What?!! This Column!?? 04.28.08: Issue #106
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 04.28.2008
"Back to You" is in trouble
"Back to You," the much ballyhooed sitcom teaming of modern sitcom legends Kelsey Grammer (for "Cheers" and "Frasier") and Patricia Heaton (for "Everybody Loves Raymond") as rival anchors at a local Pittsburgh TV station, has finally returned from the writers' strike hiatus with newly produced episodes, and things are not good. I'm not talking about ratings wise. I have no idea what the ratings for the show are right now (yeah, I could go ahead and look them up, but that would require me to, you know, actually go and look them up). I'm going to assume that they're relatively okay since the Fox network is still advertising it plans on airing the show for the foreseeable future. No, what I'm refering to is the cast changes. There were apparently two cast changes over the writers strike hiatus, and, after only two new newly produced episodes, the show has gone from pretty dang decent to something between pretty decent (notice the missing "dang") to just okay.
The first cast change is the elimination of the station's meteorologist Montana Diaz Herrera, as played by the super hot Ayda Field. Montana was the station's female eye candy, the hot young chick in the sexy clothes that the news director Ryan Church (Josh Gad) has a crush on. She was also the show's only other major female character behind Heaton's Kelly Carr. Field was funny in the role. She could move between sort of being a dense airhead to a woman with surprising depth and experience when it comes to relationships and sex, the exact opposite of Kelly Carr, who is a bit of an uptight prude (well, not really a prude. Maybe it's best to call her "less enthusiastic" than Montana when it comes to sex and relationships. Yeah, that sounds a tad better). Now she's gone. I remember reading something somewhere (danged if I can remember where) that said she had joined either a new TV show for next season or a movie or something. The show's producer's have apparently decided, for whatever reason, not to recast the role or bring in a new person to fill in the weather girl position at the station.
Not bringing in someone else has been a huge disaster. The show has lost an important component to the show's second tier stories. There was always something going on between Fred Willard's sports reporter Marsh McGinley, Ty Burrell's Gary Crezyzewski (the roving reporter/on site reporter), Gad's Ryan Church, and Montana. Their stories also bled into the ongoing main story between Grammer's Chuck Darling and Heaton's Kelly. It was a great dynamic. There was always something interesting going on in each episode. Now, the show just isn't as funny.
In the first newly produced episode back, the one where Marsh held a birthday party for Chuck (despite the fact that it was not Chuck's birthday), Gary and Ryan went upstairs into Marsh's bedroom and apparently found a series of disturbing murals on the wall. Their expressions of disgust and exasperation were priceless, sure, but without the ability to bring Montana upstairs to see the murals, the joke didn't work as well. It would have been hilarious to see Montana either be as disturbed as Gary and Ryan or suddenly impressed with Marsh and his sexual aptitudes (watch the episode). Definitely a missed opportunity.
The second cast change is the removal of Laura Morano as Chuck and Kelly's daughter Gracie (Chuck and Kelly hooked up ten years ago, before Chuck left for a different market, Kelly got pregnant, had Gracie, didn't tell Chuck, so when he came back to Pittsburgh and found out that Gracie was his, Chuck got upset. It was a running storyline throughout the show). I have no idea who the new girl is (I can't find her name on imdb.com), but she's awful. Morano, who many of you may remember from her stint on the first seaosn of Fox's "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?," was excellent as the smart kid Gracie. She had a great mother-daughter chemistry with Heaton, and when she was around Grammer, not knowing why he was hanging around so much, it was great stuff. There was a funny tension between them. The new girl doesn't have any real chemistry with either Heaton or Grammer. That bit where Heaton dropped her off at school and asked her if she had her lunch, the whole thing was off kilter and wasn't funny. Why the heck was Moran removed from the show? Did her parents decide to take her off the show because they didn't think Fox was going to bring the show back after the strike? A dispute with the producers? Did the new girl come with a slightly lower price tag?
I believe that Fox has ordered 24 episodes of the show, and I'd imagine that since this season's episode number isn't going to reach 24, the show will come back for a second season. Despite the cast changes and the grand badness it has brought on to the show, I still kind of like it. I want to see it succeed. I want it to succeed so the networks will get back into the sitcom business (I'd rather watch a bad sitcom than a bad reality show). But the producers have to get "Back to You" back to the way it was before the strike. Bring back Montana or a decent equivalent (why not bring Tia Carrere back as a regular? She was great in her guest starring bit a few episodes ago. She can work a sitcom). Bring back the first Gracie. Bring the original wackiness back.
And for the love of God, keep Fred Willard employed. It's either this or he's going to do another one of those "Epic Movie" things. Do we really want to see another one of those?
So come on, Fox. Bring back "Back to You" the proper way.
***
So, the feds have decided to throw Wesley Snipes into jail for three years for failing to pay his taxes? I'm not going to say that sounds excessive, eventhough rich people who fail to pay their taxes or engage in some kind of tax chicanery (like failing to report foreign assets and whatnot) very rarely ever get the book thrown at them. But I'm not going to say that Snipes got what's coming to him, either. According to a book I just read, The Great American Tax Dodge: How Spiraling Fraud and Avoidance Are Killing Fairness, Destroying the Income Tax, and Costing You by Donald L. Barlett and James B. Steele, the IRS only goes after rich people or, really, anyone else, when it feels as though it has to make an example to the public that the government means business when it comes to collecting taxes and stopping tax fraud, regardless of the fact that the government, through Congress and its corporate enablers, continues to undermine the ability of the IRS to audit and investigate violaters.
I know now that the Snipes prosecution and investigation isn't going to lead to a nationwide crackdown on rich tax evaders, it isn't going to lead to federal prosecutors hauling corporate CEO's and other rich jagoffs before courts and throwing them under the tax bus. And I also know that the Snipes prosecution isn't going to lead to rich people suddenly growing a social conscience and paying their fair share of taxes.
So, basically, Snipes was just the rich guy that had to go down this time. He really was proseucted because he's Wesley Snipes, famour actor and personality. Wesley Snipes got screwed.
So what happens to "Gallowwalker" now? Will the flick's producers wait for Snipes to get out of prison before releasing it, or will they get it out as soon as possible to take advantage of the negative (but still good) publivity regarding Snipes going to prison? And who now is going to take his spot in the direct-to-DVD action movie world? Are Seagal, Van Damme, and Lundgren going to have to do one more movie a year to make up for Wesley's absence?
There could be a little silver lining to this for Snipes. Maybe when he gets out of prison, a well known producer or a well known director (Spike Lee I'm looking at you) will give him a starring role in a big movie, either a drama or a big action movie. I'm sure Snipes will still be able to "go" in three years. So maybe he'll pull a Martha Stewart and come out of jail better than when he went in.
I just hope people don't forget about him.
We'll see you in three years, Wesley. Take care of yourself. We want you back on the big screen where you belong, kicking butt and taking names.
I want another line like "Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill."
Damn skippy.
***
Am I the only one sick to death of these freaking Vault soda/energy drink/whatever the heck it is commercials? They're on television, they're at the movies. They're not funny. The announcer, who kind of sounds like a cross between John Lovitz and Andy Dick, is annoying, especially when he starts talking loudly. And does the world really need another high caffeine drink? Isn't Vault just a poor imitation of Mountain Dew, which is awful anyway?
Maybe they'd be less annoying if the commercials didn't appear before movies.
That and those car commercials. I can't remember which car manufacturer it is, but if you've been to the movies in the last month or so you've probably seen the five different commercials for the same car before the movie. Are you annoyed by those, too? Because I know I am.
Why haven't we seen the Geico commercials at the movies?
***
On May 15th, 2008, select Regal Entertainment theatres around the country are going to screen, for one night only, "First Blood," along with an "exclusive" interview (I have no idea what that really means, because the recent "Halloween 4 & 5" Fathom Events thing I went to featured "exclusive" interviews with the cast and crew of the "Halloween" franchise that looked like the same interviews on the various DVD's of the movies) with John J. Rambo hisself, Sylvester Stallone, along with the alternate ending to "First Blood," which is the ending where Rambo dies. It's some kind of promotional campaign thing for the "Rambo" box set that's coming out (I think it's coming out this summer). I'm thinking of going to this, mostly because I enjoy these special screenings of older movies on the big screen (yeah, I know they're not screening actual prints of the movies, they're actually digital whatevers from a satellite or something beamed down to each participating theatre). They're usually not that expensive, and sometimes the "extras" are worth checking out. I'm also curious to see what "First Blood" looks like projected on a large screen. "Halloween 5" looked different on a bigger screen. And, hey, if "First Blood" is a success, maybe Regal will decide to screen "Rambo: First Blood part II" in the future. Now that would kick some major butt, wouldn't it?
Go here for details and a complete theatre listing for where "First Blood" is playing.
On May 21st and 22nd, Regal Entertainment and Fathom Events are showing something called "Death Note." It's an action movie based on a famous manga or something. Is this something worth checking out, too? The preview I saw for it was kind of vague, and I'm not all that familiar with manga in general, so I have no idea if this is something I should check out.
It was recently revealed by Guillermo del Toro (I saw this on, I believe it was CHUD.com) has hired "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane to voice the character Johann Kraus in his upcoming "Hellboy II: The Golden Army." So now I'm wondering how long it's going to take for the large segment of the internets movie nerd world that loves del Toro and absolutely hates "Family Guy" to disavow their love for del Toro and start criticising him. I haven't seen anything yet. I'd imagine that if "Hellboy II" tanks, MacFarlane will be blamed for it. And then del Toro's stock will go down, and then suddenly the "Hobbit" movies start looking shaky and the movie nerd world will come crumbling down.
Nah, that last part probably won't happen, but I'm surprised that the MacFarlane announcement hasn't created a bigger stir. Maybe it will in a couple of weeks, when the "Hellboy II" screenings start happening and advanced reviews put out good spin or bad spin. It'll be interesting.
***
The "What?!! This Column!?? Douchebag of the Week" goes once again to right wing opinion columnist and racist scumbag Cal Thomas, for foaming his pants this past week over the Supreme Court's decision to allow lethal injection as a viable, constitutional method of execution. While reading the column, you can almost see Cal typing the column with one hand (you know where his other hand is) because he just can't wait for the state to start killing people again. He, of course, makes the lame argument "it makes no sense to be for abortion but against the death penalty," an argument that makes about the same kind of sense as teaching creationism in science class because it's "just a theory, like evolution."
Remember that George Carlin routine, where he said that people against abortion believe in the following: "If you're preborn, you're fine, if you're preschoo, you're fucked"? I think that sums up Cal pretty well.
And Cal should grow back the stache. If he wants to argue the Hitler position, he should at least have the common decency to look the part.
***
Congratulations are in order for Juan Pablo Montoya, for finishing second in the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Talladega. He probably would have won if that caution didn't come out on the last lap. He'll get that first oval win soon enough. David Stremme also did a bang up job, subbing for the injured Dario Franchitti (get well soon, Dario). I just hope that these runs convince car owner Chip Ganasi to spend a little more time on his NASCAR teams. Montoya is going to be the champion one day, as long as the 42 team gets better, but that can't happen unless Ganasi and Felix Sabates start doing more.
And Tony Stewart isn't going anywhere. Unless Hendrick decides to get rid of Casey Mears and put Stewart in that car, there's nowhere else for Stewart to go. He's not going to go to the Haas team, and he's not going to start his own team. He'll be with Gibbs until he retires from NASCAR and goes back to Indycars and midgets.
And congratulations to Dan Wheldon for winning the Indycar race at Kansas. Why was his teammate Scott Dixon so annoyed at the end of the race?
Indy is up next. I can't wait for pole day. And I can't wait to see Davy Hamilton back in an Indycar at the Speedway. I'd love to see him get in the 500 again and have a good finish. I'd love to see him back running an Indycar full time. Maybe if he wins the 500 that'll happen. That probably won't happen, but, hey, maybe it'll rain again and he'll be there up front, like Dario was last year.
Indy Pole day! Indy Pole day! Indy Pole day!
***
Still not much going on the "Jericho" coming back again front, but that's no reason not to check out the following sites to find up-to-date information and whatnot:
If you haven't done so already, you can go here to buy the first season DVD set, and you can go here to pre-order the second season DVD set, which will come out June 17th.
Long live "Jericho"!
***
Well, I think that'll be it for this issue. Don't forget to check out the 411mania.com movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen. And please give my other column here at the movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column a looksee. It's about B-movies.
"Peter: Whoa whoa whoa, what's this, my bill or my phone number?
Secretary: Ummm, that's your phone number, sir.
Peter: Oh, hehehe. Well it's still pretty pricy!"
That's from "Family Guy," but I'm sure you already knew that.
Some liberals just love throwing that name around in relation to people with whom they disagree. It gets funnier and more pathetic everytime I see it. Learn to formulate real arguments in place of name calling and maybe you'll get somewhere. I doubt it though.
Posted By: Guest#1710 (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 01:56 AM
Yes, that was a weird tangent to go on. It probably belonged in the Politics zone, where an actual argument should have been made as opposed to some overgeneralization and name calling.
Posted By: JT (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 07:35 AM
Look out Bryan! The Thomasites are out in full force. Your right. He does need to grow the stache back. That way he at least looks funny.
Posted By: Capt. Smooth (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 06:00 PM
Cal Thomas just looks odd without the stache. He's actually creepier than usual without it. As for my "name calling," please, I'd like to know how many times "fair minded" right wing conservatives have "taken their own to task" for comparing liberals to Stalin or Lenin or Castro or Hugo Chavez or, yeah, Hitler. Probably as many times as Rush Limbaugh has turned down Oxycontin. That's never.
Posted By: Bryan Kristopowitz (Registered) on April 28, 2008 at 07:46 PM
Oh ok. So you want to be the moral equivelant of those damned right wingers you hate so much. Be my guest. Have fun with that.
Posted By: Guest#1710 (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 08:18 PM
So tell me how many times you've told a "right winger" to stop "attacking" liberals. I'm looking for a little fairness here, a little balance.
Posted By: Bryan Kristopowitz (Registered) on April 28, 2008 at 11:16 PM
I'm sorry. Can you point me to where I told you to stop "attacking" anybody? If you want to attack Cal Thomas or anyone else you disagree with on their views or ideas or their behavior, I could really care less. But calling someone "Hitler" or "like Hitler" or whatever says more about the person doing it than the person or groups they're attacking. I don't know, maybe you consider it the height of wit and satire. I don't. That's where we differ.
Posted By: Guest#1710 (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 11:27 PM
I'm not "throwing that name" around. Thomas is a fascist, like AH, he loves it when the state kills people, he doesn't like women, he's religiously insane, and he doesn't care all that much for Jews (the only time he's ever pro-Israel is when Israel's neighbors start killing Israelis). So, again, I'm not whipping that name out because I disagree with him.
And again, you've said that you don't thing using Hitler's name in an argument is fair. So, again, how many times have you told right wingers to stop calling people Hitler, Stalin, etc? Probably never. Which is where hooha is.
Now, is using Hitler's name a tad cheap? Yeah, maybe. It makes me wish I had put that picture of Thomas in the column, just to drive the point home. The dude looks like AH.
Posted By: Bryan Kristopowitz (Registered) on April 29, 2008 at 03:44 PM
Well, I'll concede that I'm not an expert on Cal Thomas like you seem to be. You seem a little preoccupied with him to be honest. But that's beside the point.
Personally, I'm against the death penalty. I don't think the state should be in the business of executing people. That said, I'm mature enough to recognize that there are legitimate reasons to be in favor of it and people that are in favor of it are not "fascists."
But as long as we're comparing people to AH, how's this: Jimmy Carter doesn't seem all that fond of Israel. Oooh, does that mean he's a fascist too? Hitler was heavy into gun control. Wait, wait - don't tell me! Gun control advocates are just like Hitler too! Because if all these people are indeed fascists, I should really get a pad of paper and take some notes.
Finally, typically I do not in fact waste my time posting comments scolding people on the left or the right for cheapening the Holocaust by using AH's name cavalierly. I guess I was just feeling especially cantankerous when I read this article. But my alleged hypocrisy has no bearing at all on the validity of my point. Nice try attempting to change the subject though.
Posted By: Guest#1710 (Guest) on April 29, 2008 at 11:03 PM
I love the way you use "preoccupied,"
"mature," "Jimmy Carter," and "wasting my time" to really turn the screws and show me just how big a non-thinking loser I really am. Thanks.
Why do you even read anything on the internets?
And "cheapening the Holocaust"? Please. The only people who cheapen the Holocaust, besides the people who deny it ever happened, are those who refuse to learn anything from it. Like Cal Thomas. Mechanized killing is just never a good idea.
Again, thanks for setting me straight.
Posted By: Bryan Kristopowitz (Registered) on April 30, 2008 at 07:48 PM
