fire fighter who, when we meet him as he's hanging out with his buddy Dave and urinating on a little fire, watches Dave die in a huge fireball caused by, you guessed it, the solar flare space fire from 1966 that has come up out of the ground to wreak havoc on the world. As expected, Jake is distraught about his friend's death. He doesn't really understand what happened, where the fire came from, etc. In walks Dutch, who tries to console Jake and let him in on a "secret": fire is a living, breathing, thinking entity that wants to do evil on humankind and that's why Dave died. Jake, as expected, thinks Dutch is a lunatic. So then some stuff happens, Dutch sets a fire and then puts it out with an ice grenade loaded thump gun, is chased by the FBI, implicates Jake in a murder Dutch is accused of committing, and then a giant, decades spanning secret government conspiracy is revealed concerning research into the harnessing of the power of the evil living space fire. Guess who was involved in that research?

That would be Dutch and Cooke, in case you're not paying attention.

I really have no idea why director John Terlesky, screenwriters Garfield Reeves-Stevens and Judith Reeves-Stevens, and "creator" William "Bill" Shatner, thought the movie needed a government conspiracy angle on top of everything else. Why not just have the fire investigator, the old wacko who thinks fire is alive, and the young wacko protoge-in-waiting, up against the evil space fire that no one but the living fire wacko believes is real? That sounds like enough movie to me. I mean, yeah, the whole government conspiracy thing is kind of interesting on its own, but why not save something like that for a sequel? Because, as the flick indicates at the end, this living fire evil solar flare space monster is not the first and will certainly not be the last.

Mantooth is just outstanding here as the grizzled wackjob Dutch. His best scene is definitely getting away from the FBI SWAT team using a grenade to distract them. It's freaking hilarious. And Mantooth really makes you believe that all of this hooha could be true. Maybe some fires are alive and come from space and want to take over the world. Sandrine Holt is interesting as Christina Andrews, mostly because she has to walk around acting like there is such a thing as the National Fire Agency (the NFA sounds like something from a bad Italian sci-fi movie from the 1980's) and that it's a cutting edge government agency out there taking down bad guys. Nicholas Brendon is pretty good as Jake, the youngish hero who ends up getting sucked into all of this confusing hodge podge of hooey, but I'd suspect that the movie wouldn't work if it was just about him and he didn't have Mantooth and Holt backing him up. And Robert Beltran is disturbing as Cooke. He really makes you believe he's that freaking nuts.

And special mention should be made of Lisa Langlois as Heather, ace TV news reporter, and Patrice Goodman as Billie, Heather's ace camera operator. They don't last as long as you'd normally think they would, but for the half hour or so they're in the movie they show off fine chemistry that could have helped the flick had they been allowed to survive, or, really, just live longer.

I'm willing to bet that, if Shatner does ever decide to produce a sequel, he'll end up in a cameo as the President of the United States. And that will be hilarious. Hey, if Beau Bridges gets to be President, why not Captain Kirk?

"Fire Serpent," strangeness aside, is a fun way to spend ninety minutes. You could do a lot worse.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening credits that are hard to read, gratuitous cheap CG image of Earth in space, gratuitous "Created by William Shatner," flames in space, flowers as a gift, putting out a small fire, pick axe to the ground, gratuitous glowing orange eyes, shooting fire out of the eyes, gratuitous jumping through fire in slow motion, urinating on a small fire, news media bashing, a flaming backpack, exploding trailer, using a fire extinguisher, gratuitous hot chick walking in front of fire truck in slow motion, gratuitous National Fire Agency, a burning house, checking government ID, secret files, news footage of fire, hanging out in a bar, riding through the woods in a pick up truck, a guy who kind of looks like Harry Hamlin, a huge business card, teeth checking, broken Italian shoes, potential ankle spraining, body cut in half by fire, fire streak up an electrical pole, squirting lighter fluid on some wood, Randolph Mantooth shooting a thump gun, disarming a grenade, gratuitous "Leviticus 10:1," fire travelling through power lines, throwing a grenade into a truck, jumping out of an exploding truck, sniper rifle, lifting truck up in air via fire, stealing a cop car, flaming soldier, an autopsy with opening up the body to find fire inside, showdown in a warehouse, shooting at a valve, and gratuitous sequel planning.

Best lines: "I found an unburned patch down by the lake," "Hey, hot shot, how'd you miss that?," "That's not in the manual," "Um, did you want me to roll with that?," "Your backpacks on fire," "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that is not news," "Hey, Dave, you want to call a real fireman?," "I'm not cleared for this level," "All right, it wasn't a fire," "I lost a good friend today because I didn't act fast enough," "You found it," "What are you saying, the fire is alive?," "Fire doesn't think, all right," "You know, a fire does the strangest things," "Isn't that that firefighter from yesterday?," "It's called investigative journalism," "How's my hair?," "Hey, maybe I did sprain my ankle," "Don't you think this is a little excessive? No," "Mating sounds good. Let's move out," "I didn't realize I was so damned dangerous," "Mr. Fallon, you're under arrest," "I study fire," "New recruit? For what, the fire nuts club?," "I thought we had an agreement, Dutch," "Sometimes the enemy isn't who you think it is," "I warned you, Cooke!," "Remember me you sonofabitch!," "I'm not going to Los Alamos, and neither are you," and "I wouldn't worry about the fire truck, sir, I'd worry about that."

Rating: 7.0/10

Striking Range



And then there's "Striking Range," one of the worst action movies I have ever seen, and a movie that now surpasses "Route 666" as Lou Diamond Phillips' worst movie (and for those of you who have seen "Route 666" you know exactly what I'm talking about). Written, directed, and edited (could that credit listing be any more freaking pretentious?) by Daniel Millican, "Striking Range" is a movie in search of a point. The alleged story has something to do with bad guys, lead by the Jeff Speakman as Kilmer, trying to steal a particle beam weapon from billionaire Republican lunatic weapons builder Ted Billings (played by Glenn Morshower) for some reason. Trying to stop Kilmer is Eugene "Vash" Vasher (Phillips) and his hip and edgy team of mercenaries for hire (John Hatem, as played by Tom Wright, and communications specialist Mabe, as played by Scarlett McAlister. There's a bald white guy here, too, but I don't remember his name). At least I assume that Vash and his team are mercenaries for hire.

See, when we first meet Vash and his crew, they're infiltrating a bank during a robbery that the bank manager knew about ahead of time and hired Vash to prevent. At least I think that's what's happening. I really have no idea because throughout this entire sequence Phillips and Wright have an incredibly stupid conversation about Wright's son playing first person video games. The conversation has abolutely nothing to do with anything and I assume exists in the movie because Milican thinks he's both Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith. Milican is just soooooo impressed with himself and his "great" dialogue that it's distracting. Again, I literally have no idea what's going on here.

When the opening sequence bullstuff is over and the movie proper starts, things don't get any better. Vash and his crew sort of mill around being hip and edgy, complaining about being broke and having no direction (ha!). So then Vash and Hatem and Mabe and the bald guy are hired by Billings to provide protection for him and his nerdy son Brice (Troy Baker) against unspecified threats. Of course, those "unspecified threats" involve Kilmer. Now, when Vash and Hatem arrive at the Billings building, Vash finds out that old flame Emily Johanson (Yancy Butler) is head of security for Billings. That leads to some uncomfortable moments between Vash and Emily as they try to formulate a plan to keep Billings safe.

So then the movie goes through its lame as hell paces. There are some poorly staged action sequences (including some weak as heck machine gun fire), a series of really stupid twists that don't pay off because the movie never once establishes what the hell is going on in the first place, and an ending that provides a nonsensical nod to the beginning of the movie that may have paid off if, again, we knew what the hell was going on.

The cast, on paper, is pretty good. Lou Diamond Phillips, Yancy Butler, Jeff Speakman, Tom Wright, and Glenn Morshower should be kicking butt in this movie. They have a great look, and they really look like they're trying to make this story work, Speakman especially (there's a guy who should be a bigger star than he is, but then he ends up in movies like this), but their collective effort is really all for naught because the flick is just awful at its core.

There's really no excuse for how bad this movie is. None at all. I can't say that I can't believe Phillips made this movie (because, as I said, he did make "Route 666," a movie that suffers the same sort of problems that "Striking Range" suffers from, and, hey, the dude's gotta eat), but for the love of Drake, Lou, you need a better agent or something. Because this movie is just stupid.

"Striking Range" is just a huge pile of garbage, a total waste of time.

So what do we have here? A spilled cup of coffee, gratuitous Lou Diamond Phillips, gratuitous conversation about first person shooter video games, a handgun with a silencer, blood on the wall, gratuitous up close slow motion bullet through the air through a woman's body, gratuitous computer animated title cards, "written, directed, and edited by Daniel Millican," gratuitous Yancy Butler, creating a particle beam weapon, a desk drawer filled with fake ID's, doing puzzles, gratuitous Tom Wright, gratuitous annoying pseudo alternative whiny rock soundtrack, tree limb trimming, punch to the stomach, union bashing, talk about a political science degree, a smack to the back of the head, a security control room in a closet, an "office legend," a gallon of water, heart shot, body dragging, gratuitous overstabbing a guy, gratuitous Jeff Speakman, throat slitting, electrocution, a smoke grenade, gratuitous stairwell shootout, knocking over a garbage can, putting a can of bug spray in a microwave, grenade throwing, computer monitor to the head, wiping blood off the wall with a white handkerchief, gratuitous Desert Eagle, an arm on fire, an M-16 in the back seat, gratuitous talk about Desert Storm, a coffeemaker, instantaneous blood analysis, gratuitous suiting up montage, putting on a leather coat, a bug zapper, a night vision scope, shot to the head, chair bondage, Jeff Speakman beating the crap out of Lou Diamond Phillips, particle beam to the chest, gratuitous multiple shoulder shots, and freaking stupidity.

Best lines: "You know, your son is one of the best computer game players I've ever seen," "Okay, lets open this Trojan Horse," "There's nothing here," "I just ordered a sports car. I haven't even driven it yet," "Am I the only one who knows this shit?," "Looks like I'm going to need my fed suit again," "Eugene?," "This is my son Brice. He's got a higher IQ than me but he's still stupid," "By the way, it's Karl Marx not Vladimir Lenin," "Oughta be the poster child for birth control," "Yeah, sorry, no ID, no appointment, I'm just here to kidnap Billings to get some information," "Some of these floors have very little security," "Okay, regroup in the garage," "You almost got shot, son," "Wait a minute, these are government black ops people?," "John, don't scratch my car," "You're a piece of shit, John, do you hear me? You're a piece of shit!," "She's not talking to you. Just drive," "Mental instability? What do you mean, like insanity?," "I don't like this," "Ow my leg! Ow my leg! Shut up!," "What is my IQ?," "Baby, you've got company. Lock it down," and "I was a political science major, asshole, not a math major!"

Rating: 1.0/10

***

Well, I think that'll be it for this issue (and after enduring "Striking Range" I'm kind of glad that it's over). B-movies rule, always remember that.

"Fire Serpent"

Randolph Mantooth- Dutch Fallon
Nicholas Brendon- Jake Relm
Sandrine Holt- Christina Andrews
Robert Beltran- Cooke
Diego Klattenhoff- Young Dutch
Lisa Langlois- Heather
Patrice Goodman- Billie
Steve Boyle- Dave Massaro
Directed by John Terlesky
Screenplay by Garfield Reeves-Stevens and Judith Reeves-Stevens, based on an idea by William Shatner
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for some violent content
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here


"Striking Range"

Lou Diamond Phillips- Eugene "Vash" Vasher
Yancy Butler- Emily Johanson
Tom Wright- John Hatem
Jeff Speakman- Kilmer
Glenn Morhsower- Ted Billings
Scarlett McAlister- Mabe
Troy Baker- Brice Billings
Directed by Daniel Millican
Screenplay by Daniel Millican
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 96 minutes
Buy it here