Misunderstood Masterpieces 4.22.08: Escape from L.A.

Posted by Will Helm on 04.22.2008

…or, The Continuing Adventures of Snake Triscuit

I suppose I should explain the teaser a bit. Back in 1996 – and I can't believe that this movie is twelve years old, I misheard the last name of the character of "Snake Plissken" as "Snake Triscuit." Seriously. Of course, it didn't help that I'd never seen the original film, Escape from New York. Shocking; I know.

Actually, it is a surprise, as 1981's Escape from New York marks the first collaboration between one-time child star Kurt Russell and the director of Halloween, John Carpenter, which would continue to The Thing and Big Trouble in Little China. As for Escape from New York, it's a little post-apocalyptic ditty about President Donald Pleasance held hostage in the prison that is Manhattan and the only man who can save him is . . . Snake Triscuit! I mean "Plissken." Sorry about that. Anyway, stuff happens, everything's all dark, and Snake screws everyone over with his warped sense of humor in the end. Yes, Snake Plissken is the stereotypical anti-hero and, in addition, this film made that character a legend.

Remarkably, unlike most films, it took fifteen years to make a sequel – whereas, nowadays, most sequels are greenlit after the first weekend. Of course, most of these fifteen years were spent in "development hell" – always a red flag here at Misunderstood Masterpieces – and it took the Hollywood clout of Kurt Russell, who actually wanted to reprise the character just for fun, to bring the picture to fruition. Considering the box-office reception to the film, he shouldn't have bothered, as the film flopped at theaters; evidently, as most people probably forgot that Escape from New York existed at that point, this incident proves why most sequels are indeed greenlit after opening weekend. It is a shame that Escape from L.A. couldn't equal the success of its predecessor, but perhaps it can be something more. Perhaps it could be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

In 1998, an anonymous voice-over lady talks over some cheesy computer graphics, which makes me feel like I'm actually playing a Command & Conquer game. According to the voice-over lady, the Big Kahuna (Cliff Robertson) wants to destroy Los Angeles, which is apparently – in 1998 – a "hive of scum and villainy." Oh wait . . . that Mos Eisley. Los Angeles is just the same Los Angeles as today, just ten years less modern. Anyway, a few years later, the Big Kahuna gets his wish, as an earthquake sinks most of the land surrounding Los Angeles, creating an island from Anaheim to Malibu. Somehow, this also leads to the election of the Big Kahuna as dictator-for-life of the United States; then again, this is a classical historical progression: tyranny generally follows a cataclysm. Napoleon followed the Reign of Terror, Hitler followed World War I, etc. It's just like that, only with Gidget's crush as the dictator. His first act: he makes Aamco the official gasoline supplier of the United States.

His next act is to make the now-island of Los Angeles into a high-security prison, shipping every immoral exile and miscreant there, just because he can. As such, in 2013, fake Nazis run around the island masquerading as prison guards . . . or they really are the prison guards. And what's the deal with all the Nazi imagery in Misunderstood Masterpieces lately? Anyway, as helicopters patrol the skies above the island, sad citizens stand around while legendary hero and outlaw Snake Plissken (Russell) is dropped off on the island, probably for a permanent stay. Or not, as police lieutenant Stacy Keach and his assistant (Michelle Forbes) have some plans for Snake. First, however, some random guy has to patronize Snake with an ethical lecture, just to hammer home the fact that Snake isn't in control of the situation.

The cops take Snake down to a hidden base on the California mainland and, once there, some manly female cop scratches Snake in one of those IMPORTANT PLOT POINT moments that's just too choreographed for its own good. Honestly, closing up on Snake's wound just to hammer home the fact that what just happened is important totally ruins any suspense later in the film. Anyway, the cops move Snake to a cell where he watches videos and finally meets with Stacy Keach, who hangs back while his assistant briefs Snake about the mission at hand. Apparently, the Big Kahuna's daughter (A.J. Langer) stole some top-secret superweapon – as if there's any other kind – and then went nuts on her own plane and she's holding the United States hostage with the top-secret superweapon. Of course, as she's just a silly girl, this wasn't her idea: she was brainwashed by a Peruvian guy from Los Angeles named "Cuervo Jones" (George Corraface) – as I guess "Cuervo Gold" would've been too obvious – in her virtual-reality simulator. Wow . . . someone actually plays Second Life? Shocking.

Anyway, Stacy Keach and the Big Kahuna entrust Snake to once again save the day by getting the top-secret superweapon back and they also tell Snake to kill the Big Kahuna's daughter in the process, just for fun. Snake, as per his particular idiom as an anti-hero, refuses, so the assistant mentions the IMPORTANT PLOT POINT to Snake, as he now has a deadly virus coursing through his veins and only they hold the antidote, so Snake really isn't in a position to bargain. I guess that's the post-apocalyptic version of negotiating over the phone nude. Well . . . I've always heard that negotiations work best when one party knows something the other doesn't, and what could be more secretive than that? Anyway, after Snake reluctantly assents to his captors' request, Stacy Keach and the assistant reward Snake with some awesome gadgets . . . and some matches. Snake then changes into a goofy outfit and, before he leaves, he shoots Stacy Keach with his ridiculously big gun . . . which is filled with blanks. Oh, you wacky Stacy Keach!

Snake, totally put out that his little mini-rebellion was unsuccessful, hops on board a one-man submarine and he jets off into the sea surrounding the island of Los Angeles. Snake, since he's cool, ignores Stacy Keach's entreaties to keep the throttle down as he drives around terrible CGI buildings and the shark over by Universal Studios . . . which has somehow turned real in the future. Whatever, movie. After his little trip through the outskirts of Los Angeles, Snake finally runs aground on the island, but, unfortunately for him, his submarine decides it doesn't like the surroundings, so it falls back in the water, ne'er to be seen again. And, if that wasn't bad enough, Snake runs afoul of a group of surfers, probably because he's totally harshing their buzz. Luckily for Snake, the surfers' guru, Peter Fonda, is on hand to tell them all to chill out.

With an incident averted, Snake wanders off into the woods and he watches calmly as two cars drive around shooting at each other. Well, the passengers shoot at each other; the cars just go. Of course, Peter Fonda can't let the situation rest, so he catches up with Snake and, after a pointless chat, Peter Fond helps out the plot by telling Snake how to get to the Hollywood Bowl. Evidently Stacy Keach and his assistant forgot to give Snake a map along with all of his cool gadgets . . . and matches. Somewhere between his landing point and the Hollywood Bowl, Snake ends up in a stereotypical futuristic red-light district. I'll have to remember that for the future: after any cataclysmic event, it pays to invest in prostitution. Good to know. Fittingly, Snake's next destination is a brothel, where he rudely questions a skinhead and a hooker about the location of Cuervo Jones; the prostitute – as all movie hookers have hearts of gold – helps out Snake, so he responds by killing the skinhead, just because he's Snake and that's what he does.

Sometime later in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles, Snake wanders aimlessly through the streets until he finds Cuervo Jones and the Big Kahuna's daughter leading a parade. Snake, fired by a can-do attitude and a total lack of subtlety, crashes the party by hijacking one of the motorcycles in Cuervo's motorcade and causing a few other motorcycles to explode. Unfortunately, Snake doesn't cause another henchman's horse to explode, because that would've made the scene that much cooler. Not that I wish ill on horses, but just because it'd be so goofy and illogical that it'd just bring a smile to my face. And isn't that really what's important? Anyway, Cuervo, actually displaying a higher I.Q. than a good percentage of movie villains, knocks out Snake with a bolo and leaves him on the side of the road for his henchmen to take care of. Unfortunately for Cuervo, his henchmen aren't the brightest bulbs around, as they stand around and let Snake shoot them. Somehow, though, some guy ends up with Snake's coat in the process, stealing the bulk of his cool gadgets.

Snake, totally put out that some guy stole his coat and gadgets, calls up Stacy Keach to whine and complain about the situation. Stacy Keach isn't sympathetic, so he tells Snake to man up; instead, Snake just sits around and mopes. I never would've thought Snake Plissken to be the emo type. Luckily for Snake, Steve Buscemi shows up out of nowhere to interrupt the moping as he tries to sell Snake a map of Beverly Hills, Snake's next destination. Snake, probably still upset that Stacy Keach and his assistant didn't give him a map and then some guy stole his coat and cool gadgets, spurns Steve Buscemi's offer and goes it alone. And, at this point, everyone should know just how bad an idea unilateral action is.

Once in Beverly Hills, Snake ends up in the woods again, but this time, instead of Peter Fonda, he finds a HOT CHICK (Valeria Golino) hiding out there while creepy hooded Satanists patrol the streets. Snake, still a malcontent over his losses and just how rude Stacy Keach was to him earlier, bumbles his way down to the street and he's unsurprisingly captured by the hooded Satanists, as well as the HOT CHICK. The hooded Satanists then take Snake and the HOT CHICK to a plastic-surgery clinic where they're held captives by a bunch of Joan Rivers impersonators and their leader: plastic-coated Bruce Campbell! Well, Escape from L.A. gains a point for having Bruce Campbell in it, that's for sure. Anyway, after plastic-coated Bruce Campbell peruses Snake's bits for harvesting, Snake uses one of the few cool gadgets he has left – a "mouth dart," specifically – to knock out plastic-coated Bruce Campbell . . . who unwittingly and preposterously frees Snake in the process. Snake then takes plastic-coated Bruce Campbell hostage as he teams with the now-freed HOT CHICK to escape.

Out on the streets, Snake, with the HOT CHICK in tow, shoots a few of the hooded Satanists before he and his accomplice retreat to the sewers. Once down there, Snake bonds with the HOT CHICK, who helpfully guides him to another part of Los Angeles. I guess this is the cut-scene portion of the game before Snake starts the next level. Seriously; the movie is really playing out like a video-game. Maybe it really is Command & Conquer after all. And, if it is, where's Kari Wuhrer? Anyway, once at the start of the next level, the HOT CHICK warns Snake about the crazy Koreans running this part of town before she hits on him a bit. Snake, however, isn't in the mood for lovin', because he's all business . . . and he's also got a virulent illness that's going to kill him in a few hours if he doesn't finish his mission. The HOT CHICK, unwilling to take "no" for an answer, follows Snake up to the surface, where they get philosophical about the state of Los Angeles and how it relates to personal freedoms . . . and the HOT CHICK gets shot by some crazy Korean kids. Maybe Snake should've took her up on that offer of lovin' after all.

While the Korean kids go crazy with their submachine guns, Steve Buscemi drives up to pick up Snake. Snake, now really upset that the lone HOT CHICK in Los Angeles is now dead – and he didn't score with her before hand, isn't pleased with riding around with Steve Buscemi, so Steve Buscemi shoots Snake with a hallucinogen to lighten the mood a bit. While Snake slips in and out of consciousness, Steve Buscemi drives over to Cuervo's base of operations, because, shockingly, they're in cahoots. In the meantime, the Big Kahuna and Stacy Keach argue over Snake's fate, because they've lost track of him and the Big Kahuna just wants to blow up Los Angeles. Why he didn't do that right after the earthquake is beyond me; no one would've noticed and he just could've said it was an "accident." That usually works. Stacy Keach, being Stacy Keach, tells the Big Kahuna to cram it and let Snake do his work, even though right now Snake seems pretty inept at it.

Back in Los Angeles, Cuervo takes to the airwaves as he addresses all of North America and he reveals his EVIL SCHEME, causing the Big Kahuna to freak out . . . especially when Cuervo uses the top-secret superweapon – which evidently wasn't that top secret if Cuervo knows how to use it – to send an electromagnetic pulse over Lynchburg, Virginia, shutting down the Big Kahuna's hometown. Dum-dum-DUM! While Cuervo gloats over his success, his henchmen take Snake over to the Los Angeles Coliseum, where the guy who stole Snake's coat his hanging out among the other henchmen. While Snake stands around and takes in the ambiance, some guys shoot a basketball player while another poor sap is beheaded with a pair of giant gardening shears. Ooh . . . I hope he wasn't Cuervo's landscaper; that'd just be a little too ironic.

Anyway, after Cuervo and the Big Kahuna's daughter take their place of honor in the Coliseum, Cuervo sentences Snake to . . . shoot hoops! Of course, if Snake loses the game he gets shot, but it's still just basketball at heart. Snake, unsurprisingly, yet much to Cuervo's chagrin, wins the game by hitting a buzzer beater at the end, and the crowd goes wild. Cuervo, unhappy with having his place in his followers' hearts usurped, shoots at a quickly escaping Snake, but the Big Kahuna's daughter makes a face turn and tries to save Snake from Cuervo's wrath, allowing Snake to flee to safety.

In the aftermath of Snake's flight – ooh . . . flying snakes; creepy! – Cuervo orders his men to search high and low for the notorious outlaw; in the meantime, Snake just blows up a car as a diversion before surprising Cuervo with a few punches and, in the process, Snake steals the top-secret superweapon. Snake, who must've learned a thing or two from his stay in Los Angeles, once again retreats to the sewers, but, this time, the Big Kahuna's daughter and Steve Buscemi give chase. While the Big Kahuna's daughter begs for Snake's forgiveness – pretty much because she knows her father wants her dead, Steve Buscemi lurks in the shadows, giving him the luxury of shooting Snake in the leg, causing Snake to drop the top-secret superweapon before falling into a pit!

While Steve Buscemi takes the top-secret superweapon back to Cuervo, Snake washes up in a puddle next to Peter Fonda. Peter Fonda, who's apparently a super cool Snake Plissken groupie, just wants to surf, but he also teaches Snake how to do it . . . pretty much so Snake can progress to the next level of the game. Something tells me this might involve pressing the "circle" button repeatedly. Snake takes Peter Fonda up on the offer and they "surf" – if surfing actually involves gesticulating in front of a green screen – a giant wave through a canyon, until Snake spies Steve Buscemi driving the streets and preposterously leaps from his surfboard to carjack Steve Buscemi!

Once in the car, Snake pummels Steve Buscemi into submission, so they make an alliance before Steve Buscemi tells Snake to head over to the Queen Mary to meet with another interested party and rival of Cuervo. Once on the ship, Snake – now with a rather nagging cough courtesy of his deadly virus – and Steve Buscemi meet with that area's infamous crime lord, tranny Pam Grier! Apparently, tranny Pam Grier and Snake are old buddies . . . or were old buddies; this is like if Han Solo went to Bespin and found out that Lando Calrissian had a sex change since last time they were together. Awkward! Anyway, after some witty banter, Snake, Steve Buscemi, and tranny Pam Grier make an alliance against Cuervo and then they scheme to bring the Peruvian terrorist to justice. Or death. Which, in the Big Kahuna's United States, is pretty much the same thing.

Anyway, in order to get to Cuervo's big rally in a hurry, Snake and his associates take to the air, hang-gliding over Los Angeles to the next level. Meanwhile, Cuervo, with the Big Kahuna's daughter by his side, addresses his people while they shoot guns in the air. A little bit later, half of those people ended up dead when those bullets came back down to Earth. Oh well. For no reason other than just because, a government helicopter lands amidst the rally and, as the pilots are dumb enough to open the doors, the people quickly hijack it. Unfortunately, they're too distracted to notice Snake and his allies swooping in with guns and explosions blazing. Oops.

After Snake lands, he heads right for the boss fight, ignoring the henchmen in between. That's a good strategy; henchmen are for NPCs to deal with. Snake and Cuervo finally duel, but Cuervo is outmatched as Snake quickly bests him and steals back the top-secret superweapon. With the mission now nearly over, Snake and the good guys, as well as the Big Kahuna's daughter, hop in the government helicopter and take off. Cuervo, not happy to be embarrassed by a legendary anti-hero, grabs a missile launcher and sets his sights on the helicopter. Before he can fire, Steve Buscemi leans out of the helicopter and shoots Cuervo . . . because everyone knows that Cuervo is best when shot.

Much like his potent namesake, Cuervo packs a punch, as he fires the missile anyway before dying of his gunshot wound. After the missile hits the helicopter, Steve Buscemi falls to the ground, mostly unharmed, leaving tranny Pam Grier and her henchmen to be roasted alive in the back seat of the helicopter; Snake and the Big Kahuna's daughter just seem a little overheated, however. Things get a little hairier as Snake makes his way to the mainland and calls Stacy Keach along the way, telling him the mission is mostly a success. Once over the mainland, Snake drops off the Big Kahuna's daughter with the top-secret superweapon and then he crashes the helicopter. Oh well; movie's over.

Or not, as Stacy Keach and the Big Kahuna catch up with a remarkably alive Snake and they reveal that Snake's ailment was actually an elaborate ruse and merely a short-term bout of flu. Dum-dum-DUM! In addition, the Big Kahuna's troops capture the Big Kahuna's daughter and he summarily sentences her to death, but not before taking back the top-secret superweapon. Smugly delighted with how everything turned out, the Big Kahuna has a press conference out in the middle of the woods . . . and he realizes, much to his chagrin, that his daughter was actually carrying one of Steve Buscemi's maps, not the top-secret superweapon! In response, he orders Stacy Keach to kill Snake, who still has the top-secret superweapon in his possession, but the Big Kahuna and Stacy Keach learn that its hard to kill a hologram. Snake, hiding off somewhere else, responds to his sort-of near-death experience by using the top-secret superweapon to shut down everything on Earth . . . and then he smokes. Well, that was dark . . . no pun intended.

To be honest, the first two-thirds or so of Escape from L.A. aren't that bad. The action may be a little over-the-top and some of the plot points predictable, but, aside from a few cheesy winky moments – the shark at Universal Studios or Snake shooting hoops, for example, there's really nothing truly off-putting. Once Snake falls into the sewers after being shot, however, the movie seems to fall apart; it's as if the movie, realizing that it's spent way too much time getting Snake from place to place with no rhyme or reason other than to introduce a lot of characters that really have no bearing on the plot – the HOT CHICK and plastic-coated Bruce Campbell, among others – has to rush through the last third to come in on time. After the villain is anticlimactically disposed of – and, in the process, most of the extraneous characters killed off – the "shocking" swerve at the end isn't really that shocking and Snake's final "gag" seems almost too dark for the character – even though Snake is a VERY dark character, ending a rather campy film on a humorless down note. It'd be a great ending if the rest of the film fit the tenor, but, alas, it just wraps up another Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I celebrate the U.S. presidential campaigns with a trilogy of politically influenced films. See you then!