The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 4.27.08: Issue #11

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 04.27.2008

"Day of the Dead" remake and "Hard as Nails"

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #11: "Day of the Dead" remake and "Hard as Nails"

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the eleventh issue of the internets movie review column that has never met anyone with the middle name "Rhubarb," The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host, Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, I take a look at the recent "Day of the Dead" remake, "Day of the Dead," and the Roger Corman produced 2001 convuluted action flick "Hard as Nails."

Day of the Dead



Now, when this flick was announced as definitely happening, I was basically of two minds about it. As a George A. Romero zombie movie nerd I was annoyed with the prospect of another Romero remake without Romero's involvement (it's just rude to remake the master's work and not include him in it). But then when Steve Miner, director of "Friday the 13th part 2" and part 3, "House," "Halloween H20," and "Lake Placid" fame, was named as the remake's director, I was a bit relieved. The producers were not going the hip and edgy music video director route, they were instead giving the helm to a proven director, someone who pretty much knows what the heck he is doing. I figured the flick was in relatively good hands.

Now, after having seen the movie, all I can say is I was wrong. While Steve Miner did the best job he could with what he had to work with, not even he could work enough director magic to fix the incredibly fucking stupid script written by Jeffrey Reddick.

How stupid?

First off, the flick never establishes the rules for how a person can become a zombie. Usually, even in the worst zombie movies, there's a moment where a character kind of explains what's happening or it's obvious from the action on screen what's happening. It's either the recently dead coming back to life for whatever reason or a bunch of people in one location doused with chemicals or something becoming "infected, and then those zombies attack the living, bite them, and then those people become "infected" and become zombies. Then the main objective for the regular old living people is stay the hell away from the zombies and try not to get bit. The "Day of the Dead" remake starts out with the chemical spill idea, but for reasons that make no sense expands the spill area from one little spot (like in the underground lab of the military base that's nearby) to basically the entire town of Ledville, Colorado. But instead of the entire town becoming immediately infected and then turning into zombies, only certain people are infected at first, and then as the story goes on more people start turning. This is in addition to the traditional method of zombie infection, being bit by a zombie or just dying of natural causes and coming back. I'm going to guess that Reddick and Miner thought that this "anything can happen at any moment" idea would add a new level of excitement or suspesne to the "same old story" of people running away from the undead, but it doesn't. Instead of creating new suspense or adding on another layer of danger for the protagonists, it just makes the story confusing. As a result there is no suspense and very little overall danger to anyone. There's no reason for anyone to try to get away and stay alive because eventually they're apparently going to become a zombie no matter what. If they wanted to go with this entire town infected idea, why not add a ticking clock (the zombie disease only went to the edge of town because that was the way it was designed, and as long as you get out of town within twenty four hours of being exposed, you won't turn)? Or an "antidote" that has to be injected within a certain timeframe? Missed opportunities.

Second, the story starts off like a hip and edgy teen slasher movie, with young people making out in a barn. I have nothing against hip and edgy teen slasher movies, and while Miner is quite good at making them, it's a section that has absolutely no business being in the movie. None. It doesn't add anything to the characters Trevor Bowman (Michael Welch) or his girlfriend Nina (Anna Lynne McCord), a character pairing that is itself lame as hell. I know that in the horror movie business the objective is to bring in the young audience, and the "best way" to do that is to include characters that audience can identify with. That's why Trevor and Nina figure so prominently in the story and engage in the kind of zombie killing violence usually reserved for, well, soldiers and cops and people like that. Of course, Mena Suvari's Sarah Bowman and Nick Cannon's Salazar are also young people, but they're also part of the National Guard unit sent to the town in the first place. I guess the thinking on that is young people in the audience not in uniform would have a tough time identifying with Sarah and Salazar, so while they may be the actual stars of the movie, they need help from the suburban kids who know alot of movies and are really resourceful when the chips are down because they've watched "MacGyver." Incredibly stupid.

Third, the total misuse of Ving Rhames. Rhames plays Captain Rhodes, the head of Sarah's National Guard unit. You may remember the Captain Rhodes character from the original (played by the immortal Joe Pilato) as the story's essential human villain (and, of course, we all remember how he gets done in). The Rhames version of Rhodes, however, is the equivalent of Pam Grier's character in "Ghosts of Mars." He's there at the beginning, owning every second he's on screen, only to be devoured by rampaging emergency room zombies after about a half hour. He barely plays into the plot, he goes out like a punk; his only real moment to shine is when he becomes a zombie (a legless zombie). Sadly, that bit ends way too quickly. So why exactly is Rhames in the movie? It just has to be money. That, and he was in the "Dawn of the Dead" remake, and the producers likely figured they could sort of piggy back off the success of that movie (hey, Rhames is in this, too? Is it a sequel?). Obviously no one thought that through. Ving Rhames should be around at the end (or at least the freaking middle of the movie), kicking zombie butt. Big casting mistake.

Fourth, and we've come full circle here, the zombies themselves, as zombies, make no sense. They run instead of walk slowly (that stuff has got to stop. Running zombies, as a whole, are lame, and are not as scary as the slow walkers), they can climb walls for some reason (like a licker from the "Resident Evil 2" Playstation game), and their level of "intelligence" and "memory" of the way they were before they became zombies is confusing as hell. I can't even explain why they have any of that. I'm at a loss for words about it. What the hell were Miner and Reddick thinking?

And finally, what the hell is the deal with "Bud," a character that is supposed to mirror the "Bub" zombie character, as played by the incredible Howard Sherman (although doesn't he call himself Sherman Howard sometimes now?) in the original? Bud, as a character, sucks. His whole transformation into a zombie, and his not wanting to eat his old human friends thing, it's just awful. Maybe if Bud was an entirely new character and not a riff on Bub it wouldn't come off as bad as it does. Maybe. And I'm not even going to discuss the Dr. Logan character. Suck fucking city.

There are a few good points to be had. Mena Suvari is great as Sarah. She has the right look for the role, she has the right attitude, and while she's beautiful and super hot and all of that, it never looks like she's pretending to be a National Guard soldier. I'd like to see more of her in these kinds of roles and these kinds of movies. Nick Cannon is good as Salazar. Salazar is kind of annoying at the start of the movie, but when the zombie plague hits and things get bad, he becomes less annoying. The man sure can swing a short sword (or a machete or whatever the heck that thing was). Ian McNeice is hilarious as the incredibly fat scumbag hippie DJ of the local rock radio station. He threatens a soldier with a Celine Dion song. Great stuff there. Rhames, as I said, despite the crap roll, makes the most of things. The zombie violence, if you ignore the running zombie bullstuff, is well staged, and the ultra mayhem moments are incredible in their level of gunplay and bloodshed. When those moments appear, it's like they're in a completely different movie. I just wish I knew why some zombies are able to walk on walls and on the ceiling.

And can someone please explain the ending? What happened? And I didn't listen to the commentary track on the DVD, so I have no idea why Miner didn't go with the "alternate" ending. The alternate ending has a nice little twist in it that isn't as cheap as it seems (watch how it plays out. It makes sense).

All in all, "Day of the Dead" the remake is just a bad time at the movies. An absolute disgrace. Steve Miner made a big mistake getting involved with it, as did Ving Rhames.

I'm sad for them. I really am.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous quick cutting crapola, "and Ving Rhames," trees blowing in the wind, gratuitous hip and edgy young people making out in a barn, ass grabbing, hocking a loogie, gratuitous "Marco Polo", a massive traffic jam, gratuitous Ving Rhames, gratuitous enraged parents of a sick child, gratuitous Mena Suvari, gratuitous nose bleeding, gratuitous fat guy radio DJ, gratuitous Celine Dion threat, a zombie in a white lab coat, a big patch of bloody skin, two bodies falling out of a closet, phone line blocking, gratuitous bustling hopsital full of sick people, gratuitous animated shots of "disease" infiltrating the brain and turning people into zombies, face chewing, flaming zombies on an electrified fence cooking a guy, gratuitous running zombies, dragging a zombie on the side of a car, arm eating, nurse chewing, gratuitous running zombies on the ceiling, gratuitous parking lot zombie massacre, running through the woods, body dragging, pouring bleach on a zombie wound, a rampaging legless zombie, gratuitous coughing fat guy, a hacksaw bayonet, gratuitous multiple headshots, head smashing, general head destruction, car door destruction, fire extinguisher attack, zombie through a windshield, gratuitous Molotav cocktails, more flaming zombies, exploding zombies, hacksaw bayonet to the head, a flaming car, garbage can to the head, gratuitous loading up at a gun shop, running over zombies, decomposing zombies, gun shooting zombies, gratuitous underground lab, a drop down zombie snatch, talk of a missle silo, gratuitous rigging up tanks of stuff so they can explode, chest devouring, zombie on zombie violence including a wicked decapitation, a giant flamethrower, and a big, fat screaming zombie.

Best lines: "Please don't tell me you're taking lessons from that Neanderthal," "We're going to Boulder," "Corporal, your orders are to keep this shithouse town, excuse me, your shithouse town, sealed off. Now do it," "I'm not really done here," "And now, some more inane bullstuff," "I'll give you money," "Fuck you. I'm walking home," "Hey, private, why don't you go be all you can be and grab them damn batteries," "Can you believe they're gonna give that bitch a gun?," "We'll bring you a bagel," "Well, it's kind of a charming shithole," "Your father still teaching Sunday school?," "Aye aye Admiral Bitch," "I'm a vegetarian, by the way," "Maybe it's the avian flu," "Now this is a little too much for this cowboy," "Are you sure this is a good idea?," "What the hell is happening to these people?," "We can make Molotav cocktails. Great, and I'll just build us a bus and get us out of here," "I don't know if you notice but there are people out there eating oneanother, so fuck your orders," "Shouldn't have done that kumquat diet," "Give me one of your guns," "This is unbearable," "Just answer the fucking question!," "By the power of gray skull!," "See if I save your ass again," "Now you driving!," "Yo, survivors!," "You think I was going to wait around while you got your shit together?," "Shit, he likes you. A little zombie crush," "I'm not going back into the air shaft," "Shut up, bitch," "I thought scientists were supposed to be smart." "Hey, what happened to fuck face?," "Why do white people always want to split up?," and "Sarah, don't get eaten."

Rating: 2.0/10

Hard as Nails



And then there's "Hard as Nails," an action movie that never once even tries to make any sense at all. Equal parts wicked low budget kung fu movie, low rent action movie, scumbum cop drama, and pseudo soft core porn movie, "Hard as Nails" tries to do too much with too little and ends up doing even less. The flick starts off with Takura (Matt Westmore) getting his butt kicked by a bunch of Japanese mobsters for "dishonoring" them. Before they can cut his pinky finger off, the leather clad wearing henchpersons Tic and Tac (as played by Jade and Mathew Pollino), who are standing in the background, explode on the ground and slice and dice dang near everyone in the room, saving Takura, who then orders Tic and Tac to kill the bosses off screen. Takura then gets to slice a hot chick's throat.

The scene then shifts to a strip club run by Russian mobsters, who use the club as a front to run guns into Los Angeles. The club is run by fat guy Mack Daddy Vlad (Andrew Craig), who has a way too hot even for a fat guy Russian mobster girlfriend named Kat (Kim Yates). Kat keeps the dancers in line, preventing them from making extra money banging the patrons. She's very worried about a hot little thing named Deb (Larissa McComas), who is banging young Russian hoodlum Mikhail (Shannon Reynolds). But, you see, Mikhail wants to marry Deb (he really does like her for her personality, not for her gigantic boobs and willingness to do damn near anything), which is bad for business or something. I don't know, I'm kind of shaky on that part.

And then there's Tony (John Timmons), an old scumbum cop who is brought back into the fold of hookers, Japanese gangsters, gun running, and whatever the heck else is going on, when he gets involved with the undercover investigation by the local cops, headed by Alexi (Allen Scotti), who is hanging out with the Russians.

Things turn bad when the gun running deal between Takura and Vlad hinges on Mikhail and something he apparently did to annoy Takura. Takura wants Mikhail dead, but Vlad likes Mikhail and doesn't want to see any real harm done to him (I guess he's not all that opposed to Takura beating the crap out of him, though). So there's a showdown in a dark alley between Takura and his goons and Mikhail, who is about to leave town with Deb to get married. Some stuff happens, both Mikhail and Deb get killed, and Kat, who ends up fighting Tic in a hot kung fu fight with lesbian overtones, goes to the police in a panic. While at the station, she sees Alexi talking with Tony, information she then takes back to Vlad, who then freaks out. What the hell did that bitch tell the cops?

Of course, all I want to know is what the hell is going on. There's just so much going on here I'm at a loss to explain what the heck any of it has to do with anything. The movie starts out with a bit of a bang, but it never explains what any of it means. I have no idea who or what exactly Takura is or why he has such pull in the local Japanese mafia, nor do I fully understand why there's so much animosity between the Russians and the Japanese (I mean, there's no real gun running rivalry here. It's not like one side is trying to move in on the other. So what the hell is all of the mistrust about?). And what exactly is the deal with Tic and Tac, beyond that they look kind of cool and can beat the crap out of anyone at the drop of a hat? Why are they in the movie? Aren't they a little too out there for mob killers? Or am I just missing something?

And, you know, I don't want to go ahead and complain about ample female nudity here, but why is there so much pole dancing at the beginning of this movie? It's not like it's just a bunch of mood stuff in the background, setting the stage for the story. The movie actually stops so we can watch it. Again, I don't want to complain about it, but, I don't get why there's so much of it. Is it just a Roger Corman "Three B's"/"Hills and Valleys" kind of thing?

Most of the cast is, at best, passable, at other times God awful. Allen Scotti is okay as the undercover cop Alexi. His fake Russian accent is actually decent enough. Kim Yates, while hotter than shit and a great dancer to boot, is just bad when she has to open her mouth and say something. If she didn't look so damn great in a short skirt you'd likely fall asleep when she's on screen. Matt Westmore plays a pretty decent douchebag as Takura. Larissa McComas, as beautiful as she is, is just like Yates, awful when she has to speak. Shannon Reynolds is lame as Mikhail (I can't really explain why he's so lame. He just is). Jade and Mathew Pollino are great movie martial artists, although the shoddy camera work is not friendly to either of them (it actually looks like they're jamming swords into the little gap between a person's arm and body, that little trick you used to do as a kid playing swords to make it look like you've been stabbed).

John Timmons, as the scumbum cop Tony, is the only one who, as a character, is interesting. He's got a hooker for a girlfriend (the incredibly trashy hot Stella Farentino as Margo), he's annoyed with the fact that he's back on the job doing whatever it is he's doing again, and he loves throwing his cell phone into the passenger seat of his car. Why the hell wasn't the movie about him? Roger Corman probably could have created a nifty little low budget scumbum detective movie series out of the Tony character. He's been around for years and years and years as a cop, he's got the experience, so why not give him other assignments when this movie is over? I actually want to see him have more arguments with Margo. I want to see Margo try to explain to him why she's out hooking again, even after she said she wouldn't. The possibilities are endlessly interesting. And Andrew Craig, as the fat Russian gangster Vlad, is just outstanding. He owns every second he's on screen (even when he's taking a bath). And watch this guy drive a car. Freaking hysterical.

And let's not forget the DJ during the opening, played by the immortal Johnny Cocktails (also known as Brad Grunberg. He's listed as "Harvey Keck" here, but we all know who he really is. Victor Thigpen of "Meatballs 4" fame hisself, Johnny Cocktails). Great stuff as always.

The flick has a pretty decent opening song (I can't tell you what it is, though. If you watch the DVD, though, you will hear every single time you change to a different menu page). And the music as a whole throughout is decent enough.

And is it me, or does this movie look like a porno movie, the kind that airs on Cinemax and Showtime every night at around 1am?

"Hard as Nails." Hard to understand, hard to sit through at times, and just not good enough to merit watching more than once. It should be way better than it is. There's all kinds of potential there.

Too bad.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Japanese mafia beatdown, gratuitous Japanese mafia thug who kind of looks like Albert Pyun, attempted pinky finger removal, gratuitous swordplay, kung fu fighting, sword through the chest, throat slitting, gratuitous killing people off screen, more throat slitting, gratuitous strip club with hot naked dancing, gratuitous Johnny Cocktails, desk sex, gratuitous fat guy Russian mob leader, gratuitous fat guy playing a Gameboy in a bathtub, tittie face rubbing, a cop knowing what a sword wound looks like, talk of hukman trafficking in Russia, gratuitous doing blow off the small of a hooker's back, rich man orgie make out session, arms dealing, vodka shots, pole dancing, two giant breasts, dick sucking, luggage checking, phone line cutting, a Mexican standoff, shoe to the face, gratuitous female kung fu fight with hot lesbian overtones, rug pulling, sword to the back, gratuitous car travelling fast down the road, booze drinking, kissing a fat guy, bitch slap across the face, gratuitous dizzying montage on the way to LAX, actual pinky cutting, a massive kung fu fight, neck breaking, driving through a red light, gratuitous police demo derby with wild flip, street bomb car explosion with wild flip, car crashing on top of two cars, jumping out of a moving car, a huge explosion, hand first aid, gratuitous bathtub sex by candle light, more kung fu fighting, gunplay, and swordplay, multiple guys falling off a roof, gratuitous jumping and spinning around for no reason, a bathtub electrocution with mouth foaming, and an ending that isn't as important or as heartfelt as the director seem to think.

Best lines: "You have brought us nothing but betrayal," "You lose face by dishonoring your family," "Yeah, baby, I got your songbook right over here," "Go shake your ass," "This better not be business," "No more apple juice this time, okay? It gives me the shits," "One bitch to another, we're both after the same thing," "Jesus, I thought you were going to assassinate me," "So how's my Debbie?," "Always good to see you, Tony," "It looks like a sword made those stab wounds," "That tattoo is Russian, isn't it?," "Hey, that was rude," "Russian. The best," "The elders are no longer in a position to object," "Since when do you care about my ass?," "God, Tony, you're so uptight," "Bastard!," "What's a honeymoon without sexy lingerie?," "I've got nothing to say to you, pervert," "What do these Russians do, brand the hookers they import?," "I'm staring at my own grave," "We've all got blood on our hands. Just do what I do. Wipe them off," "You need a drink and I need a drink," "You came like a volcano in your car last night," "That you're a big, fat fuck who hasn't got the brains or the balls to pull up his own socks," "Your mother's a whore," "Everybody screws everybody, don't they?," "Fucking cops! You fucking cops!," "Don't make me cuff you," "Careful, hon, I may start relying on you," "Not now Connie!," "You're the last man I ever expected to trust," and "It is over, kitten. It is over."

Rating: 5.0/10

***
Well, I think that'll be it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

"Day of the Dead" (2008)

Mena Suvari- Sarah Bowman
Michael Welch- Trevor Bowman
Nick Cannon- Salazar
Anna Lynne McCord- Nina
Ving Rhames- Captain Rhodes
Matt Rippy- Dr. Logan
Stark Sands- Bud Crain
Ian McNeice- D.J. Paul
Directed by Steve Miner
Screenplay by Jeffrey Reddick, based on the 1985 movie "Day of the Dead" by George A. Romero
Distributed by Millenium Films
Rated R for for strong pervasive horror violence and gore, and language
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here



"Hard as Nails"

Allen Scotti- Alexi
Kim Yates- Kat
Andrew Craig- Vlad
Matt Westmore- Takura
John Timmons- Tony
Larissa McComas- Deb
Shannon Reynolds- Mikhail
Jade- Tic
Mathew Pollino- Tac
Stella Farentino- Margo
Johnny Cocktails- DJ
Directed by Brian Katkin
Screenplay by Brian Katkin
Distributed by New Concorde Home Entertainment
Rated R for strong violence, sexuality, language and some drug use
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here