I'm Not Gonna Lie: 04.14.08

Posted by Nick Wallander on 04.14.2008

It has to be good if we talk about Uwe Boll!

So, he's a tool and an asshole?

I'm not gonna lie, folks. I have lost all interest in watching "American Idol" and haven't seen a single episode since last spring's finale. All interest swirled down the toilet last year when Sanjaya was eliminated. His ability to defy the odds week after week while sucking worse than a Catholic school girl gave me hope that I can go far in life without any real talent. Once he was gone, so was the magic. Anyway, that has little to do with what I initially intended to talk about.

Despite the fact that I don't bother to watch "Idol", that doesn't mean that I haven't heard the latest scuttlebutt that is getting everyone a little worked up. As it turns out, Ryan Seacrest may in fact be the biggest dick on television. Evidently, he tugged on some emotional strings and made it seem like "Idol" was going to repeat its act of charity from last season and not eliminate anyone on the night of "Idol Gives Back". A young man by the name of Michael Johns was sent packing moments after Seacrest referenced last year's stay of execution. That was cold, Ryan. Really freaking cold. It is probably safe to say that Mr. Seacrest became one of the most hated men in America and he didn't even have to bomb anything to accomplish that feat.

Apparently this Michael Johns guy is real talented, or so many people are muttering across the various message boards on the ‘net. One of my college buddies named David seems to think that this ousting was unjust and he is a man I can trust for an honest assessment of talent, which means the bigger travesty here is that America voted like a bunch of ass clowns. This is where Ryan Seacrest is off the hook. All he did was deliver the fatal message, but he didn't pull the trigger. That was all of you "Idol" fans who didn't back your boy. It's your fault Michael Johns is going home, not Ryan Seacrest's, not Fox's, and not any of the other contestants. I'd scold you all more, but I don't watch that show, so I'd be way out of line.

DUI are still ridiculous

Speaking of being out of line, Misha Barton isn't going to jail for DUI. She plead no-contest and is only getting three years of unsupervised probation. I know, folks, it is a crock of bullshit. You all sure wouldn't be walking away seemingly free and clear if you did that. It is a shame she didn't get to spend any time being someone's pet in prison.

This brings me to a general complaint about all the Hollywood stars who get themselves arrested for drunk driving. How does that even happen? Yes, I may have asked this question before, but it is still one I would like answered. These people are essentially loaded with all the resources at their disposal and thus can have lush accommodations such as a limousine or a personal driver. There is no need for them to drive themselves around drunk when someone could be doing that for them. Hell, the worst case scenario for these stars is that they might have to call for a cab. Scratch that. The worst scenario would probably be asking the paparazzi for a ride, but then again, at least they get home safe and sound. Sure they'd have a few more pictures in the tabloids, but at least they won't be on the cover.

Uwe bet he's a little pissed off!

Anybody hear anything about Uwe Boll lately? I haven't heard much about the guy since I said he wasn't the worst director out there. Does anyone know if he ever did that boxing match he was talking about many months back? Maybe I should Google that. Hold on one second, please. Wait a second! There is an online petition to stop him from directing! Holy Shit! We could have totally used such a device to stop the release of "Freddy Got Fingered" a few years back.

All joking aside, there is a legitimate online petition out there requesting that Uwe Boll stop directing movies. Boll has stated that he'll quit if one million names are signed on the petition. Currently there are 190,000 + names on this list, which is kind of impressive, but not even a fifth of the way there. Honestly, is that even worth trying? If you don't like his work, then don't go see the man's movies. It is that simple. When I have a bad experience at a Taco Bell I don't start an online petition to get Linda, the ugly cashier, to quit her job. Nobody signed a petition to get Ryan Leaf to leave the NFL.

My point is that the man is entitled to do his job and that the only way he won't be working anymore is when he doesn't bring the studios any money. Poor performance at your job eventually gets you booted by those who have the power (with the exception being George W. Bush, who gets to go out on his own terms next January).

Besides, you all need to just appreciate the man for the class act he truly is:




Don't tell anyone, but this week I watched…

…"Big Brother 9". There are certain things in life that people know they shouldn't do, but do anyways. Some of these things include licking a battery, drinking beer before whisky, or dating your best friend's ex. We all know better, but we shrug our shoulders and figure we can suck it up and deal with the consequences. Another example of such a thing is the fact that I have been watching this season's "Big Brother" since the midway point in the season.

I don't honestly have a justifiable reason for this other than the fact that it is fun to watch other people's drama. It is easy as hell to forget your own bullshit when two people are screaming at each other over an eviction nomination. Yes the drama is quite petty, childish, and uncalled for at times, but damn is it sure as hell entertaining. Not only is it compelling as hell to see all these people betray one another, it is a lesson in human behavior. You are quickly introduced to the fact that people will be civil until their livelihood becomes threatened. It is kind of like seeing a pack of hyenas fight over an antelope leg, but in this case the animals use fun sayings like "he back-doored me!"

In case you were wondering, being back-doored on "Big Brother" has nothing to do with intercourse, which is ironic since one houseguest was in Penthouse and another was in gay adult films. These are the kinds of details you learn when you become obsessed with a reality television show. And how does one do that? Simple: They watch the live feed from the house provided for a monthly fee on CBS's website.

Yep, I might have stooped to a whole new low. There I was earlier this week, sitting in my boxers, watching the remaining houseguests talk about "The Big Lebowski". It is like stalking, but on an acceptable level. On the plus side of the creepiness, one does get to learn what has happened in the house before we see it on the air. Basically, it is a great time waster and I suggest taking advantage of the 3 day trial.

SCHRUTABLES
This week's words from the mouth of Dwight K. Schrute

(Dwight has brought a date to Michael's dinner party since it was a couples only event)

Jim: So, how do you guys know each other?
Dwight's Date: I was his babysitter
Pam: You guys are dating?
Dwight: Its purely carnal and that's all you need to know.
Jim(leaning in towards Dwight's former babysitter): Would you write down your email because I have, just, so many questions?
Dwight's Date: Email?