Misunderstood Masterpieces 5.06.08: Wag the Dog

Posted by Will Helm on 05.06.2008

…or, Make Movies, Not War

Though politics has always had elements of theater, the rise of mass media and the competition for "breaking news" therein elevated the importance of that side of politics. Gone are the days of three-hour-long debates and campaigns built on credibility and platforms. Now, elections are won and lost on the backs of sound bites, scandals, and bloggers, all thanks to the preponderance of 24-hour news, radio talking heads, and the Internet. The talent to manipulate these factions for the benefit of a candidate or serving politician is one of the most important art forms in modern politics; distracting the masses has become the most crucial facet of any political staff, as it can save a politician from losing an election, censure, impeachment, or even prison.

The rise of this element of politics – as well as the 1993 novel American Hero – spawned the 1997 film Wag the Dog, a star-studded treatise on just how gullible the media can be. Co-written by Hilary Henkin and Pulitzer-prize winning playwright David Mamet and directed by Oscar-winner Barry Levinson, Wag the Dog brought together legendary actors Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman, among many, many others for what was to be a politically themed romp through the art and science of spin control, with a Hollywood twist. Because if there's something that the audience was clamoring for in the late ‘90s, it's a romp through the art and science of spin control with a Hollywood twist. Remarkably, Wag the Dog was largely hailed by critics and even moderately successful at the box office – perhaps due to the fact that the budget was only $15,000,000 . . . but, even though it may be more pertinent than ever, Wag the Dog seems to be forgotten despite its one-time success. Is this fade into obscurity warranted, or is Wag the Dog actually a Misunderstood Masterpiece just waiting to be rediscovered? Let's find out!

Perhaps in honor of the past weekend's Kentucky Derby, two jockeys take time out of their busy schedules of being short and starving themselves to tell me not to switch horses in midstream. Even though I understand the "horse" part of the symbolism, I can't think of any modern races where the jockeys have to deal with streams. Now, if they have to switch horses mid-race, that I'd love to see. Network TV could package it as Horse Racing Xtreme; I'm sure Fox would pick it up. Anyway, the jockeys want me to vote for a vacuum, as that seems to be the only thing at the White House at this time. Well, there was a president named "Hoover." Luckily for the lonely vacuum, it gets some company in the form of grizzled Robert DeNiro! Robert DeNiro meets with everyone's favorite crazy erstwhile lesbian, Anne Heche, who guides him into the bowels . . . of the building. Perverts.

Once there, Robert DeNiro and Anne Heche meet with a bunch of important people because, it seems, Robert DeNiro has to solve the problem of an impending scandal involving the president and a 15-year-old girl. I guess they had to get Robert DeNiro because Chris Hansen wasn't available. Robert DeNiro brainstorms for a bit, inventing excuses for the president in conjunction with the important people, who happen to be the president's press staff. Unfortunately for them, the president's opposition already knows the situation, so Robert DeNiro, cynically, plans a distraction campaign. Dum-dum-DUM!

To that end, Robert DeNiro flies to Los Angeles with Anne Heche in tow. Careful, Bob; once there she may try to converse with extraterrestrials. Anyway, along the way, Robert DeNiro and Anne Heche chat about fake war and dumb Americans because Robert DeNiro decides the best course of action is to declare war on Albania. And if Robert DeNiro says it's so, that's what should be done. As well, perhaps Robert DeNiro and Anne Heche should make haste, as the news of the president's underaged dalliance hits the press and opposition candidate Craig T. Nelson doesn't like it one bit. Hmm . . . I wonder if his running mate is Luther or Dauber? Or maybe even "Action" Jackson!

Once in Los Angeles, Robert DeNiro and Anne Heche meet with Dustin Hoffman's tanning bed and they all chat about the president's chances in the election, which is less than a fortnight away. While the trio commiserates, one of the president's press secretaries (John Michael Higgins) gives a speech wherein he mentions Albania and a secret bomber project, both at the behest of Robert DeNiro, distracting the press from the president's sex life. Robert DeNiro is just that powerful, folks. Trust me. Dustin Hoffman, meanwhile, doesn't trust me, so he has Robert DeNiro put words in the press secretary's mouth, just for fun. After the press conference, Robert DeNiro and his associates chat about the prospects of a fake war against Albania. I guess a fake war against Iraq would've taken a little more set-up time.

Anyway, Robert DeNiro, with Anne Heche's supports, proposes that Dustin Hoffman, famed Hollywood mogul, produce a "war" to insure the president's success in the upcoming election. Rather than agree straightaway, Dustin Hoffman instead has a pointless argument with Robert DeNiro about the movie business, which really has little to nothing to do with the project at hand. Something tells me they're shooting, in wrestling parlance. Somehow, Dustin Hoffman, using his awesome Hollywood powers, segues the conversation to wondering if perhaps the Albanians should have nuclear weapons . . . in suitcases . . . in Canada. Hmm . . . where have I heard that before? Albania . . . Al Qaeda? They do sound similar. I guess it's time to blow up Tirana, just because we can.

Dustin Hoffman, hot to get the project rolling, makes a few phone calls and, moments later, a bunch of random Hollywood stereotypes show up, as well as Willie Nelson. While Willie sits around in what is probably a marijuana-fueled haze, Denis Leary wanders around the room rambling as per his particular idiom. Willie, bored by the proceedings, croons for a bit, but Dustin Hoffman doesn't approve of his musical stylings; he's more jazz than country, I reckon. Later that evening, while Jay Leno jokes about the president's love for young poontang – and Robert DeNiro probably responds by putting a bomb in one of Jay Leno's classic cars, Dustin Hoffman makes more plans, which involve young girls and kittens. Hey . . . wait a second. Isn't a young girl's kitten what got the president in trouble in the first place? I sense ironic symbolism.

The planning session, as most do before a fake war, goes deep into the night until the next morning, when a rammy Dustin Hoffman randomly criticizes campaign ads because they're not Hollywood enough for his tastes. Robert DeNiro, meanwhile, naps, because no one wants to deal with a tired and cranky Robert DeNiro; the last time that happened, a whole town died. Elsewhere in the finely appointed mansion, Denis Leary confesses that he doesn't vote because he's a Boog Powell fan. Hey . . . I never knew Boog Powell played for the Red Sox. After this shocking revelation, the whole gang leaves the mansion while the president, in China for no particular reason, declares war on Albania and those damned Albanians. He's probably ticked off because they're so innocuous.

In Hollywood, the gang goes to a studio and, once there, they meet with the star of their war, Kirsten Dunst. Apparently, she's playing the part of an uppity actress who's playing the part of an Albanian refugee. Ah . . . how meta. After Kirsten Dunst signs a few waivers and runs around with a bag of tortilla chips – no, really, Dustin Hoffman helps direct the "Albanian" footage – a.k.a. Kirsten Dunst in front of a blue screen; it's guaranteed to turn out great, though, because Champ Kind (David Koechner) is there to lend a hand! Whammy!

That evening, much to the delight of the Spin Gang, the press breaks the shocking "Albanian" footage . . . shocking pretty much because the press can't discern bad special effects. Though the clip is decidedly B-movie level acting and directing, Dustin Hoffman beams with pride anyway. Meanwhile, Robert DeNiro and Anne Heche hop a limo to Nashville; along the way, Robert DeNiro brainstorms a bit more about exploiting totally made up Albanian traditions, because no one knows anything about Albania. And I have a feeling they like it that way, those damned mysterious, innocuous Albanians. Unfortunately for Robert DeNiro, someone in another car eavesdrops on his brainstorming session and, moments later, the CIA pulls over the limousine, probably for unlicensed brainstorming. It's a little known federal law to keep free thought to a minimum.

The CIA, perhaps aware that they're dealing with a legend like Robert DeNiro, brings in their own heavy hitter to take on the Raging Bull of Spin Doctoring: William H. Macy! Dum-dum-DUM! Perhaps to make the meeting a little more comfortable, the CIA sets it up in an inexplicable Mexican restaurant; unfortunately, it doesn't seem to pacify Anne Heche, who goes crazy as per her particular idiom. While Robert DeNiro sits by powerless, William H. Macy reveals that he knows all because he rules; he also states that Albania and Canada aren't happy, even though that really doesn't matter because, on any map, Albania and Canada are always marked off as the least threatening places on Earth. I think Mercator had a lot to do with that, so blame him, not me. I'm just an innocent messenger. William H. Macy, after his revelations, finally deigns Robert DeNiro to speak and they match wits and argue over the defense of the United States, with Robert DeNiro espousing the tradition that a weapon unused is a useless weapon. Because they're nothing better than an inference to Spies Like Us. Then, strangely presciently, Robert DeNiro even states that the future of war lies in terrorism; William H. Macy, sadly, since he isn't a prognosticator, admits defeat . . . for now.

After a few bumps along the road, Robert DeNiro and slightly crazy Anne Heche finally get to Nashville and they watch as the president meets with a young Albanian girl on a tarmac in Boca Raton. Honestly . . . here I would've thought it'd be wise to avoid having the president with any young girls when there's a sex scandal looming in the background; I guess that's why I'm not the one planning fake wars. Meanwhile, in a studio in Nashville, Willie Nelson conducts a choir of country singers crooning for the pride of America; Dustin Hoffman, in the wings, looks on approvingly, even though I'm sure he wished Toby Keith were available.

Unfortunately for the Spin Gang, Craig T. Nelson then takes to the airwaves to tell a worried nation that all non-existent hostilities toward Albania have been resolved. Now everyone can go back to living their lives in peace . . . but not Robert DeNiro, because William H. Macy and the CIA had the last laugh after all. While Robert DeNiro sulks at his defeat, Dustin Hoffman, not content to have his vanity project ended so prematurely, plans a renewal of hostilities. I guess he's really got a problem with Albanians or something. Or not, as he just wants to put a fake P.O.W. in Albania for the American sheep to rally around. Of course, the first step, since they have Willie Nelson on retainer, is to have him write a song about it.

While Willie Nelson crafts a tune, Robert DeNiro and Anne Heche head back to the White House with a touching speech and an LP of Willie Nelson's tune in hand. Once everything's settled, Robert DeNiro makes a few phone calls before learning, much to his horror, that the president doesn't want to read Robert DeNiro's "sappy" speech. Sadly, that was the last time anyone saw the president alive, as Dustin Hoffman takes the president's place in the Oval Office. Oh . . . he's just directing the president on how to properly give the speech. Whew. Apparently, sappy is the way to go, as the speech makes all of the middle-aged women in the crowd start bawling . . . or the president just let loose one nasty beer fart.

Perhaps the latter is true, as, after the speech, Robert DeNiro, Anne Heche, and Dustin Hoffman go for a walk, probably to get some fresh air in their lungs. While Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman bond, the president addresses the nation about the horror that is Woody Harrelson trapped behind enemy lines. Dum-dum-DUM! While the nation rallies behind Wood Harrelson, Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman take their mutual admiration society to the back of a limo; if they start making out, I'm shutting the movie off. Thankfully, they don't, as, instead, Dustin Hoffman proposes that the president should win a Nobel Prize for ending a nonexistent war before he and Robert DeNiro get out to throw some shoes in a tree. Trust me; it all makes sense in terms of the movie . . . for the most part.

Back at home base, which is either Los Angeles or the White House – I really stopped keeping track at this point, Dustin Hoffman and Denis Leary design a monument to the "Albanian" war while Robert DeNiro wonders about Woody Harrelson. Evidently he didn't take the time to check IMDB.com beforehand. Some time later, Dustin Hoffman mopes for a bit because he wants credit for producing the president's campaign-saving war; Robert DeNiro dissuades him from that line of thought, before going back to pondering the case of Woody Harrelson's triumphant return from "Albania." Dustin Hoffman, master of drama, states that the return should be after the election, but Robert DeNiro doesn't want to wait that long to work with Woody Harrelson. Dustin Hoffman, meanwhile, stresses his point by comparing Woody Harrelson to Jaws. Go get 'em, Woody Harrelson!

At an undisclosed airbase somewhere in America, Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, and Anne Heche pick up Woody Harrelson, who turns out to be not a prisoner-of-war, but merely just a prisoner and psychopath. Ah . . . that'll be great for ratings. Though Anne Heche doth protest – probably because she's jealous of anyone more crazy than her, Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman elect to bring Woody Harrelson back to Washington anyway, with Dustin Hoffman looking at the bright sides of the situation the whole way. Unfortunately, while Robert DeNiro makes a few phone calls – which seems to be all his character is capable of at this point, Woody Harrelson freaks out and, somehow, this causes the plane to crash. Dum-dum-DUM!

In the middle of nowhere, crash survivors Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, and Anne Heche argue over how the story is to end while Woody Harrelson mumbles to himself. Sadly, the nameless pilots are probably bleeding to death all the while. Damned Hollywood types and their lack of concern for anyone but themselves. While Dustin Hoffman tries to formulate angles to make the best of a bad situation, Craig T. Nelson makes another speech, wondering aloud if Woody Harrelson really does exist. I guess Cheers was all a dream then, huh? Still jealous of their ratings, Coach?

Back in the middle of nowhere, Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, somewhat crazy Anne Heche, and even more crazy Woody Harrelson ride in a tractor with an illegal immigrant. Ooh . . . don't tell Tom Tancredo! While Anne Heche freaks out and Robert DeNiro threatens Dustin Hoffman, probably just because he's cranky, Craig T. Nelson gives another speech and Robert DeNiro responds by doing what he does best in this situation: making a few phone calls. Elsewhere, Luther Van Damme is found dead in a seedy hotel room, just to let Craig T. Nelson know that you don't mess with Robert DeNiro.

At some small town in the middle of nowhere, Anne Heche has the illegal immigrant made a citizen, just for public-relations purposes, while Dustin Hoffman watches television with fake Jonathan Winters. Elsewhere, crazy Woody Harrelson chases some farm girl into a shack, causing fake Jonathan Winters to spring into action and shoot Woody Harrelson to death. Oops. Dustin Hoffman, ever the optimist, still sees the bright side of this situation and keeps Woody Harrelson in the picture . . . and then he complains, for no particular reason, that producers don't get Oscars. Wait . . . then who gets Best Picture anyway?

At Woody Harrelson's funeral, Dustin Hoffman and Robert DeNiro bond over their success in getting the president re-elected or, at least, close to re-elected. While talking heads on the television chat about the recent events of the past week or so, Dustin Hoffman has a totally unexplainable freak out because he wants to tell the world that he's behind everything because he wants credit for it. Well, that's random . . . even though it's been set up throughout the whole movie and, honestly, totally expected. Evidently, Dustin Hoffman didn't learn anything through the entire movie, as, after Robert DeNiro tells him not to go through with his little rebellion, Robert DeNiro has Dustin Hoffman killed. At least, after the president gets re-elected for real, Robert DeNiro has the decency to pay his respects at Dustin Hoffman's funeral . . . and live happily ever after. Until the next presidential scandal. But that's for Wag the Dog 2: Even Doggier!

Despite the unbelievable credentials and disturbingly timely plotline, Wag the Dog is nothing but "meh." Like Bulworth, Wag the Dog could be largely considered a dark comedy, but it's neither dark enough nor comedic enough to really fulfill the necessities of that genre. The performances waver between uninspired and over-the-top, sapping any gravitas or pertinence from the film, instead giving it a veneer of Hollywood nonchalance. Even though the argument could be made that the plotline is "ripped from the headlines" – even though principal shooting predated the Clinton sex scandals, the goings-on of the film are largely unbelievable because any and all gritty reality is traded for wackiness – Dustin Hoffman and Woody Harrelson, I'm looking in your direction – undermining the impact of the film. Wag the Dog could have been something special and pertinent, but, instead, it's nothing but a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I have to sit through 2+ hours of John Travolta impersonating a recent commander-in-chief. See you then!