Mad Ramblings of a Movie Geek 04.26.08 Ridiculous '80's Movie Remakes
Posted by Jordan Bruns on 04.26.2008
Jordan Bruns takes a stab at the increasingly popular trend of movie remakes...
Welcome to the sophomore edition of Mad Ramblings of a Movie Geek! This was supposed to be up on Wednesday but I've been having technical issues. Better late than never, though! I begin with a quote from Pat Healy (Matt Dillon) in There's Something About Mary: "Why can't they ever remake good movies, like The Karate Kid or Harold and Maude?…
… a prophetic statement, perhaps? Because, according to rumors, there is a Karate Kid remake in the works, apparently with Will Smith's son Jaden attached to star. Actually, I think there's a good chance that every successful movie from the 1980's has been proposed for a remake. So, since Hollywood is remaking everything under the sun (or re-imagining them, however you want to look at it), I have decided to come up with my own list of fantasy remake proposals. I give you my list of…
RIDICULOUS ‘80's MOVIE REMAKES
Proposed Remake #1:The Karate Kid Premise: A teenager, who was badly beaten by gang members as part of an initiation ritual, vows revenge against his tormentors. He enlists the help of the elderly Japanese man living in his basement, offering him free sake in exchange for Karate lessons. The kid thinks he is learning valuable self-defense techniques, but the Japanese man just wants his car waxed. The kid learns nothing, and eventually the old Japanese man drinks himself to death. Distraught, the kid turns to his estranged father, who just happens to be… Chuck Norris. Together, father and son wage war against the gang members and dispose of them one by one. That is, until a sadistic Karate instructor, played by Steven Seagal, forces Norris and son to fight each other to the death.
"I am your father..."
"That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
"What the hell is Mark Hamill doing here?"
Proposed Remake #2:Ferris Bueller's Day Off Premise: In this brilliant "re-imagining" (you like how I threw that word in?) of the classic teen comedy, Ferris learns that he has inadvertently ingested a rare poison and has eighteen hours to live. He decides to ditch school and spend his remaining hours on Earth with his friend Cameron and his girlfriend Sloane. Unbeknownst to Ferris, it was actually principal Ed Rooney who poisoned him. Rooney is now hot on the trail of the three youngsters, determined to witness Ferris' death firsthand (like the dead grandmother in the original). However, in a shocking twist ending, it will be revealed that Rooney and Ferris were in cahoots the whole time, and that the "poisoning" was just a façade in order to catch Cameron and Sloane at their most vulnerable. Ferris kills Cameron and Sloane with a machete before double-crossing Rooney. It turns out Ferris was really working with… Chuck Norris… Chuck Norris decapitates Rooney with a vicious Roundhouse Kick before hurling Ferris down the Death Star Reactor Shaft.
"I've got an idea. Let's all make exactly the same pose. 1,2,3, GO!"
Proposed Remake #3:The Breakfast Club Premise: A group of high school kids are forced to serve Saturday detention for engaging in a mass orgy during Study Hall. While there, they meet the delinquent John Bender, who serves so many weekend detentions that he lives in the school- I mean, literally. He's got a tent and everything. As they slowly bare their souls to each other and are on the cusp of becoming good friends, Bender reveals that he is part of a secret society called "The Breakfast Club." All are sworn in as members, but when Bender reveals his plans to assassinate Presidential Candidate Charles Palantine (since Bender's become obsessed with Cybill Shepherd), only Brian the math geek can stop him, but wait, John Bender is not who he seems- he's actually… Judd Nelson? WTF??? Judd Nelson reveals that this entire remake was just a ploy to get another role in a big budget movie. He laughs, flips off the camera, and the screen goes black…
"And it would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling Brat Packers!"
I saved the best for last. Let's take The Goonies and remake it, only we'll cross it with The Boondock Saints (OK, not an ‘80's movie, but so what) so we can have… what else? The Goondock Saints! It's brilliant, I tell you, just brilliant! OK, I must admit, ideas like these are the reason no woman will dare talk to me, but I'm on a roll so I can't stop now!
"Sloth... love...remakes!"
Proposed Remake #4:The Goonies aka The Goondock Saints Premise: This is partially a loose sequel to both movies, as well as a remake. This time, our prepubescent heroes are part of a militia group organized to exterminate the McManus Brothers, who by now have killed every major organized crime figure in the United States. However, they get more than they bargained for when Rocco returns from the dead as a zombie and bites Chunk. The gang's grieving doesn't last long, though, as Chunk is now Rocco's zombie minion, and they rejoin the group in their search for the famous vigilantes. In the end, though, the McManuses are too much for a group of kids- even Data's new Super Bazooka Blaster does little to thwart them- maybe because it was just a giant water gun. Ahh, Data. Ever the pacifist. In the climactic showdown, set in a crowded Chuck E. Cheese's (it's Zombie Chunk's birthday, you see), Connor and Murphy McManus finally kill our beloved Goonies and stand in triumph. Immediately thereafter, their brains are eaten by Chunk and Rocco. The two Zombie buddies then enjoy a slice of Pizza with none other than… Chuck Norris!
"I don't eat brains, I'm the Funny Man!"
I should go move to Hollywood and try to pitch some of these ideas, for they are bound to be big moneymakers if they ever come to fruition. Believe it or not, I've actually seen movies far worse than these ideas. Battlefield Earth, anybody?
That's it for my sophomore column, folks. Until next time…
